In May 2015 I was asked to take a group of Spanish students to visit the redwood forest in Anderson Grove near Healdsburg, California.  The students were sophomores from the University of Navarra in Pamplona, Spain.  Most of them had not previously visited the United States and none had been in a redwood forest.  They were typical of the 18- and 19-year-old students  whom I had taught at Berkeley.

            When we arrived at the parking lots at Anderson Grove they piled out of the vans and clustered in small groups intently engaging in conversation.  Some who were not engaged in conversation were texting on their cell phones or taking picture.  I lined the students up in single file and walked them passed the entrance kiosk and into the forest.  We walked about 100 yards accompanied by a cacophony of their conversation.  Many of the students were also texting and taking pictures.  Stopping the group, I told them I wanted them to experience the forest on a basic level and that I thought their conversation, texting, and photography would interfere with that level of experience.  Then I asked them to turn their cell phones off and give them to me.  Some students seemed very reluctant to give up their cell phones.  They looked pained by my request.  Having obtained their cell phones, I asked them to walk alone through the forest to an opening about ¼ mile further along the trail.  I asked them to stay 50 feet apart and not engage in any conversation with other students. This was to insure that they would have a more or less individual experience of walking through the redwoods. 

            The students walked individually through the beautiful grove of ancient trees.  When we all assembled in the small clearing at the end of the walk, I gave each student a piece of paper and asked them to write a list of words to describe how they felt while walking through the redwoods.  After 5 minutes each student read the words he or she had written down.  These included the following words, some of which  appeared on several of the student’s lists: “peaceful”, “calm”, “reverent”, “sublime”, “relaxed”, “comfortable”, “happy”.       I too had experienced many of these feeling walking alone through redwood forests.  The silence and majesty of the trees always melted away the anxiety and trivia that cluttered my mind.  Any sense of my problems seemed insignificant in the presence of the age-old, giant trees.  Being among them made me feel at peace with myself, the world and happy.

            I returned the student’s cell phones and invited them to walk back to our vans in the parking lot.  The cacophony of conversations, texting, and photographing returned as we walked back.  But I was glad they had experienced a special level of happiness in the redwood forest.

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SPECIALIZATIONS Vegetation and ecological analysis; urban forestry; historic landscape restoration.

BIOGRAPHY: Professor McBride’s current research involves projects on (1) the effects of urban forests in the reduction of air pollution in China, (2) the composition, structure, and function of urban forests in different biomes, (3) the role of fire in riparian woodlands of the Sierra Nevada, and (4) wind patterns, micro-climates, and windthrown hazard in urban areas.

AWARDS + RECOGNITION: Merit Award for Stanford University Vegetation Management Plan. ASLA. 1983 Resources Preservation Award for San Francisco Presidio Study. National Resources Council. 1987Distinguished Teaching Award. University of California. 1991Carl Alwin Schenck Award for Distinguished Teaching. Society of American Foresters. 1992Honor Award for Sutro Baths Historic Restoration Plan. ASLA. 1993Donald P. Gasser Award for Distinguished Contributions to Forestry Education. University of California. 1997 and 2007Fellow Society of American Foresters. 1997Seal of the College of Natural Resources. University of Tehran. 1999Research Award International Society of Arboriculture – 2003 Elected Member of the Chinese Academy of Forestry – 2004Keynote Speaker – Annual Meeting of the International Society for Arboriculture. Honolulu, Hawaii. July 2007Outstanding Field Course Teaching Award, College of Natural Resources, University of California, 2008Keynote Speaker – Ohio Conference on Urban and Community Forestry. Ohio State University. Columbus, Ohio. October 2009The Outstanding Educator Award. Council of Educators in Landscape Architecture, 2009The California Preservation Foundation Award for “Restoration of the Gardens on Alcatraz Island” – 2009Keynote Speaker – International Conference on Urban Forestry in Challenging Environment. Beijing Forestry University. Beijing, P.R.C., September, 2010Best in Practice Award, Northern California APA – San Francisco Better Streets Plan, 2010Charter Award, Congress for New Urbanism – San Francisco Better Streets Plan, 2011AWARDS + RECOGNITION

JOE’S PHILOSOPHY & MANY PUBLICATIONS CAN BE GOOGLED

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BILLY’s COMMENTS: In July 1997, Prof McBride and Dean Harrison Fraker led a team of five members from UC Berkeley’s College of Environmental Design on a five day visit to Ningbo, China – Billy’s ancestral home. They consulted with the Ningbo City Government on how to develop a model urban design plan for simultaneous achievement in both economic development and environmental protection strategies . Prof Joe McBride and Dean Fraker led the Berkeley Team. A year later The 1990 Institute, UC Berkeley, and Ningbo City jointly submitted a proposal to ADB ( Asia Development Bank ) via China’s Central Planning Office. Although the master proposal, which focused on priorities in development sequences, was rejected due to ADB’s switch in policy in funding only actual construction projects instead of planning studies. Prof. McBride obtained a separate grant to do a Urban Forest Study for Ningbo. Poeple generally all respect Joe and appreciate his firm and thoughtful caringness. He is forever a DEAR FRIEND if not your BEST FRIEND.

