During the past few years, I have been studying Friendship and How to Develop Friendship. Along the way, I learned that surrounding situations and people have much to do with what could actually happen. To promote Friendship we, indeed, need to capture or create suitable conditions. Those people who contribute to such activities, I shall call them Actual Connectors.
This article “ IN PRAISE OF ACTUAL CONNECTORS IN FRIENDSHIPOLOGY “ is written to honor several of my personal friends and acquaintances who have been doing just that knowingly or not knowingly. I want to applaud them and thank them.
George Rider and Dan Ward , class corresponding secretaries from Andover PA’51 and Yale YC’55, have been responsible for keeping our classmates connected via the school alumni magazines. It’s not just fresh news they pass along, but the Spirit of our Common Aspirations and the Schools’ mottos : “Non Sibi ‘’ for Andover and “Lux et Veritas”for Yale.
Linda Fornaciari and Di Gow the forces behind Ladera Crier (LC ) and Ladera Recreational District ( LRD ) were introduced by an article by Linda Hubbard in 2016. The Ladera Recreation District’s mission is to provide a clean, safe recreational environment in which members can exercise, socialize, relax, and develop lasting friendships through a variety of social events, traditions, and leisure activities. The Ladera Crier is one of the most beautifully presented monthly community publications in this country – keeping up with Ladera’s reputation as the Best Educated Community in the United States today.
Vic Young, and Mike King ( whom I address as Brothers since we all belong to this Chinese Fraternity, FF Fraternity ) produces the FF Bulletin and coordinates our Facebook Connection respectively. They keep the members engaged on serious issues as well as having fun and laugher together. In this fraternal organization, the wives or Sisters actually play a key roll. They provide important wisdom and extra warmth in our relationships. To hold activities in private homes has proven to be the best environment to build bonding. We can only do so when we have the Sisters’ enthusiastic consents.
Marge Ketter and Mike Revzin are National Officers of US China People’s Friendship Association – Marge the Membership Director and Mike the Editor of USCR ( US-China Review) a quarterly publication of US- China People’s Friendship Association. US-China relationship changes with political conditions, but for people who intrinsically value Friendship over Conflicts, we must be patient and steadfast- with eyes open and also hearts always open. We must stay connected.
I discovered the word “CONNECTORS “ few years ago when a friend introduced me to Malcolm Gladwell’s book, TIPPING POINT. Indeed, Connections are important and Connecting People for Good Causes is especially important. Connections could be Friendships. Connecting People is part of Friendshipology.
This is an article I promised Billy for over a year. Billy once told me I’m very good at being late, so is my article. To pay for the late fee, I’m going to write a long one. And here is the first part.
Before I wrote this article, I asked myself: what is the definition of friends? Some people say friends are someone you like hanging out together; some say friends are people who help each other. I think friends are two different souls finding each other dearly and always want the best for each other. Shay* is such a friend to me. Actually Shay is one of my best friends.
I met Shay in New York City on the first day I moved into The Webster Apartments. The Webster Apartments is a building on the upper west of Manhattan for single women only.
At that time, I had lived in the U.S. for over two years. I made American friends, but none of them I would consider a real friend – who would like to spend time listening to me and to share laughters and sorrows together. I asked many of my friends who, like me, coming to the States to study from China: do you have any very good American friends with whom you can share your laughters and sorrows? Very few of them answered “yes”, or “I once had one”.
Is it really hard to make a really good friend who has a different cultural background from mine? I have been struggling with this question for a while until I met Shay.
Chapter One “Oklahoma! The musical?”
The Webster Apartments provided two meals for all tenants. As I already missed the first meal by moving in too late in the afternoon (yes Bill is right I’m always late), I rushed to the dining hall for dinner super early.
Trying to find a seat to start my dinner, I saw a blonde lady eating alone by a table.
“Hi, can I join you for dinner?” I smiled and asked her.
“Sure.” This lady looked at me and squeezed the word from her full mouth.
Two years later, when Shay and I became close friends, Shay told me the moment she saw me look around for a table, she told herself: girl, please do not come to my table. When I was walking towards her table, she almost prayed for me not talking to her.
