HELPFUL KNOWLEDGE FOR FRIENDSHIPOLOGY

discovered by Billy – November 2022

Some Social Rules That May Help You:

Loving and Amazing World  Posted by Dasha Tara –Updated Oct 18

1. Don’t call someone more than twice continuously. If they don’t pick up your call, presume they have something important to attend to;

2. Return money that you have borrowed even before the person that borrowed you remember or ask for it. It shows your integrity and character. The same goes for umbrellas, pens, and lunch boxes.

3. Never order the expensive dish on the menu when someone is giving you lunch/dinner.

4. Don’t ask awkward questions like ‘Oh so you aren’t married yet?’ Or ‘Don’t you have kids’ or ‘Why didn’t you buy a house?’ Or why don’t you buy a car? For God’s sake it isn’t your problem;

5. Always open the door for the person coming behind you. It doesn’t matter if it is a guy or a girl, senior or junior. You don’t grow small by treating someone well in public;

6. If you take a taxi with a friend and he/she pays now, try paying next time;

7. Respect different shades of opinions. Remember what’s 6 to you will appear 9 to someone facing you. Besides, a second opinion is good for an alternative;

8. Never interrupt people talking. Allow them to pour it out. As they say, hear them all and filter them all;

9. If you tease someone, and they don’t seem to enjoy it, stop it and never do it again. It encourages one to do more and it shows how appreciative you’re;

10. Say “thank you” when someone is helping you.

11. Praise publicly. Criticize privately;

12. There’s almost never a reason to comment on someone’s weight. Just say, “You look fantastic.” If they want to talk about losing weight, they will;

13. When someone shows you a photo on their phone, don’t swipe left or right. You never know what’s next;

14. If a colleague tells you they have a doctor’s appointment, don’t ask what it’s for, just say “I hope you’re okay”. Don’t put them in the uncomfortable position of having to tell you about their personal illness. If they want you to know, they’ll do so without your inquisitiveness;

15. Treat the cleaner with the same respect as the CEO. Nobody is impressed at how rude you can treat someone below you but people will notice if you treat them with respect;

16. If a person is speaking directly to you, staring at your phone is rude;

17. Never give advice until you’re asked;

18. When meeting someone after a long time, unless they want to talk about it, don’t ask them their age and salary;

19. Mind your business unless anything involves you directly – just stay out of it;

20. Remove your sunglasses if you are talking to anyone in the street. It is a sign of respect. Moreso, eye contact is as important as your speech; and

21. Never talk about your riches in the midst of the poor. Similarly, don’t talk about your children in the midst of the barren.

22. Always remember to show APPRECIATION

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CHALLENGING EACH OTHER IN FRIENDSHIP

Billy learns from the side.

No cheating. Win or lose enjoy the togetherness and the Tics & Tacs.

Billy has two SPECIAL FRIENDS, James and Stephen, who seem to enjoy challenging each other intellectually via emails. See their latest correspondence below.

James:

Hello Stephen,

We have no way to know whether the human brain has risen above nature.  Porpoises may be more intelligent…they just do not have opposable thumbs with which to build weapons.  There may be thousands of more intelligent species somewhere off Earth.  It may be that our brains are not above nature at all…rather they may be a cancer on nature. 

Function does not, in my view, require purpose…only output. 

I just enjoy the meanderings of my brain and the compatible meanderings of those whom I count as friends. That’s plenty enough for me.  

Your friend, James

Stephen:

James,

You have exposed me to many ideas and knowledge and brought me along on my personal quest.

Two minds crossing paths in 1990s and lately in 2020s are not coincidental only in my sentiment. It is happier to think that there is a purpose as well as an output, or so I imagine and prefer. 

Cheers to our friendship!

Stephen

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Billy’s Observation:

Ultimately it’s the FRIENDSHIP we all value.

FRIENDSHIP AT U.S.-China People’s Friendship Association      

By Billy Lee – Member of USCPFA-South Bay – October 2022 

Started with Joining & Connecting with Hope.

Hope for simply forming Mutual Good Feelings.

Affection grew with Goodwill and Good Efforts.

Trust developed from mini collaborations.

Working together proved much more Meaningful.

Bonding became evermore Enduring.

Real Friendship has its Magic.

Hope, Trust, and Dedication for the Long Term .

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Lived by Love. –  from  Rick Hanson, PhD    

news@rickson.netcopied by Billy October, 2020


Explicitly, this practice means coming from love in a broad sense – from compassion, good intentions, self-control, warmth, finding what to like, caring, connecting, and kindness.