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From Charlie Chaplin: ONE Good FRIEND is equal to ONE Good Medicine…! Likewise, ONE Good Group is equal to ONE Full medical store…! Six Best Doctors in the World…. 1.Sunlight, 2.Rest, 3.Exercise 4.Diet, 5.Self Confidence & 6.Friends. _______________________________________________________  “A friend is someone who understands your past, believes in your future, and accepts you just the way you are.” – Unknown   “Don’t expect your friends to be perfect. Just expect them to be your friends. – Unknown   “Friendship is the hardest thing in the world to explain. It’s not something you learn in school. But if you haven’t learned the meaning of friendship, you really haven’t learned anything.” – Muhammad Ali   “If ever there is tomorrow when we’re not together… there is something you must always remember. You are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think. But the most important thing is, even if we’re apart… I’ll always be with you.” – Winnie the Pooh   “Growing apart doesn’t change the fact that for a long time we grew side by side; our roots will always be tangled. I’m glad for that.” – Ally Condie   “One’s friends are that part of the human race with which one can be human.” – George Santayana   “Be slow to fall into friendship; but when thou art in, continue firm & constant.”’ – Socrates   “Let us be grateful to the people who make us happy; they are the charming gardeners who make our souls blossom.” – Marcel Proust   “You can always tell a real friend: when you’ve made a fool of yourself he doesn’t feel you’ve done a permanent job.” – Laurence J. Peter   “Friends are those rare people who ask how we are and then wait to hear the answer.” – Ed Cunningham   “The most beautiful discovery true friends make is that they can grow separately without growing apart.” – Elisabeth Foley   “Lots of people want to ride with you in the limo, but what you want is someone who will take the bus with you when the limo breaks down.” — Oprah Winfrey   “When you stop expecting people to be perfect, you can like them for who they are.” – Donald Miller   “A true friend is someone who thinks that you are a good egg even though he knows that you are slightly cracked.” – Bernard Meltzer   “Sometimes being a friend means mastering the art of timing. There is a time for silence. A time to let go and allow people to hurl themselves into their own destiny. And a time to prepare to pick up the pieces when it’s all over.” –Octavia Butler “The best time to make friends is before you need them.” – Ethel Barrymore   “Truly great friends are hard to find, difficult to leave, and impossible to forget.” – Unknown   “Don’t walk in front of me; I may not follow. Don’t walk behind me; I may not lead. Just walk beside me and be my friend.” – Albert Camus   “Each friend represents a world in us, a world possibly not born until they arrive, and it is only by this meeting that a new world is born.” – Anais Nin   “A friend knows the song in my heart and sings it to me when my memory fails.” – Donna Roberts   It is one of the blessings of old friends that you can afford to be stupid with them. Ralph Waldo Emerson   Walking with a friend in the dark is better than walking alone in the light. Helen Keller   I support you; you support me. I am in this world to offer you peace; you are in this world to bring me joy. Thic Nhat Hang   There is nothing on this earth more to be prized than true friendship. Thomas Aquinas A friend is someone who gives you total freedom to be yourself. Jim Morrison Friends are people who know you really well and like you anyway. Greg Tamblyn   Friendship is, a long journey through the hills and valleys of life. Unknown   Friends are the most important ingredient in the recipe called life. Unknown   If you have good friends, no matter how much life is sucking , they can make you laugh. P.C. Cast   The greatest good you can do for another is not just to share your riches but to reveal to him his own. Benjamin Disraeli   The most I can do for my friend is simply be his friend. Ralph Waldo Emerson   One of the most beautiful qualities of true friendship is to understand and to be understood. Seneca Close friends are truly life’s treasures. Sometimes they know us better than we know ourselves. With gentle honesty, they are there to guide and support us, to share our laughter and our tears. Their presence reminds us that we are never really alone. Vincent van Gogh   We can live without religion and meditation, but we cannot survive without human affection. Dalai Lama   Friendship involves many things but, above all the power of going outside oneself and appreciating what is noble and loving in another. Thomas Huxley The best things in life aren’t things… they’re your friends. Unknown   Friendship with oneself is all important because without it one cannot be friends with anybody else in the world. Eleanor Roosevelt   To have a friend and be a friend is what makes life worthwhile. Unknown _________________________________________________________

This summary was written in response to a request by my friend, Billy Lee who asked me to write the story. I was telling Billy about friendship or lost friendship.  i.e. it may be considered a case of how to lose a friend.  Exact names and locations are somewhat different but the story is exactly the same.

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Never Rent To a Friend

Circa 1984 my wife and I were living, as empty nesters, in a desirable area in the San Francisco Bay area and owned a lovely home.   Sam was the realtor representing us in buying this lovely home and he did a good job.  He was a very nice man and we stayed friends for years after. 

 My wife and I were very happy.  I was a Senior Program Manager for a defense contractor and really enjoyed my position.  My wife found a position very similar to what she had at our previous location and she was quite happy.  We were both happy.

