Mike Fink wrote: “i met billy ming-sing in 1951, our freshman year at yale, class of 1955.  i invited him home to providence, r.i. that first thanksgiving.  he came, brought charming gifts  (a box of chinese tea and a lounge robe.  which i wore and kept and then gave away to a lovely girl who said no to me and turned into a vanished dream.  many decades later at a reunion i asked billy what he could recall of that event and he said “nothing” but then proceeded to join me in a loyal bond with the very idea of yale nostalgia.  and now, we are the bookends, the pillars, of our vanishing class roster.  we are survivors and somehow beyond friendship it has become a symbolic and “existential”  (i use that word loosely, perhaps privately, maybe as the poetic credo of our generation, in some way) bond.  i have many chinese students at the r.i. school of design, and i have a special good will toward them and keep in touch long, long after their commencements as their alum status transforms into a wine of good will and even a kind of intimacy.  currently i have an alum and former t.a. named yifan du in china who told me i inspired him to try to teach as i do.  i know profoundly my own failures and inadequacies, but his faith in me stands for the way friendship works.  brings out the best along with the small and humble virtues of gratitude, respect, good will, and provides a needed comfort in these times of distancing and doubting.  anyway, if this does manage to reach you, thank you so very much, billy, for staying with me ! 

i am currently the longest serving faculty member in the history of RISD (Rhode Island School of Design )  i came as an instructor in 1957 and have not quite yet retired, although i believe that by the time my present elective classes will reach semester end in may,  my final accounting will be to gather up my souvenirs, books, and assorted paintings and framed sketches from my marvelous office salon and find someplace to pile them up.  then what? shall i live out my allotment of years among the crates and shelves and with my wife’s impatience with the heap of histories,…or will the gods figure out something surprising for me?  dunno.  my only travels to china were by way of hong kong, where i spent a sabbatical semester, or part of it, offering to the baptist college there how to gather the best dvd movies from the hollywood of my/our generation, featuring portraits of china.   oil for the lamps of  china.  the bitter tea of general yen.  (frank capra film with barbara stanwyck and nils asther  (i think) )  and a number of others…..hoped to make it to the jewish town of kaifeng to “research” the connection between the silk road communities of a lost tribe of israel and now the visits of students to reconnect these chapters.    hey i didn”t mean to go on and on,  once you reach a certain age you tend to over-answer simple questions, so i’ll stop here for now   i have taught bird watching, documentary film-making, and “journalism”–for six decades and more.

forgot to include the flick  “the painted veil” with greta garbo and herbert marshall and george brent.  taken from a somerset maugham story    among the dvd choices i asked the hong kong baptist college to add to their new collection of hollywood’s evolution, politically, toward china.  in the dramatic years of the 1930s into the 1940s.  oh i could go on and on about that,  but i will spare you for now.  i did visit the hotel in hong kong where somerset maugham kept his social set lively …”

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Simple practices for resilient happiness from Rick Hanson, PhD

Copied by Billy Lee – January 2022

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Why?
Friendliness is a down-to-earth approach to others that is welcoming and positive.Think about a time when someone was friendly to you – maybe drawing you into a gathering, saying hello on the sidewalk, or smiling from across the room. How did that make you feel? Probably more included, comfortable, and at ease; safer; more open and warm-hearted.
When you are friendly to others, you offer them these same benefits. Plus you get rewarded yourself. Being friendly feels confident and happy, with a positive take on other people, moving toward the world instead of backing away from it. And it encourages others to be less guarded or reactive with you since you’re answering the ancient question from millions of years of evolution – friend or foe? – with an open hand and heart.

In its own quiet way, ordinary friendliness takes a stand that is almost subversive these days: that the world has many more opportunities than threats, that most people want the best for others, that simple informal human connections tie this battered old planet together much more than jumbo corporations or mass media flickering on the walls of our upholstered caves.

