I remember a saying from a while back: “Cousins are different beautiful flowers in the same garden”. I think the saying adequately describes Auntie Yi Hua and my mother May.

Auntie Yi Hua and my mother May are cousins from two branches in the big Lee/Li forest that has many trees. They are of the same age, although my mother is four months older, which gives her the privilege of claiming the “big sister” title. They are both the oldest siblings in their nuclear families. They both received an education from missionary schools in their youth: Auntie Yi Hua from St. John’s and my mother from St. Mary’s. They both went on to have successful professional careers. Auntie Yi Hua was a translator and interpreter for the influential and powerful Chinese news authority in Beijing while my mother was an architect for a major design firm, and later with one of the most prominent developers in Shanghai.

They both are kind, people-oriented and sociable. They travel in similar circles and share same groups of friends and acquaintances. Naturally in their retirements, they tend to get together a lot with their mutual friends. Some of those friends are also relatives, whether close or extended. In recent years, they can often be found at the same dining tables during Auntie Yi Hua’s frequent and lengthy visits to Shanghai. When not physically in Shanghai, Auntie Yi Hua would make regular phone calls from the U.S.A. to chat with and check up on my mother to make sure she is fine. My mother, on the other hand, would resort to her “pony express” method of communication by corresponding with Auntie Yi Hua with letter writing from Shanghai. Regardless of the method, they would make sure to let the other know that they are in each other’s thoughts.

They both care about their ancestral heritage and are committed to serve the Lee/Li family. Whenever there were extended family functions, they were actively involved front and center. So when the local authorities of their hometown Ning Bo were building a memorial hall and a family museum for the Lee/Li family, the Lee/Li commemorative monument and the Lee/Li Music Hall at Ning Bo University, they were there to contribute whichever way they could. Being a natural leader, Auntie Yi Hua was even more instrumental in overseeing several projects to their fruition. Almost 30 years ago, Auntie Yi Hua’s mother, “Grandma #5” as many youngsters would dearly and respectfully call her, at the ripe age of 87 started to be in charge of the updating and addition to the Lee/Li genealogy book. It was a monumental task!  The original genealogy book was written in 1936. By 1991, Grandma #5 felt that many decades had gone by and new generations had been born. It was time to re-edit the genealogy book and update the information to reflect the changes. As she embarked on this remarkable endeavor, Auntie Yi Hua, my mother along with other younger relatives, offered assistance to alleviate her work load. The newly completed genealogy book is now in the hands of many Lee/Li family members, and is considered the most important document of the extended family.

Grandma #5 was a lovely and cultured lady. She was gentle, even tempered, determined and wise. She was my mother’s favorite aunt-in-law. As a child, I used to visit Grandma #5 with my mother. I can still visualize her suite on the top floor of a typical Shanghai style house. There was a wooden door at the top of the stairs before the last few flights leading up to her suite. The decor of her room was simple but elegant. She had traditional Chinese furniture throughout her suite. The walls were decorated with calligraphy and paintings from her own hands. She always seemed to be so happy to see my mother. From her warm reception, I suspected that my mother was perhaps one of her favorite nieces. At the time, Auntie Yi Hua was working in Beijing.

Later on, Grandma #5 moved to a different apartment. By then Auntie Yi Hua and her family had gone to the U.S.A. My mother’s visits to Grandma #5 continued and became more frequent as Grandma #5 got on years. During my mother’s visits, the two ladies would talk about the TV programs Grandma #5 had just watched, especially Beijing Opera. Grandma #5 would show my mother her calligraphy and demonstrate her know-how in traditional Chinese arts. She would ask about the wellbeing of some relatives she had not seen for a long time. On one occasion, my mother and another cousin of hers, Auntie Ming Fen, visited Grandma #5 at the same time. The two ladies in their 70s were discussing the stock market. They made it sound quite convoluted. Suddenly, Grandma #5, who was in her 90s, asked them a simple question about what they were talking about. The two younger ladies were dumbfounded. They could not come up with an answer. I was chuckling inside: Grandma #5 still had her wits about her!  Sometimes, my mother would bring treats to Grandma #5 knowing they were what she loved to eat. Grandma #5 would announce to other guests that “all of the most tasty and yummy food were brought to me by May”. Those visits carried on as Grandma #5 lived her peaceful life till she reached 106 years of age.

