This is Part II following Catherine Zhao’s Part I – “ABOUT FRIENDSHIP” posted Jan. 2021

There are people you meet that change your life. There are people you meet that change your perspective. There are people that do both.

Catherine Xiaolin Zhao is one of those people.

I met Catherine in the late summer of 2016. I was fresh out of college and living in NYC. I was full of excitement and fear. I grew up in the Midwest in the United States and hadn’t traveled very much. I felt so overwhelmed by NYC, but I was in awe of it as well. As a kid who once lived in a house that was surrounded by cornfields, I was amazed at the amount of people, places, and cultures in the “concrete jungle.” I was eating alone on the back patio area of Webster Apartment, a wonderful place in midtown Manhattan that provides safe and affordable housing for female professionals, when we met. As an introvert, I remember wanting to quietly eat when along came a chatty and friendly person who ended up becoming one of my best friends. She asked me questions about Oklahoma, and I asked her questions about China.

When I was in elementary school and living in the above mentioned farming community, my family briefly thought we might be relocating to China for my father’s job. I was beyond thrilled. This was right before the Internet started slowly becoming a part of our daily life, so I had to grab the “C” labeled encyclopedia to read up on China. Sadly, we didn’t end up moving there, but my passive yet strong curiosity about China remained. I ended up growing up mostly in Oklahoma.

Catherine knew about the famous musical Oklahoma. Meanwhile, I didn’t understand what Chinese New Year’s really was, and wrongly thought sushi was a popular dish there. Afterwards, I remember calling my mom to tell her that I had made a new friend from China. Over the next few months, Catherine and I, along with some other women, played the role of “tourist” in the Big Apple. Those few months are filled with some of my favorite life experiences. I grew a lot as a person. Being around so many women from so many different countries gave me a different perspective on how America is perceived, in both positive and negative ways, abroad. It made me think more critically about America’s healthcare and college education system. It was such an eye-opening experience in so many ways.

One of the darkest and most surprising moments for me happened on a city bus. Catherine, our mutual friend from Germany, and I were on our way back to our apartment after a fun and adventurous day. Mere seconds after finding our seats, an older woman grew visibly upset that she was having to sit near Catherine. She angrily muttered something as she moved to a different seat on the bus. I was shocked. I couldn’t tell if Catherine had noticed or not. I wanted to say something, but I didn’t know what to say. Was this gross and uncalled for interaction a common experience for my friend? Then I got mad at myself for my own naivety towards the situation. One of my greatest hopes for our present day and future world is that the hearts and minds of hateful individuals begin to soften and open. That they begin to embrace,respect, and love other people and cultures.

Tragic and horrible events continue to teach me the injustices and hate that the Asian community continues to face on a daily basis in the United States and abroad. My sweet, hilarious, and brilliant friend is so much more than a statistic, but every time I hear of violence or racism towards Asians, I think of her. I think of her family. I think of her heart that is so full of love and joy.

May all hearts be more like hers.

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Shaynee Sherwood lives in Kansas City, Kansas where she teaches at a private school that specializes in helping students with learning differences. As someone who is dyslexic herself, Shaynee is a strong advocate for the neurodivergent community. In her free time, Shaynee enjoys writing, yoga, and learning more about herself and the world.

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My dearest older cousin, Millie Yung, and Sister Linda were friends at St. Johns University, Shanghai. Linda was Ms. Linda TSAO then, so I would cheerfully address her “TSAO GA JIA JIA“ in Shanghainese.

Since Yuelin Yang became a FF Brother, his Mother naturally became my “YANG GA MM MA”. But, by FF Fraternity’s simplistic logic “ All immediate female relatives are “FF. SISTERS”.  So in FF circles, she automatically became my “Sister Linda”.

But since Sister Linda is my most admired old friend and colleague from The 199O Institute, I sometimes salute her “ AMBASSADOR YANG “ for her prominent role as the U.S. Ambassador at the ADB (Asian Development Bank – appointed by President Bill Clinton – 1993-1999 ).

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I first want to take this opportunity to thank “Sister Linda” who in 2003 helped arrange an opportunity for me to visit UC Davis’s Mondavi Center for Performing Arts ( one of the best acoustical chambers in the U.S. ) – as I was trying to persuade Ningbo University ( Ningbo is my ancestral home ) to build a First Class Music Center.

