Thanksgiving last year, I sent many good friends a letter of Thanks & Gratitude, and invited them to contribute articles to my  Friendshipology website <https://friendshipology.net>. Many schoolmates responded and several wrote intimate thoughts. 

One classmate wrote:

I’ll consider your invitation to write something for your Friendship website, but frankly it may not promote friendship. I had one close friend you would know who was so rapid and full of hate for Trump, he could not tolerate my conservative ideas. Others experienced the same relationship. We no longer communicate. I fear the contentious political differences will forever taint friendships and even families. Sad.

When I worked on a 20,000 acre horse and cattle ranch in desolate eastern Montana, it was truly an awakening. My east coast upbringing was very different in values character and ethics. My Montana hosts and their ranching friends find so much more in life than people in the stale east They have a remarkable inborn wisdom as well as an honest, stable sense of values” I stand by my thinking to this day and feel this difference is the heart of our current day thinking politically.

You truly make our day every year when you remember OLD friends. Thank you so much.”  I will not attend our reunion. I prefer to leave our alma mater with special memories and not see the destruction of all those things we cherished. Keep the annual greeting alive !!! “

I wrote back :

You must write this story for my website. There is a lesson to be learned. I hope you will have ideas on how and when to agree or disagree or agree to disagree..

As an architect, I think of SPACE all the time. Give some Space and bring in Light to Create Joy. Yes, I know you will write well because it will be heart-felt !

After another letter from this classmate, I replied:

I really admire and appreciate your honest, direct, and trust-worthy kind of friendship. Even though I share much of the liberal philosophy about gender and racial equality etc., I am weary about the frequent liberal elitist conceit. A year or so ago, a Chinese friend brought a delegation of 20+ students from Shanghai’s FuDan Univesity’s School of Business to the S.F. Bay Area to visit Stanford, Apple, and Facebook etc.. He asked me to give a talk to his students on one of their only free afternoons. I hesitated but finally agreed to take up the challenge. I wondered how I could impress them after they had just met and visited the crown jewels of Silicon Valley, and what could I really say that could be of permanent value to their aspiring futures.

Having come from Shanghai, I knew well that the Shanghai people are generally very proud and ambitious and FuDan School of Business is the HBS or SBS of China. I decided to talk about Arrogance of the Brilliant, Privileged, Elitists.  I told them to remember two different kinds of arrogance : The Self-first Flaunting Bullying type as exhibited by President Donald Trump, and the Snotty Hypocritical type revealed by Hillary Clinton as she called those who didn’t follow her ” A Basket full of Deplorables”. I also told them about a few of my own Family Members who looked down at those who did not have a good education and called all the poor people “Dirty Thieves”.

I am hoping to learn from this Friendshipology Initiative on how people can better relate to each other especially cross-culturally. So far I have 80+essays shining light on various aspects of friendship. Unfortunately most stories are about the bright cheerful experiences and there are not many awkward situations where we really need to focus and learn from. 

I think we can learn something valuable from you, because I feel that you also feel that we all need to know better. If you don’t mind, I like to quote  you in a future article. I won’t reveal your name. Indeed, I like to hear more about your inner thoughts and feelings.

So far, I have learned that people will always have different points of views. It really is better to learn how to cultivate common goodness in oneself and others and enthusiastically cooperate and collaborate on common challenges like this Covid-19 pandemic.  US-China relations is at a very low point today. I like very much to revert that ! 

Cheers with warm affection always,

Classmate wrote:

I will offer more comments in time, but want you to see, first hand, what the Cowboy Culture is all about. The National Rodeo Finals is currently on TV. It is a ten day Super Bowl with the top cowboys competing for top national honors in about 10 events. You can view it (about 3 hrs) starting at 4 western on RFD our channel 74 called the “cowboy channel”. Give it a shot. No politics. All America

I hope you will appreciate the solid character of the participants. These kids put their faith in God, country and their way of life. A world champion may throw his hat in the air, but only after dropping to one knee and thanking God for his success. This is a far cry from our million dollar athletes who jive in the end zone in self praise.

I wrote again:

Politics is a dangerous topic for conversation, indeed. It can make people get furious at each other. When I decided to do my research on Cross-cultural Friendship, I volunteered at the English in Action Program at Stanford University’s International Students Center.

