A legal scholar named Laura Rosenbury, who recently became president of Barnard College, authored a fascinating article on the law and friendship. I was drawn to share this article with Friendshipology readers both because of its merits and because in college Laura Rosenbury and my sister Serena were friends!

Rosenbury’s article was published in the Michigan Law Review in 2007. What follows is drawn from the article, which bears the eye-catching title, “Friends with Benefits?” Any reader who would like to access the entire article may find it here: https://michiganlawreview.org/journal/friends-with-benefits/

The article’s focus is family law, which is the field of law that addresses who may constitute families recognized by the state, as well as the privileges and responsibilities of those family members.

Rosenbury notes that family law has long ignored friendship. As she writes, family law recognizes marriage, but is silent with respect to friendship, dividing marriage from “mere” friendship. This silence suggests that friendship is thought to differ significantly from marriage or marriage-like relationships; friendship is presumed to be properly outside the consideration of family law. Yet, argues Rosenbury, such a difference may not conform to actual lived experience. Note as well, that our lived reality is shaped by the fact of legal recognition informing us which relationships are important and which are secondary, such as marriage (important) versus friendship (secondary) – although, of course, some choose to live in defiance of state-sponsored norms. Even with the lack of legal validation of friendship, for many people, their friends constitute their chosen family.

As Rosenbury points out, family law’s focus on marriage to the exclusion of other relationships can lead people to prioritize that one relationship – a comprehensive domestic relationship which is favored in all kinds of legal arrangements – over others. If individuals want the state to recognize a relationship with other adults, they typically need to either get married or enter into a relationship which seems to mirror marriage, such as a domestic partnership.

Rosenbury argues that the divide between marriage and friendship is not gender neutral (and, until the recognition of same-sex marriage, would also be described as not neutral as to sexuality). If we think back in time, it is clear that legal recognition of marriage provided governmental support to the kind of domestic caregiving that was necessary to patriarchy which made the man the head of the household. And we know that domestic caregiving still follows gendered patterns today. Unlike in marriage, friendship does not consistently demand the same amount of unevenly gendered care work. As Rosenbury observes, friendships are not presumed to be exclusive or comprehensive. Friendships are also presumed to embrace norms of equality and autonomy over norms of domestic dependency. Friendships, in fact, may constitute a much more appealing form of human relationship than marriage.

Rosenbury would like to see the law recognize friendships. Such legal recognition would potentially lead to the structuring of life free from state-supported gender role expectations. We could imagine the law recognizing multiple forms of personal relationships between adults, providing governmental support for different sources of care. Why not accord friendship the same legal standing as marriage?

The idea of legally recognizing friendship has gained a bit of traction in another country – Canada. As my UC Berkeley colleague – and friend! – Sarah Song shares in her important book Immigration and Democracy (2018), available here:

https://global.oup.com/academic/product/immigration-and-democracy- 9780190909222?cc=us&lang=en& a Canadian commission recognized friendship as deserving the same legal status as familial relationships, in the context of immigration sponsorship.

As Song writes, In the report of the 1997 Canadian Immigration Legislative Review Advisory Group’s report, “Not Just Numbers: A Canadian Framework for Future Immigration,” appears the recommendation that Canada open its immigration system to recognize relationships among friends. In addition to citizens being able to sponsor their spouses, dependent children, fiancé(e)s, parents, and grandparents, the citizen sponsor would be allowed “to decide who is most important to them, and who is part of what they consider family in the broadest sense. It could even include a best friend.” A 2001 Canadian Law Commission report, titled “Beyond Conjugality,” endorsed this recommendation to establish “a system that allowed for self-selection beyond ties of blood and marriage” and “would significantly advance the value of choice or autonomy, at the same time as it would respect the diversity and equality of close personal relationships.” Sadly, the Canadian government has yet to adopt this recommendation.

However, as Song notes, Canada did permit two best friends to become co-parents in 2017. Natasha Bakht and Lynda Collins, who are best friends but not lovers or “conjugal” partners, were legally recognized as co-parents to Bakht’s biological son, Elaan. Collins had become a caregiver to Elaan and was Bakht’s closest confidant. See “How Two Friends Fought to Be Legal ‘Co-Mommas’ to a 7-Year-Old Boy—and Won,” CBC Radio, “The Current,” July 17, 2017, http://www.cbc.ca/radio/thecurrent/the-current-for-february-21-2017-1.3991287/how-two-friends-fought-to-be-legal-co-mommas-to-a-7-year-old-boy-and-won-1.3991307.