“Why?” I asked her.
“I never had any close Asian friends. I didn’t know how to deal with it. Plus I had a very long day and I just wanted to have a quiet moment by myself.”
This lady, who never had a close Asian friend, was trying to be polite by answering all my questions.
“Where did you grow up?” I asked a very typical question if you were in China.
“I grew up in Oklahoma.”
“Oklahoma! The musical?” I shouted out excitedly.
To be honest, I knew nothing about Oklahoma, either the state or the musical. I happened to see a picture of the musical in a movie magazine when I was 5 years old in China. Surprisingly I still remembered it.
Maybe it is my loud voice, or maybe my sudden excitement, the eyes of this young lady lightened up and started to tell me her stories growing up in Oklahoma. I told her what my experience was like living in a country more than 12 hours flight from my parents. We also found out we both loved literature and writing, and neither of us liked working out.
We talked for two hours at the dinner table and another two hours at the lobby when the staff kicked us out of the dinning hall as it was going to be closed at night.
“Hey, we should hang out! I haven’t been to many tourist spots in New York City.” This young lady offered me an invitation.
“Me either! Let’s visit the Free Lady this Week this weekend!”
“You mean the Statue of Liberty? Yes I’m in!”
“Yes yes Statues of Liberty.” I finally knew the real name of that huge woman with a torch. Zi You Nv Shen 自由女神 [Statue of Liberty] in Chinese which can be literature translated as “Free Lady”. But at this time I didn’t know this was just a beginning for this young blonde lady to correct my English in the next 5 years.
This is how I met Shay, who later became one of my best friends.
Want more funny stories between Shay and me? Please stay tuned for Chapter Two.
* As my friend told me she’s very shy (Really?) , she wants me to use a pseudonym. I’ll name her Shay for this article.
——————————————END OF CHAPTER ONE—————————————————
Bio of Catherine Zhao
Catherine has been Billy’s friend for over 5 years since her last year at Stanford University. She is currently working as a product marketing manager for a technology company during the day , and a standup comedian at night, with various random volunteer work on weekends depending on her mood. She was a technology journalist in Silicon Valley, though she never had one signal journalism class at school. She studied linguistics, comparative literature, and anthropology in China and the U.S. She really likes talking to interesting people (like Billy) and retells the story to strangers. She’s currently working on a course to help people of different cultures communicate better with humor. If you have any questions or any funny stories, please reach out to her at suiyucathy123(AT)gmail.com.
Li-chun with husband Robert Wu, Amb. Gary Lock, and Bill Fuller of Asia Foundation
The relation between the US and China had seen its ups and downs since the establishment of diplomatic relation in 1979, although it has plunged to new lows. It reminded me however, of the long period when there was zero interaction and full of hostility toward each other for more than thirty years since Mao Zedong’s Communist Party began to rule China in 1949. China was perceived to be behind a Bamboo Curtain, similar to the Iron Curtain post World War II between the west world and the Soviet bloc.
But before the Sino-US normalization, the bamboo curtain was even slammed shut further by the radical policies of the Cultural Revolution, controlled by Mao’s wife Jiang Qing led Gang of Four, between 1966 to1976. Families separated by the border could not even communicate or correspond for fear of being branded as “anti-revolutionaries”. For the Chinese scientific community, the impact of the Cultural Revolution was even more disastrous, with intellectuals deemed as class enemy and demons of the society. They were sent to the countryside, to the May Seventh Cadre Schools to participate in manual labor. All research works except those related to the national defense or military was stopped, and publication of any scientific journal discontinued. With universities closed, professors denounced, no fresh blood of graduates could feed into the research communities. Majority of the personnel and staff from three arms of scientific administrative organizations, Chinse Academy of Sciences, State Scientific and Technological Commission, and Chinese Association for Science and Technology, an umbrella for all professional organizations, were disbanded—only Chinse Academy of Sciences had a skeleton of crew remaining. Chinese scholars were scorned, isolated, and out of touch with the global rapid advancement of science and high tech industries.