How? You can be friendly with intimates and strangers, co-workers and in- laws, babies and bosses – even those you know only in the abstract, like people on the other side of the world. Of course, it is not always appropriate to be friendly with someone, such as to an adversary or to someone who would misunderstand you. But opportunities for greater friendliness are probably all around you this week. To warm up your brain’s circuits of friendliness, you could try one or more of these: Recall being with someone who cares about you.Remember when someone was friendly to you.Bring to mind a time when you were friendly to someone.Get a sense of the posture, movements, gestures, and facial   expressions of a person you know who is naturally friendly. Relax your body into a feeling of friendliness: leaning forward a   little, rather than back; softening and opening your chest, face,   and eyes; breathing goodwill in and out. Then look for everyday opportunities to be friendly. Often you will just give a smile, handshake, or nod – and that is plenty. Maybe it’s offering a few minutes to talk. Or a morning hug or goodnight kiss. Or an extra touch of warmth in an email. Stretch yourself, but stay within the range of whatever is authentic. Remember that friendliness is not agreement or approval; it does not mean you have given up on whatever your stances may be in the relationship. Friendliness does not equal friendship; in truth, most relationships are with friendly acquaintances. Consider your family and friends. What about being more friendly with your lover or mate? Having worked with couples for many years, it’s painful to see how often basic friendliness is a casualty in a long- term relationship. Or being more friendly toward parents, siblings – or your own children? Again, it’s startling how easily friendliness can be crowded out of our most important relationships by busyness, little irritations and hurts, or weariness from working too hard. But bits of friendliness, sprinkled here and there, can be absolutely transformational in a relationship. Try it and see! Also, consider being friendlier toward people you might normally ignore or treat with distance, even coolness. Such as wait staff in restaurants, someone shuttling you to the airport, or – breaking the big taboo – strangers in an elevator. Last and not least, there is friendliness toward animals (“great and small, seen and unseen, omitting none” ) . . . plants . . . your body . . . and yourself. Even friendliness toward inanimate objects: greeting the door before you open it, the ground about to meet your feet; not slamming the drawer in, but instead wishing it well; welcoming the cup rising to your lips. See what happens. Take in the rewards, like one small log after another, fueling that warm glowing fire on the hearth in your heart.

Know Someone Who Could Use More Friendliness ?        Share this Just One Thing practice with them!     ___________________________________________________

Ancient Chinese Quotes on Friendship

—  与其得小人，不如交愚人。 作者:(宋) 司马光

Better befriend a Fool than a “Small Immoral Person”.       Author: (Song Dynasty)  Sima Guang

 —  君子不镜于水，而镜于人。镜于水，见而之容;   镜于人,  则知凶与吉.  作者: 墨翟 

“Gentleman” does not look at water, but looks at people. Look at the water, you can see what’s there;  look at people, you see the evil and the good.   Author: Mo Di

—  以权利合者，权尽而交疏。 作者:(汉) 司马迁

Joining purely to gain power and advantage, eventually brings conflict and confusion.  Author: (Han) Sima Qian

—大凡敦厚忠信，能攻吾过者，益友也; 其诌媚轻薄，傲慢亵狎，导人为恶者， 损友也。 作者: 朱熹                      

Those who are honest, loyal and can point out my faults are Good Friends, indeed. Those who are flattering and frivolous, arrogant and obscene, leading others to evil, are in fact Harmful Friends.    Author: Zhu Xi

 —   宴笑友朋多，患难知交寡。 作者:(清) 蒲松龄

Many friends laugh and have fun together. Only crisis reveals true Friendship.    Author: (Qing) Pu Songling

—   当路谁相假，知音世所稀。 作者:(唐) 孟浩然

Who is there to help promote me along the way? Very few people truly understand me.  Author: (Tang) Meng Haoran

—   文士满华堂，不如一直友。  作者: 吴喜纪

Many scholarly exchangers not equivalent to one straight forward friend.   Author: Wu Xiji

—-  黄金万两容易得 知心一个也难求《红楼梦》

Large quantity of Gold is easier to acquire. Finding one Truly Understanding Friend is difficult,  From: “Dream of the Red Chamber”

— 士有妒友，则贤交不亲，君有妨臣，则贤臣不至。作者:荀况      

If a scholar has questionable friends, the virtuous ones will not come near. If the monarch has unworthy ministers, the virtuous ones will hesitate to join. ”    Author: Xun Kuang

—  君子居人间则治，小人居人间则乱。君子欲和人      ，譬犹水火不相能然也，而 鼎在其间，水火不乱，乃和百味是以君子不可不慎择人在其间。 作者: 刘向            

The “Gentleman” brings order to the world, while the “Little One” lives in chaos. The “Gentleman” seeks harmony with people even when water and fire are not compatible, In this tripod, water and fire are not chaotic, but are in harmony under all conditions. The “Gentleman” truly can not disregard his responsibility in between.     Author: Liu Xiang

—  朋友，以义合者。 作者: 朱熹

Friends, brought together via righteousness. ( That is Yi Qi.)       Author: Zhu Xi