“Sister Linda” treated me graciously with her delicious home-cooking at her home in Davis. To this day, I still remember her succinct advices, her warmth, her fantastic Chinese paintings on the walls, and an unusually large and beautifully bonded book titled: “SUN TZE BING FA. ( The Art of War ).  I was profoundly impressed.

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Many of us already know about Sister Linda’s many spectacular achievements. They were mostly mentioned in the FF Announcement for this FF Strong Town Hall Zoom.

However, I think we all want to learn HOW she accomplished WHAT she did, and from Where came her MAGIC ?

I would first examine why she was awarded the “Distinguished Service Medal” by the U.S Department Treaury and the “Honorary Citizen & City’s Favorite Daughters Award” by Shanghai’s People’s Congress.

It had been explained that the “Distinguished Service Award” was for her steering the bank towards policies and practices which made development assistance more equitable, and enduring, and her key role in defining the bank’s participation in the international response to the Asian Economic Crisis of 1997-98.  

The  Shanghai “Honorary Citizen Award”- was for her bringing international technology and standards in water quality management to the Suzhou Creek environmental cleaning and revitalizing Project – most beneficial to China and to Shanghai, her Ancestral Home.

It seems to me, to accomplish what she did required: first having deep purpose and foresight / then ability to analyze complex problems – technically, economically, and diplomatically / optimizing and prioritizing various opportunities / providing persuasive policy ideas and plans / and finally leveraging her personal integrity, credibility, and charm. I think the last aspect may be the most unique about Sister Linda that we should learn from her.

Indeed, at this Zoom gathering, we can learn a lot by LISTENING closely to WHAT Sister Linda has to say, and WATCH closely on HOW she tells her stories.  I would pay close attention to her VERBAL & FACIAL EXPRESSIONS.

If we seriously wish to learn from her, we must watch her Manners and Composure and capture her Inner Spirit : her Compassion, her Dedication, her Optimism, her Constant Striving, her Pride & Modesty, and her unique Shanghai Sentimentality.

Now, Let us Watch and Listen Closely to Sister Linda.

Welcome, Sister Linda !

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BILLY’S SUGGESTION – TRY TO CAPTURE :

Why she sings ?

What she sings ?

How she sings.

Learn from her Songs

Learn from her High and Low Voice Control

Watch her eyes, lips, and body movements

Catch her Passion – Style – Effects

Confidence – Trustfulness – Optimism.

Totally void of Pretense & Arrogance !

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Since the birth of this Friendshipology website https://friendshipology.net – September 2019 – I have collected about 130 essays – few written by myself, and mostly by my very supportive friends. The collection shines light on various aspects about Friendship, but indeed it has further deepened the love and bonding between me and my wonderful friends. Moreover, the deeper understanding about my friends’ thoughts, feelings, attitudes, and aspirations, has encouraged me to introduce many of them to each other – hoping to expand this “Good Supportive Feeling” generally, and perhaps inspire some of them to consider possible cooperation or collaborations on their worthy endeavors. Most enthusiastically, I decided to make  “CONNECTING FRIENDS TO FRIENDS” to be a major goal for this Friendshipology Initiative.

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Here are three examples on what I did this past month:

1. Letter to Allan in Shanghai and Hiro in Tokyo.

Dear Allan and Hiro,

You are my two very very dear and trusted younger friends !

Allan from Shanghai and Hiro from Tokyo, you really should know

each other as I believe that together you might collaborate on

projects that can truly promote Global Cross-cultural Bonding and

Friendship.

I shall leave it to you to introduce yourselves, as your credentials

are too long for me to list. Best to describe your aspirations and

see how you might be able to assist each other in the immediate or

long-term future.

BTW, I had earlier introduced Hiro to Ben who is a Fraternity 

Brother of both Allan and me. 

Cheer with warm affection always,

Billy

2. Letter to four Post Graduate Students from China.

Dear E, C, Y, and M,

You may be interested in the latest post by the President of CCIS in

<https://friendshipology.net> .

Please also note a short essay by my teen-age grand-daughter, Alana

–  two posts before the last one. It would be nice if you will write and  

give her more encouragement as she looks up to you guys as her

“ BIG SISTERS “

Thanks !

Billy

3. Letter to Mike and Li-Chun

Dear Mike and Li-Chun.

