My dear friend Billy Lee asked me to add to his Friendshipology site so here are my musings on the topic. Friendships are an integral part of our deeply rooted social nature. As I age I cherish ever more the special people whom I consider to be my friends.
Being friendly and enjoying an activity with another person can be satisfying and enjoyable. To me, however, and for the sake of this writing, this is not the same as a true and deep friendship although those very special friendships often and typically begin in this way. Additionally, family members can be but aren’t necessarily true friends.
I enjoy reading quotations. After reading many about friendship, the ones below resonate the most with me. Through them I’ll describe what friendship means to me and the place it holds in my life.
.Friends are people who know you really well & like you anyway. – Greg Tambly
We get to know one another through open communications and trust. Friends are those who know our imperfections and accept us completely for who we are.
Friends are those rare people who ask how we are and then wait to hear the answer. – Ed Cunningham
Friends are deeply united with one another; not just by an enjoyment of activities and events, but from our hearts and souls within. With this comes a genuine interest in each other’s lives and a desire to deepen this knowing and understanding.
I get by with a little help from my friends. – The Beatles
Friends help one another through difficult times. Help can be as simple as a drive to a car repair shop and as deep and profound as being emotionally available when a loved one passes. This giving and taking between friends is mutual and given freely over time. It can, of course be unidirectional when one needs it most.
Friendship improves happiness and abates misery, by the doubling of our joy and the dividing of our grief. – Marcus Tullius Cicero
Knowing we are accepted, listened to and valued for who we are provides satisfaction, as does giving this to our friends. In this way we celebrate and increase one another’s joy and comfort through difficult times.
One’s friends are that part of the human race with which one can be human. – George Santayana
Being human is being in tune with our deepest emotions and needs. In most situations and with most people opening ourselves to this level of intimacy and vulnerability is not appropriate and can even put an unwanted burden on the other person. Friends provide the freedom to share at a deep level. Not everything and not to every friend, but far more than to others.
The best things in life aren’t things… they’re our friends. – unknown
This quote doesn’t need any discussion; it is my favorite in its truth and simplicity.
Jeanne Gadol, a native Californian, exhibited her interest and talent in artistic expression since childhood. She found her creative niche with the advent of digital art and photography. A fulltime artist since 2000, she photographs, paints, and combines her photographs and paintings with other digital elements resulting in unique digital artistry. One of her greatest joys is knowing her art brings thousands of owners and viewers happiness and a sense of peace and wonder.
Her other sources of pleasure are being in nature and of course spending time with her friends and family. She lives in Portola Valley, California with her beloved husband and slightly crazy Siamese cat.
Billy, I’m not able right now to provide an essay on compassion from a buddhist perspective, but here’s a poem I wrote in 2016 that went to an incarcerated young person, sent anonymously through the Mind Body Awareness Project: Mindfulness & Life Skills for At-Risk Youth (http://www.mbaproject.org . You may find it suitable for your website.
The world can feel cruel,
Making kindness seem like something for a fool.
Made me wonder why I should ever go to school.
When life knocked me down,
I hurt deep inside and struggled to get off the ground.
Saw nothing worth living for in town and around.
Like many others, I’ve gone through dark times.
Seemed like other kids got sweets when I got only limes.
The only thing I believed in was angry hip hop rhymes.
When life was dark, I looked at my past with regret,
I saw others as a threat.
Hearing empty promises for the future only got me more upset.
Then I learned there are ways to free my mind.
Realized even though we got eyes, we’re actually blind.
There’s unimaginable goodness in life for us to find.
With a glimmer of hope, I no longer felt confined.
Decided to leave my dark days behind.
Join a good fight somewhere with people unbelievably kind.
Set your mind straight, and life will be great.
BILLY”S COMMENTS: It’s admirable to have kind thought. It’s real when compassionate action follows.
Friendshipology, the study of friendship, is complicated: The who, the what, the when, the where, the how and the why of friends and friendships. If “to be or not to be” is the existential Shakespearean question, particularized here, the question becomes to befriend or not to befriend.
My first thoughts on the subject brought to mind two experiences. The first experience involved Shawn, a three or four year old boy who was having his first playdate with my son Robert. Before crossing the threshold of the open front door, he announced a governing principle of friendship, “Be nice me.”
The second experience was an anecdote related by Theodore Greene, PhD in a course called The Philosophy of Religion. Dr. Greene was teaching leadership to a group of Marine Corps officers. Asked to comment on a Greek philosopher’s views on leadership, the Marine major said, “You can’t love a sonofabitch.”
Then there is the range of one’s prospective friends. A person who is nice to you might get a responsive thank you, a pat on the back, a smile and maybe a hug. On the other hand, a business person who with a smile on his or her face fails to disclose a material fact to you in negotiations, defrauds you, is not one to befriend. That is at least until the fraud is acknowledged and the problems caused by the fraud remedied. You might then befriend. There are to me limits on friendship between people.
My second thoughts on Friendshipology suggest that friendships are not limited to people, but involve the universe of human experience. For instance as a lawyer and a mediator, the truth and nothing but the truth is an idea, the befriending of which is an absolute necessity, creating duties to courts, clients, opposing counsel and their clients. Truth is an idea to befriend. It is the lifeblood of a not only a legal system but, literally, liberty and justice for all.