In short, the law has largely failed to recognize friendship. It is arguably time for this to change, given the importance of friendship, attested to by one and all in Friendshipology.

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Leti Volpp is the Robert D. and Leslie Kay Raven Professor of Law in Access to Justice at Berkeley Law, and also serves as Director of the campus-wide Center for Race and Gender at the University of California, Berkeley. She is grateful to be the niece of Lucille and Billy Lee and for the friendship they have supported among the many members of their extended family.

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<https://www.andover.edu/news/2023/not-for-self-for-others>

It’s been 72 years since Norm Allenby, Bob Doran, George Rider, and Billy Ming-Sing Lee were together on the Andover campus. The four boys enjoyed their high school years immensely, developed strong relationships, and came to appreciate the school’s values of non sibi, knowledge and goodness, and youth from every quarter.

Despite time and distance, the men have continued to carry forth Andover’s values, and none more so than Ming-Sing Lee, whose Friendshipology blog has grown from a fun hobby into a passion project that he hopes to share with the Andover community and beyond.

On a recent Zoom call, the men reminisced about high school. “We studied hard, and we played hard,” Allenby says. Their fondness for Andover and for one another was apparent, as was their friendship, which has grown considerably over the years.

“We all recognize that our time at Andover was formative,” says Allenby. “And we have deepened our Andover friendships as adults.”

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“What does friendship mean? How can we be better friends?

Why is friendship important? These questions so fascinated

Ming-Sing Lee that he decided to create a blog in 2019.”

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Friendshipology is a bilingual (English and Chinese) blog highlighting thought-provoking, timely, and topical issues written by Ming-Sing Lee and guest authors. It shares a philosophy of life that endorses kindness, empathy, and—of course—friendship.

“I believe every one of us has a good heart,” says Lee, a retired architect who lives in California. “I started this blog focusing on friendship because it seemed to me that the world was falling apart in some ways. There were too many misunderstandings and confrontations.”

Billy Ming-Sing Lee ’51 wears a “Be Nice Me” sweatshirt. The saying has become something of a slogan for the group ever since classmate Norm Allenby’s young son had a playdate with a friend who used the phrase before coming into the house. “I think that’s it, that’s what we all really want, need, or should try to follow as Our Golden Rule,” Ming-Sing Lee says.

Friendshipology—and the conversations it has sparked—turned out to be the antidote to this negativity.

“Billy provides words of wisdom, words to live by,” says Doran. “And this is totally consistent with my feelings for Andover.”

By sharing knowledge and goodness, Friendshipology inspires others to pay it forward by showing more empathy, compassion, and love to friends and family, even to strangers.

“My father used to say, ‘Friendship is the finest ship that sails,’” Rider quips. “My four years at Andover were the defining years of my life. Sharing the educational experience and the trials and tribulations of maturing with classmates has left an indelible imprint on me.”

The Friendshipology project is a manifestation of what Billy Ming-Sing Lee ’51 and other alumni have learned at Andover and how they choose to live in the world.

Do you have a story about friendship that has endured and strengthened over the years? Please share it! Email magazine@andover.edu.

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Rippling Chit-Chat Began The Following Week – Letter from Mme. Sarah Randt – wife of US Ambassador to China, Clark T. Randt Jr. – to Billy:

Dear Billy,

WE KNOW BOB DORAN!  We have dined several times with Happy and Bob in Naples.

Bob tells good stories and is very sincere.  

Not sure if you know, also, that our son, Paull Randt,

Went to Andover and very much appreciated his education there. 

He was captain of the swim team and 

put on a Chinese art exhibition. After taking all the Chinese

classes offered, Paull studied Russian in his senior year and continued 

his Russian language studies at Yale. 

 Paull left Citibank and is now at the U.S. Treasury and loves it.

Keep up your Friendshipology work!  Fondly Sarah

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Billy Cheerfully Reported to Bob Doran The Next Day :

Hi Bob,

Just learned that the Randts know you  and Happy, and think highly of you. Cheers ! 

See Sarah’s note below. Sarah was the Honorary Co-Chair of The 1990 Institute’s

“Heart to Heart Bridging between US and China’s Children via Art and Environment”,

which Billy Ming Sing coordinated.

