Nona Mock Wyman at her store Ming Quong – Radiant Light – Walnut Creek, California, U.S.A.
Nona Mock Wyman was only 2 years old when she was abandoned at the Ming Quong orphanage in Los Gatos in 1935. One of her earliest memories is watching her mother walk out the door and never return. While she will never forget the pain of that loss, Wyman is a survivor. She has authored four books : Chopstick Childhood in a Tow 1997 – Bamboo Women 2012 – Ten Thousand Flowers 2015 – Chopstick Childhood 2018. She has kept in touch with her friends. _________________________________________________________
Billy : I started website <https://MingSingLee.com> presenting articles shining light on various aspects of Friendship & Friendshipology. Would love to have a brief article from you, Nona, on how you keep in touch with your childhood friends etc. etc.. RSVP Cheers !
Nina : seems the way I correspond w/Ming Quong ‘girls’ is –‘from the heart.’ what speaks 2 me, I forward; 4 example, Elena’s letter reignites, as she is a dedicated, respectful person; plus I’m aware of Maeley Tom –so forward to my MQ alumnis. running MQ store, I c more people, so that helps ! after writing 4 books & newsletters to my customers we connected
Nina : SO – MY ADVICE TO CONNECT WITH FRIENDS & ( MY CHILDHOOD FRIENDS ) : SIMPLY: WRITE FROM YOUR HEART
Nona Mock Wyman Ming Quong — Radiant Light 1517 1/2 North Main St Walnut Creek, CA 94596 11-6, Mon-Sat Nona- (925)939-8346
DR.ROBERT C.K. Lee SHARES HIS GRATEFUL THOUGHTS – JUNE 2020
There was a story about a Chinese farmer in the Sung dynasty. He had to carry water daily from the near by river to his house. He had two barrels to catch the water and then carry it home with a pole on his shoulder. The trouble was that one of the barrels had a slow leak so that half of the water was gone when he got home. He tried to fix it but was not successful. As he did this task many times a day, he was very frustreated. After a few days, however, he noticed that flowers and grass began to glow on the path where the water was spilled. He switched the leaky barrel from side to side and created a beautiful pathway. What he did not know is that some of the flowers we see today may have come from the seeds of this farmer.
This is why I believe in the statement:
“What we do in life echoes in eternity, good or bad!”
Today, I want to share with you how people have helped me throughout my life.
When I came to California in 1950, to study in an aircraft mechanic school. I was a typical modern Chinese student. I worshipped science and considered all religions superstitions and crutches were for the weak. My major problem was that my dormitory did not serve food on Sundays. Since I had no means of transportation, I had to walk miles for food.
Then a gracious American lady, Mrs. Grannas, invited me, a stranger, to her home for Sunday dinner with her family. She first picked me up for church, and then we drove to her house for dinner. I did not become a Christian, but I did receive a “certificate of faithful attendance” from the church. I truly appreciated her kindness, and the Sunday dinners were heaven-sent.
Later that year at a Christmas party, she gave me a small Bible. I was very disappointed. I thought I at least rated a tie! For some strange reason, I kept the Bible with me, though I never read it. I am sure that she was disappointed with me, but six years later, God answered her prayers.
(When I finally did accept Christ, I wrote to Mrs. Grannas to thank her for her kindness many years ago. Unknown to me, she was facing a family crisis at the time and felt she was a failure. My letter encouraged her, and she went to the Philippines and helped run an orphanage! What she did there will echo in eternity! Blessings always boomerang! But I’m getting head of myself.)
My MIT Years
Even though I didn’t believe in God, by a strange change of destiny, I now call a miracle. I was accepted at MIT to study Aeronautics and Astronautics (now called Aerospace Engineering). I was again given a new tomorrow.
Throughout my first five years at MIT, (’51 to ‘56), I was a confirmed atheist. Many Christians tried to witness to me, but none succeeded. I was very 牙刷 (toothbrush – in Cantonese, it means one is a know-it-all, very proud of himself). I was also taught while I was in China, that a man should be 顶天立地 (standing on earth with head hitting the sky).
I was so excited when I arrived at MIT in 1951, I went to the book store (called the COOP) to buy my foot-long slide-rule. (Needed for all scientific calculations; there was no PC or iPad in those days). I clipped the slide-rule on my belt and felt like the newest gunslinger in town! Then the textbooks weighed heavily on my hand. I wondered how I could understand all that… well, one page at a time.
Since I have not taken a formal course in English, I always have problems in spelling and grammar. I wondered how I could complete with all those top students from all the high-class Prep schools.
Fortunately, I was introduced to the FF fraternity by brothers Larry Ho, Billy Lee and others. I got to know many senior brothers who help guided and encouraged me through the difficult times.
Throughout my first five years at MIT, I held true to my belief that science had all the answers. Many Christians have tried to influence me, but my ego was strong so none succeeded.
In the meantime, different people often gave help to me in my needy hours. I was surprised that most cared for me without demanding anything in return. I often wondered why.