–—   交得其道，千里同好，固于胶漆，坚于金石。  作者: 谯周

True Bonding, a thousand miles apart, firm as enduring paint, solid as gold and stone.   Author: Qiao Zhou

–—  浅近轻浮莫与交。 作者: 贯休

Don’t make FRIENDS with the frivolous.             Author: Guan Xiu

—  世事短如春梦，人情薄似秋云。作者:(明) 郑之珍

World events short like spring dreams. Human relations thin like an autumn cloud.          Author: (Ming) Zheng Zhizhen

—  人之相知，贵在知心  作者: 李陵

To really know each other, key is in knowing each other’s heart .      Author: Li Ling

–— 志合者，不以山海为远;  道乖者，不以咫尺为近          作者: 葛洪

People who value Friendship and Bonding do not allow mountains and seas become obstructive distance ; those who are wise, do not take proximity for granted. Author: Ge Hong

—  近朱者赤，近墨者黑。 作者: 傅玄

Stay close to Red (or Good) one becomes Red . Stay close to Black (or Bad) one becomes Black.     Author: Fu Xuan

—  势利之交，难以经远。 作者:(三国) 诸葛亮

Friendship based on power and personal benefits can not last long.      Author: (Three Kingdoms) Zhu Ge Liang

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Thank you, Dear Friends, who help sustain my Hopes as always. Must share some Good News with you – see below: 

NATIONAL CONVENTION AWARDS – USCPFA from john marienthal to uscpfa-southbay@googlegroups.com

HELLO ALL,

Our national convention just finished. Two people were recognized for special awards. The late Gerry Low Sabado for promoting friendship on the regional level and  Billy Lee receiving the National Friendship Leadership award for his work in developing Friendshipology . This was the 20^th national convention. We are hoping to be able to send the link out soon for the entire convention as it was recorded.

John

Indeed, Expressing Gratitude is not to close a chapter, but to generate more Hope and more Dedication to Building Good Feelings among us.

                          <https://friendshipology.net>

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BILLY’S HOPE : ” A Call For An International and Cross-Cultural Institute on Friendshipology “ an article published in Women of China magazine, August 2016 issue and the very early fifth article in <https:friendshipology.net>

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Have you ever worked with someone with whom you just didn’t click?
It’s one of the most common and difficult challenges people face at
work. While it will inevitably arise, our choices matter in how we
respond — it can worsen over time and make you, them and others
miserable, or it can lead to growth and learning, improving your
ability to work with all types of people. The key difference is engaging
with emotional intelligence.
Here are 3 emotional intelligence tips to collaborate with a coworker
you don’t click with:

1. 1. Make them good.
   Just to clarify, it’s not possible – or your responsibility – to make your coworkers “good” in the sense of changing them. “Make them good” means
   shifting your perspective away from just thinking negatively about them. There’s a phrase I came across years ago that helps me on this shift toward positivity, whenever I am frustrated by a coworker. The phrase: Everyone is doing the best they can with the awareness, knowledge and experiences that they have. It’s true even when someone’s behavior negatively impacts you – makes your life difficult, or miserable, or drives you nuts… they are doing the best they can with the awareness, knowledge and experiences that they have. That doesn’t mean it can’t or won’t change, of course. It also doesn’t mean you can’t communicate, or set boundaries and expectations. It just means that they are doing the best they can right now. When we accept that, and make them good, that’s the first step toward getting out of this cycle of negativity and maybe even becoming real allies.
2. Suggestion: Try to shift from judgment to curiosity. Instead of statements like,
3. “John is always so negative,” try asking questions like, “I wonder why John tends to respond negatively in x situations?” Be careful that your language doesn’t describe people’s faults as permanent characteristics – there’s ample
4. research that people can change – even deeply embedded patterns. Even still, we often speak as if there’s absolutely no possibility of change, which itself is an impediment to change.