Regards to Happy, Love,

Billy

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BILLY: Please provide at least 8 different examples on why the same item does not work in different places or situations, like cash, jokes, ideals, independent core values etc…

ChatGPT:

Certainly, here are eight examples of why the same item or concept may not work effectively in different places or situations:

1. Currency (Cash): The same amount of cash may not work in different countries due to differences in currency values. For example, $100 might buy you a lot in a developing country but very little in an expensive city like New York.
2. Jokes: Humor is highly context-dependent. A joke that’s hilarious among close friends might fall flat in a formal business meeting due to differences in tone and appropriateness.
3. Ideals: Ideals like democracy or freedom can be interpreted and applied differently in various cultures. What works as a model of democracy in one country might not function as effectively in another due to differences in political, cultural, and historical contexts.
4. Independent Core Values: Personal values, like independence, may clash with the values of a group or organization. An individual’s strong desire for independence may lead to conflict in a highly collaborative work environment.
5. Language: The same phrase or word can have entirely different meanings or connotations in different regions or communities. For instance, slang or idiomatic expressions may not translate well across languages.
6. Technology: A piece of technology that works well in one climate might not function optimally in another. Electronics designed for temperate climates may struggle in extremely hot or cold environments.
7. Educational Strategies: Teaching methods that are effective for one group of students may not work for another with different learning styles or abilities. What works for high-achieving students might not be suitable for those with learning disabilities.
8. Cultural Norms: Social norms and behaviors that are acceptable in one culture might be considered rude or offensive in another. For instance, the way people greet each other can vary widely, and what’s considered polite eye contact differs from one culture to another.

These examples illustrate how the same item or concept can encounter challenges or limitations when applied in different places or situations due to variations in context, culture, values, and expectations.

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BILLY: Please enlighten us more about the challenges and limitations you mentioned above, and advise how best to manage such situations.

ChatGPT replied :

Certainly, let’s delve deeper into the challenges and limitations presented by the scenarios mentioned earlier and discuss strategies for managing them effectively:

1. Currency (Cash):

1. Challenge: Currency exchange rates can fluctuate, impacting the value of cash in different places. Additionally, not all places accept foreign currencies.
2. Management: Before traveling or conducting international transactions, research and stay updated on exchange rates. Use local currency whenever possible, and consider carrying a small amount of cash in both your home currency and the local currency.

2. Jokes:

2. Challenge: Humor is subjective, and what’s funny to one person might not be to another. Inappropriate jokes can also offend or harm relationships.
3. Management: In diverse settings, opt for inclusive and light-hearted humor, avoiding sensitive or controversial topics. Pay attention to the cultural and social context, and be prepared to adapt or apologize if a joke falls flat or causes discomfort.

3. Ideals:

3. Challenge: Different societies have varying interpretations of ideals like democracy, freedom, and justice. Implementing these ideals can be complex and context-dependent.
4. Management: Engage in open dialogue to understand the perspectives and expectations of the local context. Collaborate with local stakeholders to adapt the ideal to the specific situation while respecting cultural nuances.

4. Independent Core Values:

4. Challenge: Individual core values can clash with group or organizational values, leading to conflicts or dissonance.
5. Management: Communicate your values transparently but be willing to compromise when necessary, especially in team settings. Seek common ground and align personal values with the overarching goals of the group or organization.

5. Language:

5. Challenge: Words and phrases can have unintended meanings or may not convey the intended message in different languages.
6. Management: When communicating across languages, use simple and clear language. Seek assistance from local interpreters or translators when needed to avoid misunderstandings.

6. Technology:

6. Challenge: Technology designed for specific environments may not perform well in extreme conditions.
7. Management: Choose technology appropriate for the intended environment. Use protective measures like climate-controlled storage or ruggedized equipment where necessary to extend the lifespan and functionality of technology.

7. Educational Strategies:

7. Challenge: Students have diverse learning needs and abilities, and a one-size-fits-all teaching approach may not be effective.
8. Management: Implement flexible teaching strategies that cater to diverse learning styles. Provide additional resources and support for students with varying needs, such as tutoring or accommodations.

8. Cultural Norms:

8. Challenge: Violating cultural norms can lead to misunderstandings or offense.
9. Management: Research and respect local cultural norms. When in doubt, observe and ask questions to understand acceptable behaviors. Adapt your actions and communication accordingly.