About 1989 U.S. defense contracts were drying up since the country was making more love than war in that time frame.  Yes, I was laid off.

Finding employment – at my level and age 51 – was a definite challenge.  Yes I know it’s illegal to discriminate on the basis of age but …..I’m just saying you know.   Long story short I accepted a position with a company outside of Dallas, TX.   I had consulted for this company during much of this period of about 9 months of unemployment.

When it came time to relocate we of course called our friend Sam regarding selling our house and considered ourselves fortunate to have a nice honest realtor to deal with etc.  Much to our surprise he asked would we be interested in renting our house……to him!  He gave us a very logical summary of the benefits to us including something that we had never really thought of i.e. we would have a home in CA if we wanted to come back, as we probably would, since we had half our family here i.e. our son and his family.   Sam clearly indicated the projected unbelievable appreciation of real estate in our area and how difficult it would be to get another home like ours in the future.  Sam also told us that he wanted to sell his house, take out the large equity value therein and invest it in an opportunity that had been offered him which he indicated was a really good deal.    Us renting our house to him would solve lots of problems with his plan and allow him to stay as a realtor in our area; he felt the timing was exceptional.  We thanked Sam and told him we would let him know.

We did think about it.  Financially it was a win-win for both parties.  Although we had never rented before a major factor to me in renting was having good tenants that will take care of and won’t damage your property.  Since we were certain Sam would take care of the property that major consideration was of no real concern with this deal.  We decided to do it.

Watch this great story go downhill!

Things went well for about 4 months.  Well is defined as payments on time and no unusual maintenance problems.  Month #5 payment was about 10 days late and month #6 payment was even later.  Month #7 there was no payment.  I reluctantly called Sam.  I was reluctant because it’s not a pleasant type of conversation to have and since Sam was a friend it made it more uncomfortable.  Sam indicated he was very sorry and embarrassed.  He indicated there was a problem with his investment not panning out as planned,  but things were in the process of being corrected that would allow him to recover and send us all back payments etc. I told him that I also was sorry to hear about the investment turmoil but I could not carry both mortgages.  He promised to call if any further problems develop.

Month 7 payment never came and midway through month 8^th I called Sam to ask where are payments 7 & 8.  He explained not only the major investment turnaround was going slower than planned but his wife had become ill and needed to be taken care of further delaying progressive efforts.  Of course I told him I was sorry to hear about his wife however we need to get this rental situation corrected as I could not continue without timely payments.  He assured me it would be corrected soon however would not give me a definitive date as to when.  I closed by telling Sam I would pray for his wife but we need to resolve this matter quickly.

Month 9 not only had no payment but we were unable to contact Sam.  After leaving several messages on his phone, my last message advised Sam that I was sorry but I would be turning this matter over to a lawyer…..which we did I’m sorry to say.  We hired an attorney in the town where the house was and she sent a letter to Sam regarding the problem.  About a week later I was contacted by Sam’s son who lived in Southern CA.  Although he was irritated with me he promised immediate action to provide all back funds….and he did in a timely manner. 

Sam promptly vacated our property and our life as I’ve never seen him again. I believe he went Instead of renting the house further, we promptly sold it, using of course, and another realtor.   Although this created some stress and hard feelings I wish we hadn’t lost Sam as a friend…. but I suppose that’s life.???

End

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BILLY’S COMMENTS : Most friends like to help each other whenever possible, but sometime it is not financially possible. The problem in this story started with Sam’s unfortunate investment plus his wife’s illness. The lawyer’s threat to sue apparently forced Sam to get help from his son. The son was honorable and paid back nobly. I hope that the old friends will meet again and laugh over that crisis and cheer and congratulate Sam for having such a Wonderful Son. Sam’s son should be commended, indeed !

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I’d often heard of my father’s old friends— Uncle Billy and Aunt Lucille. My parents had reconnected with them when they moved to California in the 1980s. But by then I’d grown and flown from my parents’ home, and only visited with them periodically over the years they lived in Menlo Park.

They most often referred to Uncle Billy in a sort of “one name” way—like Oprah, or Cher. He was always called “BillyLee” and was a true favorite of both of my parents. This was quite an achievement, honestly, as parents don’t always share the same friends.

My father knew Uncle Billy first as a fraternity brother—fellow members of the “F.F.” fraternity of Chinese men. Looking at Pop’s photo collections from the 1950s, I recognize what an important and meaningful community this was to them. As I understand it, the “Flips” were true brothers-in-spirit for the young members, an adoptive family while their blood relatives were back home in China or other far-flung locales.

Back in the day, they had grand parties together—black-tie balls at fancy, big-city hotels. And many more casual gatherings; my father treasured and kept so many pictures of weekends at the lakes in Wisconsin and Michigan. The “Flips” were joined by the “sisters”, and it seems many great romances were born of these get-togethers—relationships that blossomed in communities where these young Chinese might otherwise have felt adrift.

