Lion’s Roar. com

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By Billy Lee August, 2022

知心     知音

Know one’s Heart,  one’s Music

有信     有情

Have Trust,  then Affection

真友     真亲

True Friendship, Special Intimacy

越近     越引

Closer,  Gets Still Closer

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Read the wonderful story that inspired “BE NICE ME” and then get a T-shirt, mug or tote bag to spread the word about Friendshipology. Let’s go shopping. <https://www.bonfire.com/store/friendshipology/>

My dear nephew-in-law, Michael Sterling , surprised me with a gift last week . He had a shirt made at BONFIRE after he read my article about BE NICE ME posted on https://friendshipology.net . I proudly wore it and shared a photo of myself in that shirt with many friends – especially my Andover prep school classmates since Norman Allenby ( PA ’51 ) was the one who told me that years ago a five year old friend of his son, uttered these three words upon arrival for a play-date.

Mike came for dinner yesterday, and we continued our conversation about FRIENDSHIPOLOGY. He emphasized that Friendship can not exist without Trust 信. I agree with him heartily, since my parents named me 李名信 Lee Ming Sing  (Lee is our Family name; middle name Ming means To Remember; third word Sing or Xing means Trust.)  It has been etched in my mind that I must always be trustworthy.

Indeed, I have constantly been reminded that my Great-Great Grandfather李也亭 Li Ye Ting is considered a historical figure in Shanghai and XiaoGang, Ningbo, my ancestral home. He was known for his business acumen but most importantly for his Accountability, Reliability, Good Intentions, and Total Trustworthiness.

However, Be Nice and Be Trustworthy are reasonably straight forward.  To Induce Deep Friendship sometimes requires Empathy and Forgiveness.

I remember a situation a few years ago.  A few friends and I made an agreement with another acquaintance to promote a Good Cause. There were mutual financial commitments. Abruptly, this acquaintance could not and did not deliver as he promised. My friends mostly thought that we were cheated.  Legal actions were suggested. I was torn and upset, but fortunately decided to give the acquaintance a pass. I did not think that he intentionally deceived us and the Good Cause Project he led must be appreciated and not be smeared.  I had lost a bit financially, but gained a good friend who has recovered and is still promoting his Good Cause Project.

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From Google Search – GoodTherapy

Trust issues often come from early life experiences and interactions. These experiences often take place in childhood. Some people do not get enough care and acceptance as children. Others are abused, violated, or mistreated.

TRUST ISSUES? COMMON SIGNS

Signs a person may be excessively mistrustful include:

• Lack of intimacy or friendships
• Mistrust that interferes with a relationship
• Dramatic and stormy relationships
• Suspicion or anxiety about friends and family 
• Terror during physical intimacy
• Belief that others are deceptive or malevolent without evidence

Social rejection in one’s teens may shape their ability to trust. Some teens are bullied or treated as outcasts by peers. This can influence later relationships. Being betrayed or belittled by others impacts self-esteem. Self-esteem also plays a large role in a person’s capacity to trust. People with low self-esteem may be less likely to trust others. Those with higher self-esteem may be more self-assured.

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Billy Lee – July 2, 2022

About two years ago, my young friend, Li YiLu from Beijing, created for me this bilingual website: “Billy & The World”.  It became https://Friendshipology.Net .

I started to invite various friends to write about Friendship, their thoughts, their experiences, and their stories. I also added a few of my own stories and items I found especially interesting like poems, cartoons or photo-arts.

Last week, my dear nephew-in-law, Rich Hogan, referred me to an article by Ms. Julie Beck of The Atlantic Monthly.
https://www.theatlantic.com/family/archive/2022/06/six-ways-make-maintain-friends/661232/    Sadly to learn that Beck was actually saying “goodbye” to her Friendship Files audience after one hundred deeply perceptive Friendship Interviews in roughly three years. She concluded succinctly that there are six forces that help form friendships and maintain them through the years: Accumulation (time involved ), Attention ( being open to chance encounters ), Intention ( make efforts with joy ), Ritual ( special acts enhancing bonding ), Imagination ( different creative ways ), and Grace ( Forgiveness and The Space that creates for Connection and Reconnection – that feel nothing short of miraculous ).