The bamboo curtain cracked open unexpectedly during the height of the Cultural Revolution in China.[1] An US ping pong player accidently got on a bus for Chinese team during Nagoya World Table Tennis Championship in Japan in 1971. Mao decided to invite the US team to an all-expense paid visit to China. They were treated to the highest level of the curtesy and etiquette from the host, including meeting with the Chinese premier Enlai Zhou. It led to the secret visit of the National Security Advisor Henry Kissinger and then followed by President Nixon as the first ever siting President to visit China which led to the establishment of Liaison Offices in each capitals, and eventually normalization of diplomatic relation in 1979. Thus, the ping pong diplomacy started with the goodwill between athletes of two countries, gradually thawed the cold war. Lifting of the bamboo curtain “opened the door to trade, culture, and advancements in technology and sciences; while also creating a window of opportunity for China to shed the isolationism and grow into one of the most powerful country in the world.”[2]
Ping pong diplomacy also opened the door to the private visits initiated by Chinese descendent US scientists. They noticed signals that Chinese government might be open to non-governmental scientific exchanges between the two nations. Preeminent Chinese scientists were invited to visit US first. The organization in charge was Committee for Scholarly Communication with the Peoples Republic of China (CSCPRC), a non-governmental organization, facilitating people to people contacts of various disciplines of the scientific community on all level.
By 1976, CSCPRC had hosted Chinese delegations to US and organized several trips of US scientists to China. American Steroid Chemistry and Biochemistry Delegation was one of several US-Sino scientific exchanges, organized jointly with National Science Foundation, and visited China from Oct 10 to 29[3]. The delegation was led by Dr. Josef Fried, Chairman of the Chemistry Department of University of Chicago, and co-led by Mrs. Patricia Jones Tsuchitani, of National Science Foundation. A team of 10 scientists, including scientists from universities of different disciplines, medical doctors, and scientists from pharmaceutical company, came with a mission to study about the widely used Chinese steroid oral contraceptive, starting from the indigenous source to manufacturing to their eventual usage and distribution in Chinese family planning, as contraceptives were not widely used in the US yet. I had the occasion to participate in the people to people scientific exchanges before establishment of formal diplomatic relationship as I was assigned to be one of the two interpreters to the group, although I was a researcher at Beijing Institute of Zoology, Chinese Academy of Sciences. The host in China was a supposedly non-governmental organization, Scientific and Technical Association of Peoples’ Republic of China (STSPRC), as a stand-in for the skeleton Foreign Affairs Service Group of Chinese Academy of Sciences.
This delegation had come at an opportune time, the first American group to visit China at the end of the mourning period for the recent death of Mao Zedong in September, and arriving in Beijing four days after the arrest of the Gang of Four in Beijing. They were warned by the US Embassy on stopover in Tokyo not to talk about this explosive news with Chinese hosts as the news had not been publicized in China yet. However, at the US Liaison office cocktail reception for them, a liaison office staff slyly hint about the event. I had to pretend I was ignorant of his innuendo, although I had learned it from my fellow interpreters, staying at the Peking Hotel, via grapevine. One interpreter, who had just came back from the North East, told us about the arrest of Mao’s nephew, who was an ally of the Gang of Four. We were all excited by the significance of the downfall of the Gang of Four, but we had to pretend that we knew nothing, as news of this magnitude, had to be trickled down to the ordinary citizens after the high ranking officials and communist party members.
By the time when the delegation arrived in Shanghai, toward the end of the visit, the whole nation and the world had learned about the downfall of the Gang of Four and the changes of Chinese political leadership. Big character posters, dazibao, were posted all over the walls surrounding their hotel and everywhere, denouncing the crimes committed by the Gang of Four, and the juicy detail account of how they were arrested. It was to the delight of them, especially the political science professor from Ohio State University David M. Lampton, who with Leland Chinn, originally from Hong Kong, Research Fellow at Searle Pharmaceutical Company, would photograph all the posters they could find, and witnessed its political implication at first hand. He later became a preeminent China expert, Emeritus Chairman of the Asia Society, author of many books and articles regarding Chinese domestic, and international policies and receive numerous award for his expertise.