In all these scenarios, effective management involves adaptability, cultural sensitivity, and a willingness to learn from and engage with local perspectives. Cross-cultural communication and collaboration skills are crucial for navigating these challenges successfully. When in doubt, seek advice or guidance from local experts or colleagues who are familiar with the specific context to help ensure smooth interactions and outcomes.

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BILLY: To patch up injured sensitivity and pride please suggest intelligent ways to redeem good feelings.

ChatGPT REPLIED:

Recovering from injured sensitivity and pride can be a challenging but essential process for personal growth and well-being. Here are some intelligent ways to help you heal and regain your emotional balance:

1. Self-Reflection: Start by taking some time to reflect on the situation that hurt your sensitivity and pride. What triggered these feelings? Were your expectations reasonable? Self-awareness is the first step in understanding and addressing your emotions.
2. Accept Your Feelings: It’s okay to feel hurt or sensitive in response to certain situations. Don’t judge yourself for having these emotions; instead, acknowledge them and accept that they are a part of your human experience.
3. Seek Perspective: Talk to trusted friends, family members, or a therapist about your feelings. They can offer valuable insights and different perspectives on the situation, which can help you see it from different angles.
4. Practice Self-Compassion: Treat yourself with the same kindness and understanding that you would offer to a friend in a similar situation. Self-compassion involves recognizing that everyone makes mistakes and has moments of vulnerability.
5. Set Realistic Expectations: Reevaluate your expectations and consider whether they were realistic. Adjusting your expectations can help prevent future disappointments and hurt feelings.
6. Learn from the Experience: Every challenging situation is an opportunity for personal growth and learning. Consider what you can learn from this experience about yourself, your boundaries, and your needs.
7. Forgive and Let Go: Holding onto grudges or resentment can prolong your suffering. Forgiving doesn’t mean condoning someone’s actions; it means releasing the emotional grip the situation has on you.
8. Develop Resilience: Strengthen your emotional resilience by practicing mindfulness, meditation, or relaxation techniques. These can help you manage your emotions better and bounce back from setbacks.
9. Build Self-Confidence: Rebuild your pride and self-esteem by focusing on your strengths and achievements. Set small, achievable goals to regain your confidence.
10. Engage in Self-Care: Take care of your physical and emotional needs. Ensure you’re getting enough rest, eating well, and engaging in activities that bring you joy and relaxation.
11. Learn Effective Communication: Enhance your ability to express your feelings and needs in a healthy way. Learning effective communication skills can help you navigate future conflicts more constructively.
12. Boundaries: Establish clear boundaries to protect your sensitivity and pride. Communicate these boundaries to others assertively but respectfully.
13. Practice Gratitude: Cultivate a sense of gratitude for the positive aspects of your life. Focusing on the things you’re grateful for can shift your perspective and boost your overall well-being.
14. Time and Patience: Healing takes time, and it’s essential to be patient with yourself. Understand that recovery is a process, and it’s okay to have setbacks along the way.
15. Professional Help: If you find it challenging to recover on your own or if your feelings are severely impacting your life, consider seeking help from a therapist or counselor. They can provide guidance and support tailored to your specific situation.

Remember that healing is a journey, and it’s normal to have ups and downs. Be gentle with yourself and take the time you need to recover fully.

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Billy :   How about patching up the other person’s sensitivity ?

ChatGPT REPLIED:

To repair or mend someone else’s sensitivity after you may have inadvertently hurt their feelings or pride. Here are some intelligent and empathetic ways to do that:

1. Acknowledge Your Actions: Start by acknowledging what you said or did that hurt the other person’s sensitivity. Take responsibility for your actions or words.
2. Apologize Sincerely: Offer a heartfelt apology. Express genuine remorse for causing them pain or distress. Avoid making excuses or justifying your actions. Say something like, “I’m truly sorry for how my words/actions affected you.”
3. Listen Actively: Give the person your full attention and let them express their feelings. Be a good listener and refrain from interrupting or becoming defensive. Show empathy and understanding by saying things like, “I want to understand how you’re feeling.”
4. Empathize: Try to put yourself in their shoes to understand their perspective. Empathize with their emotions, even if you don’t agree with their viewpoint.
5. Ask How You Can Make Amends: Ask the person how you can make things right or what you can do to help them feel better. This shows that you genuinely care about their feelings and are committed to repairing the relationship.
6. Give Them Space: Sometimes, people need time and space to process their emotions. Respect their need for space if they request it.
7. Avoid Repeating the Mistake: Demonstrate that you’re committed to not repeating the behavior that hurt them. This might involve changing your actions or words in the future.
8. Educate Yourself: If your actions were due to a lack of understanding or awareness, take the initiative to educate yourself about the subject matter or sensitivity involved. This shows a willingness to grow and learn.
9. Be Patient: Healing takes time, and the person may not immediately bounce back to their normal self. Be patient and give them the time they need to recover.
10. Maintain Open Communication: Keep the lines of communication open. Check in with the person periodically to see how they’re doing and whether there’s anything else you can do to help.
11. Seek Mediation (If Necessary): If the situation is particularly complex or if there’s ongoing tension, consider involving a mediator or counselor to facilitate a constructive conversation.
12. Offer Support: Show your support by being there for the person in other ways. Offer to help with tasks or simply be available to spend time together if they’re open to it.
13. Learn and Grow: Use the experience as an opportunity for personal growth and to improve your communication and empathy skills. Demonstrating personal growth can be reassuring to the other person.