Implicitly and more fundamentally, this practice means a relaxed opening into the love – in a very very broad sense – that is the actual nature of everything.

Be a Friend – Live by Love – Billy Learned

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SINCERE APOLOGIES to GAGE AND LEXI           from Yeh Yeh

By Billy Lee  October 4, 2022

Dear Gage and Lexi,

I owe you a BIG APOLOGY. I sincerely apologize for THE WAY I YELLED at you

last week when you placed your feet on the dining table. I did not need to get ANGRY.

I should not have yelled like a BULLY.  I was inconsiderate, unthoughtful, unwise, and

need to correct such improper quick eruptions. I better try to learn more from Nai Nai on

how to be a more LOVING Grand Parent.

I do care about you kids deeply and look forward to your coming to dinner again soon.

Love, Yeh Yeh

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Billy’s Reflection:

After I emailed this letter above, I felt really good – really happy that I was able to

Apologize Graciously.  I think I learned to do this from my Andover-Yale Classmate,

George Rider, who recently wrote a gracious letter to apologize to another old

Classmate after 70 years.  Apologies definitely release much stress, guilt, and

shame. Hopefully, it will patch up good feelings afterward.

I also wondered how we can best control our uncalled-for ERUPTIONS and UPSETS.

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TREES ARE OUR FRIENDS LIKE NO OTHER SPECIES                                                   

Two paragraphs Billy copied from Henry Shukman’s article,Tree of Wisdom”. 2022 Shukman, author of The Lost City, teaches at Mountain Cloud Zen Center in Santa Fe, New Mexico

Trees are our natural environment. They are our friends like no other species.

Warmth in winter, shade in summer, said the poet Alexander Pope, of trees’ gifts

to humanity. Where people are, trees are. Many cities are filled with trees. Some

even look like woodland from the air. For thousands of generations, trees have

provided people with windbreaks, shade, shelter, fire, and one of the primary

fabrics of our dwellings.

Trees are our closest neighbors. There are dogs, cats, cows, and other

domestic animals with whom some of us live, and there are our cousins like

the chimpanzee with whom we don’t usually live. On the other hand, pretty

much all people live with trees.

Just a photo of Trees – no word –                                                                                                                         ‘HELLO’ from Old Friend, Betty Wei Liu – Oct. 2022

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A PERFECT BOYFRIEND ?

After reading  “A Perfect Girlfriend “ by Flavian Mwasi, Billy wondered “What makes A Perfect Boyfriend ?

He learned from an article by Bella Smith ( a Human Behavior/ Psychology Enthusiast ) that  A Perfect Boyfriend must understand the following SECRETS.

Women are attracted to a man not totally by his accomplishments but by how he makes them FEEL. AS A PERSON.

Not all the time, we like to be dependent on you. Sometimes we like to support you financially as well as mentally.

We feel special when you remember small details about us.

We love it when you open up to us when you tell us about your fears, your worst problems, and your inner demon. It makes us feel that we are really important to you.

We are possessive by nature. We can get jealous when we see you talking with other girls.

We know how we look, still, we ask you because we love it when you appreciate our beauty.

We find intelligence without arrogance sexy. It’s extremely sexy when a man knows how to maintain his intelligence without riding a high horse in the process.

We want a man who is in control but not controlling. There’s a difference.

We don’t give up easily on a man who we love, but once we’re done, no matter what you do, we never come back.

We love it if you tell your parents and friends about us. It means a lot.

We know how we look, still, we ask you because we love it when you appreciate our beauty.

We love it when you caught us staring at you and ask “what..?”

We want to be with a Nice Guy who is confident and a leader; who holds boundaries, respects himself, and with massive sex appeal.

No woman wants to be with a weak man, but we love dominance at times.

Three magic words every woman wants to hear other than “I love you”:   ” I appreciate you”.

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INPUT FROM DORIS LAM:

A few Internet searches that resonate with me are shared below.

Men want love as badly as women do. They just might not always be as obvious about it. But generally, they want the same thing: friendshipcompanionshipchemistry.

Traits that women tend to value and need most from their romantic partners are integritysensitivity, and intimacy. Women need the men in their lives to be feminist allies who want to see them succeed.