2. 2. Bring awareness to your bias.
   In this context, I am referring to your confirmation bias, the basic psychological
   tendency to perceive information that confirms what we already believe to be
   true. In spite of our best efforts, we’re not objective. Everyone suffers from
   confirmation bias, whether we’re aware of it or not. We see and hear what we
   expect / want to see and hear, based on our previous knowledge and
   expectations. This is quite literally wired into our brains: we create “reality”
   through a combination of our senses – what we’re perceiving now, and our
   memory and previous experiences. But there are actually way more neural
   connections running from memory than from perception. Of all the stimulus that comes upon our eyes, ears and noses every day, we consciously take in about 1% of it. In a world full of complexity, this is a shortcut the brain takes to work efficiently and save energy. We’re always filtering; we have to. But this can create a vicious cycle with coworkers we don’t click with, because we tend to interpret their words and actions more critically than we would others’ words and actions. We may hear them, but through a lens of past hurts and disappointments. When we bring awareness to this tendency, however, we can actively work to compensate for it and make sure we’re giving everyone a fair shot.
3. Suggestion: If a coworker you struggle with says or does something that you
4. interpret as a slight, or criticism, ask for clarification. There’s often a gap between what people mean to relay and how others interpret it, especially when there’s a history of animosity, and the bridge between the two is honest and open communication.

3. 3. Find ways to be successful together.
   I’m very conflict avoidant. Just pretend like it doesn’t exist and everything’s fine! The only problem with that strategy is there will come a time when you will have to work together, and if you haven’t built up any trust – or worse, built up mistrust – that is not an ideal starting point. It could even be on an important, high stakes project! An alternative solution? Look for ways to be successful together, then celebrate those successes and try to build off of them. Take the initiative to “win” together and build at least a little of that trust with low stakes.
   Suggestion: Choose a small project to do together, or seek them out to help with
   a component of something you’re working on. Then celebrate the success, express genuine gratitude, and try to cultivate the positive feelings that may have been hard to come by in your relationship so far. It’s tempting to think of emotions as something that happens to us – and in some sense, they are – but we also have the power to create emotions.

Collaborate Better with Emotional Intelligence
Emotional intelligence is being smarter with feelings. It’s bringing thoughts and
feelings together in a healthier, more productive manner. I hope you find these
tips to be a helpful way to shift the emotional dynamics in a positive direction.
All 3 of these tips fall under the Choose Yourself part of the Six Seconds Model of Emotional Intelligence.

BILLY’ COMMENTS – Nov. 10, 2021 :
Friendshipology is the study of the Art & Science in Making Friends and Building Friendship. Friendship and Friends indeed should not be taken for granted. Trust we must develop, and ideally our Love extends beyond just a small selected circle.
Michael Miller’s and Six Seconds’ efforts in trying to enlighten us all are indeed deeply appreciated. Many thanks, Michael, for allowing me to publish your article here !

” The drive, inspiring the mission of freelance travel-writer and photographer, stemmed from my desire to scout, embrace  the beautiful pleats of the world and pass their fragrant intimacy in words and images … (So far, eyes and heart have embraced some 65 countries, their charm visualized in hundreds of reportings– photo essays, signed Amalia Pellegrini,  full bred Italian heritage)

 
Along the way an  accident  drove photo-journalist Amalia  to develop, embrace  a new mission, with a new name: Amalia Dea Lencis.
It happened in Upper Egypt,  at Karnak, by the Nile.

When taking pictures of Ramses Pharaoh’s temple,  a fault in the camera Nikon F,  caused the over-exposure of the  films, hence useless  for any magazine editor.

Nevertheless I did not throw the films away . Actually they inspired my 3rd eye to explore, one by one,

by hand-lens, the hundreds of over-exposed slides laid on the light-table. 

Hence I started  a challenging, intuitive multi hours HUNT… seeking, selecting,  overlaying the slides .

I was emotionally over whelmed whenever  the “match” ( just one slide over the other ! ) visualized a composition as an  alchemic synthesis, an architecture of elements beyond imagination… 
Actually a vision whose  elements connect, entangle  in a harmonious,  unpredictable  embrace..

Today  artist  Amaliaoverlays  the photos of her digital camera  with a  digital tool. Nevertheless  it’s still  and always her 3rd eye that plays the rhythm, leads the  dance, composes …”just  Embrace”.

My challenging Hunt, creative Pleasure, world-wide  Mission is  still in  progress…

by Ramses accident ?.

Amalia Dea Lencis  8/8/2021

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My sister, Merle, apparently enjoyed The Atlantic’s Friendship-Files,

I send her. She wrote back to me this morning :

Hi Née Goo goo  ( No. 2 Brother ) ,

Writing really helps to express what is at times hard to express verbally to others 

Many years ago I wrote this to wish my best friend Jean , Happy Birthday .

She was an avid gardener and a wonderful, wonderful person .

She died just two months ago .

We became close friends after meeting at the hospital where I am at now – as volunteers 26 years-ago .  In the later years We both were tied to our homes because of caring for our husbands. We wrote to each everyday till she passed away.