Before, they paired me with a Japanese Post Doc to practice English once a week, I was cautioned seriously to avoid three topics in our conversation in the beginning : Politics, Religion, and Sex.

I did that for the first month but opened up gradually afterwards. Dr. Junichi Matsubara  and I conversed regularly for almost three years, on almost all topics, and we became really really good friends. 

Just before he departed for his home, Kyoto, Japan, his wife who was in the U.S. with him, gave birth to a baby boy. It took them weeks to select a name good for the boy’s future. Indeed, after choosing a Japanese name, they also picked an English name. Guess what, they decided to call their little baby boy , ” Billy”.   Wow that was the best reward I had ever received in my whole life.

Don’t forget : Junichi is from Japan and I am from China originally.

Yes, I’ve learned a bit more from the RFD website as it presents many positive aspects about the Cowboy culture which I now begin to understand and admire. Just for your amusement, here is a Chinese Western video which shows a lot of anger and cruelty, but that’s what entertains people ( myself included ), I am afraid.

Please watch: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nC6H40x0mAQ .

Latest from Classmate:

I appreciate your passion for friendship and I treasure your annual reaching out to classmates. It is unique and meaningful. Thank you.

Again, I am now spending most of my waking hours supporting organizations and causes which I feel are fighting for me and the survival of the country we both love and respect —- and I served in the navy to protect. I look forward to your annual greeting. You have achieved your goal of maintaining a friendship !!!!

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BILLY’S COMMENTS: Dan, you just showed us that LOVE & FRIENDSHIP ARE SO ESSENTIAL UNIVERSALLY. You also suggested that we Humans can learn from Animals. A picture is worth a thousand words, so I studied these photos a bit more carefully and noticed these many different pairs all appear to be peaceful, gentle, caring and truly happy together. I noticed that some even enjoyed being photographed together. Few apparently grew up together and thus are familiar with one other. Starting together young seems to help. Playing together to have fun is important. Some needs to be more patient like that monkey with the three pups. Hugging, leaning on each other, tet-a-tet together apparently build warmth and deepen bonding. Having full trust and feeling totally safe can be detected from the eyes of that owl and the wolfdog.

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ABOUT DAN CHAO: Dr. Daniel K. H. Chao has over 40 years of experience in commercial and investment banking, corporate finance and management, company and project development, equity investments and risk management. He was a former SVP for TerraPower, chaired by Bill Gates, and was responsible for all business and financing activities for the company, which culminated in the formation of a joint venture with a leading nuclear power company in China.

Dr. Chao is also very active in non-profit organizations. He is currently the Board Chair of the 1990 Institute and a member of the Committee of 100 and of the National Committee for US-China Relations. Dan is also currently a Board member and Treasurer of Asian Health Services in Oakland, and an Advisory Board member of the Asia Society of Northern California. Dan has served on the Advisory Board of the Export-Import Bank of the United States, the Board of the US-China Business Council, the Advisory Council of the Fletcher School of Law & Diplomacy (Tufts U.), and was the former President and Chairman of the California-Asia Business Council. He has also served on the Board of Directors of the Head-Royce School in Oakland and the Pucheng Microfinance Development Association in Shaanxi, China. Dr. Chao holds a B.A. from Stanford University (Phi Beta Kappa), an M.A., M.A.L.D. and Ph.D. from the Fletcher School of Law and Diplomacy at Tufts University, and an Advanced Professional Certificate (Business) from New York University.

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As someone who has lived in the small California community known as Ladera for more than 25 years, I sometimes feel like I am lucky to be stuck in a time warp.  The world around us has at times become disjointed and “self-first” focused, and yet, I don’t ever feel that way here.  We landed in Ladera quite by accident and over the years it has become astonishingly apparent to me that it is one of the luckiest events of my life. We were a young couple with 2 small children.  We moved here from the suburban life in Menlo Park, and I felt like we had landed in the Wild West. As people who took up residence in November, the first winter was pretty lonely. I felt completely isolated and cut off from the rest of the world. And then, like sunshine after rain, Spring came. The LRD pool opened and life as we knew it was forever changed.  We discovered other families who had small children. We met the neighbors. We visited the restaurants and unique shops at the bottom of the hill. And most importantly, lifelong friendships sprouted from that early seed.