男朋友 

由於自由戀愛的發展,男朋友在人們心中的概念也從單一的男生朋友發展到了做“丈夫”之前的對象的代名詞。現在大部分人對“男朋友”的理解都是“他是和你有戀愛關係的男生”可是把你的男生朋友說成是你的男朋友也不為過,因為現在人都開放了,男女之間也有友誼這種關係了。

交友解讀編輯

1、朋友具有彼此的獨立性。朋友之間最重要的是相互尊重,求同存異,雙方都有人格的獨立性,如果雙方密切到使對方感到受束縛,友情將難以維繫。

2、朋友不具有專一性。你的朋友有權同時選擇別的朋友,並且不一定以你的喜好作為選擇的標準。

The Chinese quotes pointed out that due to the gradual change from a male dominated culture, a female will desire more IDENTITY, and INDEPENDENCE.

I also found the following article a good attempt to explain UNCONDITIONAL RELATIONSHIP.

### 

Doris

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Melissa Luce indicated that the article Billy seeks has already been written by

Rachel Hosie– back in 2018 in the Independent and republished recently

in Yahoo News. https://news.yahoo.com/man-9-qualities-never-let-081808214.html

A Perfect Boyfriend should satisfy the following criteria:


1. He’s smart

While some of us are naturally brainier than others, a new study from the Hanken School of Economics in Finland suggests that the smarter the man, the less likely he is to be unfaithful. According to the research, more intelligent men are more likely to get married and stay married.

So if you’re worried your boyfriend might be too brainy for you, a) don’t be intimidated because intelligence isn’t everything, and b) know that you may have a guy who’s more likely to be faithful on your hands.

2. He makes you laugh

Finding someone you can have a laugh with is crucial – even if everyone else rolls their eyes at his dad jokes, if they crack you up, that’s all that matters.

And a study has shown that men are more likely to have “mating success” if they have a GSOH.

3. He actively supports your career

A study found that husbands were a deciding factor in two-thirds of women’s decisions to quit their jobs, often because they thought it was their duty to bring up their children.

Even when the women in the study described their husbands as supportive, they also revealed that the men refused to change their own work schedules or offer to help more with looking after children.

4. He makes as much effort with your friends and family as you do with his

It’s not uncommon for a woman to end up giving up her own social life to slot into her new man’s. But it’s rare that a man does the same once entering a relationship.

In fact, a recent study found that young men get more satisfaction out of their bromances than their romantic relationships with women. While this is clearly ludicrous, maintaining your friendships is important. So make sure you’re with a man who not only wants you to make time to see your friends but also makes an effort to get to know them too.

5. He’s emotionally intelligent

If stereotypes are to be believed, it is women who are always desperate to talk about feelings and never men who fall hard. Whilst this definitely isn’t true, it’s important each person in a relationship has a certain level of emotional intelligence.

Studies suggest that women are better at taking the opinions and views of their partner into consideration than men, which is essential for a healthy relationship.

6. He respects your opinions and listens to what you have to say

Being closed-minded isn’t a trait that’s exclusive to a particular gender, but if a man is convinced he’s always right and will never consider your argument, it’s not a good sign.

If a man rejects his female partner’s influence, it may be a sign that he has power issues, according to Dr John Gottman, author of The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work.

7. He’s willing to put the work in

study from the University of Texas found that the most successful relationships weren’t down to compatibility, but rather making the relationship work. “My research shows that there is no difference in the objective compatibility between those couples who are unhappy and those who are happy,” study author Dr. Ted Hudson said.

So if you or your partner is always looking for the next best thing rather than committing to make your relationship last, it may not bode well.

8. He celebrates your achievements

Whether it’s deadlifting your bodyweight or learning enough German for a trip to Oktoberfest, it’s important to have a partner who celebrates your achievements.

But this isn’t just to make you feel great – a study published in The Journal of Personality and Social Psychology found that couples who did so were more satisfied with their relationships than those who reacted negatively or were indifferent.

9. He shares your values

Having a similar outlook in life could be crucial to a successful relationship, according to a study. The more alike your personalities are, the more likely you are to approach problems in the same way.

You and your partner will share similar approaches to everything from socializing to working if your priorities are the same, and this is likely to lead to a greater level of respect for one another.

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A Friendship That Transcends Time and Politics

By: Xiaoyan Zhang, Ph.D.  August 2022

Suggested to Billy by Sophia Ho for Friendshipology.net


Our friend, Xiaoyan Zhang, Ph.D. (aka Dr. XYZ) shares with us this article about the Flying Tigers and his father’s lasting friendship with the 14th air force under command of General Chennault during WWII. This is a moving piece about a friendship that transcended time and politics. Xiaoyan is obviously very proud of his father’s accomplishment. We should be as well!

