Introduced by Edward Wuenschel – September 2021

https://www.theatlantic.com/projects/friendship-files/

THE FRIENDSHIP FILES

The Value of Friendships That Don’t Come Easy

“I probably wouldn’t have naturally fallen into friendship with Heather. It took a little more effort; it took a desire to really pursue getting to know someone.”

By Julie Beck

May 2004, I was fortunate to take my students from Odyssey School to
China with Billy Lee as part of an art/environment project under Institute
1990’s auspicious.
We traveled to Shanghai and Beijing as part of our tour, spending times at
schools and organizations showing our environmental art and interacting
with students.
Often there was no plan for these interactions and I jumped in and did
some ice breakers/warm ups that could mostly be done without language to
get the students to interact.
Billy has asked me if I would share some of these activities. As a
consultant at Stanford University now I use these experiences a great deal
in the trainings I currently conduct. While they are primarily for
teachers/trainers, they certainly could be adapted to anyone working with
students, particularly students possessing different languages. I hope this
audience will find some value in these activities that can lead to
FRIENDSHIP building. Or at least some fun at the Thanksgiving/Christmas
big family dinner.

Activity #1 Visual Learner or Auditory Learners?

Ask participants to raise their right hand.
Now connect the index finger to the thumb so you have a nice circle.
Place your circle on your cheek but tell them to place the circle on their
chin.
Is the group primarily visual learners or auditory learners?
Many people do the “slide from cheek to chin” move.

Activity #2 Can My Brain do Two Functions at Once?

Ask the standing group to place their hands in front of them in the ready to
clap position.
Tell the group that when you hands cross [not clapping] they are to clap.
Begin by crossing your hands and having them clap each time.

The question usually arises if when you recross your hands is that time for
claps. Yes.
Get them into a rhythm of clapping hands and then just move your hands a
few inches without actually crossing your hands and invariably people will
clap anyway.
It is good to tell the group you will buy them all a………if they can clap on
all the crosses.

Activity #3 Can You Count to Three?

Ask the standing group to divide into pairs and face each other.
Tell the group to count to three by alternating he says which number.
A; 1
B: 2
A: 3
Have them do that for about 20 seconds.
Now tell the group that instead of 1 clap their hands and don’t say 1
A; clap
B: two
A: three
Have them do this for about 30 seconds, the laughter will begin.
Now tell the group that 1 is clap and 2 is now stomp your foot.
A: clap
B: stomp
A: three
Have them do that for 30 seconds and have fun with the foul ups that
occur.

Activity #4 Is This a Stick?
Have the group form a circle and put a two foot stick (or anything else) in
the center of the circle.
Taking turns, a person goes into the circle and says, “This is not a stick”
and does something with the stick to make it something else. Puts it to his
eye and says, “It is a telescope.”

The next person coming into the circle puts the “telescope” to her eye and
says “This is not a telescope, it is a toothbrush.”
The next person comes in and picks up the stick and starts brushing his
teeth and says…and so the game continues.

__________________________________________________

Stephen K. Smuin, as former Founding Head of the Odyssey Middle School and
Nueva Middle School, is completing his 42nd year as an educator. Stephen then spent
19 years at Nueva Learning Center in Hillsborough, CA, an international recognized
elementary school for gifted and talented students and founded the middle school. He
left Nueva to become co-founder of Odyssey School, a middle school for gifted and
talented students.
Steve has taught on the elementary, high school and college level and has published
three major books: Turn Ons!; Can’t Anybody Here Write?; and More Than Metaphors.
Steve has given over 125 workshops in the United States, Canada, Japan, China and
Germany and is most proud of being invited to present at the World Gifted Conference
on two occasions.
Recently, Steve become CEO of Da Vinci Educational Consultants, which provides,
assessments, training, workshops and lectures in Japan, China and Stanford University.

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BILLY”S COMMENTS : Stephen was a Most Delightful Director to the
Chinese students and teachers in Beijing and Shanghai.. The Fun &
Sometimes A Bit Embarrassing Games quickly removed all the
ANXIETY from being STRANGERS. We should have more of these
ICE-BREAKING FUN EXERCISES. Indeed, we all should try to invent
one or two such creative games in order to understand more deeply
how FRIENDSHIP maybe be initiated.

The purpose of this group is to help middle school sixth and seventh grade
students with poor friendship skills learn specific social skills to improve peer
relationships. Group topics include identifying positive friendship qualities, learning skills to enhance conversation abilities, recognizing the importance of body language in communication, and learning how to effectively solve friendship problems. Students are referred by teachers via a form provided by the School Counselor or through discussion at a student’s CSE meeting, and the group is appropriate for those who have few friends, are shy or withdrawn or who display inappropriate social skills that hinder friendship
development. The group is formatted to be held in five 30-minute sessions, and each group is designed for approximately six students.

