Several months ago, BIlly asked if I would write something about friendship. You would think that, given all the intervening time (slowed to molasses by Covid), I had written a book by now.  Yet, I still struggle. I spent a third of my life in Asia, and have traveled to lots of new places, made many new friends. Yet, I can’t define friendship. With each new connection, the definition is massaged into something different:

NOT ABOUT BEING JUDGEY:

In the 80s, I lived in Japan. One weekend, I was planning a party with a Canadian friend.  I had different categories for different people. There were the people I knew from church, my publishing-company colleagues, random acquaintances, Japanese people who didn’t speak English, foreigners who didn’t speak Japanese, etc. Which group should I invite?

“All of them,” my friend advised. “They may not be from the same group, but they will find a way to relate.”

And they did.

NOT ABOUT ME:

In 2000, I returned to the U.S. with my family: a husband originally from China, and our four children. Fast-forward to 2016. My youngest daughter came home from school saying her friend had called her –well, I won’t repeat it. I don’t want to give it life again. Still, as the result of the nastiness hurled at my daughter (and because she wouldn’t allow me to “make it worse” by talking to the mother), I started a blog called Bridgeoverthepacific.blogspot.com. I interviewed other Chinese-Americans to explain where they came from, why, and what amazing things they had contributed to America.

One woman I interviewed, Gerry Low-Sabado, was  a 5^th generation Chinese-American, who took me on the historical journey of her ancestors in Monterey. Everywhere we went, and I mean EVERYWHERE, she reached out to talk to others, to find out their story, to share hers. She said that she couldn’t be on a schedule, as it would restrict her ability to get to know other people. It was then I noticed quite starkly that I move with ME in mind, and am stingy with my time. I fill each minute with my own busy-ness…and talking to others gets in the way of that.

ABOUT SIMILAR VALUES

My husband and I are from very different worlds. I grew up in the midwest of America. He grew up in the south of China. I grew up eating TV dinners. He grew up eating whatever grew in the village gardens. I grew up believing in Santa Claus. He grew up believing in KuanYin. Still, despite our numerous differences, we have a similar set of basic values, similar sense of humor.  

ABOUT COMMUNICATION

When my youngest was in middle school, an online chat group of parents started. One afternoon, the chat was abuzz with a sighting of a pervert hanging around one of the bus stops. A stranger. Looked suspicious. Leered at children as they disembarked. This went on for hours. Then the man entered the chat.

 “Sorry,” this pervert said. “It was my daughter’s first day riding the bus. I wasn’t sure when she would arrive, but wanted to be there when she got off.”

I can only imagine if this communication had not happened. The spiral of panic could have led to a town council meeting with parents demanding volunteers standing guard at each bus stop.

CONSTANTLY CHANGING

Over the years, my definition of friendship has morphed in different ways, as the world and I change. These days, as I wash and fold masks for the first time in all my decades on earth, I sense that I’ve reverted back to square one.  I’m back to talking about people in categories: high risk or safe.  I’m back to judging: “Why isn’t that idiot wearing a mask?” I’m back to ignoring strangers in public—every encounter feels like a gamble. My world has been whittled down to Zoom conferences, and the occasional hike with old friends (wearing masks, walking 6 feet apart). I realize that the only definition of friendship that endures—whether it is person to person or country to country– is that of common values. Yet, I also realize that it is only by not judging, by reaching out and communicating, that I am able to discover those threads of commonality. In this strange state of the world, I will have to work overtime to do so.

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Jana  McBurney-Lin

jmcburneylin@msn.com

Accomplished writer and editor, with 32 years experience working with more than 40 different publications in seven countries. Authored two award-wining novels:

            Blossoms and Bayonets, (2012, Redwood, ISBN 9780988494008)

            My Half of the Sky, (2006, KOMENAR, ISBN 0977208117).

Fifteen years of living overseas, and extensive international travel experiences, have contributed to a well-rounded perspective from which to edit and write.  Fluent in English, intermediate knowledge of spoken Japanese and Mandarin.

PROFESSIONAL & SOCIAL AFFILIATIONS:

California Writer’s Club, member since 1999. President, 2001-05.   