Over the years, raising kids, pursuing careers in other places, some of the brothers maintained only a loose, Christmas-card-type connection. Every year we’d receive “family updates” from F.F. families in Delavan, Wisconsin, or Oakland, California, or Fairfax, Virginia, or Taiwan, or even Menlo Park. The “Flips” stayed in touch, even if they didn’t see each other for years.

When my parents relocated to the Bay Area, my father was quickly welcomed back to the F.F. fold. He reported lengthy lunches with “young brothers” and said it was his “responsibility” to attend “F.F. meetings” as often as possible. He made it sound like a bit of a chore, but I know he was truly delighted to reconnect with his dear friends from forty years earlier and make some new ones too.

When Pop’s health declined, as his only daughter, 2000 miles away, I was constantly anxious for him. Finally, it was clear my mother could no longer care for him at home, and he was too frail already to move close to me and my husband. His final home was a care facility in downtown Menlo Park where he was certain to be medically well cared for; still, I was deeply worried that he’d suffer the pain of isolation.

I knew he needed his truest friends to help him through the final stage of his life, and instantly I understood I could go straight to his dear “BillyLee” for support. This was a blood-brother sort of friendship, and sure enough, Uncle Billy immediately rallied to Pop’s side. For the last two years of my father’s life, Uncle Billy was an absolute lifeline. He helped me identify and make arrangements with a Chinese couple who became daily support-givers to my father. Uncle Billy himself made regular trips into town to visit Pop, who could no longer recognize him, but I believe he cherished the feeling of having a friend nearby in these twilight days of his life.

And Uncle Billy became my friend too. He told me the things fathers don’t tell their daughters: about the neighborhood in Shanghai where my father was raised, about Pop’s role in the F.F. brotherhood. He was my confidant as I worried over Pop’s decline; was he being properly medicated? Did he have pain? Was he being treated well? Everything I worried about– Uncle Billy was there to find the answer.

Not a day goes by that I don’t think of my father. Losing him is the biggest heartbreak of my life. He left such a tremendous hole in my heart, and I only wish I’d had him a little– or a lot– longer.

But he left me a legacy that includes the friendship he shared with Uncle Billy and his F.F. brothers. I think he transitioned from this life with that brotherhood at his side. What I learned is that true friendship isn’t just for the years we are young and beautiful, with parties and picnicking at the lake, but for a lifetime, and even beyond. A friendship is a bond that doesn’t ever break.

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ABOUT JOIE :
Joie Chen believes storytelling is in her genes. “My father always said his father– my grandfather– was famous for his ‘letters home.’  Journalism, she says, gives her the opportunity to continue that tradition.

She’s been an award-winning television journalist for the better part of 30 years. Best known for her decade as an anchor and correspondent for CNN and CNN International, she won multiple awards for her work there, including an Emmy for breaking news coverage. She won a second Emmy as a Washington, D.C. based correspondent for CBS News. She later served as the anchor of Al Jazeera America’s prime time current events program, America Tonight.

Today Joie supports a new generation through journalism education. She has a leadership role at the Poynter Institute for Media Studies. Based in Washington, she works to develop new programs and partnerships for Poynter, upholding its mission to make good journalists better.

She’s a native of Chicago and currently lives with her family near D.C. 

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Something happened to me last month that caused me to lose sleep. It taught me what it might feel like to walk in someone else’s shoes, but it also enabled me to experience friendship in a visceral way.

I belong to a local community-based group on Facebook that allows people to give away something they no longer need or ask for something they do need. “One person’s junk is another person’s treasure,” as they say. The idea behind the group is to help your neighbor while at the same time reduce consumerism. The types of “gifts” range from something silly, such as a bottle of hot sauce, to something valuable, such as a $10,000 piece of art. 

In an unusual offer, a school teacher offered school supplies and thousands of books, “Come to my classroom on Monday 9-5 and take anything you want…and bring me food since I’ll be there all day!” I had been looking for books that my 4th-grade daughter might actually enjoy reading.

When I saw this offer, I thought this classroom would be an ideal source–better than the library because the books are already curated by the teacher.

I arrived at 9:15am and found the door ajar but no sign of the teacher. I left a note asking if there was a better time and 2 tangerines, then left to go exercise. I figured she would receive sweets from other people, so I thought she would appreciate something healthy. In fact, when I was driving off I saw 3 people walk toward her classroom with what looked like a breakfast treat in a white bag. I came back afterwards and still no one was there. I didn’t take anything (either time) and gave up. On my way home I called my friend, who was one among many who had also expressed interest in the teacher’s offer. We talked about how it was a waste of time (I saved her a trip) and odd that the teacher wasn’t there. 

The next day  the teacher posted that she was changing the date to Wednesday. Soon after, she claimed that people took items from her classroom without her permission. She was angry and felt violated, and people (many of whom were teachers) were outraged. I decided to reach out to her to let her know what I knew, thinking that it might help. Maybe she knew the people I saw. Maybe the time table would be helpful. If I were her, I would appreciate any info to put the pieces together. Do unto others…right? I messaged her, reiterating that I came and left a note. When she said she changed the time, I didn’t bother pointing out that it was a day and a half after the event. I empathised with her and said, “No good deed goes unpunished” and our conversation ended.