Offering a small group to enhance the friendship skills of middle school students is important for a variety of reasons. At this stage, friendships may be especially significant to a healthy social development because adolescents frequently look to their friends to fulfill their emotional needs as well as to practice their socialization skills (Lefrancois, 1999, p. 348). Students lacking this social network thus may not have the necessary opportunities to learn how to best interact with their peers. Furthermore, adolescents who are unable to develop quality friendships experience heightened anxiety about school (Sunwolf & Leets, 2004, p. 196). There also is evidence that inclusion in a healthy peer group predicts academic success for sixth and eighth grade students (Wentzel & Caldwell, 1997, p. 1206). School counselors are in a position to help improve the academic and social success of students who have difficulties making and maintaining positive peer relationships by designing a group to teach them specific social skills that they can use to improve peer interactions and enhance friendships.

Teaching Social Skills to Enhance Friendship
Session : What Does it Mean to Be a Friend?

Author: Emily Worsnopp
Grade Level: 6/7
Group Size: 5 students
Time: 30 minutes
Setting: Small office (counseling office or conference room) with chairs set up in a circle

Goal:
ASCA Personal/Social Standard A: Students will acquire the knowledge, attitudes, and interpersonal skills to help them understand and respect self and others.
Objective: Students will be able to identify friendship qualities and discuss basic
friendship concepts.
Materials: 1 skein of yarn.
Procedure:
Ice Breaker Activity: The Spider Web
 Begin by explaining that the group will be doing an activity to get them
thinking about what friendship means to them.
 Give the ball of yarn to one student and ask him or her to name one quality
that they consider as important in a friendship. Have the student pass the ball
of yarn to another student to continue the “web” until everyone has identified
one quality that is important to her or him. Before “cleaning up” web connect
the image of a web to friendship (interconnected, reliant upon many parts,
etc.)

Discussion: Have students continue to talk about friendship qualities. Some questions to ask include:
 Is your view of friendship the same as everyone else in the group? What is
different?
 Why is a certain quality more important to you than others?
 Are there different ways to act with different friends? (ex: acquaintances,
close friends)

 What are some easy/difficult things about maintaining friendships?
 Do they have friends that have some of these qualities?
 What do they think makes them a good friend?
Homework: Introduce the idea of homework and explain its purpose in helping to
transfer the things discussed in the group to their everyday life. Have students pay
attention to interactions that they have with their peers until the next session. What
friendship qualities do they already exhibit? Are they happy with their friendships?
What is missing (from what they do and from what others do) Have students write self observations down and keep observations in friendship folder to discuss at next meeting.
Evaluation: Students evaluated based upon their ability to identify and discuss
friendship skills.

Teaching Social Skills to Enhance Friendship
Session : Conversation and Listening Skills

Author: Emily Worsnopp
Grade Level: 6/7
Group Size: 5 students
Time: 30 minutes
Setting: Small office (counseling office or conference room) with chairs set up in a
circle

Goals:
ASCA Personal/Social Standard A: Students will acquire the knowledge, attitudes, and interpersonal skills to help them understand and respect self and others.
NYS CDOS Standard 3a: Universal Foundation Skills
NYS ELA Standard 4: Language for Social Interaction
NYS Arts Standard 1: Creating, Performing and Participating in the Arts
Objective: Students will be able to effectively initiate and maintain a conversation and understand how conversation skills are important to friendship development and maintenance.
Materials: Conversation and Listening Skills worksheet
Procedure:
Follow-Up on Homework Discussion:
 Begin by having students discuss reactions to homework from previous week.
 What did they discover? How did interactions with peers make them feel? How do they feel about their current friendships?
 Have students name one of the qualities identified in Session 2 that they
exhibited.
 Transition to new Lesson: Expanding your social network and communicating
effectively with others:

 Begin by discussing why being able to effectively start conversations and
communicate with others is essential to developing successful relationships. It is
important to know how to start, continue and end conversations for success.
 Ask student to discuss what is scary/easy about starting new conversations, and what is challenging for them about having conversations, especially with new people.
 Pass out “Conversation skills and Listening Skills” worksheet and discuss.
 Have group members role play conversation skills (ask for volunteers).
Encourage all students to participate. Ask members to come up with situations
that might be challenging for them. Examples might include meeting a new
person, asking for help, pairing up with someone for a class project.
 Have student reflect on role-play. How did it feel to be the one initiating the
conversation? Responding?