I am so glad to have introduced you to each other, as Mike was able to

edit and publish Li-chun’s  article, “Ping-Pong Diplomacy Led to Science

Exchanges” in the latest issue of US-China Review. I hope that recounting

in detail the history and the role of scientists played in normalizing

US- China relations (1965-1979 ) may help rebuild trust and goodwill.

Cheers always with warm regards,

Billy

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CCIS (Community Committee for International Students at Stanford University) is an organization that provides support to International Grad Students, Post-Docs, Visiting Scholars and their families at Stanford.  Some of our popular programs include Homestay, English in Action (Converse and Connect), Friday Morning Coffee, English Classes, and so many more.  See: website: ccisStanfordU.org

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Spring has brought blossoms to the trees and blooms to our gardens…so much beauty all around.  But Spring has also brought us a reminder that prejudice and bigotry are endemic in America.  We see it in the trial of Derek Chauvin and in the increasing episodes of violence against Asian Americans.  For those of us in CCIS who love having contact with internationals from all over the world, it is difficult to understand this level of hatred and bigotry. 

At first I wanted to think that this problem was happening somewhere else, not in Palo Alto, but my friend’s forty year old son was harassed just this weekend while jogging in the park.  Someone yelled at him to “Go back where you came from.”  He’s an Asian American, born and raised in Palo Alto. Sadly, Palo Alto is not immune to this kind of bigotry.  Just as we prepare for earthquakes or power shut-offs, we should all probably prepare for how we will respond the next time we see harassment.

How you respond will depend upon the circumstances, but thinking about how to respond before you find yourself thrust into that situation, will be helpful.  In the case of the murder of George Floyd, all the bystanders could do was document it with their phone cameras.  As we have seen, the evidence may be important later on.  Sometimes you may be able to get help to stop the harassment or the violence by calling 911 or by asking other bystanders for help. Bullies will often leave when confronted by a group.   If the harassment has not become violent, you may be able to interrvene by pretending to know the victim and saying something like, “Hey, old friend, long time no see. Do you want to get out of here and go get a cup of coffee?” If the victim takes the hint and leaves the scene with you, you may just find that you have found a new friend.  Sometimes you may only feel comfortable going up to the victim afterwards and saying how awful you feel that this happened to them.  Whatever you feel you are able to do, it’s most important to let the victim know s/he is not alone and that you don’t condone what has happened.

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BILLY’S COMMENTS: CCIS and USCPFA-S.Bay are two communities where I volunteered to learn about Cross-cultural Bonding. Thru CCIS’s EIA ( English in Action Program ), Dr. Junichi Matsubara from Kyoto , Japan and I had almost three years of weekly conversations to practise English. We became truly intimate friends, and he named his son – born at Stanford Hospital – Little Billy. That is, indeed, my most gratifying life reward.

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Jocko passed away 6/6/2020. The title could have been, “THE TRAVELS OF A BULLDOG AND 3 TIGERS ”

The year was 1953. Four 1951 Andover Classmates reunited in the
bowels of the S.S. Zuiderkruis, a converted World War II Liberty Ship.
Jocko was the sole Yalie. Doc Castle, Gordon Douglas and Roger Gilbert
were Princeton roommates.

In Jocko’s words: “The crossing from New York to Rotterdam took 16
days. The passengers were all college students with a female/male ratio
of 7 to 1. Heineken cost .10 cents a bottle, hard booze .17 cents.

“We mixed martinis in the small sink in our below-the-waterline, 4-
person cabin, and never knew if it was night or day, probably ushering
in what is now known as Spring Break. On landing in Holland, we
bought a Citroen on an 8-week buy-back. The total cost for 8 weeks was
$400 dollars. We toured England and Scotland, and most of the
countries in Europe, sleeping in hotels only 5 nights.

“We searched out farm lands, slept on a Loch Ness beach, any other
open space we could, under the stars. One night we were awakened by
a farmer pointing his pitchfork at us. He herded us back to the
farmhouse, and made us clean up at the outdoor water pump. All the
while, his wife was making breakfast for us.”

Jock sent me this with a poignant note hinting about the future.
“George, if I had your newfound talent, and more time left, I could
write a lengthy memoir of that trip. I am in hospice with no guess as to
how long, but am being kept relatively free from pain and in fine
mental shape except for short term memory. Keep up the good work!
I haven’t seen Doc or Gordie since our 50 th . If they are still with us,
maybe they could write a memoir of that trip.”