  National League of American PEN Women, member since 2006

   U.S.-China People’s Friendship Assoc., member since 2007, President 2013-15

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 “Rivers do not drink their own water; trees do not eat their own fruit; the sun does not shine on itself and flowers do not spread their fragrance for themselves. Living for others is a rule of nature. We are all born to help each other. No matter how difficult it is…Life is good when you are happy; but much better when others are happy because of you.” Let us all remember then that every changing colour of a leaf is beautiful and every changing situation of life is meaningful, both need very clear vision. So do not grumble or complain, let us instead remember that Pain is a sign that we are alive, Problems are a sign that we are strong and Prayer is a sign we are not alone!! If we can acknowledge these truths and condition our hearts and minds, our lives will be more meaningful, different and worthwhile!! ☘☘☘ 

       Wishing you a blessed year ahead !

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HAPPY FRIENDSHIP WEEK! FROM ONE FRIEND TO ANOTHER Written by Andy Rooney, a man who had the gift of saying so much with so few words. Rooney has passed away but used to be on CBS’s 60 Minutes TV show : I’ve learned….That the best classroom in the world is at the feet of an elderly person.  I’ve learned….That when you’re in love, it shows.  I’ve learned ….That just one person saying to me, ‘You’ve made my day!’ makes my day.  I’ve learned….That having a child fall asleep in your arms is one of the most peaceful feelings in the world.  I’ve learned….That being kind is more important than being right.  I’ve learned….That you should never say no to a gift from a child.  I’ve learned….That I can always pray for someone when I don’t have the strength to help him in any other way.  I’ve learned….That no matter how serious your life requires you to be, everyone needs a friend to act goofy with.  I’ve learned….That sometimes all a person needs is a hand to hold and a heart to understand.  I’ve learned….That simple walks with my father around the block on summer nights when I was a child did wonders for me as an adult.  I’ve learned..That life is like a roll of toilet paper.The closer it gets to the end, the faster it goes.  I’ve learned….That money doesn’t buy class.  I’ve learned….That it’s those small daily happenings that make life so spectacular.  I’ve learned…That under everyone’s hard shell is someone who wants to be appreciated and loved.  I’ve learned….That to ignore the facts does not change the facts.  I’ve learned….That when you plan to get even with someone,you are only letting that person continue to hurt you. I’ve learned….That love, not time, heals all wounds.  I’ve learned…That the easiest way for me to grow as a person is to surround myself with people smarter than I am.  I’ve learned….That everyone you meet deserves to be greeted with a smile.  I’ve learned….That no one is perfect until you fall in love with them.  I’ve learned….That life is tough, but I’m tougher.  I’ve learned….That opportunities are never lost; someone will take the ones you miss.  I’ve learned….That when you harbor bitterness, happiness will dock elsewhere.  I’ve learned….That I wish I could have told my Mom that I love her one more time before she passed away. I’ve learned….That one should keep his words both soft and tender, because tomorrow he may have to eat them.  I’ve learned….That a smile is an inexpensive way to improve your looks.  I’ve learned….That when your newly born grandchild holds your little finger in his little fist, you’re hooked for life.  I’ve learned….That everyone wants to live on top of the mountain, but all the happiness and growth occurs while you’re climbing it.  I’ve learned….That the less time I have to work with, the more things I get done.  To all of you…Make sure you read all the way down to the last sentence. It’s National Friendship Week. Show your friends how much you care. Send this to everyone you consider a FRIEND. HAPPY FRIENDSHIP WEEK TO YOU  _____________________________________________________________ BILLY”S COMMENTS : From Googling, I learned that International Friendship Day is in July; U.S. National Friendship Week is in August; and Friendship Month for Women worldwide is in September. Okay, but for me Friendship Day is Everyday – especially Today ! BTW, my sister, Merle, and my brother, John, are amazingly supportive of my Friendshipology Website Project. Merle in fact sent me the wise quotes from Andy Rooney above. John coincidentally referred me to a N.Y.Times article, “Store Owner’s Kindness Is Paid Back When He Needed It The Most” (Friday, December 25, 2020 – P.A9 ). The story is about a kind and friendly Chineses Immigrant who owns the Army & Navy Bags store at Lower Manhattan, New York City. One of his helpful friends exclaimed in joy : I was so happy we would get to have him in our lives still.” _____________________________________________________________

Dear Bill,

l wish to share with your friendshipology  the “friendship between WATER and STONE the essence of a FOUNTAIN.