Conversation and Listening Skills

 Approach with confidence.
 Make eye contact.
 Ask questions about things that interest the other person.
 Focus on the person talking.
 Get your point across without interrupting.
 Listen and respond actively.
 Close conversation appropriately. (“It’s been nice talking”,
“See you later”)

Teaching Social Skills to Enhance Friendship
Session : Understanding Body Language

Author: Emily Worsnopp
Grade Level: 6/7
Group Size: 5 students
Time: 30 minutes

Setting: Small office (counseling office or conference room) with chairs set up in a circle
Goals:
ASCA Personal/Social Standard A: Students will acquire the knowledge, attitudes, and interpersonal skills to help them understand and respect self and others.
NYS CDOS Standard 3a: Universal Foundation Skills
NYS ELA Standard 4: Language for Social Interaction
NYS Arts Standard 1: Creating, Performing and Participating in the Arts
Objective: Students will be able to effectively demonstrate and describe positive and negative body language and relate these skills to friendship enhancement.
Materials: Body Language in Communication handout
Procedure:
Homework Review:
 Use “go around” method and ask students to share conversation experiences.
Were they able to initate conversations? What was difficult about it? What was
easy? Did they learn anything?
Transition to new topic:
 Explain the importance of body language for communicating.
 Pass out Body Language in Communication worksheet and discuss body language “dos” and “don’ts” and review worksheet. Practice body language styles on sheet, and encourage students to have fun with it, especially the “don’ts” category.
 Have students get into pairs. One pair at a time, have student briefly talk about
any topic. One person should talk and the other should demonstrate body
language “don’ts”. Have partners switch roles but now have the listener
demontrate body language “dos”. After each group has gone have students go
around the room and discuss behaviors that they noticed and how it made them
feel (as the listener and talker).
 Did members notice any ways that they (or others) use body language effectively
in the group? Go around and ask people how they think their body language
impacts how peers view them. How can body language impact friendship?
Evaluation: Students are evaluated based upon their ability to effectively describe and demonstrate appropriate and negative body language and discuss the importance of body language to friendship enhancement.

Body Language in Communication

The communication process is nonverbal as well as verbal. Behavior expresses meaning,
sometimes more clearly than words. To be effective in our relationships with others, we
need to be able to tune into body language and tone of voice. Did you know

 70% of our communication comes through our body language.
 23% of our communication is through our tone of voice.
 7% of what we communicate is through our words.

We need to pay attention to how we say things as well as what we say.

Dos Don’ts
Eyes good eye contact Stare, glare, jittery, no eye contact

Voice (volume) loud enough to be heard clearly too soft or loud

Voice (tone) tone communicates
understanding – disinterested, gruff tone, sarcastic

Facial expressions matches your own or other’s feeling; smile frown, yawn, sigh, scowl, blank look

Posture

leaning forward slightly, relaxed

leaning away, rigid,
slouching, crossing arms
Movement toward away
Distance arm’s length too close (less than 2 feet) / too far (more than five feet)

Teaching Social Skills to Enhance Friendship
Session : Problem Solving and Termination

Author: Emily Worsnopp
Grade Level: 6-8

Group Size: 5-7 students
Time: 30 minutes
Setting: Small office (counseling office or conference room) with chairs set up in a
circle

Goals:
ASCA Personal/Social Standard A: Students will acquire the knowledge, attitudes, and interpersonal skills to help them understand and respect self and others.
ASCA Personal/Social Standard B: Students will make decisions, set goals and take
necessary actions to achieve goals.
NYS CDOS Standard 3a: Universal Foundation Skills
NYS ELA Standard 4: Language for Social Interaction
NYS Arts Standard 1: Creating, Performing and Participating in the Arts
Objective: Students will be able to identify problem solving steps and apply them
effectively to solve interpersonal conflicts.
Materials: Problem Solving Steps worksheet for each student. Easel or
white/blackboard and markers/chalk for brainstorming activity.
Procedure:
 Explain to students that sometimes, even with good friends, we can encounter
conflicts with our friends that might be difficult to solve.
 Pass out Problem Solving Steps worksheet and explain that there are specific
steps that people can take to solve a problem with friends. Using these problems
can help to alleviate stress and avoid more difficult situations with friends in the
future.
 Ask students to volunteer a situation (real or imaginary) that demonstrates a
problem that friends can experience.
 After a situation has been established, work with students to help them see how
they can use the problem solving steps to solve problems with their friends. To
help with choosing the best solution, have students discuss them and role play
some possible solutions. After role plays, have the participants and group
members discuss if the scenario worked, or how a better solution can be reached.
Termination:
 Use the “go around” method to have each participant talk about what they feel
that they are best taking away from the group. Have they made progress with
making and keeping friendships? What has been useful to them? How confident
are they feeling about being able to use the skills in the group to help improve
their friendships in the future?
Evaluation: Students are evaluated based upon their ability to apply problem solving techniques to role play exercises.

Problem Solving Steps

1: Identify the problem.

2: Think of ALL possible solutions. Write them down if you can,
or talk them out with someone.