On August 13, 2022, the documentary film “Flying Tigers Made Lifelong Friends” won the Outstanding Documentary film award at the Vancouver Chinese Film Festival.


The documentary told the story of a Chinese journalist Zhang Yan’s (my father) over 60 years of friendship with a group of American soldiers who served in the 14th air force (AKA Flying Tigers) under command of General Chennault during WWII when the U.S. and China were allies in the war against Japanese invasion. My father called his American friends “brothers without borders”. Their friendship was so deep and close that it transcended 60 years of turbulent history and politics between the two countries. Given current geopolitical tensions and the declining relationship between the U.S. and China, it is more than ever more important that we remember and cherish the friendship between the two peoples that touches the hearts of both sides.

In 1944, as a college student studying at a war-time university called “Southwest Associated University”, my father met a group of American soldiers working for the American 14th air force stationed in Kunming, Yunnan province. Learning about each other’s culture, history, and personal life, sharing thoughts about the war, and protecting each other by sharing critical information on the Japanese bombing, they quickly became inseparable. 

When the war was over in 1945, these American friends went home. Then there was the civil war between the Nationalist and Communist parties, the founding of the People’s Republic of China, the Korean War, the Vietnam War, and the Cultural Revolution. These political upheavals and military fights made it impossible for my father and his American friends to communicate for more than 30 years.

In 1979 when the U.S. and China normalized diplomatic relations, my father, a bilingual journalist, was selected to be one of the two first correspondents stationed in Washington D.C. in exchange for two counterparts from the New York Times. My father was elated and planning to reconnect with his American brothers as soon as he settled in the U.S. However, when he walked into his room at the Chinese Embassy in Washington D.C., a pot of flowers was there waiting. It was from his American friends living in New York City. So moved, my father picked up the phone and called Hyman (one of the friends) immediately and told him that he will see them when he visits NYC. Jumping up and down at the other end, Hyman said “No, we will take an airbus to see you tomorrow. We have been waiting for 30 years and cannot wait any longer.”

In the following years, my father and his friends traveled back and forth between the two countries and shared many beautiful memories. In 1980, I came to the U.S. and landed at the JFK airport and there was my American uncle Hyman standing at the gate with open arms to welcome me to America. 

Both my father and most of his Flying Tiger friends have passed away. But their lifelong friendship has forever changed my life and my appreciation of the American people. People-to-people communication, appreciation, trust and respect, and collaboration can generate true friendship that transcends time and politics. 

Here is the link to the trailer of the documentary if the reader is interested: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wpK7_2RHsao&t=29s

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A PERFECT GIRLFRIEND

by Flavian Mwasi- Social Philosopher – Life Coach . Billy Wonders:  What Makes A PERFECT BOYFRIEND ?

She inspires you to reach your true potential and to achieve greater things without being too demanding about it. She won’t force you to pursue the things you should because she trusts you enough to know that you’ll take the right decisions.

She doesn’t play childish games or make attempts to get you jealous. She doesn’t have any insecurities about her relationship. She knows what she is worth and she doesn’t feel the need to keep proving it to you or to herself.

She doesn’t act like the whole world revolves around her. She wants love and respect from you and she is willing to offer you the same. She won’t expect you to suppress your own desires just to keep her happy all the time.

She doesn’t need you to be present in her life 24/7. She understands that you’re both two independent individuals who have a life outside of this relationship as well. You both give each other ample space and time to invest in your friends, family, and career.

You’ve never felt anxious about taking her to meet any of your friends or even your parents for that matter. You’re aware that she can carry herself well and interact with all kinds of people. She’s wise enough to know what topics to discuss with your parents and when she’s with your friends she can let loose and enjoy a good time.

She knows how to take care of herself. She never wanted a relationship just so she could depend on someone for all kinds of physical, financial, and emotional support. No, she was in this to enjoy your company as an equal, to split all the bills, and to make sure that one person in the relationship isn’t being overburdened.

Her social media presence is not something that she’ll never need to hide or be embarrassed about. She knows how to present herself in front of people, whether it’s in person, or on a computer screen.

She is never shy in the bedroom. If there’s something that she doesn’t or does want to do she’ll come right out and say it. She’ll even explain her reasons for it, instead of just getting awkward. She doesn’t act like your intimacy is something to be hidden, and never talked about. She’s mature enough to accept it as a completely normal and healthy part of your relationship, the part that actually keeps the spark alive between the two of you.

She has strong opinions on almost every topic, and she’ll never shy down from expressing them just to avoid arguments or to keep everyone happy. But this doesn’t mean that she’ll ever impose those opinions on you or anyone else. She is open to discussions, and any disagreement you have won’t turn into a raging battle.