The direct contacts between people in scientific exchanges gradually lead to mutual understanding and trust which paved the road to normalization. The initial private contacts of Chinese American scientists, such as Nobel Laureate Chen Ning Yang and the biologist, Mann Chiang Niu of Temple University and many others were critical in helping Chinese researchers to rejoin the international scientific community. In the following two articles published in Annals of New York Academy of Science in 1998, have recounted in detail the history of the role of scientists had played in normalizing US China relations.
KATHLIN SMITH, 1998. The Role of Scientists in Normalizing U.S.–China Relations: 1965–1979, Annals of New York Academy of Sciences. Smith’s NYAS article.pdf (uoregon.edu)
RICHARD P. SUTTMEIER, 1998. Scientific Cooperation and Conflict Management in U.S.–China Relations from 1978 to the Present, Annals of New York Academy of Sciences, , Pete’s NYAS article.pdf (uoregon.edu)
[2] Ping Pong Diplomacy StudyMode.com. Retrieved 03, 2013, from https://www.studymode.com/essays/Ping-Pong-Diplomacy-1477050.html
[3] National Research Council. 1977. Oral Contraceptives and Steroid Chemistry in the People’s Republic of China: A Trip Report of the American Steroid Chemistry and Biochemistry Delegation. Washington, DC: The National Academies Press. https://doi.org/10.17226/20334
Li-chun and husband Robert Wu went back to China in 1956, and worked at the Chinese Academy of Sciences, Institute of Zoology in Beijing. She was sent down to the countryside, May seventh Cadre School in Hubei as part of the Mao’s order that intellectuals had to be re-educated. She was often called upon to be an interpreter for the visiting scientists before normalization between US and China. She and her family immigrated to US in 1979, and worked at the Life Science Division, NASA Ames Research Center. After retirement, she assisted her husband Robert in founding Nanyang Model School Alumni group in Northern California, founding Berkeley Chinese Alumni International Association, and non-profit US China Green Energy Council. She was at UC Berkeley first, before graduated from Simmons College in Boston Massachusetts.
BILLY’S COMMENTS : Li-chun and Robert were also Directors of The 1990 Institute. I admire them as an inseparable couple just like CB Sung and wife Beulah. Robert and CB are no longer with us, but Lucille and I intend to stay connected with Li-chun and Beulah for as long as possible. I deeply appreciate Li-chun’s special effort in writing this essay about US-China Friendship for my Friendshipology website. <https://friendshipology.net> Thank you, Li-chun !
I’ll admit when Billy Lee, my FF Fraternity sponsor of 30 plus years and architect of my first San Francisco home, asked that I contribute an article on “friendship,” I really had no immediate idea of what I should write about. I decided finally to use a formula that has worked for others and me in the media industry: tell a story with interesting characters.
The main character in all these true tales shall be known as Swan.
TALE ONE – A Campus Friendship
Her name was Grace and she was an engineering student at Swan’s university. Grace was originally from Taiwan where her father was a renowned basketball coach. Swan was recognized on campus for bringing the first Mandarin language course to the university. In other words, he got things done! Grace registered for the course and her easy “A.” Swan got his “B.”
Grace transferred to an Ivy League school after her first year, but kept in touch socially through friends and the Asian Students Society.
An Urgent Request
In her senior year at her new university, Grace called Swan with an urgent request: could Swan coach her for an upcoming interview for Harvard Business School. Grace said that she was horrible at interviews as she had failed miserably in getting the best internships though she had a near perfect GPA. Swan agreed to coach her and was in her dorm the following weekend.
Role-Play
Grace was always a bubbly person in an Asian sort of way. She was confident enough for school, but was less confident in other ways. Swan immediately recognized the need not only to coach by role-playing, but also to boost her confidence.
