THREE TALES OF FRIENDSHIP

THE BILLY LEE CHALLENGE

I’ll admit when Billy Lee, my FF Fraternity sponsor of 30 plus years and architect of my first San Francisco home, asked that I contribute an article on “friendship,” I really had no immediate idea of what I should write about.  I decided finally to use a formula that has worked for others and me in the media industry:  tell a story with interesting characters.

The main character in all these true tales shall be known as Swan.

TALE ONE – A Campus Friendship

Her name was Grace and she was an engineering student at Swan’s university.  Grace was originally from Taiwan where her father was a renowned basketball coach.   Swan was recognized on campus for bringing the first Mandarin language course to the university.  In other words, he got things done!  Grace registered for the course and her easy “A.”  Swan got his “B.”

Grace transferred to an Ivy League school after her first year, but kept in touch socially through friends and the Asian Students Society.

An Urgent Request

In her senior year at her new university, Grace called Swan with an urgent request:  could Swan coach her for an upcoming interview for Harvard Business School.  Grace said that she was horrible at interviews as she had failed miserably in getting the best internships though she had a near perfect GPA. Swan agreed to coach her and was in her dorm the following weekend.

Role-Play

Grace was always a bubbly person in an Asian sort of way.  She was confident enough for school, but was less confident in other ways.   Swan immediately recognized the need not only to coach by role-playing, but also to boost her confidence.

Swan role-played and reverse role-played with Grace a whole day over bottles of root beer and pizza.  At the end of the day, Swan concluded she’ll be ready to interview, but more importantly, Swan had shown her how much of an achiever she was coming to America as an immigrant speaking only Mandarin and becoming an outstanding engineering student in a top Ivy League school.

She took the coaching and confidence boost to heart and was given admission into Harvard.  In fact, the interviewer said, “You’re confident and you’re a good interview.  Very different from other Asian ladies whom I’ve interviewed.”

TALE TWO – Helping A Stranger

It was a cold wintery day in January.  Swan was a management trainee with the First National City Bank based in New York City.

The management training program was very intense.  Trainees from Stanford, the Ivy Leagues dominated the group.  Days began before 8am and ended well past 8pm.  Lunches were eaten usually at one’s desk and dinners – if there were dinners – were reduced to 30 minutes.    There was zero tolerance for submitting work late.  In other words, there was no time – or interest by other trainees – to socialize. 

While riding the elevator and strolling the halls to think through a problem, Swan made the casual acquaintance of Bikkit, a female accounting clerk who was originally from Hong Kong.  She was a dedicated employee who did her accounts diligently each day.  She had a nice Hong Kong accent. They chatted for a just a few minutes in the hallway.

Pulling the Trigger

One day when Swan decided he needed to get away from his desk and try the cafeteria, Bikkit spotted him, stopped and asked to sit down where Swan was eating his sandwich.   Swan acknowledged her with a simple “hi, how’s it going” and went back to his lunch.   After a taste of her own meal, she said bluntly, “You’re a management trainee, aren’t you?  How did you get into the program?”

A  Good Result

Rather than give her a short answer, Swan explained the value of getting a degree and encouraged her to consider going to night college.   They exchanged bank extension numbers and Swan encouraged her to contact him if she needed to ask any questions.  She called over a half a dozen times to arrange meetings in the bank’s cafeteria.

The meetings were always short lunches.  Swan helped her pick a college for the night business undergraduate degree program and helped her with her essay.

That October, Swan transferred to Latin America, working for the International Banking Group.  They stayed in limited contact by mail.

A few years later, Swan received a letter from Bikkit.  The letter thanked Swan for his interest and time in guiding her.  The letter also said that Bikkit was now entering an MBA program.

Tale Three – Not Lost in Translation

Tokyo’s Ginza is an incredible urban strip.  On Sundays, it is more interesting with a complete ban on cars and instead tables and umbrellas for everyone to use.

As in all cities, the buskers tend to fill the streets with their talents.  One particular young man, Sean, stopped by Swan’s table and tried to entertain him and his wife.  Rather than brush Sean away, Swan invited him to sit down and chat.

A Big Mac Opportunity

Swan saw something in this young man immediately.  Sean was multi-lingual, determined and hungry, both physically and for a job.

Swan invited him to lunch at McDonald’s.  Along the way, Swan noticed what may be the only homeless man on the Ginza.  Swan said to Sean, “Do you see that homeless man?  Do you want to be like him.”  Sean replied, “Never!”