My grandson put it to me this way: In response to a question, “What’s that?” he said, “I don’t know; tell me and then I’ll know.” Truth telling becomes an obligation. Teach the truth to your grandchildren. Speak truth. Of course you must know the truth to speak it or teach it. Therein lies the challenge. How to determine the truth, especially in this era of broadband and social media use.
Truth telling is tempered by an adage, attributed to Mark Twain, that it’s not what we don’t know that gets us into trouble, it’s the things we think we know that “ain’t so” that get us into trouble. A squared plus B squared equals C squared is a wonderment of truth. The math must be correct. There is but one correct answer to a math problem. The immutable laws of physics, biology and chemistry need the professional befriending of scientists and students.
In the 1990s San Diego began to recognize the severity of its water problems. One of the solutions proposed was water reuse. Experimental facilities, using the water hyacinth as a cleansing agent, were built that produced water capable of reuse for all purposes but drinking. Purple pipe irrigation using non potable water for irrigation evolved. Eventually potable water was produced. That was an idea which to me was worth befriending. I took note.
It was also in the 1990s that the truth of water reuse was being pursued by John Todd of Cape Cod in Massachussetts. His concept of “living machines” was interesting. He was featured on national television. Facilities were built in New England, Canada and China. Again I took note, and I began to research the subject as a meritorious idea and to pursue “solar aquatics” or onsite water treatment as a potential new business venture.
It was in the 1990s too that I ran into my classmate Billy Lee at an Andover reunion where I discussed “living machines” with him and with other classmates. My law practice took me to the San Francisco Bay Area at times thereafter, and I continued to enjoy opportunities to meet and talk with Billy. When he was invited to Ningbo in 1999 to be presented with an honorary degree, he invited me to travel there with him and perhaps give a lecture on wastewater. His acceptance speech was on sustainability. Traveling with Billy, sharing time, space and talk expanded our friendship.
I had fun giving a lecture to a group of students in Ningbo. I think they got the notion of water reuse through the use of plants as the primary cleansing agent. I recall that one of their professors was nodding in agreement as I spoke.
As suggested at the outset, friendship is a complicated subject. We must befriend ourselves with respect and care. Personal friendships with one’s spouse, mother, father, sister, brother, playmate, teammate or classmate are all enhanced by our senses and sensibilities. Business friendships are essential as we co-exist in time and in space on our planet.
We need to be friends of the earth. That friendship is existential.
Billy and I were classmates at both Andover (1951) and Yale (1955). Following graduation from Yale, I spent two years as a naval officer serving on LSTs in the Pacific. With my discharge from active duty in 1957, I started law school at Boston University and finished at the University of Denver. After passing the Colorado bar exam, the California bar exam followed. Then came the practice of law in San Diego as a civil trial lawyer from 1962 to 1999 and as a mediator for several years.
Having retired from the active practice of law, I formed a California corporation called Onsite Water Treatment, Inc. of which I was President. Today I remain concerned about the local discharge of billions of gallons of wastewater into the Pacific Ocean off San Diego by Californians, the solution to the drying up of the Salton Sea in Southern California, and the contamination of our coastal waters by untreated sewage from the Tijuana River.
As a teenager I was fortunate to pursue the life-changing adventure of international travel. On a student exchange program, I made dear friends with my host family in Mexico City despite our communication challenges.
It was the memorable summer of 1968, when that metropolis was preparing to host the Olympics. Wow, was I excited to make the trip from Eugene, Oregon!
Having had one year of Spanish as a junior, my knowledge of it was rudimentary but I knew that I had an ear for language (after two fundamental years of Latin). Also, I was a quick learner. So away I went with my mother’s encouragement and despite my father’s apprehension.
The journey was long. With limited funds and to enable several students to participate, our chaperoned group traveled by bus and by train. On arrival, we were introduced to our respective host family representatives. We were informed as to which local high schools we were to attend. Afterwards I did not see our chaperone or anyone else from our group that summer until we reconvened for the return trip. These arrangements made for an immersive experience which has inspired me to this day.
As it happened, no one in my host family spoke English except for their high school age daughter who had studied it for one year. We laughed at the realization that the easiest way to communicate was for her to speak to me in Spanish and me to respond in English. Our vocabularies, grammar and pronunciation skills developed rapidly as we got to know one another. So did our understanding of idiomatic expressions and use of the vernacular. When she wasn’t around, the other family members and I managed with good humor, kindness, patience and respect.
They were generous hosts who introduced me to their bustling city and showed me their fascinating country. They taught me about its history, art, music, architecture and archeology, societal and political issues. They kept me safe in turbulent and unforgettable times, including an earthquake-related power outage, student strikes, overturned buses set afire by protesters, and armed troops on campuses.
I returned two more summers to visit my Mexican amigos. The summer between high school and college we toured more of their country together, and during college I attended a language school in nearby Cuernavaca. They visited me and my family a couple times as well.
These experiences were the enduring product of cross-cultural friendship. I remember them fondly more than fifty years later. Viva Mexico!
Robin Herman Allenby was licensed as a California lawyer in 1979. She has a Bachelor of Arts degree from the University of Oregon (double major, Romance Languages and Sociology) and a Juris Doctorate degree from the University of San Diego School of Law. After practicing law in the San Francisco Bay Area, where she hosted several international students, she moved back to San Diego. Robin still loves mariachi music. She is happily married to fellow lawyer, Norm Allenby, who was a classmate of Billy Ming Sing Lee’s at Andover and Yale.