Gordon responded. “Jocko, you did a great job telling our story.
There are lots of others, the rabbits in the UK, the dog in Italy, the
German motorcyclist, and the time our sleeping bags were stolen in
Paris. I met my first wife on the trip. Rog is not faring well. Glad to hear
you are doing relatively well.”

Doc added, “The good old days. Wonderful memories! Rog, Gordie
and I were Princeton roommates, and Cap & Gown club mates. Jock
was first cousin of Marty Moore, Roger’s bride-to-be several years later.
Roger was best man at my weddings, first and second, 33 years apart.
My life has been productive in banking, law and government, I’m
blessed with good health. I’m very fortunate.

Jocko responded very quickly. “Thanks, Gordie, wonderful to hear
from you and Doc, and happy to hear you’re both still at it. More and
more of that trip is coming back as one of the highlights of a long life.
George, if I had your late-in-life learned talent, I, with Doc and Gordie’s
help and perhaps censorship, would write a companion book to yours.”

“Three more snippets for Gordie and Doc: Roger competing bravel
but falling badly throwing the hammer at the Highland Games in
Inverness; one more of us, (I know it wasn’t me) trying to rock climb the
cliff to the Edinburgh Castle at night; and drawing straws as to who had
to sit in the front seat with our terribly boring tour guide in Holland. He
did get back in our graces when we ended up with a wonderful
Indonesian meal, and a non-participating tour of the red-light district in
Amsterdam. Best wishes and thanks to all for the memories to all.”
Joc

All of the above back and forth took place in two days, December 8 th
and 9 th , 2019. Billy Lee emailed Jock, 12/8/2019, “What a great story,
and so animatedly told. I can’t believe you are in hospice! Sounds like
you are in a bar with friends, telling great stories as usual!” Our dear friend Jocko may have passed, but his stories – like our friendships –
live on.

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What I find so lovely about friendships are how unique yet equally strong each one is. There are three friendships that particularly stand out to me right now, each that have begun at different points in time, but are all among the most special relationships in my life.

Friendships are beautiful in the way they live for so long. The first true friend I’ve ever had is Sequoia, whom I met in preschool, where we’d spend our play time acting as characters in another world. Even though we split off to different schools, we stayed close though playdates and winter and summer vacations with our families. As we got older, we were able to communicate through our phones and make more plans to hang out. Even when we haven’t seen each other for a few months, our level of closeness comes back as though no time has passed since the last occasion. Our most recent excursions have been walking through town together and going to the beach, and we still text almost every day. Sequoia is the friend I get to be silly and adventurous with, but also provide for each other the strongest of support. 

Friendships are beautiful in the way they change over time. Another close friend of mine is Rosy, whom I met in middle school, where we were both part of a small friend group that would eat lunch together and hang out after school. I wasn’t particularly good friends with her at first, but we gradually realized that we had similarities in our interests and overall attitudes towards school, people, and life in general. We spent more time as just the two of us in freshman year of high school, and continue to make plans to see each other this year. Rosy and I often go on bike rides or do other forms of exercise, having refreshing and fun conversations. When we text each other, our messages are long and meaningful, expressing care and prompting a true reflection on how we are currently doing.

Friendships are beautiful in the way they emerge unexpectedly. I met my good friend Hanna a few years ago at a Berkeley running club. We went to different middle schools at the time, but would see each other at workouts and talk occasionally. We got to know each other better in freshman year on the cross country team, and became close friends quite quickly. I learned that we have similar personalities, which helps us understand each other’s challenges and goals. For instance, as both reserved people, we talk about how we hope to become better at speaking up in group settings and work together on becoming more outgoing. Hanna and I love to have deep conversations for hours over picnics, take long bike rides, check out new stores in town, as well as encourage each other in school and on the running team.

My friendships are what excite me for school, exercise, and adventure. Every friendship, no matter how close, is such a motivation for me: to be there for someone and to make memorable experiences with, to learn from and to deepen.

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BILLY’s COMMENTS : Alana is my No. One grandchild. She is now a blossoming teenager. I love her calmness and thoughtfulness gaining steadily more self-confidence and socialabilty. For sure, she is a most reliable young friend of mine. I thank her for writing this essay for my FRIENDSHIPOLOGY website.

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