Finally , now I get to enjoy wiggling my toes without any pain, and they are shipping me out to rehab this morning .  Where I hope to stay as long as I can and get the benefits of daily therapies. 

Thank you for sending me the friendship file     MLK ( from the hospital )

The Poem – “ HAPPY BIRTHDAY, JEAN ”

This is for my friend , Jean.
She nourishes all seeds she sown.
And smiles , while watching them grow.

My friend Jean .
Seeds to Grow

Spring is in full flirt mode.
Springs on us , in one deft move.
A surprise, long awaited.
Much to do.
Much to enjoy.

A new sun , dazzles the fleeting mist.
A flash of rain , clears the air.
Earth warms.
A welcomed bode for nature’s growth.

Last year’s daffodils , nodding to the sweet breeze.
Wild weeds sprout, intruding the tilted soil.
Let us weed , to make room for the better.
Even though, they too, are plants of nature.

Calendar in hand.
Almanac a ready.
Gardening gloves on and we are ready.
Seeds of spinach, lettuce, sprinkled on fresh soil.
Bulbs of garlic, beets and potatoes nestled deep.
Multiple seeds planted to harvest and to enrich.

Grow ! Grow ! Grow !

Wait !  Other seeds , she sows…..as well.
She sows seeds of kindness.
She sows seeds of joy.
She sows seed of friendship.
Let these seeds be blessed as well, by sharing.

Sow ! Sow! Sow!

________________________________________________

Introduced by Edward Wuenschel – September 2021

https://www.theatlantic.com/projects/friendship-files/

THE FRIENDSHIP FILES

The Value of Friendships That Don’t Come Easy

“I probably wouldn’t have naturally fallen into friendship with Heather. It took a little more effort; it took a desire to really pursue getting to know someone.”

By Julie Beck

May 2004, I was fortunate to take my students from Odyssey School to
China with Billy Lee as part of an art/environment project under Institute
1990’s auspicious.
We traveled to Shanghai and Beijing as part of our tour, spending times at
schools and organizations showing our environmental art and interacting
with students.
Often there was no plan for these interactions and I jumped in and did
some ice breakers/warm ups that could mostly be done without language to
get the students to interact.
Billy has asked me if I would share some of these activities. As a
consultant at Stanford University now I use these experiences a great deal
in the trainings I currently conduct. While they are primarily for
teachers/trainers, they certainly could be adapted to anyone working with
students, particularly students possessing different languages. I hope this
audience will find some value in these activities that can lead to
FRIENDSHIP building. Or at least some fun at the Thanksgiving/Christmas
big family dinner.

Activity #1 Visual Learner or Auditory Learners?

Ask participants to raise their right hand.
Now connect the index finger to the thumb so you have a nice circle.
Place your circle on your cheek but tell them to place the circle on their
chin.
Is the group primarily visual learners or auditory learners?
Many people do the “slide from cheek to chin” move.

Activity #2 Can My Brain do Two Functions at Once?

Ask the standing group to place their hands in front of them in the ready to
clap position.
Tell the group that when you hands cross [not clapping] they are to clap.
Begin by crossing your hands and having them clap each time.

The question usually arises if when you recross your hands is that time for
claps. Yes.
Get them into a rhythm of clapping hands and then just move your hands a
few inches without actually crossing your hands and invariably people will
clap anyway.
It is good to tell the group you will buy them all a………if they can clap on
all the crosses.

Activity #3 Can You Count to Three?

Ask the standing group to divide into pairs and face each other.
Tell the group to count to three by alternating he says which number.
A; 1
B: 2
A: 3
Have them do that for about 20 seconds.
Now tell the group that instead of 1 clap their hands and don’t say 1
A; clap
B: two
A: three
Have them do this for about 30 seconds, the laughter will begin.
Now tell the group that 1 is clap and 2 is now stomp your foot.
A: clap
B: stomp
A: three
Have them do that for 30 seconds and have fun with the foul ups that
occur.

Activity #4 Is This a Stick?
Have the group form a circle and put a two foot stick (or anything else) in
the center of the circle.
Taking turns, a person goes into the circle and says, “This is not a stick”
and does something with the stick to make it something else. Puts it to his
eye and says, “It is a telescope.”

The next person coming into the circle puts the “telescope” to her eye and
says “This is not a telescope, it is a toothbrush.”
The next person comes in and picks up the stick and starts brushing his
teeth and says…and so the game continues.