Be-Friending

The two spoke for an hour over their Big Macs.  Swan was doing most of the talking and Sean was asking most of the questions about how to find a job with no degree.   Swan’s answers lit up Sean’s face.

They agreed to meet up again before Swan left Tokyo.  Swan invited the young man to visit him abroad.

Thru email, Swan found out that Sean had taken his advice and found a job with a roaming Japanese TV crew who valued Sean’s ability to speak English and his fearless approach to foreigners.

Sean visited Swan 3 months later and was a completely different man who now had a job and a purpose.

To Brother Billy, to me these three tales of befriending and helping those in need are the best examples of “friendship.”   Ask Swan!

About the Author

Landy Eng is a first generation Chinese-American who wrote in 1975 one of the first articles about Chinese-Americans called “Chinese in America” which is part of the collection at the Museum of Chinese Americans in New York City.  A corporate person who became an entrepreneur, Landy has lived in New York, San Francisco, Beijing, Hong Kong and Singapore.  He has worked in Brazil, Holland, Switzerland, China and Hong Kong.  He is most content leading not-for-profit groups which help children and environment.  He helped launch a half-way house for victims of human trafficking in Laos.  He continues to acquire and renovate properties in the U.S. albeit without the expertise of Brother Billy.

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BILLY’S COMMENTS : Landy has proven himself to be an amazing Leader in Building Collaborative Friendships. He was particularly helpful in building up the Asian Business League in San Francisco during the 1980s. He was one of the Founders of the FF. Fraternity’s Singapore Lodge in 2009, and he served as FF Fraternity’s Senior Advisor very recently.

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Through the practice of community mural art with hundreds of participants there is a miracle that happens.  That miracle is a friendship, a bond between all of the participants, maybe unknowingly for some but it is there.  You feel it when everyone is set and focused on their part, a harmony is observed.  We may not grasp the meaning of it during the process and well beyond the completion of the mural project but it is there.  I do not realize the impact the process and experience have on others until maybe much later. 

For example, out of the blue twenty years later, I will get a message from a former participant, a homeless person, who needed to let me know how the experienced transformed his life and made him a better person for himself and the people around him.  Just by including this person in the community process changed him.

Another time during a mural project with many youths who had little or no art in their lives.  During our community mural design workshop, the youth are asked to develop a theme for their mural and draw out their ideas.  One young girl said she couldn’t draw and wasn’t going to draw.  I said to her that she could draw anything, that it didn’t have to look like anything, just express your emotion.  She said all she could do was scribble.  I said that is fine, do all the scribbles you feel like.  It is okay.  She was not happy with her scribbles.  I suggested she color in each of the shapes the scribbles made and see what happens.  She did that and it came out to be a very beautiful bright abstraction.  Everyone liked it and her design became the background for the whole mural.  Her whole being came alive and involved in the process.  This was art transforming life. The experience made her more pleasant, happier, not negative around everyone, and encouraged her to cultivate friendship with her peers.

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SUSAN KELK CERVANTES, artist, educator, veteran of the SF community mural art movement, the founding director of Precita Eyes Muralists in the Mission District of San Francisco. Established in 1977, Precita Eyes is one of only a handful of community mural arts centers in the United States creating over 600  murals locally and internationally. Cervantes is responsible for numerous collaborative community murals considered some of the finest in the Bay Area such as Leonard Flynn Elementary School, Mission Playground Pool, Precita Valley Community Center, Bayview Foundation, the S.F. Women’s Building, and many others.  Through a collaborative art process Cervantes is dedicated to social change by transforming the environment and lives of the participants through the creation of community murals. In addition to studio and mural painting Susan  works in various mediums including mosaic, painted ceramic tile, bronze relief and “ polyfresco” .

At age 16  Cervantes moved to San Francisco from Dallas, Texas to continue her art education at the San Francisco Art Institute in 1961 where she met her life partner visionary artist, Luis Cervantes.

In the early 70’s Cervantes was influenced by the Mujeres Muralistas, the first women’s mural collective in the Mission District.  Inspired Susan continues to practice the collaborative process as a key to community awareness and positive transformation.