Remember that mending someone else’s sensitivity takes time and effort, and it may not always lead to a complete resolution. The key is to approach the situation with empathy, sincerity, and a commitment to making amends.

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ChatGPT :
Turning demeaning insults into acceptable humorous situations often involves using wit, cleverness, and a good sense of humor. Here are some examples of intelligent ways to do this:

1. Self-Deprecation: When someone insults you, agree with them in an exaggerated, humorous way that shows you don’t take yourself too seriously.

1. Insult: “You’re so slow!”
2. Response: “Yeah, I’m the world’s slowest ninja. They call me ‘Sloth-fu.'”

2. Sarcasm: Respond to insults with exaggerated sarcasm to highlight the absurdity of the comment.

2. Insult: “You’re such a genius, aren’t you?”
3. Response: “Oh, absolutely! I’m practically a candidate for the Nobel Prize in Awesomeness.”

3. Misinterpretation: Pretend to misunderstand the insult and twist it into something harmless.

3. Insult: “You’re a complete mess!”
4. Response: “Thank you! I’ve always aspired to be a masterpiece of chaos.”

4. Deflection with a Compliment: Respond to insults with a compliment to disarm the insulter and create a positive atmosphere.

4. Insult: “You’re so weird.”
5. Response: “Thank you! I take ‘weird’ as a compliment; it means I’m one-of-a-kind.”

5. Playful Agreement: Play along with the insult while adding a humorous spin.

5. Insult: “You’re a walking disaster.”
6. Response: “Indeed! I’m like a tornado of clumsiness leaving a trail of laughter behind.”

6. Humorous Comparison: Compare yourself to something funny or absurd to downplay the insult.

6. Insult: “You’re hopeless.”
7. Response: “Hopeless? Nah, I’m like a broken GPS in a corn maze – entertainingly lost.”

7. Create an Alter Ego: Respond with humor by creating an imaginary character that embodies the insult.

7. Insult: “You’re such a nerd.”
8. Response: “True, I have a secret life as Captain Calculus, defender of the Math Realm!”

8. Redefine the Insult: Take control of the insult by redefining it in a humorous way.

8. Insult: “You’re a know-it-all.”
9. Response: “I prefer ‘Fountain of Fun Facts’ – it has a nice ring to it, don’t you think?”

9. Absurd Acknowledgment: Acknowledge the insult in a way that exaggerates it to the point of absurdity.

9. Insult: “You’re so lazy.”
10. Response: “I’m so lazy, I once tried to remote control my TV with a stick from the couch.”

10. Wordplay: Use wordplay and puns to reframe the insult in a humorous light.
11. Insult: “You’re a real pain.”
12. Response: “I prefer to think of myself as an ‘occasional discomfort enthusiast.'”

Remember, the key to using humor to deflect insults is to keep it light-hearted and not escalate the situation further. Your goal is to disarm the insulter and bring positivity into the interaction.

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BILLY ADDED HIS PERSONNAL EXPERIENCE:

One September evening (Year1980), while walking home along West 79^th Street, from Broadway to Central Park West in New York City, I was just reflecting what was going on in our world, shockingly a black youth abruptly came behind me and kicked me in the rear- yelling “Go Home Chinaman !”. I looked at him for a second and yelled back, “Hey, that’s a pretty powerful kick. You must be a great soccer player. You play Soccer ? I like to play with you. Can I ?” He did not know how to respond to me; waved his arm and left.

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