But that wasn’t the end of the story. She then posted close to midnight that she was cancelling the “classroom giveaway” and that people who are not already her friends must not contact her or come anywhere near her or her classroom. Then around 1:30am I noticed she messaged me saying that I must have been the person who stole her items because she went back to her classroom and found my note. She was going to report me to the group administrators and accused me of illegal breaking and entering. 

At best, this was a simple misunderstanding but at worst, a situation all gone wrong. It would not be the end of the world if I was expelled from the group, even though I had really been enjoying participating–both giving and accepting gifts. However, the thought that the community, especially the teachers, could think that I caused all this hurt made me sick to my stomach. That’s why my husband urged me to describe my side of the story in public. I was being wrongly accused because I was transparent and identified myself. She brought this all on herself, but unless people closely followed the thread, they might not have realized that. She was vociferous that her classroom was her sanctuary and everyone resonated with that. She said she would bring the full force of the district and teachers union against the culprit(s). 

Now it was my turn to say, “No good deed goes unpunished.” to myself. I left a note to identify myself, and now all her anger was directed at me. I stayed up until 3am writing a message to the administrators and the teacher, explaining that I had only the best intentions and that I did not take anything. I was hoping I could reach them before they took any action. In situations like these it doesn’t matter who is right and who is wrong because at the end of the day it was a “He said, she said” type of situation. My husband wanted me to cc my friend since she knew what happened, but I didn’t not want to drag anyone else into this, especially without her permission, and did not want to delay my response.

I didn’t get much sleep that night. I was experiencing what it feels like to be wrongly accused. I imagined what it would be like to have the administration/people with clout (our beloved teachers) against me. I shuddered at the thought of charges actually being brought against me. Sound familiar? This is what people of color experience on a daily basis. Black, indigenous and people of color have to choose between doing what’s reasonable or what’s necessary to stay out of trouble. 

How does this story end? I received the best gift from my friend. Unsolicited, she called the administrators and vouched for me. Fortunately, the administrators believed my side of the story and the teacher accepted my apology for entering her classroom. The teacher quit the group out of anger because the people who “stole” had not brought back everything that was missing. Thankfully, the group still thrives and I’ve enjoyed many positive experiences since. 

Through this experience I learned what it’s like to be on the receiving end of unjust accusation, something our friends of color experience everyday. I also experienced the gift of friendship. It’s nice to be able to have a friend to call on in time of need, but you know you have a true friend when she helps you without your asking.

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BILLY’S COMMENTS : This story above reminds me of an early experience at Phillips Academy Andover. One winter evening in front of the Library building, a bunch of us students were having fun throwing snowballs at each other. I had just scooped up some snow and was packing it into a ball . Abruptly Mr Benton the chemistry teacher appeared, grabbed my arm, and accused me of having thrown a snowball that barely missed him. That was not true as the snowball in my hand was the first one I was building, but my English at that time was not good enough to defend myself and by earlier Chinese teaching I was taught never to rebut or embaress one’s teacher. The feeling of being wrongly accused was truly insufferable, however. I actually cried silently for days.

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Thanksgiving last year, I sent many good friends a letter of Thanks & Gratitude, and invited them to contribute articles to my  Friendshipology website <https://friendshipology.net>. Many schoolmates responded and several wrote intimate thoughts. 

One classmate wrote:

I’ll consider your invitation to write something for your Friendship website, but frankly it may not promote friendship. I had one close friend you would know who was so rapid and full of hate for Trump, he could not tolerate my conservative ideas. Others experienced the same relationship. We no longer communicate. I fear the contentious political differences will forever taint friendships and even families. Sad.

When I worked on a 20,000 acre horse and cattle ranch in desolate eastern Montana, it was truly an awakening. My east coast upbringing was very different in values character and ethics. My Montana hosts and their ranching friends find so much more in life than people in the stale east They have a remarkable inborn wisdom as well as an honest, stable sense of values” I stand by my thinking to this day and feel this difference is the heart of our current day thinking politically.

You truly make our day every year when you remember OLD friends. Thank you so much.”  I will not attend our reunion. I prefer to leave our alma mater with special memories and not see the destruction of all those things we cherished. Keep the annual greeting alive !!! “

I wrote back :

You must write this story for my website. There is a lesson to be learned. I hope you will have ideas on how and when to agree or disagree or agree to disagree..

As an architect, I think of SPACE all the time. Give some Space and bring in Light to Create Joy. Yes, I know you will write well because it will be heart-felt !

After another letter from this classmate, I replied:

I really admire and appreciate your honest, direct, and trust-worthy kind of friendship. Even though I share much of the liberal philosophy about gender and racial equality etc., I am weary about the frequent liberal elitist conceit. A year or so ago, a Chinese friend brought a delegation of 20+ students from Shanghai’s FuDan Univesity’s School of Business to the S.F. Bay Area to visit Stanford, Apple, and Facebook etc.. He asked me to give a talk to his students on one of their only free afternoons. I hesitated but finally agreed to take up the challenge. I wondered how I could impress them after they had just met and visited the crown jewels of Silicon Valley, and what could I really say that could be of permanent value to their aspiring futures.