__________________________________________________

Stephen K. Smuin, as former Founding Head of the Odyssey Middle School and
Nueva Middle School, is completing his 42nd year as an educator. Stephen then spent
19 years at Nueva Learning Center in Hillsborough, CA, an international recognized
elementary school for gifted and talented students and founded the middle school. He
left Nueva to become co-founder of Odyssey School, a middle school for gifted and
talented students.
Steve has taught on the elementary, high school and college level and has published
three major books: Turn Ons!; Can’t Anybody Here Write?; and More Than Metaphors.
Steve has given over 125 workshops in the United States, Canada, Japan, China and
Germany and is most proud of being invited to present at the World Gifted Conference
on two occasions.
Recently, Steve become CEO of Da Vinci Educational Consultants, which provides,
assessments, training, workshops and lectures in Japan, China and Stanford University.

____________________________________________________

BILLY”S COMMENTS : Stephen was a Most Delightful Director to the
Chinese students and teachers in Beijing and Shanghai.. The Fun &
Sometimes A Bit Embarrassing Games quickly removed all the
ANXIETY from being STRANGERS. We should have more of these
ICE-BREAKING FUN EXERCISES. Indeed, we all should try to invent
one or two such creative games in order to understand more deeply
how FRIENDSHIP maybe be initiated.

The purpose of this group is to help middle school sixth and seventh grade
students with poor friendship skills learn specific social skills to improve peer
relationships. Group topics include identifying positive friendship qualities, learning skills to enhance conversation abilities, recognizing the importance of body language in communication, and learning how to effectively solve friendship problems. Students are referred by teachers via a form provided by the School Counselor or through discussion at a student’s CSE meeting, and the group is appropriate for those who have few friends, are shy or withdrawn or who display inappropriate social skills that hinder friendship
development. The group is formatted to be held in five 30-minute sessions, and each group is designed for approximately six students.

Offering a small group to enhance the friendship skills of middle school students is important for a variety of reasons. At this stage, friendships may be especially significant to a healthy social development because adolescents frequently look to their friends to fulfill their emotional needs as well as to practice their socialization skills (Lefrancois, 1999, p. 348). Students lacking this social network thus may not have the necessary opportunities to learn how to best interact with their peers. Furthermore, adolescents who are unable to develop quality friendships experience heightened anxiety about school (Sunwolf & Leets, 2004, p. 196). There also is evidence that inclusion in a healthy peer group predicts academic success for sixth and eighth grade students (Wentzel & Caldwell, 1997, p. 1206). School counselors are in a position to help improve the academic and social success of students who have difficulties making and maintaining positive peer relationships by designing a group to teach them specific social skills that they can use to improve peer interactions and enhance friendships.

Teaching Social Skills to Enhance Friendship
Session : What Does it Mean to Be a Friend?

Author: Emily Worsnopp
Grade Level: 6/7
Group Size: 5 students
Time: 30 minutes
Setting: Small office (counseling office or conference room) with chairs set up in a circle

Goal:
ASCA Personal/Social Standard A: Students will acquire the knowledge, attitudes, and interpersonal skills to help them understand and respect self and others.
Objective: Students will be able to identify friendship qualities and discuss basic
friendship concepts.
Materials: 1 skein of yarn.
Procedure:
Ice Breaker Activity: The Spider Web
 Begin by explaining that the group will be doing an activity to get them
thinking about what friendship means to them.
 Give the ball of yarn to one student and ask him or her to name one quality
that they consider as important in a friendship. Have the student pass the ball
of yarn to another student to continue the “web” until everyone has identified
one quality that is important to her or him. Before “cleaning up” web connect
the image of a web to friendship (interconnected, reliant upon many parts,
etc.)

Discussion: Have students continue to talk about friendship qualities. Some questions to ask include:
 Is your view of friendship the same as everyone else in the group? What is
different?
 Why is a certain quality more important to you than others?
 Are there different ways to act with different friends? (ex: acquaintances,
close friends)

 What are some easy/difficult things about maintaining friendships?
 Do they have friends that have some of these qualities?
 What do they think makes them a good friend?
Homework: Introduce the idea of homework and explain its purpose in helping to
transfer the things discussed in the group to their everyday life. Have students pay
attention to interactions that they have with their peers until the next session. What
friendship qualities do they already exhibit? Are they happy with their friendships?
What is missing (from what they do and from what others do) Have students write self observations down and keep observations in friendship folder to discuss at next meeting.
Evaluation: Students evaluated based upon their ability to identify and discuss
friendship skills.