When Auntie Yi Hua and her family were in Beijing, my father, too, was working in Beijing. On weekends, my father and another cousin of Auntie Yi Hua, Auntie Elaine, would sometimes go the Auntie Yi Hua’s house for Sunday dinners. I could only imagine the lively conversations and occasional heated debates that might have occurred during those meals. For Auntie Yi Hua being a translator and interpreter at the International News Department where she had direct contact with foreign reporters and correspondents, she was the most valuable source of information on current affairs in an era when there was hardly any real news available to the masses. Yet, politics permeated every corner and affected every facet of ordinary people’s lives. Auntie Yi Hua’s husband, Uncle Harry, a mining engineer by trade, was very precise and insightful in analyzing the political landscape of the day. My father, an urban planner working in a branch of the Science Academy, was leading an idle career in an age of non-existing urban development. With the same token, he was also very much interested in political and policy issues. I suspect that many exchanges around their dining table might be of this nature or about identical themes.

Auntie Yi Hua and Uncle Harry have two daughters, Da (Large) Beijing and Xiao (Small) Beijing. As far as my recollection could reach, before I even met Auntie Yi Hua I had heard about Da Beijing and Xiao Beijing. Whenever I did not want to study hard or behaved poorly, my father, Shao Liang, would tell me stories of what top notch students and all round children Da and Xiao Beijing were. They were good at all academic subjects as well as sports. Even though they were quite a few years younger than me, I developed a well deserved inferiority complex which lasted until one day when I knocked on their door during a summer break. Da Beijing answered the door. Her parents were not at home, she said. At that time, I had already graduated from university and was working as an editor. Da Beijing was still in high school, I believe. To a 22 year old, the teenage Da Beijing looked very young. Then out walked Xiao Beijing. She looked even younger. I think it was at that moment that I overcame my inferiority complex although they have remained little role models I could never measure up to. They were, nevertheless, cute and adorable.

A couple of days ago, in search of materials for writing this article, I asked my mother if there was something she could tell me about Auntie Yi Hua during her years in Beijing. Immediately, my mother recalled a visit to Auntie Yi Hua’s home during which she played cards with Da and Xiao Beijing. Uncle Harry sent Da Beijing out to buy noodles with clear instructions. They had very strict upbringing during their formative years. My mother, on the other hand, took a laissez faire approach towards me. If I must name one big difference between Auntie Yi Hua and my mother, this has to be it.

When my grandparents were still alive, and before the Cultural Revolution, our two families had members visiting one another frequently, spending many hours together. The friendship between Auntie Yi Hua and my mother, however, has been cultivated in baby steps and over time. Like a well aged wine, it has been growing stronger as time goes on. It has culminated in the later part of their lives. They are cousins by blood but friends by choice. It is a beautiful friendship between two cousins with beautiful spirit!  

 By May’s daughter, Joy August 12, 2020

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S.Y. Wang is another one of my Li/Lee Family relatives. His mother was a Li/Lee married into this Wang family.  S.Y. is seven years my senior. thus a Big Brother and Mentor to me.  More than that , I truly consider him a Valued Friend.  When I was Young ( in my 30s) he provided me Encouragement, Sound Advice, and warm sense of Caring. Today ( I am now 88 and he 95 ), he still provides me, Feeling of Connectedness, Instant Responses to all my requests, and the Same Sense of Caring.

To me, the most remarkable traits in his character are his Intelligence, Compassion, and Trust Worthiness. “ A Man who generally prefers just few well-chosen words with thoughtful followup actions” is how I would describe him.  A recent example is when I wrote to him and asked if he will be willing to share his thoughts on my Friendship & Friendshipolgy website https://MingSingLee.com. He instantly replied that it’s difficult for him to write essays these days but I may use the attached Chinese Calligraphy a professor friend wrote for him, to guide and inspire the younger generations.