3: Think about the consequences of each possible solution. Ask
yourself “What could happen if I did this?” Think about how each
solution impacts you and others.

4: Choose the best solution.

5: Put the solution into action! If appropriate, practice the solution
with someone else before hand.

References

Brigman, G. & Goodman, B. E. (2001). Communicating with body language. Group
Counseling for School Counselors: A Practical Guide (pp. 167-168). Portland,
ME: J. Weston Walch.
Forth, S. (2004). Lesson 32: What is a healthy choice? New York State school
counselor
association comprehensive school counseling program: Middle level activity
book (pp. 73-75). New York: New York State School Counselor Association.

Hulse, C. M. (2004). Lesson 38: The spider web. New York State school counselor
association comprehensive school counseling program: Middle level activity
book (pp. 88-89). New York: New York State School Counselor Association.
Lefrancois, G. R. (1999). The Lifespan (6 th ed.). Belmont, CA: Wadsworth Publishing
Company.
Richardson, R. C. & Evans, E. T. (1996). Rules for listening. Connecting with others:
Lessons for teaching social and emotional competence, grades 6-8 (p. 82).
Champaign, IL: Research Press, p. 82.
Sunwolf & Leets, L. (2004). Being left out: Rejecting outsiders and communicating
group
boundaries in childhood and adolescent peer groups. Journal of Applied
Communication Research, 32(3), 195-223.
Waksman, S. & Waskman, D. D. (1998). Conversation Skills. The waksman social skills
curriculum for adolescents: An assertiveness behavior program (4 th ed.) (pp. 31-
35). Austin, TX:Pro-Ed.
Wentzel, K. R. & Caldwell, K. (1997). Friendships, peer acceptance, and group
membership:
Relations to academic achievement in middle school. Child Development, 68(6),
1198-1209.

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BILLY’S COMMENTS : This and the adjacent articles – ‘Suggested Questions for
Initiating a Conversation’ by GGSC and ‘Ice Breakers‘ by Stephen Smuin all focus on Methods. Indeed, TEACHING HOW is equally important as LEARNING WHY.

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Using questions to build closeness

The 36 questions activity, also known as Fast Friends,
involves pairing people together and having them take turns
answering questions that become increasingly more
personal and require more vulnerability. It has been shown
to reduce prejudice and anxiety when people from different
cultures are paired up, but it has never been used as a
classroom-wide activity in middle school.

Time Required
45 minutes each time you do this practice. 
How to Do It

1. Identify someone with whom you’d like to become closer. It could be someone you know well or someone you’re just getting to know. Although this exercise has a reputation for making people fall in love, it is actually useful for anyone you want to feel close to, including family members, friends, and acquaintances. Before trying it, make sure both you and your partner are comfortable with sharing personal thoughts and feelings with each other.

2. Find a time when you and your partner have at least 45 minutes free and
   are able to meet in person.
3. For 15 minutes, take turns asking one another the questions in Set I
   below. Each person should answer each question, but in an alternating
   order, so that a different person goes first each time. 
4. After 15 minutes, move on to Set II, even if you haven’t yet finished the
   Set I questions. Then spend 15 minutes on Set II, following the same
   system. 
5. After 15 minutes on Set II, spend 15 minutes on Set III. (Note: Each set of
   questions is designed to be more probing than the previous one. The 15-
   minute periods ensure that you spend an equivalent amount of time at
   each level of self-disclosure).

Set I

1. Given the choice of anyone in the world, whom would you want as a dinner
   guest?

2. Would you like to be famous? In what way?

3. Before making a telephone call, do you ever rehearse what you are going to say? Why?

4. What would constitute a “perfect” day for you?

5. When did you last sing to yourself? To someone else?

6. If you were able to live to the age of 90 and retain either the mind or body of a 30-year-old for the last 60 years of your life, which would you want?

7. Do you have a secret hunch about how you will die?

8. Name three things you and your partner appear to have in common.

9. For what in your life do you feel most grateful?

10. If you could change anything about the way you were raised, what would it be?

11. Take four minutes and tell your partner your life story in as much detail as possible.

12. If you could wake up tomorrow having gained any one quality or ability, what would it be?

Set II

13. If a crystal ball could tell you the truth about yourself, your life, the future, or anything else, what would you want to know?

14. Is there something that you’ve dreamed of doing for a long time? Why haven’t you done it?

15. What is the greatest accomplishment of your life?

16. What do you value most in a friendship?

17. What is your most treasured memory?

18. What is your most terrible memory?

19. If you knew that in one year you would die suddenly, would you change
anything about the way you are now living? Why?

