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MR. YIHUA XU’s RESPONSE TO  STERLING HARWOOD”S ‘The DARK SIDE OF FRIENDSAHIP’– June 11. 2025

~ Billy

I’ve finished reading the latest post for several times to make sure I grasped the idea.

It is indeed a much darker piece, and I see the different “layers” or “aspects” of “friendship” it conveys. And I agree with Harwood’s statement:

“Relying on mere friendship to get us out of this mess is, as a piece of friendly advice from me to you, naïvely and overly optimistic in a way that brings us right back to the critical thinking of Voltaire’s Candide. “

I’m an engineer and engineers have this habit of looking at or analyzing things in a more “cold blooded” scientific or “data driven” way.

Thus I look at this humanly term “friendship” in a way that — it is just a mutual emotional “deposit” and “withdrawal” interactions and dynamics between two human beings (or animals). It is part of the evolution to ensure the bigger goal of the entire species — whichever species evolve to have the least selfish or destructive behavior; it is more likely to survive long on earth.

Whenever we show kindness or help someone, it is a gesture of “depositing” something good into that person’s mind; whenever we do something bad to someone, it is also a gesture of “depositing” something bad into that person’s mind.

Humans (or more broadly, animals) are “mirrors” to each other — when someone did something good to me, I feel the need to pay him back; when someone did something bad to me, I want him pay too.

This comes (or evolved) no surprise, because this mirroring “Tit-for-tat” (or “deposit/withdraw”) behavior is actually the best strategy according to the Game Theory:

With this mental model set, we could now easily explain all the possible combinations or dynamics between all these layers or aspects or interactions in “friendship” — with some simple idea also brought from banking/economy:

Imagine there are A & B,

A continuously deposits lots of good things (love, money, education) into B;

Imagine B is the “bank” of A; Could A _not_ expect any return from B but just pure “investment”?

And if A _is_ in the end expecting some return, what is his expected “interest rate” or “ROI / Return On Investment”?

Is this expected “return” from A aligned with B’s or B’s capability to *deliver* that level of return?


Should B return less (lower interest rates) or pause returning when he is in more difficult situations — is that reasonable?

Should B return more when he is more capable, and in another tit-for-tac, A should also invest more? How much is “more”?

If B somehow not returning (or simply not able to return) “enough” according to A, was A exploited? Or Should A feel exploited?…

We could easy ask tons of questions and quickly they would just cover all the “aspects” or “layers” of “friendship”.

Just like the central bank raising or lowering “interest rates” — As Warren Buffet once said: “interest rates are like gravity”, during this mutual deposit-withdrawal, tit-for-tac interactions between human beings, the “interest rates” and the expected vs. actual acts like gravity curves the spacetime between A & B, this determined whether this “relationship” or “friendship” is a healthy one like the moon orbiting the earth, planets orbiting the sun; or collide and collapsed into a black hole.

On the other hand, with regards to the topic of God and time — I’m not religious despite my parents believe in Buddha 🙂 — I’m long fascinated by Einstein’s theory of relativity, which suggests that time is not a linear progression but rather a dimension of spacetime, implying that the past, present, and future exist simultaneously.

For example: when right here right now we stare deep into the night sky, we are actually seeing the “past” of many stars, their dying lights are just able to reach into our eyes after so long a journey in the universe or spacetime. And there are all the fancy phenomena about time dilation when objects speed up…

Hope all these fun thinking brings some amusement to you. Have a nice day!

Best,

Yihua ( From Beijing – June 11, 2025 )

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BILLY’s RESPONSE to YIHUA’s LETTER:

To me, YIHUA, you have been, most caring, kind, helpful, and “TOTALLY WARM BLOODED “

Cheers  with warm affection always,

Billy – June 11, 2025

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Thank You, Larry & Cyndi You are Ideal Models for < Friendshipology.net > I must show your letter to All my other dear Friends

~ Billy

Love, Billy

Larry Chang Wrote December 17, 2024

Bill and Lucille,

We missed a number of recent FF events; did not get the opportunity to catch up with you.  After the new year, Cyndi will plan to serve you lunch at your home again.  We always enjoy intimate conversations with you.

Our travel highlight of the year was the week-long reunion with many of our HP colleagues in the South of France.  Coming from all over the world, 23 colleagues along with their spouses (39 in total) re-connected our friendship during the first week of June.  We shopped at the local farmer’s market; we learned from local cheese makers; we hiked to ancient castles; we toured the Valrhona chocolate museum; we cooked for each other; we toasted with fine French wine and robust German beer; we marveled at endless lavender fields in bloom; we chatted well past the morning wee hours each evening.  Even though we have not seen each other for 15-20 years, we embraced each other (and their spouses) as if we were family and friends forever. 

Wish you and your family a joyous holiday season, and a new start to a new year.  

Larry and Cyndi

        

AN ADMIRABLE OUTREACHING AND CARING CROSS-CULTURAL TEACHER & CONNECTOR -by Billy 2024

~ Billy

My dear friend, Winny Lin, fellow board member at USCPFA-South Bay Chapter, made an impressive presentation at the 50th Anniversary US-China People’s Friendship Association’s Washington DC Seminar this October, 2024.

She first pointed out the unfavorable opinion the Americans have towards China today, but she felt that Better Understanding and Relationship can still be achieved and encouraged via Education and she is presently using Outschool an online education platform to conduct her class. Her first online was  called ‘Introduction to China”. She has designed two special Mandarin Chinese classes – one for 5-10 years olds an another for 11-16 years olds. She loves to teach language through culture and create lots of fun and interactive lessons.  Many of her students are from the United States, but some from Russia, Wales, Israel, the United Kingdom, Ireland, Indonesia, Germany, Canada, and New Zealand. So far , after 3+ years, she has taught 1,482 learners, and many  students and parents have “liked” her classes.