Having come from Shanghai, I knew well that the Shanghai people are generally very proud and ambitious and FuDan School of Business is the HBS or SBS of China. I decided to talk about Arrogance of the Brilliant, Privileged, Elitists.  I told them to remember two different kinds of arrogance : The Self-first Flaunting Bullying type as exhibited by President Donald Trump, and the Snotty Hypocritical type revealed by Hillary Clinton as she called those who didn’t follow her ” A Basket full of Deplorables”. I also told them about a few of my own Family Members who looked down at those who did not have a good education and called all the poor people “Dirty Thieves”.

I am hoping to learn from this Friendshipology Initiative on how people can better relate to each other especially cross-culturally. So far I have 80+essays shining light on various aspects of friendship. Unfortunately most stories are about the bright cheerful experiences and there are not many awkward situations where we really need to focus and learn from. 

I think we can learn something valuable from you, because I feel that you also feel that we all need to know better. If you don’t mind, I like to quote  you in a future article. I won’t reveal your name. Indeed, I like to hear more about your inner thoughts and feelings.

So far, I have learned that people will always have different points of views. It really is better to learn how to cultivate common goodness in oneself and others and enthusiastically cooperate and collaborate on common challenges like this Covid-19 pandemic.  US-China relations is at a very low point today. I like very much to revert that ! 

Cheers with warm affection always,

Classmate wrote:

I will offer more comments in time, but want you to see, first hand, what the Cowboy Culture is all about. The National Rodeo Finals is currently on TV. It is a ten day Super Bowl with the top cowboys competing for top national honors in about 10 events. You can view it (about 3 hrs) starting at 4 western on RFD our channel 74 called the “cowboy channel”. Give it a shot. No politics. All America

I hope you will appreciate the solid character of the participants. These kids put their faith in God, country and their way of life. A world champion may throw his hat in the air, but only after dropping to one knee and thanking God for his success. This is a far cry from our million dollar athletes who jive in the end zone in self praise.

I wrote again:

Politics is a dangerous topic for conversation, indeed. It can make people get furious at each other. When I decided to do my research on Cross-cultural Friendship, I volunteered at the English in Action Program at Stanford University’s International Students Center.

Before, they paired me with a Japanese Post Doc to practice English once a week, I was cautioned seriously to avoid three topics in our conversation in the beginning : Politics, Religion, and Sex.

I did that for the first month but opened up gradually afterwards. Dr. Junichi Matsubara  and I conversed regularly for almost three years, on almost all topics, and we became really really good friends. 

Just before he departed for his home, Kyoto, Japan, his wife who was in the U.S. with him, gave birth to a baby boy. It took them weeks to select a name good for the boy’s future. Indeed, after choosing a Japanese name, they also picked an English name. Guess what, they decided to call their little baby boy , ” Billy”.   Wow that was the best reward I had ever received in my whole life.

Don’t forget : Junichi is from Japan and I am from China originally.

Yes, I’ve learned a bit more from the RFD website as it presents many positive aspects about the Cowboy culture which I now begin to understand and admire. Just for your amusement, here is a Chinese Western video which shows a lot of anger and cruelty, but that’s what entertains people ( myself included ), I am afraid.

Please watch: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nC6H40x0mAQ .

Latest from Classmate:

I appreciate your passion for friendship and I treasure your annual reaching out to classmates. It is unique and meaningful. Thank you.

Again, I am now spending most of my waking hours supporting organizations and causes which I feel are fighting for me and the survival of the country we both love and respect —- and I served in the navy to protect. I look forward to your annual greeting. You have achieved your goal of maintaining a friendship !!!!

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BILLY’S COMMENTS: Dan, you just showed us that LOVE & FRIENDSHIP ARE SO ESSENTIAL UNIVERSALLY. You also suggested that we Humans can learn from Animals. A picture is worth a thousand words, so I studied these photos a bit more carefully and noticed these many different pairs all appear to be peaceful, gentle, caring and truly happy together. I noticed that some even enjoyed being photographed together. Few apparently grew up together and thus are familiar with one other. Starting together young seems to help. Playing together to have fun is important. Some needs to be more patient like that monkey with the three pups. Hugging, leaning on each other, tet-a-tet together apparently build warmth and deepen bonding. Having full trust and feeling totally safe can be detected from the eyes of that owl and the wolfdog.

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ABOUT DAN CHAO: Dr. Daniel K. H. Chao has over 40 years of experience in commercial and investment banking, corporate finance and management, company and project development, equity investments and risk management. He was a former SVP for TerraPower, chaired by Bill Gates, and was responsible for all business and financing activities for the company, which culminated in the formation of a joint venture with a leading nuclear power company in China.