20. What does friendship mean to you?

21. What roles do love and affection play in your life?

22. Alternate sharing something you consider a positive characteristic of your partner. Share a total of five items.

23. How close and warm is your family? Do you feel your childhood was happier than most other people’s?

24. How do you feel about your relationship with your mother?

Set III

25. Make three true “we” statements each. For instance, “We are both in this room feeling…” 

26. Complete this sentence: “I wish I had someone with whom I could share…”

27. If you were going to become a close friend with your partner, please share what would be important for them to know.

28. Tell your partner what you like about them; be very honest this time, saying things that you might not say to someone you’ve just met.

29. Share with your partner an embarrassing moment in your life.

30. When did you last cry in front of another person? By yourself?

31. Tell your partner something that you like about them [already].

32. What, if anything, is too serious to be joked about?

33. If you were to die this evening with no opportunity to communicate with anyone, what would you most regret not having told someone? Why haven’t you told them yet?

34. Your house, containing everything you own, catches fire. After saving your loved ones and pets, you have time to safely make a final dash to save any one item. What would it be? Why?

35. Of all the people in your family, whose death would you find most disturbing?
Why?

36. Share a personal problem and ask your partner’s advice on how they might
handle it. Also, ask your partner to reflect back to you how you seem to be feeling about the problem you have chosen.

You can try this practice with different people you want to develop a deeper connection with. Consider making up your own list of questions that become increasingly more personal. 

_____________________________________________

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BILLY’S COMMENTS : I am very interested in the suggested sequence for posing the
questions. It seems that we should smart lightly and increasingly become more
personal and complex.

______________________________________________

   Joshua Carpenter was saddened as the angry voices of his young friends and neighbors reached him through the open windows. Lori and Peter had only been married two years, and it sure sounded like the honeymoon was over.  Joshua knew money was tight for the young folks, but he wished they would pull together instead of blaming one another. It just made things harder for both of them.

   He so wanted Lori and Peter to grow and work together, as he and his wife had done.  He was 82 and his wife, Jenny, would have been 80 next week.  If only . . . Joshua’s thoughts drifted  back.  Times had been hard for them during the years, but they’d made out. He wished he could do something to help the young couple.  He wished he could tell them to be kind to one another, to cherish their time together.

   His gaze rested on the garbage can lying on its side by the street. Joshua got up from the porch rocking chair and walked slowly down the steps.  He quietly righted the can and picked up the things that had spilled. Then Joshua headed back to the porch.

   “You promised to help around the house, Peter. That’s all its been–promises!”  Lori’s voice came clearly to Joshua and his heart was heavy as he settled back in the rocker. “I took on that part-time job to earn extra money and I don’t have as much time as I used to. I’ve been trying to help.  What didn’t I do now?” Joshua could almost hear Peter sigh.

   “That garbage can!  That’s what.  That stray dog knocked it over and you promised to clean it up.” Joshua saw the curtain move as Lori came to the window. “Just look at that mess. ”  Lori’s voice trailed off. “Oh, Peter, you did clean it up.” “But Lori,”  Peter protested as he joined her at the window. “I’m sorry, Peter.  I’ve been so tired and worried lately and here I am taking it out on you. Please forgive me.”

   Joshua could see their shadows merge through the curtain.  He smiled as he watched them hug each other.  Their voice became a murmur as they slowly moved away from the window.

End

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BILLY’S COMMENTS :

Dede is wife of my good friend, Gordon Hammond. They both love to write and

belong to a Writing Club in Zephyrhills, Florida.

FROM THE FF BULLETIN : Bro. Mike King, Sister Karen( near 60 ), and Bro. Ryan Pei ( near 30 ) brought orchids to present to Sister Linda Tsao Yang ( near 90 ) on behalf of FF Fraternity for her recent presentation at our FF Strong Webinar. She cooked them a really tasty & nutritious lunch.

Sister Linda also shared a classic poem in a glass case. She suspects it may have inspired FF’s Chinese name. From what she described it seems very plausible.

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LESSONS LEARNED BY <FRIENDSHIPOLOGY.net> :

This is really a story about KINDNESS – doing good deeds in helping others who need help ( Mike’s helping Linda at the Zoom ), Gratitude -expressing heartfelt thanks with open embrace ( Linda’s inviting Mike to enjoy her home cooking ), Adding Meaning to the occasion ( Mike’s idea of having FF Fraternity present flowers to thank Linda and introduce one of our younger FF Brothers to join the occasion and share the FF Family Spirit. ), Earnest Respect (shown by Ryan’s travelling all the way from Stanford, while pursuing his MBA, holding a part time job, and buying flowers for Linda with his new bride’s help ), Making Everything Worthwhile ( Linda’s providing a special culinary treat, sharing lessons from her own life challenges, and showing unique Chinese Cultural treasures like that Orchid Poem which may have inspired FF’s Chinese name . As Ryan reported,” Linda also shared with us her Family Principles (家训), written 30 years prior in 1991, which included the following notable excerpts:

• “Be thrifty and hardworking. Don’t be greedy or vain. Neither arrogant nor meek, you must
  conduct yourself with honor and integrity.”
• “In the real world of work, you’ll do well when you commit yourself to learning as a lifelong endeavor, to enriching your experience and expertise and to holding yourself accountable for what you do.”
• “Human relationships are more often than not, the most challenging to deal with as you make your mark in society.”