Swan role-played and reverse role-played with Grace a whole day over bottles of root beer and pizza. At the end of the day, Swan concluded she’ll be ready to interview, but more importantly, Swan had shown her how much of an achiever she was coming to America as an immigrant speaking only Mandarin and becoming an outstanding engineering student in a top Ivy League school.
She took the coaching and confidence boost to heart and was given admission into Harvard. In fact, the interviewer said, “You’re confident and you’re a good interview. Very different from other Asian ladies whom I’ve interviewed.”
TALE TWO – Helping A Stranger
It was a cold wintery day in January. Swan was a management trainee with the First National City Bank based in New York City.
The management training program was very intense. Trainees from Stanford, the Ivy Leagues dominated the group. Days began before 8am and ended well past 8pm. Lunches were eaten usually at one’s desk and dinners – if there were dinners – were reduced to 30 minutes. There was zero tolerance for submitting work late. In other words, there was no time – or interest by other trainees – to socialize.
While riding the elevator and strolling the halls to think through a problem, Swan made the casual acquaintance of Bikkit, a female accounting clerk who was originally from Hong Kong. She was a dedicated employee who did her accounts diligently each day. She had a nice Hong Kong accent. They chatted for a just a few minutes in the hallway.
Pulling the Trigger
One day when Swan decided he needed to get away from his desk and try the cafeteria, Bikkit spotted him, stopped and asked to sit down where Swan was eating his sandwich. Swan acknowledged her with a simple “hi, how’s it going” and went back to his lunch. After a taste of her own meal, she said bluntly, “You’re a management trainee, aren’t you? How did you get into the program?”
A Good Result
Rather than give her a short answer, Swan explained the value of getting a degree and encouraged her to consider going to night college. They exchanged bank extension numbers and Swan encouraged her to contact him if she needed to ask any questions. She called over a half a dozen times to arrange meetings in the bank’s cafeteria.
The meetings were always short lunches. Swan helped her pick a college for the night business undergraduate degree program and helped her with her essay.
That October, Swan transferred to Latin America, working for the International Banking Group. They stayed in limited contact by mail.
A few years later, Swan received a letter from Bikkit. The letter thanked Swan for his interest and time in guiding her. The letter also said that Bikkit was now entering an MBA program.
Tale Three – Not Lost in Translation
Tokyo’s Ginza is an incredible urban strip. On Sundays, it is more interesting with a complete ban on cars and instead tables and umbrellas for everyone to use.
As in all cities, the buskers tend to fill the streets with their talents. One particular young man, Sean, stopped by Swan’s table and tried to entertain him and his wife. Rather than brush Sean away, Swan invited him to sit down and chat.
A Big Mac Opportunity
Swan saw something in this young man immediately. Sean was multi-lingual, determined and hungry, both physically and for a job.
Swan invited him to lunch at McDonald’s. Along the way, Swan noticed what may be the only homeless man on the Ginza. Swan said to Sean, “Do you see that homeless man? Do you want to be like him.” Sean replied, “Never!”
Be-Friending
The two spoke for an hour over their Big Macs. Swan was doing most of the talking and Sean was asking most of the questions about how to find a job with no degree. Swan’s answers lit up Sean’s face.
They agreed to meet up again before Swan left Tokyo. Swan invited the young man to visit him abroad.
Thru email, Swan found out that Sean had taken his advice and found a job with a roaming Japanese TV crew who valued Sean’s ability to speak English and his fearless approach to foreigners.
Sean visited Swan 3 months later and was a completely different man who now had a job and a purpose.
To Brother Billy, to me these three tales of befriending and helping those in need are the best examples of “friendship.” Ask Swan!
About the Author
Landy Eng is a first generation Chinese-American who wrote in 1975 one of the first articles about Chinese-Americans called “Chinese in America” which is part of the collection at the Museum of Chinese Americans in New York City. A corporate person who became an entrepreneur, Landy has lived in New York, San Francisco, Beijing, Hong Kong and Singapore. He has worked in Brazil, Holland, Switzerland, China and Hong Kong. He is most content leading not-for-profit groups which help children and environment. He helped launch a half-way house for victims of human trafficking in Laos. He continues to acquire and renovate properties in the U.S. albeit without the expertise of Brother Billy.