I have depicted this Friendship as per my photographic art-language expressing the synthesis of elements in a new scenario. I call  my scenarios COMPLICITAS…since expressing the complicity among elements.

I  have  narrated the friendship between water and stone, in  a 30 images  visionary portrait of the fascinating Roman ” urban mermaids ”  where the element of LIFE – WATER – interplays  with  the  manmade  elements of  the  traditional, even  archeological   city  elements…Fountains created by  famous   XVI-XVII  century  architects  such as Gian Lorenzo BERNINI  and Michelangelo Buonarroti.

Last but not least …WATER, in a more and more arid world –  is  becoming  an  ever   more precious”commodity”….the blue gold !!!

My  tale AQUAE DIVINAE discloses the fresh chanting friendship tied in a fountain: Water ‘n Stone-marble

enjoy! Amlia

PS: Attached six AQUAE DIVINAE 

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BILLY’S COMMENTS: Amalia and I have known each other for more than 10 years, but we have not yet met. She was introduced to me by Evertt Chen from Ningbo where Amalia had her special art exhibit. She is an inspiring person thru her art and her love in Global Friendship. Thank you, Dear Amalia, for your compassionate sharing.

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It’s been a long time since I met my cousin Billy Lee for the first time at Albert Chong’s Memorial in Great Neck, N.Y.. He called me “Little Auntie” for my cousin Yan Ren-mei was married to his uncle Li Zu-ming. We also showed up in the same photo at the 80^th Birthday Celebration of my cousin Ming-cho Lee, who was the single most influential force in American stage design since the mid-1960’s, in 2010.

What surprised me most was that Billy had a clear memory of my older brother A Da¹ in his childhood. For personal enjoyment, I have kept making and publishing my biography “My Story” on WeChat “Moments”, totally 420 episodes so far, for about two years. Billy got very interested in these stories and what he wanted to read first was about my older brother A Da. So I sent the 36 episodes with A Da’s photos and resume to Billy, as well as other episodes of “My Story” that Billy would like to read. He once wrote in his email to me:

“For a very brief time your brother and I were very fond of each other.

It was around 1945-46. Our fathers first introduced us, and we lived not far from each other along Shanghai’s Fugerson Road. I remember playing at Jin Da’s² home once or twice. We lost touch since he moved, and we unfortunately did not keep in touch.

Much later I heard from Jeanette Wei³ (another cousin of yours?) that he passed away rather tragically in China.

Wow, you kept good records on his grand achievements. I wish I had gotten to know him better. Admirable Brother of yours! Admirable!

 I loved his Friendly Smiles.”

…………………………………….

After reading my biography, he replied my email as follows:

“You mentioned a grandson of Zhou Tso Ming. The banker’s house was immediately next to ours in Shanghai. I used to play with the No. One grandson Albert and his younger brother, whose name I have forgotten. Could the younger brother be that guest at your mother’s birthday celebration? He should be between 82 and 85 years old now.

I was known to them as Lee Min-xin⁴ at 123 Furgerson⁵ Road. I also noticed a picture of David Kwok who now resides at Walnut Creek. He is my F.F.⁶ contemporary.

In No. 116, you visited Pan Chang Lo Lo’s home in 2014. She was just sitting next to me at a dinner last week. Her daughter Sandra brought her there. She told me about her youthful days in Shanghai playing softball at a softball field close to my home.

In No.117, I noticed a DISTINGUISHED photo of Shirley Young on the wall of her Shanghai home. She certainly is a Distinguished Person in our Generation. Say ‘Hello’.

I also noticed singer Hou Jia Tien’s photo in that chapter.

In No. 118, I noticed Diane Tang Woo’s photo taken as recently as 2018. She is a special friend, as the rumour had it, my mother almost married her father.