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BILLY’ COMMENTS :

There is such Special Warmth in this Elder’s Caring and Sharing with the younger generations.

There is such Earnest Focus in learning from the Elder’s Wisdom by the Youngest member.

There is such Delight for the Middle Aged in seizing this rare opportunity- and allowing Magic to happen.

Billy further gathered some Post-event Thoughts & Sentiments from each of the participants:

The Yougest felt truly embraced and encouraged. Ryan wrote: ” Perhaps the most
memorable sharing that Linda gave was admitting to failing accounting at Columbia Business School, where she graduated with a master’s degree in 1948. As an economics major, she admitted to feeling unprepared for the world of business. Despite this modesty, her many accolades in public and private life proved just the opposite. From her appointment by President Clinton to serve as Executive Director to the board of Asian Development Bank in Manila from 1993 to 1999, to her run as Chair of the Asian Corporate Governance Association in Hong Kong, Linda didn’t let one bad grade keep her from reaching unbelievable heights. I can’t wait for the
next visit. Hope to visit Linda again before the year ends. “

The Middle Aged wrote about Linda : “We were treated like Family. Karen and I were struck by her lifelong commitment to public service, while maintaining a very strong adherence to her principles and integrity. Her courage in the face of adversity throughout numerous times of her life was truly impressive. She’s not physically a tall woman, but she is a true giant in spirit! We will always remember and treasure this visit.” Indeed, Karen told me emphatically again at the FF Picnic last week , “ I wish more Young Women will have an opportunity to meet Linda. “

The Elder truly had the Future Generations and F.F. Family in her heart and mind. Linda wrote :

Dear Billie,
Mike, and Ryan are Yuelin’s FF brothers; Karen his FF sister.  All family to him.
So family to me too. Very happy they liked my simple home cooking.

I appreciate their generous compliment of me.  But whatever I achieved in my life, I owe it to my mother. She gave me my life. She also taught me and taught me well that it’s not wealth nor fame  but what I make of my life that counts.  She encouraged me to commit myself to learning as a lifelong endeavor, to hold myself accountable for what I do . Above all, I must conduct myself with honor and integrity. No excuses.

My mother’s teaching has done well for me. And this is what I would like to pass on to our younger generation. 
Linda

BILLY CONCLUDED: It’s so important that we encourage each other to make special efforts to Promote and Nurture Cross-Cultural & Cross-Generational Relationships and Friendships which we shall forever remember as “ WONDERFUL GOOD FEELINGS TO BE TREASURED “.

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Billy approached Sophie on July 17, 2021

Dear Ms. James,

I was impressed by your The Astronomer and The Sea project in

today’s issue of Dezeen.

I am an 89-yr-old retired architect who still has naive questions

occasionally about what our goals are in our professional pursuits..

Lately, I have posed a question to myself: ” Can Architecture induce

compassion ? ” I find that your The Astronomer and The Sea “

seems to have a certain quality that inspires.

I love to hear your thoughts if you can spare the time to write to me.

Cheers and thanks !

Billy Lee

<https://friendshipology.net>

promoting Friendship

Sophie James repied on July 30th :

Dear Billy,

Thank you so much for getting in touch, it is amazing to know that my work has reached so far! I am so glad that you enjoyed the sample of my project – The Astronomer and the Sea – it is a project that brought me a lot of joy to work on. I have attached my final presentation in its entirety if you would like to have a look.

Throughout my three years of studying architecture, I have been amazed by its ability to open up conversations and questions such as the one posed by yourself. Compassion became a key theme in The Astronomer and The Sea – how could architecture begin to evoke an emotional response to the climate crisis? The project itself took inspiration from my dissertation essay in which I explored how events are remembered and commemorated and how spaces take on the memories of their traumas. The spaces can then become an emotional tie for those affected or a truthful insight for generations to come. This line of enquiry lead me down the path of Daniel Libeskind and his use of voids in the Jewish Museum Berlin. Bringing this thinking into my project, I incorporated void spaces which stripped back all views to focus the visitor’s eye and mind towards the sky.