If you have a fight or an argument, she will try to end it, by stating stereotypes like “all men are the same”, or “you men can’t ever understand us”. She realizes that every situation is different, and you need to discuss the cause behind your fight, rather than trying to put each other down with generalized statements.

She is sure about her purpose in life. She has defined goals and benchmarks for herself, and they won’t get affected by any obstacles that come her way.

You feel like the luckiest guy in the world when you’re with her, because one thing you’re sure of is that someone as amazing as her wouldn’t just date any guy. She is a strong independent woman and she isn’t afraid of being alone. So, she must really like you if she has chosen to share her life with you.

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You’re Not Listening

by Dorothie & Marty Hellman

DOROTHIE: My not feeling heard was at the root of many of the arguments that Marty and I used to have. And, as I look back, I suspect that much of his anger and frustration was also at not feeling heard, though he tended not to use those words.

MARTY: I was so out of touch with my feelings earlier in our relationship that I can’t imagine having said, “I don’t feel heard.” I would have put it in some more “logical” framework like, “You’re wrong!”

DOROTHIE: One day, after making a lot of progress, but still far from where we are today, we got into an argument over something so “important” that neither of us can remember what it was about. What both of us vividly remember, and what was really important, was the surprising way in which we moved past the previously insurmountable barrier of my not feeling heard.

MARTY: As the argument progressed, Dorothie told me what I’d heard a million times before: “You’re not listening!” So I told her what I’d also said a million times before: that she was wrong, and that I had heard every word she’d said.

We went through a few more iterations of her exclaiming, “You’re not listening!” followed by my loudly asserting, “Yes, I am! My ears are open. What do you want me to hear? Just say it.”

In the past, each such iteration would have made both of us more frustrated and angry. But we had made enough progress at this point that, while Dorothie was determined to be heard, she did not get mad at me. She dug her heels in but did not attack me.

DOROTHIE: Operating at that more mature level allowed Marty to do something that created a crack in the old dam of resentment. He asked me how I knew that he wasn’t listening. I told him that, if he were listening, he’d be behaving differently.

MARTY: At first, Dorothie’s reply didn’t seem to help, since I had no idea what I could do differently. Exasperated, I told her, “I’m doing everything I can humanly think of to hear you, but there must be something else I could do, since you’re still not feeling heard. What is it?”

I didn’t really expect an answer, but to my amazement, Dorothie replied, “You just did it.”My immediate reaction was confusion and disbelief. What had I done to make her feel heard?

DOROTHIE: Initially, my response surprised me every bit as much as it did Marty. I had thought I wanted him to hear whatever I’d been saying about the source of the argument—the thing both of us have since forgotten. But what I really wanted was for him to stop denying my reality. I didn’t need him to agree with me since I, too, can be wrong. But I needed him to be open to what I was saying and feeling. I needed him to have compassion for my point of view. I needed him to “get curious, not furious.”

MARTY: After a moment of disbelief that such a small shift could have cracked this seemingly uncrackable nut, I realized the genius of what Dorothie had just said. As long as I told her that she was wrong about not feeling heard, I might be hearing the words coming from her mouth, but I was not listening to the deeper message coming from her soul. I really was not listening.

DOROTHIE: What you just said highlights another important point in the resolution of this argument. I had said, “You’re not listening,” but what I really meant was, “I don’t feel heard.” In a way, you were right. You were listening to my words. But as you just pointed out, you were deaf to the deeper message coming from my soul. Thanks for translating for me

Dorothie Hellman :

Celebrate what presents itself.

Accept what you can’t celebrate.

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Billy’s Comments:

The above was taken from Dorothie and Martin Hellman’s book “ A New Map For Relationships.” Creating True Love & Peace On The Planet.   You can download a free PDF or buy a hard copy at Amazon.

I had the honor of meeting this amazing couple at their talk at USCPFA-S.Bay a few years ago. It was most inspiring to find two individuals from very different cultural backgrounds willing to share their very private dilemmas with the rest of us. I learned from them that arguments do not solve problems. Only deep listening and understanding of the other person‘s heart and feelings may help build Love & Peace on Earth.

 PRAISE FOR A NEW MAP FOR RELATIONSHIPS

 “… a truly unique book that tells an engaging and persuasive story relating domestic peace to world peace. This book should be read by married couples seeking peace at home, as well as by diplomats seeking peace in the world.” —William J. Perry, Secretary of Defense 1994–1997

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