The Chinese Calligraphy S.Y. sent me :

这句话出自《关尹子•三极》：“利害心愈 明，则亲不睦；贤愚心愈明，则友不交；是非心愈明，则事不成；好丑心愈明，则物不契。是以圣人浑之。”

Translated into English :

If one is overly concerned about personal benefits vs. losses, one will not be able to relate harmoniously with one’s family.

If one over emphasizes kindness and smartness, one will find it difficult to make friends.

If one worries too much about being Correct and Perfect, the less one will be able to achieve.

If one cares too much about Looking Good, the harder it is to be in true harmony with things.

Because of this the sages advised Nothing Extreme. ( Confucius’ Middle Way philosophy )

RESUME BELOW :

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“Rich is a Silicon Valley based author, IT infrastructure architect, software developer and home gardener who escaped the east coast and is married to Billy’s niece, Yu Meng.  Rich and Yu have three awesome mixed ancestry daughters.”

Dear Uncle Billy,

            After many years of our conversations about how to build lasting connections of friendship among people of different cultures and views, I am happy to contribute some of my own thoughts in writing.  I agree with Tsing that the definition of friendship you seek is important.  In my view, friendship can overcome many differences and challenges but true friendship can only sit atop a foundation of strong mutual trust and mutual respect for each other’s core values and aspirations.

            Shared values are an essential requirement for true friendship.  Individuals or entities holding values and aspirations that are a direct threat to your own fundamental principals, life and goals can never be a true friend.  In our own conversations, the Confucian idea of a middle way – a ‘Switzerland’ approach to conflict is often suggested.  Former British Prime Minister Neville Chamberlain, who favored a “middle way” in appeasing the Third Reich, taught one of the great lessons of the 20th century.   Chamberlain’s naiveté resulted in the bombing of his country and his removal from office so Winston Churchill could face the reality of irreconcilable differences with pure evil.  There is no middle way available when values and aspirations are in total conflict.

            So what can be done?  To overcome these challenges and forge friendship, it must start with two parties willing to be vulnerable to each other by directly surfacing and talking through real differences in values and visions for the future and how they might be reconciled if possible.  At one point the global adoption of the Internet offered the best hope for allowing these essential frank conversations among people.   Unfortunately, totalitarian regimes from Iran to the People’s Republic of China started building walls and tools of repression to prevent the open communication from happening.  Sadly, we now see President Trump attempting to copy and push some of the same harmful policies here in the United States in attempting to “ban” Tik-Tok and WeChat. 

The first obvious step to improve opportunities to talk is a greatly increased supply of freely available Virtual Private Networks and Proxies that will allow people to circumvent their governments’ barriers.  Some governments like the PRC may view these conversations as “criminal behavior”.  Throughout history from Jesus to John Lewis or MLK and beyond – sometimes the best place for a person to be “good” is in jail…

Hope this fits for the content you want,

Rich

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Billy’s Comments : Rich is a very dear nephew-in-law. We are always honest and forthright with each other. I think we share most core values, but I personally do not like to absolutely define others when we do not totally understand their hardships.

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I pass through my garage everyday because I use the back door to enter my house. Every time I pass through my two-car garage, I think of my two very unforgettable U.S. Army roommates, Del Shouse and Roland Jary. We lived in a garage that was converted into an “apartment”, in Wahiawa, HI, near Schofield Barracks, Hawaii, where we were stationed in 1961. The apartment had a small kitchen, one bath, three beds and one telephone. By good fortune, we selected each other as roommates. Little did I know that this friendship would span decades, across wide geographies, and extend to the next generation of the Shouse and Jary families.

Del and Roland are the best of America, in the military or the private sector: top- notch professionals, men of sterling character, devoted family men, and who raised wonderful children. I have been blessed by winning the lottery of life by having these two life-long friends.

We were U.S. Army First Lieutenants in the 25th Infantry “Tropical Lighting” Division, on our first assignment as platoon leaders, each responsible for about 36 men. Del was a cavalry scout officer, Roland was a combat engineer, and I was a weapons platoon leader. We were all airborne paratroopers and Distinguished Military Graduates of our respective R.O.T.C. programs. Del and Roland were also Rangers. We all loved our jobs and we loved our troops. In my experience, the U.S. military is the closest institution we have for a true meritocracy and the exemplary example of an equal opportunity organization.