I am convinced that this experience began 60 years ago when the first families moved in to this small planned unit development.  Those first families set the stage for those of who followed in their footsteps.  They established a recreation district to be the center of the neighborhood.  They created paths for wandering and had foresight to protect land around them.  The families had barbecues and street parties and July 4^th activities that began traditions passed down through the ages.  And through those activities, families found friendship.  The Ladera kids all trudged to the Ladera school and played in the creek in the afternoons.  Couples formed pot luck clubs (at least one of which is still in existence). People took turns watching each other’s kids so they could have a night out. People in the neighborhood took on leadership roles at the LRD and in the community. And people cared about their neighbors.  Most families who now move to Ladera, move here because they want that sense of community and friendship.

I am blessed to have developed so many BFF’s (best friends forever) here in Ladera.

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Diane Gow –
Here’s a little bit about me.  I grew up in Marblehead, Massachusetts  and attended the University of New Hampshire. On a whim I followed my then boyfriend, now husband to California for what I thought would be 2 years.  35 years later I’m still in California.  I attended  Santa Clara University School of Law and practiced litigation for a few years before I was lucky to stay home with my 2 boys  and be part of their childhoods. We moved to our wonderful community of Ladera in 1995 and I’ve been actively involved in the neighborhood for the past 25 years.  I currently occupy the General Manager seat at the Ladera Recreation District and I moonlight as an assistant to Ladera Crier co-editor LInda Fornaciari. I dedicate myself to sprinkling kindness throughout the world. 

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BILLY’S Comments: Di knows my son Prescott and his twin children, Gage and Lexi, well, since the children participate at Di’s regionally known LRD Swim Program. I personally am grateful for her help in arranging the LRD Meeting Room for my last minute talk to a visiting delegation from Shanghai, China’s Fu Da University, last year. It was a holiday, yet she took time to help me. I deeply deeply appreciate that. For me, a Neighbor indeed became a Friend. Thank you, Di .

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During the past few years, I have been studying Friendship and How to Develop Friendship. Along the way, I learned that surrounding situations and people have much to do with what could actually happen. To promote Friendship we, indeed, need to capture or create suitable conditions. Those people who contribute to such activities, I shall call them Actual Connectors.

This article “ IN PRAISE OF ACTUAL CONNECTORS IN FRIENDSHIPOLOGY “ is written to honor several of my personal friends and acquaintances who have been doing just that knowingly or not knowingly. I want to applaud them and thank them.

George Rider and Dan Ward , class corresponding secretaries from Andover PA’51 and Yale YC’55, have been responsible for keeping our classmates connected via the school alumni magazines. It’s not just fresh news they pass along, but the Spirit of our Common Aspirations and the  Schools’ mottos : “Non Sibi ‘’ for Andover and “Lux et Veritas”for Yale.

Linda Fornaciari and Di Gow the forces behind Ladera Crier (LC ) and Ladera Recreational District ( LRD ) were introduced by an article by Linda Hubbard in 2016.  The Ladera Recreation District’s mission is to provide a clean, safe recreational environment in which members can exercise, socialize, relax, and develop lasting friendships through a variety of social events, traditions, and leisure activities. The Ladera Crier is one of the most beautifully presented monthly community publications in this country – keeping up with Ladera’s reputation as the Best Educated Community in the United States today.

Vic Young, and Mike King ( whom I address as Brothers since we all belong to this Chinese Fraternity, FF Fraternity ) produces the FF Bulletin and coordinates our Facebook Connection respectively.  They keep the members engaged on serious issues as well as having fun and laugher together. In this fraternal organization, the wives or Sisters actually play a key roll.  They provide important wisdom and extra warmth in our relationships.  To hold activities in private homes has proven to be the best environment to build bonding. We can only do so when we have the Sisters’ enthusiastic consents.

Marge Ketter and Mike Revzin are National Officers of US China People’s Friendship Association – Marge the Membership Director and Mike the Editor of  USCR ( US-China Review) a quarterly publication of US- China People’s Friendship Association. US-China relationship changes with political  conditions, but for people who intrinsically value Friendship over Conflicts, we must be patient and steadfast- with eyes open and also hearts always open. We must stay connected.