Here is an amazing story from a flight attendant on #Delta_Flight_15, written following 9-11:
On the morning of Tuesday, September 11, we were about 5 hours out of Frankfurt, flying over the North Atlantic .
All of a sudden the curtains parted and I was told to go to the cockpit, immediately, to see the captain. The captain handed me a printed message. It was from Delta’s main office in Atlanta and simply read, “All airways over the Continental United States are closed to commercial air traffic. Land ASAP at the nearest airport. Advise your destination.”
No one said a word about what this could mean. We knew it was a serious situation and we needed to find terra firma quickly. The captain determined that the nearest airport was 400 miles behind us in Gander, Newfoundland.
There were already about 20 other airplanes on the ground from all over the world that had taken this detour on their way to the US. In the next hour or so more planes landed and Gander ended up with 53 airplanes from all over the world, 27 of which were US commercial jets.
Meanwhile, bits of news started to come in over the aircraft radio and for the first time we learned that airplanes were flown into the World Trade Center in New York and into the Pentagon in DC.
Sometime in the evening the news filtered to us that the World Trade Center buildings had collapsed and that a fourth hijacking had resulted in a crash. By now the passengers were emotionally and physically exhausted, not to mention frightened, but everyone stayed amazingly calm.
About 10:30 on the morning of the 12th a convoy of school buses showed up. We got off the plane and were taken to the terminal where we went through Immigration and Customs and then had to register with the Red Cross.
After that we (the crew) were separated from the passengers and were taken in vans to a small hotel. We had no idea where our passengers were going. We learned from the Red Cross that the town of Gander has a population of 10,400 people and they had about 10,500 passengers to take care of from all the airplanes that were forced into Gander!
People of Gander were extremely friendly. They started calling us the “plane people.” We enjoyed their hospitality, explored the town of Gander and ended up having a pretty good time.
Two days later, we got that call and were taken back to the Gander airport. Back on the plane, we were reunited with the passengers and found out what they had been doing for the past two days.
What we found out was incredible.
Gander and all the surrounding communities (within about a 75 Kilometer radius) had closed all high schools, meeting halls, lodges, and any other large gathering places. They converted all these facilities to mass lodging areas for all the stranded travelers.
Some had cots set up, some had mats with sleeping bags and pillows set up.
ALL the high school students were required to volunteer their time to take care of the “guests.”
Our 218 passengers ended up in a town called Lewisporte, about 45 kilometers from Gander where they were put up in a high school. If any women wanted to be in a women-only facility, that was arranged.
Families were kept together. All the elderly passengers were taken to private homes.
Remember that young pregnant lady? She was put up in a private home right across the street from a 24-hour Urgent Care facility.There was a dentist on call and both male and female nurses remained with the crowd for the duration.
Phone calls and e-mails to the U.S. and around the world were available to everyone once a day. During the day, passengers were offered “Excursion” trips. Some people went on boat cruises of the lakes and harbors. Some went for hikes in the local forests.
Local bakeries stayed open to make fresh bread for the guests.
Food was prepared by all the residents and brought to the schools. People were driven to restaurants of their choice and offered wonderful meals. Everyone was given tokens for local laundry mats to wash their clothes, since luggage was still on the aircraft.
In other words, every single need was met for those stranded travelers.
It was absolutely incredible.
When passengers came on board, it was like they had been on a cruise. Everyone knew each other by name. They were swapping stories of their stay, impressing each other with who had the better time. Our flight back to Atlanta looked like a chartered party flight.
Passengers had totally bonded and were calling each other by their first names, exchanging phone numbers, addresses, and email addresses.
And then a very unusual thing happened.
One of our passengers approached me and asked if he could make an announcement over the PA system. We never, ever allow that. But this time was different. I said “of course” and handed him the mike. He picked up the PA and reminded everyone about what they had just gone through in the last few days. He reminded them of the hospitality they had received at the hands of total strangers.
He continued by saying that he would like to do something in return for the good folks of Lewisporte.
“He said he was going to set up a Trust Fund under the name of DELTA 15 (our flight number). The purpose of the trust fund is to provide college scholarships for the high school students of Lewisporte.
He asked for donations of any amount from his fellow travelers. When the paper with donations got back to us with the amounts, names, phone numbers and addresses, the total was for more than $14,000!
“The gentleman, a MD from Virginia , promised to match the donations and to start the administrative work on the scholarship. He also said that he would forward this proposal to Delta Corporate and ask them to donate as well.
As I write this account, the trust fund is at more than $1.5 million and has assisted 134 students in college education.
“I just wanted to share this story because we need good stories right now. It gives me a little bit of hope to know that some people in a faraway place were kind to some strangers who literally dropped in on them.
It reminds me how much good there is in the world.”
BILLY’s COMMENTS: I always thought I understood PERSON TO PERSON
FRIENDSHIP. This is one unique FRIENDSHIP PEOPLE TO PEIPLE.
Sarah Randt is none other then the Da Shi Tai Tai ( wife of Clarke T. Randt Jr. U.S. Ambassador to China from 2001- 2009 ). She was honorary co-chair of The 1990 Institute’s “Xin Xin Jiao” or “Heart to Heart Bridging” – a US-China Children’s Friendship project.