She said,” When we start class, they stand up, bow to the teacher, and then sit down just like the students in China do. They follow directions and do homework. The older ones, in the 11-16 year-old sections even do research after class. The more I expect them to do, the happier they are. People have asked me why so many students wanted to take Mandarin Chinese. From my observation, and a survey of my students in class. the reasons are: It seems cool and trendy to know some Chinese or just another language. Many students have watched some TV shows (Over the Moon), movies (like Mulan and Kung Fu Panda), and became interested in China.

“The materials I have covered are:

Four major Chinese holidays (Chinese New Year, the Lantern Festival, the Dragon Boat Festival and the Mid-autumn Festival).

Customs and traditions (what Chinese eat, wear, do on all these holidays and most, importantly, the Chinese way of thinking).

History, art, and geography (for example, the first emperor :Qin Shi Huang, the Yuan Dynasty, the terra cotta warriors, Chinese porcelain, the Yellow River, Tibet, and major cities such as Beijing, Shanghai Guilin and Xi’an) .

Chinese poetry (Li Bai’s Quiet Night, 凉州词）and Chinese traditional music instrument (the er hu, zheng, and moon guitar).

Chinese songs (你笑起來真好看， 茉莉花) and stories, such as the Monkey King, Kung Fu Panda, and Chinese ghost stories.

The Olympics, what sports are popular in China, and the Chinese school system, including information about the gao kao, college entrance examination .

This year, the Year of the Dragon, I took a group of eight to Ygnacio Valley Elementary School in Concord, California to help them celebrate Chinese New Year. These eight included two classically trained artists, graduates from Guangdong Art Institute, and two Chinese calligraphers. We did drawings of Chinese dragons, storytelling of “The Story of Nian,” and wrote a Chinese character, “good luck 福” . This school has about 400 students, and the majority are Latinos. The fun part was when the principal led the Chinese dragon dance through the whole school. The students were very excited. Also, they took home red envelopes with lucky money, with a note in Spanish telling what the lucky money meant.

In 2023, for the Year of the Rabbit, my church, Walnut Creek Presbyterian Church, celebrated the Lunar New Year with about 200 participants. We had three Chinese artists, set up booths for the Chinese zodiac and paper folding. We also had a Chinese dragon dance, rabbit line dance and storytelling.

I have also brought Chinese educators from Anshan, China in 2016 to Wren Ave. Elementary School in Concord. They taught students Chinese games and told students about Chinese schools through PowerPoint presentations.”

This reminds me of what I did in the last 40 years before we moved to California. I have connected schools in China with several districts in Kentucky. Not just one class, or one school, but several school districts (Daviess County Public Schools, Owensboro Catholic Schools, Henderson Schools, Lewis port Public Schools, Evansville Christian School) . As a result, students came all the way from Anshan, China to visit their pen pals in Kentucky. Therefore, thousands of students have been introduced to China and Chinese culture.

My husband and I also volunteered in Asheville, North Carolina for three summers at My Camp China, which is a program for Chinese children who have been adopted by American families. The older ones are already married and in their late 20s. Above all, I am most proud of this group that I started teaching in 1998 at First Presbyterian Church in Owensboro, Kentucky. Through the years, these 2- or 3-year-old Chinese children, especially girls, adopted by American families have studied Chinese language and culture from me, and are now in their mid-twenties. One of the mothers , Beth Hubbard, has become the president of Owensboro/Henderson Chapter, of USCPFA, and another parent, Carol Gehret, is the chapter treasurer. Beth’s daughter, Lily, has become a leader and activists for Asian Americans at her college, the University of Southern Indiana. Others have shown Chinese influence in their area of work.

You see, when you sow seeds everywhere, you don’t know where they may germinate, but somehow you can expect a “ harvest”

Several parents reached out to me. They brought their children to participate in my presentation—Aarya, (10) from DC, Vivian (8), Max (11) both from Minnesota and Oliver (15) from Seattle. I have given them Chinese names 雷伊洁， 文伊敏， 文可明， 白可明。By looking at the middle characters, you can tell we all are in the same family tree. That is our Chinese custom. 男的排”可” , 女的排 “伊” .

During my hour long presentation, they all got a chance to shine—Aarya recited 涼州詞, brother Max and sister Vivian recited 靜夜思, while Oliver gave a long speech what China meant to him. 他们都说的字正腔圆。and made me very proud.

Oliver said, “當我第一次來林老師的課堂時,我什麼都不懂, 但是這三年來, 我的中文進步很多,現在中國在我的生命當中,意義重大!” “When I first attended your class, I did not understand anything, but after three years my Chinese improved. Now China means a lot in my life.”

Both he and his mother joined our South Bay chapter and attended Washington Seminar for 3 days. We even visited Chinese-American Museum in DC, and attended the 50th anniversary of US-China People’s Association at China Embassy as guests of honor. All are so unforgettable! Many people now are following Oliver and want to see what he will do in the future!”

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Winny Lin, Board of Director at USCPFA- South Bay Chapter, was born in Guilin, China, but grew up in Taiwan. In 1971, she came to the U.S. to attend Illinois State University. She earned a master’s degree in special education and then taught for more than 50 years in Kentucky and California public schools before teaching Mandarin Chinese on Outschool,

Billy is a great fan and admirer of this dynamic cross-cultural connector and teacher. She is always smiling and always reaching out with joy, enthusiasm, and caringness.

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