Teaching Social Skills to Enhance Friendship
Session : Conversation and Listening Skills

Author: Emily Worsnopp
Grade Level: 6/7
Group Size: 5 students
Time: 30 minutes
Setting: Small office (counseling office or conference room) with chairs set up in a
circle

Goals:
ASCA Personal/Social Standard A: Students will acquire the knowledge, attitudes, and interpersonal skills to help them understand and respect self and others.
NYS CDOS Standard 3a: Universal Foundation Skills
NYS ELA Standard 4: Language for Social Interaction
NYS Arts Standard 1: Creating, Performing and Participating in the Arts
Objective: Students will be able to effectively initiate and maintain a conversation and understand how conversation skills are important to friendship development and maintenance.
Materials: Conversation and Listening Skills worksheet
Procedure:
Follow-Up on Homework Discussion:
 Begin by having students discuss reactions to homework from previous week.
 What did they discover? How did interactions with peers make them feel? How do they feel about their current friendships?
 Have students name one of the qualities identified in Session 2 that they
exhibited.
 Transition to new Lesson: Expanding your social network and communicating
effectively with others:

 Begin by discussing why being able to effectively start conversations and
communicate with others is essential to developing successful relationships. It is
important to know how to start, continue and end conversations for success.
 Ask student to discuss what is scary/easy about starting new conversations, and what is challenging for them about having conversations, especially with new people.
 Pass out “Conversation skills and Listening Skills” worksheet and discuss.
 Have group members role play conversation skills (ask for volunteers).
Encourage all students to participate. Ask members to come up with situations
that might be challenging for them. Examples might include meeting a new
person, asking for help, pairing up with someone for a class project.
 Have student reflect on role-play. How did it feel to be the one initiating the
conversation? Responding?

Conversation and Listening Skills

 Approach with confidence.
 Make eye contact.
 Ask questions about things that interest the other person.
 Focus on the person talking.
 Get your point across without interrupting.
 Listen and respond actively.
 Close conversation appropriately. (“It’s been nice talking”,
“See you later”)

Teaching Social Skills to Enhance Friendship
Session : Understanding Body Language

Author: Emily Worsnopp
Grade Level: 6/7
Group Size: 5 students
Time: 30 minutes

Setting: Small office (counseling office or conference room) with chairs set up in a circle
Goals:
ASCA Personal/Social Standard A: Students will acquire the knowledge, attitudes, and interpersonal skills to help them understand and respect self and others.
NYS CDOS Standard 3a: Universal Foundation Skills
NYS ELA Standard 4: Language for Social Interaction
NYS Arts Standard 1: Creating, Performing and Participating in the Arts
Objective: Students will be able to effectively demonstrate and describe positive and negative body language and relate these skills to friendship enhancement.
Materials: Body Language in Communication handout
Procedure:
Homework Review:
 Use “go around” method and ask students to share conversation experiences.
Were they able to initate conversations? What was difficult about it? What was
easy? Did they learn anything?
Transition to new topic:
 Explain the importance of body language for communicating.
 Pass out Body Language in Communication worksheet and discuss body language “dos” and “don’ts” and review worksheet. Practice body language styles on sheet, and encourage students to have fun with it, especially the “don’ts” category.
 Have students get into pairs. One pair at a time, have student briefly talk about
any topic. One person should talk and the other should demonstrate body
language “don’ts”. Have partners switch roles but now have the listener
demontrate body language “dos”. After each group has gone have students go
around the room and discuss behaviors that they noticed and how it made them
feel (as the listener and talker).
 Did members notice any ways that they (or others) use body language effectively
in the group? Go around and ask people how they think their body language
impacts how peers view them. How can body language impact friendship?
Evaluation: Students are evaluated based upon their ability to effectively describe and demonstrate appropriate and negative body language and discuss the importance of body language to friendship enhancement.

Body Language in Communication

The communication process is nonverbal as well as verbal. Behavior expresses meaning,
sometimes more clearly than words. To be effective in our relationships with others, we
need to be able to tune into body language and tone of voice. Did you know

 70% of our communication comes through our body language.
 23% of our communication is through our tone of voice.
 7% of what we communicate is through our words.

We need to pay attention to how we say things as well as what we say.