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BILLY”S COMMENTS : As the coordinator of The 1990 Institutes’s US-China Cross-Cultural Art & Environment Projects, I had a weighty dilemma one summer. While China National Childrens’ Center in Beijing was all set to welcome the American student delegation promised by The 1990 Institute, I was unable to sign up the American studends as the Economy was bad that year and the parents all asked to cancel their pledges. I had to solve this problem quickly in order not to disappoint our Chinese partners ! Luckily, I knew about Precita Eyes Muralists in the Mission District of San Francisco, so I took a chance to approach their director Susan Kelk Cervantes. Everything turned out perfectly. Susan’s methodology was an EYE-OPENNER for China as she taught FREE-FLOWING CREATIVITY, and IMPROVIZATION in collaboration. Her compassionate encouragements won her deep respect and affection. She is still well remembered by the Chinese students and teachers from Beijing as ” A VERY VERY SPECIAL AMERICAN FRIEND & TEACHER “.

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Several months ago, BIlly asked if I would write something about friendship. You would think that, given all the intervening time (slowed to molasses by Covid), I had written a book by now.  Yet, I still struggle. I spent a third of my life in Asia, and have traveled to lots of new places, made many new friends. Yet, I can’t define friendship. With each new connection, the definition is massaged into something different:

NOT ABOUT BEING JUDGEY:

In the 80s, I lived in Japan. One weekend, I was planning a party with a Canadian friend.  I had different categories for different people. There were the people I knew from church, my publishing-company colleagues, random acquaintances, Japanese people who didn’t speak English, foreigners who didn’t speak Japanese, etc. Which group should I invite?

“All of them,” my friend advised. “They may not be from the same group, but they will find a way to relate.”

And they did.

NOT ABOUT ME:

In 2000, I returned to the U.S. with my family: a husband originally from China, and our four children. Fast-forward to 2016. My youngest daughter came home from school saying her friend had called her –well, I won’t repeat it. I don’t want to give it life again. Still, as the result of the nastiness hurled at my daughter (and because she wouldn’t allow me to “make it worse” by talking to the mother), I started a blog called Bridgeoverthepacific.blogspot.com. I interviewed other Chinese-Americans to explain where they came from, why, and what amazing things they had contributed to America.

One woman I interviewed, Gerry Low-Sabado, was  a 5^th generation Chinese-American, who took me on the historical journey of her ancestors in Monterey. Everywhere we went, and I mean EVERYWHERE, she reached out to talk to others, to find out their story, to share hers. She said that she couldn’t be on a schedule, as it would restrict her ability to get to know other people. It was then I noticed quite starkly that I move with ME in mind, and am stingy with my time. I fill each minute with my own busy-ness…and talking to others gets in the way of that.

ABOUT SIMILAR VALUES

My husband and I are from very different worlds. I grew up in the midwest of America. He grew up in the south of China. I grew up eating TV dinners. He grew up eating whatever grew in the village gardens. I grew up believing in Santa Claus. He grew up believing in KuanYin. Still, despite our numerous differences, we have a similar set of basic values, similar sense of humor.  

ABOUT COMMUNICATION

When my youngest was in middle school, an online chat group of parents started. One afternoon, the chat was abuzz with a sighting of a pervert hanging around one of the bus stops. A stranger. Looked suspicious. Leered at children as they disembarked. This went on for hours. Then the man entered the chat.

 “Sorry,” this pervert said. “It was my daughter’s first day riding the bus. I wasn’t sure when she would arrive, but wanted to be there when she got off.”

I can only imagine if this communication had not happened. The spiral of panic could have led to a town council meeting with parents demanding volunteers standing guard at each bus stop.

CONSTANTLY CHANGING

Over the years, my definition of friendship has morphed in different ways, as the world and I change. These days, as I wash and fold masks for the first time in all my decades on earth, I sense that I’ve reverted back to square one.  I’m back to talking about people in categories: high risk or safe.  I’m back to judging: “Why isn’t that idiot wearing a mask?” I’m back to ignoring strangers in public—every encounter feels like a gamble. My world has been whittled down to Zoom conferences, and the occasional hike with old friends (wearing masks, walking 6 feet apart). I realize that the only definition of friendship that endures—whether it is person to person or country to country– is that of common values. Yet, I also realize that it is only by not judging, by reaching out and communicating, that I am able to discover those threads of commonality. In this strange state of the world, I will have to work overtime to do so.

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Jana  McBurney-Lin

jmcburneylin@msn.com

Accomplished writer and editor, with 32 years experience working with more than 40 different publications in seven countries. Authored two award-wining novels:

            Blossoms and Bayonets, (2012, Redwood, ISBN 9780988494008)

            My Half of the Sky, (2006, KOMENAR, ISBN 0977208117).

Fifteen years of living overseas, and extensive international travel experiences, have contributed to a well-rounded perspective from which to edit and write.  Fluent in English, intermediate knowledge of spoken Japanese and Mandarin.