I discovered the word “CONNECTORS “ few years ago when a friend introduced me to Malcolm Gladwell’s  book,  TIPPING POINT.  Indeed, Connections are important and Connecting People for Good Causes is especially important. Connections could be Friendships. Connecting People is part of Friendshipology.

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This is an article I promised Billy for over a year. Billy once told me I’m very good at being late, so is my article. To pay for the late fee, I’m going to write a long one. And here is the first part.

Before I wrote this article, I asked myself: what is the definition of friends? Some people say friends are someone you like hanging out together; some say friends are people who help each other. I think friends are two different souls finding each other dearly and always want the best for each other. Shay* is such a friend to me. Actually Shay is one of my best friends.

I met Shay in New York City on the first day I moved into The Webster Apartments. The Webster Apartments is a building on the upper west of Manhattan for single women only.

At that time, I had lived in the U.S. for over two years. I made American friends, but none of them I would consider a real friend –  who would like to spend time listening to me and to share laughters and sorrows together. I asked many of my friends who, like me, coming to the States to study from China: do you have any very good American friends with whom you can share your laughters and sorrows? Very few of them answered “yes”, or “I once had one”.

Is it really hard to make a really good friend who has a different cultural background from mine? I have been struggling with this question for a while until I met Shay.

Chapter One “Oklahoma! The musical?”

The Webster Apartments provided two meals for all tenants. As I already missed the first meal by moving in too late in the afternoon (yes Bill is right I’m always late), I rushed to the dining hall for dinner super early.

Trying to find a seat to start my dinner, I saw a blonde lady eating alone by a table.

“Hi, can I join you for dinner?” I smiled and asked her.

“Sure.” This lady looked at me and squeezed the word from her full mouth.

Two years later, when Shay and I became close friends, Shay told me the moment she saw me look around for a table, she told herself: girl, please do not come to my table. When I was walking towards her table, she almost prayed for me not talking to her.

“Why?” I asked her.

“I  never had any close Asian friends. I didn’t know how to deal with it. Plus I had a very long day and I just wanted to have a quiet moment by myself.”

This lady, who never had a close Asian friend, was trying to be polite by answering all my questions.

“Where did you grow up?” I asked a very typical question if you were in China.

“I grew up in Oklahoma.”

“Oklahoma! The musical?” I shouted out excitedly.

To be honest, I knew nothing about Oklahoma, either the state or the musical. I happened to see a picture of the musical in a movie magazine when I was 5 years old in China. Surprisingly I still remembered it.

Maybe it is my loud voice, or maybe my sudden excitement, the eyes of this young lady lightened up and started to tell me her stories growing up in Oklahoma. I told her what my experience was like living in a country more than 12 hours flight from my parents. We also found out we both loved literature and writing, and neither of us liked working out.

We talked for two hours at the dinner table and another two hours at the lobby when the staff kicked us out of the dinning hall as it was going to be closed at night.

“Hey, we should hang out! I haven’t been to many tourist spots in New York City.” This young lady offered me an invitation.

“Me either! Let’s visit the Free Lady this Week this weekend!”

“You mean the Statue of Liberty? Yes I’m in!”

“Yes yes Statues of Liberty.” I finally knew the real name of that huge woman with a torch. Zi You Nv Shen 自由女神 [Statue of Liberty] in Chinese which can be literature translated as “Free Lady”. But at this time I didn’t know this was just a beginning for this young blonde lady to correct my English in the next 5 years.

This is how I met Shay, who later became one of my best friends.

Want more funny stories between Shay and me? Please stay tuned for Chapter Two.

* As my friend told me she’s very shy (Really?) , she wants me to use a pseudonym. I’ll name her Shay for this article.

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Bio of Catherine Zhao

Catherine has been Billy’s friend for over 5 years since her last year at Stanford University. She is currently working as a product marketing manager for a technology company during the day , and a standup comedian at night, with various random volunteer work on weekends depending on her mood. She was a technology journalist in Silicon Valley, though she never had one signal journalism class at school. She studied linguistics, comparative literature, and anthropology in China and the U.S. She really likes talking to interesting people (like Billy) and retells the story to strangers. She’s currently working on a course to help people of different cultures communicate better with humor. If you have any questions or any funny stories, please reach out to her at suiyucathy123(AT)gmail.com.

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