Dr. Chao is also very active in non-profit organizations. He is currently the Board Chair of the 1990 Institute and a member of the Committee of 100 and of the National Committee for US-China Relations. Dan is also currently a Board member and Treasurer of Asian Health Services in Oakland, and an Advisory Board member of the Asia Society of Northern California. Dan has served on the Advisory Board of the Export-Import Bank of the United States, the Board of the US-China Business Council, the Advisory Council of the Fletcher School of Law & Diplomacy (Tufts U.), and was the former President and Chairman of the California-Asia Business Council. He has also served on the Board of Directors of the Head-Royce School in Oakland and the Pucheng Microfinance Development Association in Shaanxi, China. Dr. Chao holds a B.A. from Stanford University (Phi Beta Kappa), an M.A., M.A.L.D. and Ph.D. from the Fletcher School of Law and Diplomacy at Tufts University, and an Advanced Professional Certificate (Business) from New York University.

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As someone who has lived in the small California community known as Ladera for more than 25 years, I sometimes feel like I am lucky to be stuck in a time warp.  The world around us has at times become disjointed and “self-first” focused, and yet, I don’t ever feel that way here.  We landed in Ladera quite by accident and over the years it has become astonishingly apparent to me that it is one of the luckiest events of my life. We were a young couple with 2 small children.  We moved here from the suburban life in Menlo Park, and I felt like we had landed in the Wild West. As people who took up residence in November, the first winter was pretty lonely. I felt completely isolated and cut off from the rest of the world. And then, like sunshine after rain, Spring came. The LRD pool opened and life as we knew it was forever changed.  We discovered other families who had small children. We met the neighbors. We visited the restaurants and unique shops at the bottom of the hill. And most importantly, lifelong friendships sprouted from that early seed.

I am convinced that this experience began 60 years ago when the first families moved in to this small planned unit development.  Those first families set the stage for those of who followed in their footsteps.  They established a recreation district to be the center of the neighborhood.  They created paths for wandering and had foresight to protect land around them.  The families had barbecues and street parties and July 4^th activities that began traditions passed down through the ages.  And through those activities, families found friendship.  The Ladera kids all trudged to the Ladera school and played in the creek in the afternoons.  Couples formed pot luck clubs (at least one of which is still in existence). People took turns watching each other’s kids so they could have a night out. People in the neighborhood took on leadership roles at the LRD and in the community. And people cared about their neighbors.  Most families who now move to Ladera, move here because they want that sense of community and friendship.

I am blessed to have developed so many BFF’s (best friends forever) here in Ladera.

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Diane Gow –
Here’s a little bit about me.  I grew up in Marblehead, Massachusetts  and attended the University of New Hampshire. On a whim I followed my then boyfriend, now husband to California for what I thought would be 2 years.  35 years later I’m still in California.  I attended  Santa Clara University School of Law and practiced litigation for a few years before I was lucky to stay home with my 2 boys  and be part of their childhoods. We moved to our wonderful community of Ladera in 1995 and I’ve been actively involved in the neighborhood for the past 25 years.  I currently occupy the General Manager seat at the Ladera Recreation District and I moonlight as an assistant to Ladera Crier co-editor LInda Fornaciari. I dedicate myself to sprinkling kindness throughout the world. 

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BILLY’S Comments: Di knows my son Prescott and his twin children, Gage and Lexi, well, since the children participate at Di’s regionally known LRD Swim Program. I personally am grateful for her help in arranging the LRD Meeting Room for my last minute talk to a visiting delegation from Shanghai, China’s Fu Da University, last year. It was a holiday, yet she took time to help me. I deeply deeply appreciate that. For me, a Neighbor indeed became a Friend. Thank you, Di .

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During the past few years, I have been studying Friendship and How to Develop Friendship. Along the way, I learned that surrounding situations and people have much to do with what could actually happen. To promote Friendship we, indeed, need to capture or create suitable conditions. Those people who contribute to such activities, I shall call them Actual Connectors.

This article “ IN PRAISE OF ACTUAL CONNECTORS IN FRIENDSHIPOLOGY “ is written to honor several of my personal friends and acquaintances who have been doing just that knowingly or not knowingly. I want to applaud them and thank them.

George Rider and Dan Ward , class corresponding secretaries from Andover PA’51 and Yale YC’55, have been responsible for keeping our classmates connected via the school alumni magazines. It’s not just fresh news they pass along, but the Spirit of our Common Aspirations and the  Schools’ mottos : “Non Sibi ‘’ for Andover and “Lux et Veritas”for Yale.

Linda Fornaciari and Di Gow the forces behind Ladera Crier (LC ) and Ladera Recreational District ( LRD ) were introduced by an article by Linda Hubbard in 2016.  The Ladera Recreation District’s mission is to provide a clean, safe recreational environment in which members can exercise, socialize, relax, and develop lasting friendships through a variety of social events, traditions, and leisure activities. The Ladera Crier is one of the most beautifully presented monthly community publications in this country – keeping up with Ladera’s reputation as the Best Educated Community in the United States today.