A similar thread has run through many of my projects, dealing with notions of history and memory – whether that be locational or sociological memory. A previous project of mine dealt with the idea of storytelling as a means of remembrance. In short, people visiting the proposal were encouraged to write notes and memories on seeded paper which could then be ‘planted’ on a communal wall. Once the seeds within the paper had flowered, a live wall of the people’s memories and stories would appear – In a way I feel like this approach begins to induce compassion through architectural proposal, maybe the compassion is encouraged through the collective nature of remembrance. I would hope that seeing the communal live wall and the memories that had been shared would encourage others and make them feel comfortable enough to add their own memories, engaging withe the remembrance process. Whilst this maybe is not purely the architecture encouraging the compassion but rather the activity within it, the act of storytelling and the collection of memories were so integral to and embedded within the architecture that I feel one would not exist without the other. The project named ‘The Photosynthesis of Memory’ is included in my online portfolio – https://www.instagram.com/sophie.james.architecture/ – I would love to hear your thoughts.

Sorry for my delayed response, I felt I needed to give your question the time it deserved. I look forward to hearing from you,

sophie.james.architecture

Sophie James

3rd Year Architecture Student
Plymouth, UK
@soph.l.j

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The Power of Friendships:
When the UN Race to Zero asked for signatories and support from the architecture and planning community it was not out of friendship – they received few signatories. 
When Architecture 2030 asked for signatories and support for the 1.5 degC Communiqué from the architecture and planning community, we sent out a personal note to each of our friends and colleagues in our community, and every one of them signed up to demonstrate their support (see the 1.5 degC Communiqué and signatories here).  Warm regards,Ed

Edward Mazria, FAIA FRAIC Architecture 2030
p  505|988|5309 w architecture2030.org

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BILLY’S COMMENTS:

When I wrote to congratulate Ed yesterday, I also asked if he could write a few lines about Friendship in his Architecture 2030 experience. He responded instantly.

The key words in his comment were ” We sent out a personal note to each of our friends and colleagues in our community.” The POWER was indeed from PERSONAL CONNECTIONS or FRIENDSHIPS.

Ed and I were colleagues at Edward Larabee Barnes, Architects, NYC.near fifty years ago. We kept in touch only on rare occasions – last time we met was almost 20 years ago when he came to lecture at Stanford University. I have always admired his ambitions and his dedication to higher achievements with HIGH PURPOSES. It’s not at all surprising to me that he was awarded the 2021 AIA Gold Medal. My sincere congratulations to him.

The POWER in our Friendship comes from MUTUAL RESPECT and continued GOOD WILL towards each other. His ARCHITECTURE 2030 definitely provides me inspirations, and I in return will promise to help promote his Most Urgent Global Mission: CCC – Control Climate Change.

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I have been doing informal research on Friendship & Friendshipology for quite a few years now.  At the same time I tried to arouse interest among my friends and people who frequently connect with me in different situations. I thought long ago that I must challenge my professional colleagues to think more about Friendship & Friendshipology as we design buildings and spaces that effect people’s daily lives. I came up with the idea on asking ourselves, “ What is Friendly Architecture, and Can Architecture Induce Compassion ? “.

From my research so far, I can show many samples on Friendly Architecture, butI have not yet found any sample of Inspiring Architecture that can for certain induce Compassionate Actions. Induce Compassionate Feelings maybe. I thought of Germany’s Cologne Cathedral’s feeling of exaggerated verticality with pointed gothic arches and the colorful stain-glass window atop the sanctuary. I thought of  Hagia Sophia Mosque in Istanbul. I thought of  the Zen Garden in Ryoan-ji Temple in Kyoto, Japan. – as well as Lou Khan’s Salk Institute’ outdoor plaza in La Jolla, California

With my professional colleagues, we mostly focus on the “HOWs” as “How to Design Friendly Architecture” after first identifying  “ What is Friendly Architecture”.  In whatever we do in life, the “HOWs” are what ultimately determine the Resultant Impacts.

For this essay, may I ask you to join me in analyzing just two photos below :

May we first agree that these photos show  “What Seems To Be Friendly Architecture ? I think what makes them look friendly is first their CALMNESS – Peaceful , Non-stressful. Then I think it’s their OPENNESS.  They seem to Welcome and Embrace You. They are CLEAR, easy to understand and to build trust together.  They seem to be DIGNIFIED yet INTERESTING.  It stirs our own Imaginations. They are GRACEFUL. You feel Comfortable entering into their space.

I leave the real challenge on the “HOW” to you – especially on HOW TO MAKE FRIENDS and promote FRIENDSHIP & FRIENDSHIPOLOGY .  Cheers with Best Wishes !

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Kimberly Carlisle’s experience as an international swimmer for the United States, including the 1980 Olympic Games, informed her humane and global perspective from a young age, as did her deep sense of racehorses as fellow athletes. She is a passionate advocate and activist for human awakening to our impact on animals, the planet and each other. Through writing, speaking, photography and filmmaking, she tells stories that restore understanding, respect, compassion and empathy among all beings. Kimberly is a graduate of Stanford University and lives on Flag Ranch (flagranch.org), a sanctuary in northern California that is also home to a herd of more than 50 horses, 11 hens, three cats, two dogs, two roosters, a large and loveable spotted pig, and one very sunny goat. 