She said to Billy: “Evidently the play “Come From Away” is a musical about this story or one very similar.”
Making friends in my line of work as a community designer is so obvious and natural that sometimes it escapes notice, until a wise old man reminds me to pay attention. Billy asked me to write a piece about friendship and community design and it dawns on me that in most instances, friendship in the community is an integral part of engaging the community in identifying problems, finding alternatives and deciding on solutions, what I call participatory design.
One example is the design of a neighborhood park in a very densely populated district in Taipei. Along with my students from the National Taiwan University, we came upon an abandoned site turned into a neighborhood garbage dump. We discovered that this site is a designated location for a neighborhood park but due to disagreements over its design, it had been vacant for many years without a solution. Two factions of the community were constantly at odds over large and small issues. The students saw an opportunity and took on the challenge of engaging the opposing groups of residents. Initially they established an after-school store-front workshop across the street from the site where school children could come to do their homework tutored by the NTU students. Of course both parents and school children were enthusiastic with this opportunity and after our NTU students had become familiar with all the neighborhood school children, a site cleaning party was organized. The event was planned and carried out by the collaboration of the NTU students and the local school children. The event was a success ending with a neighborhood party on the cleaned site. Because school children from both factions of the neighborhood were actively engaged, their respective family members all came out for the party. All agreed that cleaning out this eyesore was a positive step taken by the community. As a result, previous tensions between opposing factions began to ease.
Following this initial action, NTU students, along with interested local school children, began to plan for the future park. Aware of the differences that existed in the neighborhood, the group had to devise activities that would bring people together, not necessarily to agree, but to engage. One of the first activities was to ask people in the community to identify places which they either like or dislike by the use of instant cameras to record. By soliciting over a hundred responses from old people, young people, housewives and shopkeepers, a photo exhibit of the responses were held on site for all to see. Photos of likes and dislikes were grouped separately and the effect of the display was amazing in that people of opposing factions suddenly realized their values about the qualities of the neighborhood environment are much more similar and close to each other rather than different. People from opposing factions began to talk to each other for the first time, discussing shared opinions and some differing viewpoints. Suddenly, the community seemed to come alive with talk and chatter. They began to find out about each other, about family, about who knows whom, about kids’ schooling, about buying groceries. Small talk about daily life led to friendship across factions and cliques. There was the beginning of a new energy in the community that was previously absent. Along the way the NTU students became friends with the families in the surrounding neighborhood, often being invited home for meals and to serve as big brothers and sisters to the school kids.
At this point NTU students felt that the community was ready to engage in conversations about the future of the park site. Again, activities with school children led the way, including collaborative drawings of an ideal park where two or three kids worked out shared ideas and discarded conflicting proposals. This helped to build trust and mutual reliance which strengthened the friendships in formation. Other activities such as interviews with elderly people were undertaken to gather ideas about the needs and wants of the older generation. For example, one very specific and widely shared idea was that older people like to watch what younger people and kids are doing, rather than being separated and secluded. This became one of the important guidelines to the design of the park.
Neighborhood people were then organized into three groups to participate in the actual design of the park. Old people, women and young people formed design teams assisted by the NTU students. Each team proposed a design scheme for the park and a neighborhood preference poll was taken to decide which scheme would be selected.
Unexpectedly some elderly folks objected to counting young people’s votes because they thought that young people are only kids and should not be allowed to participate in serious matters of decision making. Their reasoning was that it is O.K. for young people to make a design proposal, but that the decision should be left to the adults. This sudden turn of events caused confusion among all participants and accusations of procedural shortcomings and age discriminations, etc. began to split the community apart.
At this point the NTU students realized that the impasse between generations would need some time to resolve. A moratorium of two weeks was called on the voting process to relax the tensions. Some way of bringing the community back together needed to be found. By considering the key accomplishment made so far, it was clear that newly formed friendships across factions was a key that could recapture the energy that was waning. For the next two weeks, the NTU students worked with adults and elderly folks to communicate the viewpoint that young people in the neighborhood had contributed responsibly to the process up to this moment and that their proposed design for the park ought to receive equal consideration, and further that the young people’s choices for the preferred design should be respected as any other resident of the neighborhood. Friendship played a critical role as people spent time discussing with family members, with new friends and with elderly people. After two weeks, the neighborhood came together and took a preference poll again, this time with the full inclusion of the young people. A selection of the preferred design was made, to everyone’s satisfaction. With a delay of few weeks, the community gained a new understanding of making group decisions including the pros and cons of direct voting, as well as respect among generations. In addition, some of the details of what makes friendship work were also tested and refined. One such detail is trust, how one person trusts the judgments and values of others.
The NTU students provided the technical support to complete the project and the park was finally realized a year later. In the meantime, the residents of the neighborhood organized a park supervision committee on their own initiative, including maintenance, landscape management, safety patrol, cleaning, and conflict resolution. Bonding with neighbors and making lasting friends through the participatory process of designing the park, a sense of collective achievement was critical in sustaining the supervision committee’s work. At the opening of the park, there was a lot of media exposure of this project and many reporters were curious about what is so special about a participatory design process. The physical aspects of the park seemed ordinary enough, with playground, ball court, seating area, flowers and trees. The design of the park, on first sight, even had some awkward spots that a professional designer would not have done. So the reporters pressed me to explain.