Vic Young, and Mike King ( whom I address as Brothers since we all belong to this Chinese Fraternity, FF Fraternity ) produces the FF Bulletin and coordinates our Facebook Connection respectively.  They keep the members engaged on serious issues as well as having fun and laugher together. In this fraternal organization, the wives or Sisters actually play a key roll.  They provide important wisdom and extra warmth in our relationships.  To hold activities in private homes has proven to be the best environment to build bonding. We can only do so when we have the Sisters’ enthusiastic consents.

Marge Ketter and Mike Revzin are National Officers of US China People’s Friendship Association – Marge the Membership Director and Mike the Editor of  USCR ( US-China Review) a quarterly publication of US- China People’s Friendship Association. US-China relationship changes with political  conditions, but for people who intrinsically value Friendship over Conflicts, we must be patient and steadfast- with eyes open and also hearts always open. We must stay connected.

I discovered the word “CONNECTORS “ few years ago when a friend introduced me to Malcolm Gladwell’s  book,  TIPPING POINT.  Indeed, Connections are important and Connecting People for Good Causes is especially important. Connections could be Friendships. Connecting People is part of Friendshipology.

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This is an article I promised Billy for over a year. Billy once told me I’m very good at being late, so is my article. To pay for the late fee, I’m going to write a long one. And here is the first part.

Before I wrote this article, I asked myself: what is the definition of friends? Some people say friends are someone you like hanging out together; some say friends are people who help each other. I think friends are two different souls finding each other dearly and always want the best for each other. Shay* is such a friend to me. Actually Shay is one of my best friends.

I met Shay in New York City on the first day I moved into The Webster Apartments. The Webster Apartments is a building on the upper west of Manhattan for single women only.

At that time, I had lived in the U.S. for over two years. I made American friends, but none of them I would consider a real friend –  who would like to spend time listening to me and to share laughters and sorrows together. I asked many of my friends who, like me, coming to the States to study from China: do you have any very good American friends with whom you can share your laughters and sorrows? Very few of them answered “yes”, or “I once had one”.

Is it really hard to make a really good friend who has a different cultural background from mine? I have been struggling with this question for a while until I met Shay.

Chapter One “Oklahoma! The musical?”

The Webster Apartments provided two meals for all tenants. As I already missed the first meal by moving in too late in the afternoon (yes Bill is right I’m always late), I rushed to the dining hall for dinner super early.

Trying to find a seat to start my dinner, I saw a blonde lady eating alone by a table.

“Hi, can I join you for dinner?” I smiled and asked her.

“Sure.” This lady looked at me and squeezed the word from her full mouth.

Two years later, when Shay and I became close friends, Shay told me the moment she saw me look around for a table, she told herself: girl, please do not come to my table. When I was walking towards her table, she almost prayed for me not talking to her.

“Why?” I asked her.

“I  never had any close Asian friends. I didn’t know how to deal with it. Plus I had a very long day and I just wanted to have a quiet moment by myself.”

This lady, who never had a close Asian friend, was trying to be polite by answering all my questions.

“Where did you grow up?” I asked a very typical question if you were in China.

“I grew up in Oklahoma.”

“Oklahoma! The musical?” I shouted out excitedly.

To be honest, I knew nothing about Oklahoma, either the state or the musical. I happened to see a picture of the musical in a movie magazine when I was 5 years old in China. Surprisingly I still remembered it.

Maybe it is my loud voice, or maybe my sudden excitement, the eyes of this young lady lightened up and started to tell me her stories growing up in Oklahoma. I told her what my experience was like living in a country more than 12 hours flight from my parents. We also found out we both loved literature and writing, and neither of us liked working out.

We talked for two hours at the dinner table and another two hours at the lobby when the staff kicked us out of the dinning hall as it was going to be closed at night.

“Hey, we should hang out! I haven’t been to many tourist spots in New York City.” This young lady offered me an invitation.

“Me either! Let’s visit the Free Lady this Week this weekend!”

“You mean the Statue of Liberty? Yes I’m in!”

“Yes yes Statues of Liberty.” I finally knew the real name of that huge woman with a torch. Zi You Nv Shen 自由女神 [Statue of Liberty] in Chinese which can be literature translated as “Free Lady”. But at this time I didn’t know this was just a beginning for this young blonde lady to correct my English in the next 5 years.

This is how I met Shay, who later became one of my best friends.

Want more funny stories between Shay and me? Please stay tuned for Chapter Two.

* As my friend told me she’s very shy (Really?) , she wants me to use a pseudonym. I’ll name her Shay for this article.

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Bio of Catherine Zhao

Catherine has been Billy’s friend for over 5 years since her last year at Stanford University. She is currently working as a product marketing manager for a technology company during the day , and a standup comedian at night, with various random volunteer work on weekends depending on her mood. She was a technology journalist in Silicon Valley, though she never had one signal journalism class at school. She studied linguistics, comparative literature, and anthropology in China and the U.S. She really likes talking to interesting people (like Billy) and retells the story to strangers. She’s currently working on a course to help people of different cultures communicate better with humor. If you have any questions or any funny stories, please reach out to her at suiyucathy123(AT)gmail.com.

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