Dos Don’ts
Eyes good eye contact Stare, glare, jittery, no eye contact

Voice (volume) loud enough to be heard clearly too soft or loud

Voice (tone) tone communicates
understanding – disinterested, gruff tone, sarcastic

Facial expressions matches your own or other’s feeling; smile frown, yawn, sigh, scowl, blank look

Posture

leaning forward slightly, relaxed

leaning away, rigid,
slouching, crossing arms
Movement toward away
Distance arm’s length too close (less than 2 feet) / too far (more than five feet)

Teaching Social Skills to Enhance Friendship
Session : Problem Solving and Termination

Author: Emily Worsnopp
Grade Level: 6-8

Group Size: 5-7 students
Time: 30 minutes
Setting: Small office (counseling office or conference room) with chairs set up in a
circle

Goals:
ASCA Personal/Social Standard A: Students will acquire the knowledge, attitudes, and interpersonal skills to help them understand and respect self and others.
ASCA Personal/Social Standard B: Students will make decisions, set goals and take
necessary actions to achieve goals.
NYS CDOS Standard 3a: Universal Foundation Skills
NYS ELA Standard 4: Language for Social Interaction
NYS Arts Standard 1: Creating, Performing and Participating in the Arts
Objective: Students will be able to identify problem solving steps and apply them
effectively to solve interpersonal conflicts.
Materials: Problem Solving Steps worksheet for each student. Easel or
white/blackboard and markers/chalk for brainstorming activity.
Procedure:
 Explain to students that sometimes, even with good friends, we can encounter
conflicts with our friends that might be difficult to solve.
 Pass out Problem Solving Steps worksheet and explain that there are specific
steps that people can take to solve a problem with friends. Using these problems
can help to alleviate stress and avoid more difficult situations with friends in the
future.
 Ask students to volunteer a situation (real or imaginary) that demonstrates a
problem that friends can experience.
 After a situation has been established, work with students to help them see how
they can use the problem solving steps to solve problems with their friends. To
help with choosing the best solution, have students discuss them and role play
some possible solutions. After role plays, have the participants and group
members discuss if the scenario worked, or how a better solution can be reached.
Termination:
 Use the “go around” method to have each participant talk about what they feel
that they are best taking away from the group. Have they made progress with
making and keeping friendships? What has been useful to them? How confident
are they feeling about being able to use the skills in the group to help improve
their friendships in the future?
Evaluation: Students are evaluated based upon their ability to apply problem solving techniques to role play exercises.

Problem Solving Steps

1: Identify the problem.

2: Think of ALL possible solutions. Write them down if you can,
or talk them out with someone.

3: Think about the consequences of each possible solution. Ask
yourself “What could happen if I did this?” Think about how each
solution impacts you and others.

4: Choose the best solution.

5: Put the solution into action! If appropriate, practice the solution
with someone else before hand.

References

Brigman, G. & Goodman, B. E. (2001). Communicating with body language. Group
Counseling for School Counselors: A Practical Guide (pp. 167-168). Portland,
ME: J. Weston Walch.
Forth, S. (2004). Lesson 32: What is a healthy choice? New York State school
counselor
association comprehensive school counseling program: Middle level activity
book (pp. 73-75). New York: New York State School Counselor Association.

Hulse, C. M. (2004). Lesson 38: The spider web. New York State school counselor
association comprehensive school counseling program: Middle level activity
book (pp. 88-89). New York: New York State School Counselor Association.
Lefrancois, G. R. (1999). The Lifespan (6 th ed.). Belmont, CA: Wadsworth Publishing
Company.
Richardson, R. C. & Evans, E. T. (1996). Rules for listening. Connecting with others:
Lessons for teaching social and emotional competence, grades 6-8 (p. 82).
Champaign, IL: Research Press, p. 82.
Sunwolf & Leets, L. (2004). Being left out: Rejecting outsiders and communicating
group
boundaries in childhood and adolescent peer groups. Journal of Applied
Communication Research, 32(3), 195-223.
Waksman, S. & Waskman, D. D. (1998). Conversation Skills. The waksman social skills
curriculum for adolescents: An assertiveness behavior program (4 th ed.) (pp. 31-
35). Austin, TX:Pro-Ed.
Wentzel, K. R. & Caldwell, K. (1997). Friendships, peer acceptance, and group
membership:
Relations to academic achievement in middle school. Child Development, 68(6),
1198-1209.

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BILLY’S COMMENTS : This and the adjacent articles – ‘Suggested Questions for
Initiating a Conversation’ by GGSC and ‘Ice Breakers‘ by Stephen Smuin all focus on Methods. Indeed, TEACHING HOW is equally important as LEARNING WHY.

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