Kimberly Carlisle is the Co-Founder (with Flag, of course) and Executive Director of Flag Ranch. http://www.flagranch.org , a horse + human collaboratory in California.

Synergy Studios   A creative + strategic collaborator
Flag Ranch Media  Check out our new film: MorningStarfilm.org

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Cross-Species Friendship: A Goat Who Loved His Herd (of Horses)

Five years ago, we had to move our herd of 27 rescued horses as the property we were leasing had been sold. It would prove to be a harrowing, multi-stop journey until we finally found home, but we picked up a few gifts along the way. One of them was a remarkable black-and-white goat named Billy.

Billy had been left behind at the ranch that was our first stop, along with a few chickens and a llama. Whether it was his fear or his choice, no one could catch nor touch Billy. Our first horse to arrive was Flag, along with our blind mare, Caramel, and her mother, Tessa. No sooner were they settled into their paddock than Billy came around a corner and made a beeline for Flag and became an instant guardian to Caramel.

As more of the herd arrived, Billy made his rounds, reaching his small nose to their large muzzles, nudging his forehead to their chests. As the days and weeks passed, he stayed in the herd at his will, eating what they ate, standing under their bellies when it rained, with clearly no need nor desire for human care or interaction.

When it was time to move, I called the woman who had left him behind. “If he gets on our trailers, he’s coming with us.” “Okay” she replied, “but he won’t.” And he did. He wouldn’t get on the first trailer with Caramel, but when it was time to board Flag, Billy hopped in alongside him.

At our next way station, the herd would be separated into two groups – the younger more able-bodied members would be in a rugged pasture that sat below a plateau where Flag, Caramel and a few others with physical challenges would be housed in temporary paddocks. When the trailer door opened to the lower pasture, Billy ran out to greet each herd member. Then he followed Flag and me up the hill and chose to stay in the paddock with Flag.

A few weeks later, our new home finally appeared and it was time to move the herd. Once again Billy boarded the trailer with Flag. A short ride later, Billy and Flag were exploring their new pasture together. This property was large – 100 acres – with old cattle fencing that Billy could have easily wriggled through and gone anywhere he wanted. He could come and go from the barns and paddocks at will – we offered him shelter and special goat feed, but he refused it, choosing to live 24/7 on the land with the herd.

We knew the horses were protecting him from the coyotes who frequented our pastures at night, but we didn’t know how until one day two rogue dogs trespassed our acreage and began to chase Billy. We ran after the dogs who were running after Billy, but before we could reach them, the horses went into action: half the herd surrounded Billy while the other half chased off the dogs.

One day last fall, Billy came to the pasture gate uncharacteristically out of sorts – he wouldn’t eat, he was bloated and visibly in pain, and he had chosen to leave his herd. We rushed him to UC-Davis where they discovered he had a tumor larger than his heart sitting right next to it. With broken hearts, we had no choice but to help him transition. The vets estimated he was just shy of 10 years old, a good life for a goat.

We ask ourselves often – did we do right by Billy? We’ve been told goats must have shelter from the rain, they must have special supplements, they must not eat (much) alfalfa (we feed our horses primarily grass hay), or they will die. For his five years with us, Billy lived as naturally as a domestic goat can, entirely at choice. He would eat hay with the herd, and he would come up to the barn most days with some of the elders to share their buckets of mash. He was fine, until he wasn’t. And when he wasn’t, he let us know.

We have a new goat now, Sunshine, who came as a companion to another one of our blind horses. Sunshine is a goat of a different color, truly, with unique preferences and needs. He is clear, too, with whom he wants to be and what he is here to do, which affirms Billy’s choices and our support of them: he lived a life true that was true to him, on his own terms.

Flag passed on a few years before Billy did, at the age of 34, an extraordinarily long life for a horse. It comforts me to know he and Billy might be together again.

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BILLY’S (BILLY LEE”S) COMMENTS :

Summer 2004, via The 1990 Institute, I arranged for a delegation from Hillview Middle School from Menlo Park, Ca. to visit CNCC ( China National Children’s Center ) in Beijing to paint a Mural together with Chinese children. We called the project “Xin Xin Jiao” or “ Heart to Heart Bridging”.  Kimberly, a Hillview parent , joined the traveling delegation and returned with amazing video shots that impressed everyone.  One part showed the students’ from the two counties first lined up opposite each other. Then they closed their eyes, with hands stretched out while moving slowly towards each other. This deeply moved and emotionally effected both the Chinese as well as the U.S. parents . Some were all smiles. Some were immersed in deep thoughts. A few were in tears. They all seemed  to be imagining a Possible Better World for the Next Generation. She truly captured a Magic Moment.

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