BILLY’S COMMENTS : Landy has proven himself to be an amazing Leader in Building Collaborative Friendships. He was particularly helpful in building up the Asian Business League in San Francisco during the 1980s. He was one of the Founders of the FF. Fraternity’s Singapore Lodge in 2009, and he served as FF Fraternity’s Senior Advisor very recently.
Landy ( with Sunglasses ) surely knows how to Build Collaborative Friendships.
Through the practice of community mural art with hundreds of participants there is a miracle that happens. That miracle is a friendship, a bond between all of the participants, maybe unknowingly for some but it is there. You feel it when everyone is set and focused on their part, a harmony is observed. We may not grasp the meaning of it during the process and well beyond the completion of the mural project but it is there. I do not realize the impact the process and experience have on others until maybe much later.
For example, out of the blue twenty years later, I will get a message from a former participant, a homeless person, who needed to let me know how the experienced transformed his life and made him a better person for himself and the people around him. Just by including this person in the community process changed him.
Another time during a mural project with many youths who had little or no art in their lives. During our community mural design workshop, the youth are asked to develop a theme for their mural and draw out their ideas. One young girl said she couldn’t draw and wasn’t going to draw. I said to her that she could draw anything, that it didn’t have to look like anything, just express your emotion. She said all she could do was scribble. I said that is fine, do all the scribbles you feel like. It is okay. She was not happy with her scribbles. I suggested she color in each of the shapes the scribbles made and see what happens. She did that and it came out to be a very beautiful bright abstraction. Everyone liked it and her design became the background for the whole mural. Her whole being came alive and involved in the process. This was art transforming life. The experience made her more pleasant, happier, not negative around everyone, and encouraged her to cultivate friendship with her peers.
SUSAN KELK CERVANTES, artist, educator, veteran of the SF community mural art movement, the founding director of Precita Eyes Muralists in the Mission District of San Francisco. Established in 1977, Precita Eyes is one of only a handful of community mural arts centers in the United States creating over 600 murals locally and internationally. Cervantes is responsible for numerous collaborative community murals considered some of the finest in the Bay Area such as Leonard Flynn Elementary School, Mission Playground Pool, Precita Valley Community Center, Bayview Foundation, the S.F. Women’s Building, and many others. Through a collaborative art process Cervantes is dedicated to social change by transforming the environment and lives of the participants through the creation of community murals. In addition to studio and mural painting Susan works in various mediums including mosaic, painted ceramic tile, bronze relief and “ polyfresco” .
At age 16 Cervantes moved to San Francisco from Dallas, Texas to continue her art education at the San Francisco Art Institute in 1961 where she met her life partner visionary artist, Luis Cervantes.
In the early 70’s Cervantes was influenced by the Mujeres Muralistas, the first women’s mural collective in the Mission District. Inspired Susan continues to practice the collaborative process as a key to community awareness and positive transformation.
BILLY”S COMMENTS : As the coordinator of The 1990 Institutes’s US-China Cross-Cultural Art & Environment Projects, I had a weighty dilemma one summer. While China National Childrens’ Center in Beijing was all set to welcome the American student delegation promised by The 1990 Institute, I was unable to sign up the American studends as the Economy was bad that year and the parents all asked to cancel their pledges. I had to solve this problem quickly in order not to disappoint our Chinese partners ! Luckily, I knew about Precita Eyes Muralists in the Mission District of San Francisco, so I took a chance to approach their director Susan Kelk Cervantes. Everything turned out perfectly. Susan’s methodology was an EYE-OPENNER for China as she taught FREE-FLOWING CREATIVITY, and IMPROVIZATION in collaboration. Her compassionate encouragements won her deep respect and affection. She is still well remembered by the Chinese students and teachers from Beijing as ” A VERY VERY SPECIAL AMERICAN FRIEND & TEACHER “.
Susan Cervantes- 5th from left – with Mme Sarah Randt – wife of US Amb. to China – center