……………………………….

Received Story No.31 to 50, missing No. 46 and No. 48 however.

Noticed that we are also connected via Ningbo⁷ and Andover.

I was at Andover for 4 years from -1947-51-graduated the same year as your cousin, Shirley, who was attending Abbot.

Amazing, I noticed my mother’s younger sister, Woo Weize, in your Story No.20 – pictures at the very bottom. I think your mother’s sisters and my mother’s sisters were well-know young ladies from Dee Fong Lu⁸.

 MK Loo became Fay’s husband. Jonathan Lu worked at IBM with my wife, Lucille. LC Chen was an associate at I.M. Pei’s office and later became a partner of mine at Copelin, Lee & Chen Architects. All three ( MK, Jonathan, and LC ) are in Heaven now!”

Although long retired from architecture career, Billy still has a keen interest in Design, even in Men & Women Fashion. He said, “I designed mostly residential projects. Below is one of my favorite – in Napa Valley, California. (Two links below – the first one has verbal descriptions – the second one has better photos.) 

And he sent me greetings for each festival through emails,

“Happy Chinese New Year!”

“Happy New Year, Jeanette!”

“Merry Christmas, Jeanette!”

“Happy Thanksgiving!”

Billy also enjoys sharing his personal moments with me, like,

“…had dinner with Jeannette Wei last week.

She and Jim Caldwell will be moving to Austin Texas soon.”

We also talked about F.F. Fraternity together, “…So you are Sister Jeanette now, since Uncle T.T. Zee, your father, was an F.F. Brother.”

I also found a brief introduction and many photos of Billy and his wife in a book: History of F.F. Fraternity: the Evolution of the first Chinese Fraternity in the United States (1910-2002), which informs me more about his lively life in the US.

     He also told me,

“The last one, John MY Lee, is my younger brother, the architect who designed the first mega-structure in ShenZhen-the city plaza and civic center.

Please say ‘hello’ to Niuniu – Lee May, and husband Zhang Goon for me, when you see them!”

When he learned the relationship between Shirley Young and me ( our mothers are sisters ), he happily told me that he, Lee Tsu Yung’s no.2 son was Andover ’51 while Shirley was Abbot ’51. ” Please extend my best regards to Shirley. She remembers me only as that skinny Andover Chinese Boy who went to Yale.” he requested.

Billy is an energetic man indeed, and I really enjoy the moments of exchanging news back and forth with him; especially in recent years, we could share moments anytime and anywhere by using WeChat. Those memories in old days tie up Shanghai and the other coast of the Pacific Ocean closely and give a happy and abundant life to both of us. I only have a little wish that all my relatives, friends and our children could keep in touch with each other, like Billy and me, to explore more about Ourselves, China, and the World.

Notes:

1. A Da: 阿達，the best-known name of my older brother Jing-da Zee, a very famous animator in China
2. Jin Da: the pronunciation of my older brother徐景達Jing-da Zee’s given name, should be “Jing Da” according to the latest Chinese phonetic system
3. Jeanette Wei: the god daughter’s sister of my parents
4. Lee Min-xin: the pronunciation of Billy Lee’s Chinese name李名信, should be “Li Ming-Xin” according to the latest Chinese phonetic system
5. Furgerson Road: normally spelled as “Route Furguson” 福開森路, the former name of “Wukang Road” 武康路 in the French Concession of Shanghai
6. FF: F.F. Fraternity, the first Chinese Fraternity in the United States
7. Ningbo: 寧波，a coastal city in China where our family origins from
8. Dee Fong Lu: the pronunciation of “Tifeng Road” 地豐路 in old Shanghai, which is now named “North Wulumuqi Road” 烏魯木齊北路
9. T.T. Zee: my father 徐振東

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BILLY’S COMMENTS: Jeannette’s MY STORY with more than 420 episodes is an amazing collection of photos and stories about her amazing Friendship Span. I implored her to write an article on ” How you sustain your links with so many Friends ? ” She just showed us how. SIMPLY: KEEP IN TOUCH, ENJOY, APPRECIATE, AND REMEMBER YOUR AMAZING CONNECTIONS !

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