What I said in response was: If you look carefully at what you can see, for example, the long curvilinear bench that ring the edge of the open plaza and ask how it was designed, I would say that the elderly people wanted to see small kids playing in the plaza in a safe and shaded area. The young people’s design proposal incorporated this need and designed a continuous bench which later became one of the most used features of the park. Another example is the ball court where earlier, young people wanted a full size basketball court. When adults and elderly people pointed out that a full size court takes up too much space and some of the elderly people’s needs would have to be disregarded, then the young people, on their own, decided to make only a half court instead of a full court. These kinds of dialog, give and take, among groups and between generations, could only happen is there is trust and mutual respect, and if there is self-awareness and empathy. Then I went on to remind the reporters to ask residents themselves about what is so special about this park. I said you will find what is special may be the non-physical aspects of the park. It is the social process that reversed a community in conflict and turned it into a community in cooperation. The key to this reversal is the building of friendships at the beginning of the process. It is these friendships that let to the sustainability of this park as a loved neighborhood place.
True enough, after more than twenty years since its opening, on a recent visit I found the trees have grown tall as well as the young people who have grown up to become responsible and valuable members of this community. They take pride in creating this community space through the agency of friendship. The park, in turn, provides the context for sustaining robust second generation friendships.
John K.C. Liu is currently the chairman of the Building and Planning Research Foundation (BPRF) at the National Taiwan University, of which he was the founding executive director in 1990. Over the past thirty years the BPRF has provided professional planning and design services to improve the everyday living environment of more than 500 communities. Significant projects include the Yilan Performing Arts Center, Taipei Treasure Hill Historic Village Preservation and Reuse, South-West Coastal Area Ecological Planning, Heritage Planning for the Indigenous Kochapogan settlement , and the Houpi Community Development Planning in Yilan. Specific methodologies of direct community participation have been refined through practice.
John K.C. Liu attended the Rhode Island School of Design from 1963-1965, and in 1968 received a B.Arch.from the Cooper Union in New York. In 1969 he received a M.Arch. from the University of Washington, Seattle and in 1980 a Ph.D. in Architecture from the University of California, Berkeley.
Dr. Liu’s current research and professional interests are in sustainable development and environment planning, ecological design, public facilities planning and design including theaters, museums, schools, housing, and historical heritage planning. His special expertise is in participatory community planning and design.
Dr. Liu has been a Professor in the Graduate Institute of Building and Planning at the National Taiwan University. He has also taught at the University of Washington, Seattle, the Penn State University, Tunghai and Chung Yuan universities in Taiwan, U.C. Berkeley, California, and Tsinghua University, Beijing. During 2016-2017 he was the OSM Distinguished Visiting Professor at National University of Singapore Department of Architecture.
Dr. Liu’s contributions to sustainable community development and planning have been recognized by numerous honors and awards. They include: 16th Taipei Culture Award, 2012; First Prize,Taiwan Architects Association Annual Awards, for the Yilan County Performing Arts Center, 2000; California State Asian American Association of Engineers Professional Achievement Award, 1989; State of California Affordable Housing Award, 1986; U.S. National Science Foundation Public Service Science Residency award, 1981; Progressive Architecture Awards Citation in Applied Research, 1978.
BILLY’s COMMENTS : Billy met John in 1967 as volunteers at New York Chinatown. Several young Chinese Architects and Planners formed a Group named New York Chinatown Urban Design Team. We became friends and have kept up ever since. John and wife Shirley have children in the Bay Area. They visit their children regularly and each time they come they would visit Billy and Lucille at Portola Valley – near Stanford University.
In May 2015 I was asked to take a group of Spanish students to visit the redwood forest in Anderson Grove near Healdsburg, California. The students were sophomores from the University of Navarra in Pamplona, Spain. Most of them had not previously visited the United States and none had been in a redwood forest. They were typical of the 18- and 19-year-old students whom I had taught at Berkeley.
When we arrived at the parking lots at Anderson Grove they piled out of the vans and clustered in small groups intently engaging in conversation. Some who were not engaged in conversation were texting on their cell phones or taking picture. I lined the students up in single file and walked them passed the entrance kiosk and into the forest. We walked about 100 yards accompanied by a cacophony of their conversation. Many of the students were also texting and taking pictures. Stopping the group, I told them I wanted them to experience the forest on a basic level and that I thought their conversation, texting, and photography would interfere with that level of experience. Then I asked them to turn their cell phones off and give them to me. Some students seemed very reluctant to give up their cell phones. They looked pained by my request. Having obtained their cell phones, I asked them to walk alone through the forest to an opening about ¼ mile further along the trail. I asked them to stay 50 feet apart and not engage in any conversation with other students. This was to insure that they would have a more or less individual experience of walking through the redwoods.
The students walked individually through the beautiful grove of ancient trees. When we all assembled in the small clearing at the end of the walk, I gave each student a piece of paper and asked them to write a list of words to describe how they felt while walking through the redwoods. After 5 minutes each student read the words he or she had written down. These included the following words, some of which appeared on several of the student’s lists: “peaceful”, “calm”, “reverent”, “sublime”, “relaxed”, “comfortable”, “happy”. I too had experienced many of these feeling walking alone through redwood forests. The silence and majesty of the trees always melted away the anxiety and trivia that cluttered my mind. Any sense of my problems seemed insignificant in the presence of the age-old, giant trees. Being among them made me feel at peace with myself, the world and happy.