I was inspired to evaluate what I have learned from the two plus years of https://Friendshipology.net . Yes, the 175 articles so far collected, covered many different aspects of Friendships.  One wrote about Evolution of our Genes; one on Yi and Yi Chi and the Middle Way, one related how to introduce oneself to a golf group missing a fourth player, one resented and asked,” How can I really befriend these snobs ?”; one offered the essential principles in Mediation; one told how two long time friends got upset at each other arguing over a tennis call ( it was more about their pride than their eyes ). There were many wonderful Friendship quotes – from Aristotle, to Lao Tse to Charlie Chaplin. There were also beautiful photos of different animals nudging humans and each other affectionately and naturally, etc. etc. .

So, I have really learned a great deal from all of them, but among all, one indeed impressed me most clearly, simply, and holistically . It was from the story told by Norman Allenby, my Andover/Yale classmate.  His story involved Shawn, a four year old boy who was having his first play date with Norm’s son Robert. Before crossing the threshold of the open front door, Shawn announced a governing principle of Friendship: “Be Nice Me”. Wow, I think that’s it, that’s what we all really want, need, and should try to follow as Our Golden Rule. To those of you who love to write poems, can you please write a poem or song for me- titled “Be Nice Me. No Hurt Each Other”  Cheers ! Always Seeking Essence about Knowledge & Goodness.

By Gordon Hammond – May 2022

          I recently wrote about my Uncle Joe. He was my best friend when I was 10 years old. My next best friend was my roommate at Philips Andover Academy, Billy Ming-Sing Lee. He had recently arrived from China. He needed help with the English language and some other local puzzles. The school closed for the holidays. My family in Hampton, NH invited Billy for Christmas. He enjoyed the visit and playing with my sisters. I showed him how to play hockey and he showed me some soccer tricks. He now lives in California as a retired architect. We use e-mail to keep in touch frequently. I just now sent this article to him for his website: <https://friendshipology.net>.

          My next best friend was Leon Henley, a cotton farmer from North Texas, also known as  ‘Tex.’  He was in my squad in the 180th Regiment of the 45th Infantry Division. We were together from training in Louisiana to Korea. If we didn’t like an order, one of us volunteered to cover the job. Tex had a family and he was drafted into the Army. He hated military life, but I was a volunteer so I couldn’t gripe. Many years after Korean War, marriage, and work at the Laboratory, Polly and I and the kids took a long auto vacation trip around  the U.S.  On the return to home, we passed Tex’s ranch in Childress, Texas. My son Bruce wanted to drive the tractor. Tex said OK.  Bruce drove through Mrs. Henley’s flower garden. We took everybody out for pizza that night.

          Golf had been my exercise until my lumbar discs disintegrated. Now I work out at the YMCA. When Dede and I moved to Florida, I joined a senior golf association that played weekly tournaments around Central Florida. I was frequently paired with Henry Heufner, a snowbird from Cleveland, Ohio. We became good friends and Dede did with Marion, his wife. Henry was a wealthy, retired business man, with an airplane, a yacht, and a condo in Pinellas County. In the Summer time, we liked to meet and play golf in North Carolina. Our favorite area was Pinehurst and Southern Pines. A favorite golf course was the Pit. This was the course that had an island green and I fell in the lake, raking the sand trap walking backwards. Henry laughed so hard all he could do was fish my hat out of the lake with his putter. When we got to the 18th green, I bent over to get my ball out of the hole and my soaked shorts fell down and I mooned the people who watched from the club house. Alzheimer got Henry at an early age.

          At an Episcopal golf outing, we met in the club house for dinner. The men around a table introduced themselves. I said I was an astronomer. Another man said he writes for the Tampa Bay Times. He asked me if I would do an interview with him. Later he called and I said OK. The Times sent a photographer, and I chatted with Dr. Prof. Edward Cifelli. The interview centered on our golf games and we played Scotland Yards several times. Now we go to breakfast every 2nd Friday, we celebrate each birthday, and our wives are good friends. He is my best friend. And I must include Dede as my best friend, also. She takes notes of my phone calls and she takes care of all our meals at home, and she lets me pay the bills. I love her.