PROFESSIONAL & SOCIAL AFFILIATIONS:

California Writer’s Club, member since 1999. President, 2001-05.   

  National League of American PEN Women, member since 2006

   U.S.-China People’s Friendship Assoc., member since 2007, President 2013-15

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 “Rivers do not drink their own water; trees do not eat their own fruit; the sun does not shine on itself and flowers do not spread their fragrance for themselves. Living for others is a rule of nature. We are all born to help each other. No matter how difficult it is…Life is good when you are happy; but much better when others are happy because of you.” Let us all remember then that every changing colour of a leaf is beautiful and every changing situation of life is meaningful, both need very clear vision. So do not grumble or complain, let us instead remember that Pain is a sign that we are alive, Problems are a sign that we are strong and Prayer is a sign we are not alone!! If we can acknowledge these truths and condition our hearts and minds, our lives will be more meaningful, different and worthwhile!! ☘☘☘ 

       Wishing you a blessed year ahead !

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HAPPY FRIENDSHIP WEEK! FROM ONE FRIEND TO ANOTHER Written by Andy Rooney, a man who had the gift of saying so much with so few words. Rooney has passed away but used to be on CBS’s 60 Minutes TV show : I’ve learned….That the best classroom in the world is at the feet of an elderly person.  I’ve learned….That when you’re in love, it shows.  I’ve learned ….That just one person saying to me, ‘You’ve made my day!’ makes my day.  I’ve learned….That having a child fall asleep in your arms is one of the most peaceful feelings in the world.  I’ve learned….That being kind is more important than being right.  I’ve learned….That you should never say no to a gift from a child.  I’ve learned….That I can always pray for someone when I don’t have the strength to help him in any other way.  I’ve learned….That no matter how serious your life requires you to be, everyone needs a friend to act goofy with.  I’ve learned….That sometimes all a person needs is a hand to hold and a heart to understand.  I’ve learned….That simple walks with my father around the block on summer nights when I was a child did wonders for me as an adult.  I’ve learned..That life is like a roll of toilet paper.The closer it gets to the end, the faster it goes.  I’ve learned….That money doesn’t buy class.  I’ve learned….That it’s those small daily happenings that make life so spectacular.  I’ve learned…That under everyone’s hard shell is someone who wants to be appreciated and loved.  I’ve learned….That to ignore the facts does not change the facts.  I’ve learned….That when you plan to get even with someone,you are only letting that person continue to hurt you. I’ve learned….That love, not time, heals all wounds.  I’ve learned…That the easiest way for me to grow as a person is to surround myself with people smarter than I am.  I’ve learned….That everyone you meet deserves to be greeted with a smile.  I’ve learned….That no one is perfect until you fall in love with them.  I’ve learned….That life is tough, but I’m tougher.  I’ve learned….That opportunities are never lost; someone will take the ones you miss.  I’ve learned….That when you harbor bitterness, happiness will dock elsewhere.  I’ve learned….That I wish I could have told my Mom that I love her one more time before she passed away. I’ve learned….That one should keep his words both soft and tender, because tomorrow he may have to eat them.  I’ve learned….That a smile is an inexpensive way to improve your looks.  I’ve learned….That when your newly born grandchild holds your little finger in his little fist, you’re hooked for life.  I’ve learned….That everyone wants to live on top of the mountain, but all the happiness and growth occurs while you’re climbing it.  I’ve learned….That the less time I have to work with, the more things I get done.  To all of you…Make sure you read all the way down to the last sentence. It’s National Friendship Week. Show your friends how much you care. Send this to everyone you consider a FRIEND. HAPPY FRIENDSHIP WEEK TO YOU  _____________________________________________________________ BILLY”S COMMENTS : From Googling, I learned that International Friendship Day is in July; U.S. National Friendship Week is in August; and Friendship Month for Women worldwide is in September. Okay, but for me Friendship Day is Everyday – especially Today ! BTW, my sister, Merle, and my brother, John, are amazingly supportive of my Friendshipology Website Project. Merle in fact sent me the wise quotes from Andy Rooney above. John coincidentally referred me to a N.Y.Times article, “Store Owner’s Kindness Is Paid Back When He Needed It The Most” (Friday, December 25, 2020 – P.A9 ). The story is about a kind and friendly Chineses Immigrant who owns the Army & Navy Bags store at Lower Manhattan, New York City. One of his helpful friends exclaimed in joy : I was so happy we would get to have him in our lives still.” _____________________________________________________________