I returned the student’s cell phones and invited them to walk back to our vans in the parking lot. The cacophony of conversations, texting, and photographing returned as we walked back. But I was glad they had experienced a special level of happiness in the redwood forest.
SPECIALIZATIONS Vegetation and ecological analysis; urban forestry; historic landscape restoration.
BIOGRAPHY: Professor McBride’s current research involves projects on (1) the effects of urban forests in the reduction of air pollution in China, (2) the composition, structure, and function of urban forests in different biomes, (3) the role of fire in riparian woodlands of the Sierra Nevada, and (4) wind patterns, micro-climates, and windthrown hazard in urban areas.
AWARDS + RECOGNITION: Merit Award for Stanford University Vegetation Management Plan. ASLA. 1983 Resources Preservation Award for San Francisco Presidio Study. National Resources Council. 1987Distinguished Teaching Award. University of California. 1991Carl Alwin Schenck Award for Distinguished Teaching. Society of American Foresters. 1992Honor Award for Sutro Baths Historic Restoration Plan. ASLA. 1993Donald P. Gasser Award for Distinguished Contributions to Forestry Education. University of California. 1997 and 2007Fellow Society of American Foresters. 1997Seal of the College of Natural Resources. University of Tehran. 1999Research Award International Society of Arboriculture – 2003 Elected Member of the Chinese Academy of Forestry – 2004Keynote Speaker – Annual Meeting of the International Society for Arboriculture. Honolulu, Hawaii. July 2007Outstanding Field Course Teaching Award, College of Natural Resources, University of California, 2008Keynote Speaker – Ohio Conference on Urban and Community Forestry. Ohio State University. Columbus, Ohio. October 2009The Outstanding Educator Award. Council of Educators in Landscape Architecture, 2009The California Preservation Foundation Award for “Restoration of the Gardens on Alcatraz Island” – 2009Keynote Speaker – International Conference on Urban Forestry in Challenging Environment. Beijing Forestry University. Beijing, P.R.C., September, 2010Best in Practice Award, Northern California APA – San Francisco Better Streets Plan, 2010Charter Award, Congress for New Urbanism – San Francisco Better Streets Plan, 2011AWARDS + RECOGNITION
BILLY’s COMMENTS: In July 1997, Prof McBride and Dean Harrison Fraker led a team of five members from UC Berkeley’s College of Environmental Design on a five day visit to Ningbo, China – Billy’s ancestral home. They consulted with the Ningbo City Government on how to develop a model urban design plan for simultaneous achievement in both economic development and environmental protection strategies . Prof Joe McBride and Dean Fraker led the Berkeley Team. A year later The 1990 Institute, UC Berkeley, and Ningbo City jointly submitted a proposal to ADB ( Asia Development Bank ) via China’s Central Planning Office. Although the master proposal, which focused on priorities in development sequences, was rejected due to ADB’s switch in policy in funding only actual construction projects instead of planning studies. Prof. McBride obtained a separate grant to do a Urban Forest Study for Ningbo. Poeple generally all respect Joe and appreciate his firm and thoughtful caringness. He is forever a DEAR FRIEND if not your BEST FRIEND.
ONE Good FRIEND is equal to ONE Good Medicine…! Likewise, ONE Good Group is equal to ONE Full medical store…!
Six Best Doctors in the World…. 1.Sunlight, 2.Rest, 3.Exercise 4.Diet, 5.Self Confidence & 6.Friends. _______________________________________________________
“A friend is someone who understands your past, believes in your future, and accepts you just the way you are.” – Unknown “Don’t expect your friends to be perfect. Just expect them to be your friends. – Unknown “Friendship is the hardest thing in the world to explain. It’s not something you learn in school. But if you haven’t learned the meaning of friendship, you really haven’t learned anything.” – Muhammad Ali “If ever there is tomorrow when we’re not together… there is something you must always remember. You are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think. But the most important thing is, even if we’re apart… I’ll always be with you.” – Winnie the Pooh “Growing apart doesn’t change the fact that for a long time we grew side by side; our roots will always be tangled. I’m glad for that.” – Ally Condie “One’s friends are that part of the human race with which one can be human.” – George Santayana “Be slow to fall into friendship; but when thou art in, continue firm & constant.”’ – Socrates “Let us be grateful to the people who make us happy; they are the charming gardeners who make our souls blossom.” – Marcel Proust
“You can always tell a real friend: when you’ve made a fool of yourself he doesn’t feel you’ve done a permanent job.” – Laurence J. Peter “Friends are those rare people who ask how we are and then wait to hear the answer.” – Ed Cunningham “The most beautiful discovery true friends make is that they can grow separately without growing apart.” – Elisabeth Foley “Lots of people want to ride with you in the limo, but what you want is someone who will take the bus with you when the limo breaks down.” — Oprah Winfrey “When you stop expecting people to be perfect, you can like them for who they are.” – Donald Miller “A true friend is someone who thinks that you are a good egg even though he knows that you are slightly cracked.” – Bernard Meltzer “Sometimes being a friend means mastering the art of timing. There is a time for silence. A time to let go and allow people to hurl themselves into their own destiny. And a time to prepare to pick up the pieces when it’s all over.” –Octavia Butler
“The best time to make friends is before you need them.” – Ethel Barrymore “Truly great friends are hard to find, difficult to leave, and impossible to forget.” – Unknown “Don’t walk in front of me; I may not follow. Don’t walk behind me; I may not lead. Just walk beside me and be my friend.” – Albert Camus “Each friend represents a world in us, a world possibly not born until they arrive, and it is only by this meeting that a new world is born.” – Anais Nin “A friend knows the song in my heart and sings it to me when my memory fails.” – Donna Roberts It is one of the blessings of old friends that you can afford to be stupid with them. Ralph Waldo Emerson
Walking with a friend in the dark is better than walking alone in the light. Helen Keller I support you; you support me. I am in this world to offer you peace; you are in this world to bring me joy. Thic Nhat Hang
There is nothing on this earth more to be prized than true friendship. Thomas Aquinas
A friend is someone who gives you total freedom to be yourself. Jim Morrison
Friends are people who know you really well and like you anyway. Greg Tamblyn Friendship is, a long journey through the hills and valleys of life. Unknown Friends are the most important ingredient in the recipe called life. Unknown If you have good friends, no matter how much life is sucking , they can make you laugh. P.C. Cast The greatest good you can do for another is not just to share your riches but to reveal to him his own. Benjamin Disraeli The most I can do for my friend is simply be his friend. Ralph Waldo Emerson One of the most beautiful qualities of true friendship is to understand and to be understood.