BILLY’s COMMENTS :

Gordon. indeed, is one of my best friends as well. He was the one who helped me without my asking. He helped me adapt myself to the new environment when I came to the U.S, to study at Phillips Academy Andover. He was like a BIG BROTHER to me – very caring with a unique sense of Humor. Thanks, Gordon, for your friendship and for supporting my Friendshipology Initiative !

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By Billy Lee – May 2022

Monday May 16, I attended The CCIS 67^th Annual Meeting at Stanford University’s Bechtel International Center.  The main attraction was A Panel of 4 Speakers from 4 Countries – Stanford’s foreign students from Ukraine, Belarus, Russia, and Georgia.

I arrived early and sat next to a fellow wearing a tag with a clearly printed one word, ED.  We chatted briefly. I learned that he is a CCIS Volunteer who has been teaching English to Stanford International Graduate Students – 15 students once a week.  I also shared with him my volunteering at CCIS’ English in Action program where I had a Japanese Partner from Kyoto, etc.. It was quite a surprise to me to discover later that he was an invited speaker to speak just before the main Panel.

After his talk, I all of a sudden realized how important it was in Setting the Stage. According to ED, he simply told funny stories to enliven the meeting.  Photos below from Lydia Moret show the atmosphere we have at most CSIS meetings. Indeed, the usual CCIS Spirit is one of Goodwill, Caring. Engaging, and Sharing of Joy and Hope.

ED, whose full name is Edward Loizeaux, has special skills to teach the rest of us who believe in Promoting International and Cross-cultural Friendship. Ed is a retired management consultant specializing in the evaluation and implementation of company-wide computer systems, such as MRP, for mid-sized manufacturing firms worldwide.  His clients ranged from Brazil to Singapore to Philadelphia to San Francisco and all points in-between.  His travels to numerous foreign countries inspired his current volunteer activities at Stanford University teaching English to international graduate students. 

I have serious hearing difficulty and cannot catch much of what people say to me, but I try hard to catch a few key words when possible, and make special efforts to watch what is going on and how things are delivered and received.  Unfortunately, of ED’s 3 Funny Stories, I caught the essence of only two, but they are so uniquely international and effective for the occasion. I like to share them with you even though I wish you could have heard this directly from ED himself. One was about an Asian Scientist being introduced by a jovial American colleague: “A Jolly good friend and a Bachelor”. Pounding on a table near by, Ed showed the Asian Scientist very upset and said “ Dear Friends, I am a PhD !

The second one was about the Finns from Finland. They are normally “Introverts” and tend to talk to another person with their faces turned downwards and eyes focusing on their own shoes. When asked if the Finns ever become “Extroverts”? The answer is “ Ofcourse ! When his or her eyes focus on the other guy’s shoes. “

ED has his own charming way of engaging his audience. Note how he bent forward to engage Giorgi Abaiadze from Georgia as he also captured full attention from the entire audience.

So impressed by Mr. Ed Loizeaux, I asked for his email address and wrote to him to invite him to lunch and perhaps also to write something for my Friendshipology website : <https://friendshipology.net>.  He graciously rejected because he had to take care of his wife who is not well. Instead, he offered some ideas for Friendshipology to pounder. Please see below :

MAKING FRIENDS

— how to do it —

1.  Do you really want a new true friend?  Or, do you prefer a fast and efficient transaction?  Making a new friend will take some time.  Time is the most valuable thing most of us have and should be spent carefully.  Knowing what you want is the first step.

2.  Perhaps the easiest way to make a new true friend is to find a common interest.  Use that interest, whatever it may be, to begin a conversation.  Use this discussion to test the likelihood of mutual interest.

3.  Listen very carefully and thoughtfully.  Place yourself in his (or her) shoes and reply from that perspective.  Your ideas will eventually work their way into the relationship.  There is no need to be first.

4.  Do not offer an opinion unless one is requested.  No friend likes being told what they should believe.  Listen and be accepting of new ideas even though they may seem strange.  Giving advice can come later. 

5.  Extend an invitation for a future friendly conversation.  If it is accepted, you will have planted the seed for a meaningful new friendship.  It will need water and fertilizer, but it will grow with time.

6.  Keeping in touch over time and distance is usually necessary to sustain a new friendship.  Try hard to prevent long periods without contact.  The best friendships are often those which have lasted a very long time.

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