Del, as the “first among equals”, assigned us household chores to clean up, Roland was the handyman (plumber, electrician), and I was responsible for managing the relationship with the owner and paying the shared bills. All our tasks were undertaken instinctively, voluntarily and verbally. What an admirable model for a business or non-profit partnership today!

This bliss was a short-lived 18 months. I received orders to report to Tokyo as the Comptroller & Chief of the U.S. Army Element of the U.S. Armed Forces Radio & TV Network, (“Far East Network” or “FEN”). FEN broadcasted news, sports and entertainment all over Japan and was also popular among the Japanese public. FEN was a tri-service organization: the Commanding Officer was an Air Force Lt. Colonel, the Executive Officer was a Navy Lt. Commander, and the Army representative was a Captain (I was a First Lieutenant at that time), but they wanted to fill the slot with an MBA because the Army provided the financial man. This was an assignment from heaven.

Shortly after I left Hawaii, Del received orders to receive advanced military training and Roland received orders to Vietnam. We saw each other again 17 years later, when I stayed at Del & Genell’s home in Virginia and Roland’s home in Fort Worth. By then, Roland resigned his commission and returned to civilian life and I met his young children.

Del continued his military career and served two tours in Vietnam. In Vietnam, Del led a team to rescue a rifle company (about 160 men), who suffered severe casualties and was trapped by the enemy. Del was awarded the Silver Star Medal, the third highest award for personal valor in combat. We knew that Del was destined for great military greatness. But he was also a great humanitarian.

Roland was a filial son. He cared for his mom, who had Alzheimer’s and he carried her to the bathroom several times a day and raised two wonderful young children as a single dad. A mutual friend from our church, who was Roland’s high school classmate, affirmed Roland’s strong devotion to his family.

Fast forward to August 2019. I received an invitation from Del’s wife, Genell, to attend the burial service of Colonel Del Shouse, at Arlington National Cemetery. Roland passed away four years earlier, so I asked Genell if Roland’s daughter, Janiece, and her daughter, Gracie and son, Matt, now adults, could attend to represent Roland. Janiece came from Los Angeles with her daughter and Matt, a former U.S. Army Signal officer, came from Austin to honor Del. Janiece and Matt remembered me from childhood. How awesome is that!

Del was buried with full military honors. Over 50 soldiers: color guard, riflemen to render the 21- gun salute, band, and horse-drawn hearse to honor one man. About another 50 family and friends came to honor Del. I met Del’s former commanding officer, Major General (Retired) Steve Nichols and a West Point graduate, who told me that Del, was the “best officer he has ever known”. I am gratified that Del retired after 30 years of service to live another 31 years in peace, before succumbing to the cancer he contracted in Vietnam through Agent Orange.

Del lives on through his son, Jody Shouse, the eldest son of Del and Genell. He is a U.S. Army Lt. Colonel and the military aide to Secretary of Defense Mark Esper. As a combat veteran, he was selected to serve in the elite Old Guard, where he presided over 400 funerals at Arlington National Cemetery. Jody said that his hardest job was to present the flag to his mom. Jody is now attending the National War College, is on the promotion list to full Colonel and will be the Commander of the Brigade Combat Team (Airborne) in Alaska. Jody’s career trajectory suggests that he is on track to be a general. Jody is an ultra marathoner and routinely runs 50-100 miles at a crack.

Character is Destiny: Del and Roland, you have demonstrated, by your actions and example, how we should live.  I have been privileged to be your friend and battle buddy.

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Bob Chen is an investment banker and the founder of Raffles Capital Group Inc, a cross-border corporate financial advisory firm.  He was a Captain in the US Army, served as an infantry platoon leader and Comptroller & Chief of the US Army Element of the US Armed Forces Radio & TV Network. Bob is a member of the investment committee of JICUF Endowment Inc.

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