Seneca Close friends are truly life’s treasures. Sometimes they know us better than we know ourselves. With gentle honesty, they are there to guide and support us, to share our laughter and our tears. Their presence reminds us that we are never really alone. Vincent van Gogh We can live without religion and meditation, but we cannot survive without human affection. Dalai Lama Friendship involves many things but, above all the power of going outside oneself and appreciating what is noble and loving in another. Thomas Huxley
The best things in life aren’t things… they’re your friends. Unknown Friendship with oneself is all important because without it one cannot be friends with anybody else in the world. Eleanor Roosevelt To have a friend and be a friend is what makes life worthwhile. Unknown
This summary was written in response to a request by my friend, Billy Lee who asked me to write the story. I was telling Billy about friendship or lost friendship. i.e. it may be considered a case of how to lose a friend. Exact names and locations are somewhat different but the story is exactly the same.
Circa 1984 my wife and I were living, as empty nesters, in a desirable area in the San Francisco Bay area and owned a lovely home. Sam was the realtor representing us in buying this lovely home and he did a good job. He was a very nice man and we stayed friends for years after.
My wife and I were very happy. I was a Senior Program Manager for a defense contractor and really enjoyed my position. My wife found a position very similar to what she had at our previous location and she was quite happy. We were both happy.
About 1989 U.S. defense contracts were drying up since the country was making more love than war in that time frame. Yes, I was laid off.
Finding employment – at my level and age 51 – was a definite challenge. Yes I know it’s illegal to discriminate on the basis of age but …..I’m just saying you know. Long story short I accepted a position with a company outside of Dallas, TX. I had consulted for this company during much of this period of about 9 months of unemployment.
When it came time to relocate we of course called our friend Sam regarding selling our house and considered ourselves fortunate to have a nice honest realtor to deal with etc. Much to our surprise he asked would we be interested in renting our house……to him! He gave us a very logical summary of the benefits to us including something that we had never really thought of i.e. we would have a home in CA if we wanted to come back, as we probably would, since we had half our family here i.e. our son and his family. Sam clearly indicated the projected unbelievable appreciation of real estate in our area and how difficult it would be to get another home like ours in the future. Sam also told us that he wanted to sell his house, take out the large equity value therein and invest it in an opportunity that had been offered him which he indicated was a really good deal. Us renting our house to him would solve lots of problems with his plan and allow him to stay as a realtor in our area; he felt the timing was exceptional. We thanked Sam and told him we would let him know.
We did think about it. Financially it was a win-win for both parties. Although we had never rented before a major factor to me in renting was having good tenants that will take care of and won’t damage your property. Since we were certain Sam would take care of the property that major consideration was of no real concern with this deal. We decided to do it.
Watch this great story go downhill!
Things went well for about 4 months. Well is defined as payments on time and no unusual maintenance problems. Month #5 payment was about 10 days late and month #6 payment was even later. Month #7 there was no payment. I reluctantly called Sam. I was reluctant because it’s not a pleasant type of conversation to have and since Sam was a friend it made it more uncomfortable. Sam indicated he was very sorry and embarrassed. He indicated there was a problem with his investment not panning out as planned, but things were in the process of being corrected that would allow him to recover and send us all back payments etc. I told him that I also was sorry to hear about the investment turmoil but I could not carry both mortgages. He promised to call if any further problems develop.
Month 7 payment never came and midway through month 8th I called Sam to ask where are payments 7 & 8. He explained not only the major investment turnaround was going slower than planned but his wife had become ill and needed to be taken care of further delaying progressive efforts. Of course I told him I was sorry to hear about his wife however we need to get this rental situation corrected as I could not continue without timely payments. He assured me it would be corrected soon however would not give me a definitive date as to when. I closed by telling Sam I would pray for his wife but we need to resolve this matter quickly.
Month 9 not only had no payment but we were unable to contact Sam. After leaving several messages on his phone, my last message advised Sam that I was sorry but I would be turning this matter over to a lawyer…..which we did I’m sorry to say. We hired an attorney in the town where the house was and she sent a letter to Sam regarding the problem. About a week later I was contacted by Sam’s son who lived in Southern CA. Although he was irritated with me he promised immediate action to provide all back funds….and he did in a timely manner.
Sam promptly vacated our property and our life as I’ve never seen him again. I believe he went Instead of renting the house further, we promptly sold it, using of course, and another realtor. Although this created some stress and hard feelings I wish we hadn’t lost Sam as a friend…. but I suppose that’s life.???
BILLY’S COMMENTS : Most friends like to help each other whenever possible, but sometime it is not financially possible. The problem in this story started with Sam’s unfortunate investment plus his wife’s illness. The lawyer’s threat to sue apparently forced Sam to get help from his son. The son was honorable and paid back nobly. I hope that the old friends will meet again and laugh over that crisis and cheer and congratulate Sam for having such a Wonderful Son. Sam’s son should be commended, indeed !
I’d often heard of my father’s old friends— Uncle Billy and Aunt Lucille. My parents had reconnected with them when they moved to California in the 1980s. But by then I’d grown and flown from my parents’ home, and only visited with them periodically over the years they lived in Menlo Park.
They most often referred to Uncle Billy in a sort of “one name” way—like Oprah, or Cher. He was always called “BillyLee” and was a true favorite of both of my parents. This was quite an achievement, honestly, as parents don’t always share the same friends.
My father knew Uncle Billy first as a fraternity brother—fellow members of the “F.F.” fraternity of Chinese men. Looking at Pop’s photo collections from the 1950s, I recognize what an important and meaningful community this was to them. As I understand it, the “Flips” were true brothers-in-spirit for the young members, an adoptive family while their blood relatives were back home in China or other far-flung locales.
Back in the day, they had grand parties together—black-tie balls at fancy, big-city hotels. And many more casual gatherings; my father treasured and kept so many pictures of weekends at the lakes in Wisconsin and Michigan. The “Flips” were joined by the “sisters”, and it seems many great romances were born of these get-togethers—relationships that blossomed in communities where these young Chinese might otherwise have felt adrift.
Over the years, raising kids, pursuing careers in other places, some of the brothers maintained only a loose, Christmas-card-type connection. Every year we’d receive “family updates” from F.F. families in Delavan, Wisconsin, or Oakland, California, or Fairfax, Virginia, or Taiwan, or even Menlo Park. The “Flips” stayed in touch, even if they didn’t see each other for years.
When my parents relocated to the Bay Area, my father was quickly welcomed back to the F.F. fold. He reported lengthy lunches with “young brothers” and said it was his “responsibility” to attend “F.F. meetings” as often as possible. He made it sound like a bit of a chore, but I know he was truly delighted to reconnect with his dear friends from forty years earlier and make some new ones too.
When Pop’s health declined, as his only daughter, 2000 miles away, I was constantly anxious for him. Finally, it was clear my mother could no longer care for him at home, and he was too frail already to move close to me and my husband. His final home was a care facility in downtown Menlo Park where he was certain to be medically well cared for; still, I was deeply worried that he’d suffer the pain of isolation.
I knew he needed his truest friends to help him through the final stage of his life, and instantly I understood I could go straight to his dear “BillyLee” for support. This was a blood-brother sort of friendship, and sure enough, Uncle Billy immediately rallied to Pop’s side. For the last two years of my father’s life, Uncle Billy was an absolute lifeline. He helped me identify and make arrangements with a Chinese couple who became daily support-givers to my father. Uncle Billy himself made regular trips into town to visit Pop, who could no longer recognize him, but I believe he cherished the feeling of having a friend nearby in these twilight days of his life.
And Uncle Billy became my friend too. He told me the things fathers don’t tell their daughters: about the neighborhood in Shanghai where my father was raised, about Pop’s role in the F.F. brotherhood. He was my confidant as I worried over Pop’s decline; was he being properly medicated? Did he have pain? Was he being treated well? Everything I worried about– Uncle Billy was there to find the answer.
Not a day goes by that I don’t think of my father. Losing him is the biggest heartbreak of my life. He left such a tremendous hole in my heart, and I only wish I’d had him a little– or a lot– longer.
But he left me a legacy that includes the friendship he shared with Uncle Billy and his F.F. brothers. I think he transitioned from this life with that brotherhood at his side. What I learned is that true friendship isn’t just for the years we are young and beautiful, with parties and picnicking at the lake, but for a lifetime, and even beyond. A friendship is a bond that doesn’t ever break.
ABOUT JOIE : Joie Chen believes storytelling is in her genes. “My father always said his father– my grandfather– was famous for his ‘letters home.’ Journalism, she says, gives her the opportunity to continue that tradition.
She’s been an award-winning television journalist for the better part of 30 years. Best known for her decade as an anchor and correspondent for CNN and CNN International, she won multiple awards for her work there, including an Emmy for breaking news coverage. She won a second Emmy as a Washington, D.C. based correspondent for CBS News. She later served as the anchor of Al Jazeera America’s prime time current events program, America Tonight.
Today Joie supports a new generation through journalism education. She has a leadership role at the Poynter Institute for Media Studies. Based in Washington, she works to develop new programs and partnerships for Poynter, upholding its mission to make good journalists better.
She’s a native of Chicago and currently lives with her family near D.C.