To this day, I am particularly grateful to Mr. C. T. Loo, who provided the C. T. Loo Fellowship, which allowed me to finish my education.
During my senior year at MIT, I was involved in a minor traffic accident. Without legal representation, the other party’s lawyer literally took me by the feet and shook every penny out of me. I was totally broke. Without the fellowship, I would have had to drop out of school and work as an illegal immigrant!
Some people would say that I won that fellowship in fair competition with other applicants. Nevertheless, I’m truly thankful and indebted to someone—a total stranger —who was willing to give unselfishly of his own resources to empower a needy young man with a “new tomorrow.” Mr. Loo also helped many other students finished their education. Indeed, what he did in life, echoes in eternity!
In graduate school, I discovered a shocking truth: the more I learned, the more I realized that I do not know! Even today, each new discovery leads me to a deeper mystery.
Though science has made tremendous strides, we are usually stuck when we ask a few basic questions such as:
Q: Why is the grass green?
A: Because it contains chlorophyll.
Q: Why chlorophyll?
A: It is needed to convert carbon dioxide into oxygen. It is part of our ecosystem.
Q: Why?
A: It just is.
After earning my master’s degree, I was offered an excellent job in the research department at Honeywell in the aeronautical division in Minneapolis, Minnesota.
For the first time, I had a good amount of money. I bought a new car, a new stereo system, a TV, a hunting rifle, a shotgun, and everything else a young bachelor would want (all on credit!).
I did well in my work. Yet, my life felt empty. Some unknown things were missing. I was challenged by these questions: What is truth? What makes something right or wrong? What is the meaning and purpose of my life? Is tomorrow just more food and drink and work? I felt like a person all dressed up with no place to go. I hunted for the answer to four important questions:
Is anybody up there?
Does anyone care?
Why am I here?
Where am I going?
My Search for God
As I searched for the answers, I found Sir Isaac Newton was a great scientist and a devout Christian. He was an excellent, part-time preacher. Some people asked him, “Why, when faced with such a wonderful gospel message, do some people still reject God?”
He answered, “Sometimes I’ve absent-mindedly tried to light my candle with the extinguishing cover on. It wouldn’t work. It is not that the candle doesn’t work, but something I did blocked it from lighting.”
Everyone has his own blocker.
My ego was mine. With my education and intelligence, I proudly presumed my intellectual ability probably ranked in the top percentiles of the U.S., if not in the world. Yet the more I studied the beauty and design of nature, the more my own work shrank to insignificance. Being in awe of the complexity of nature, we’re faced with a great dilemma. To say that “nothing” or “time” alone has built the world takes a great deal of faith in “nothing”, a true superstition! (The second law of thermodynamics would also have to be thrown out!)
Many scientists believe we came from “the big bang”, a cosmic accident. But what caused the big bang? Where did all the hydrogen and gravity come from? My questions continued.
Looking at the beauty and wonders of nature, one must ask the question: Are these all evolve from nothing or by “intelligent design”.
Surprisingly, I was introduced to God through the study of babies. When I found God in 1956, I was a bachelor. An older engineer tried to witness to me. I again out-argued him. He threw a book at me and said: “If you are so smart, tell me how this is done!”
It was a book that presented pictures of a baby’s development from week to week prior to birth. Unfortunately, that old book can no longer be found, however, we can get some up to date pictures from Google. In the 9th week, the baby is fully formed, it weighs just one ounce!
From the study of biology, I knew about sperm and egg cells. Once they unite, the fertilized egg cell starts dividing the way all cells do. However, how did some of those cells become the liver, kidneys, brain, skin, and bones?
Furthermore, how does the baby know the correct areas to place these organs in the body and connected them, so they work together properly? Do you know that the baby’s heart starts beating at the fifth week after conception, and there’s no blood yet to pump? We did not know much about genes and DNA in 1956. Today we know much more about them, and yet the mystery deepens. (See “The Language of God” by Dr. Francis S. Collins. Director of NIH (National Institute of Health) – He turned from an atheist to a believer by studying the complexity of the human genes and DNA).
As a scientist and aircraft mechanic, I knew how to build an airplane. One must carefully design it, build the parts, and fit them together carefully. One must connect all the wirings and test them to make sure that they work together.
How does a baby know to do that? Some well-meaning Christian friend told me the Bible says: “We’re wonderfully made.” And then he quoted me the scripture: “For you (God) created my inmost being you knit me together in my mother’s womb” Psalm 139:13. Ha! There must be a scientific answer.
After much study, I had to admit and said: Lord, “I surrender!”
I got off my high horse and opened my mind to studying the Bible. By chance, (now I call it Divine Providence), I was invited to a Chinese Christian Fellowship meeting by my friend Fred Shaw (Hsiao). CCF was started by an old widow, Mrs. Torjeson. Her husband, a missionary to China, was killed by the Japanese during World War II. Mrs. Torjeson single-handedly and successfully raised four small children while starting this organization. Though she was a slightly built, poor widow, she was a tower of strength. Largely through her efforts and love, and that of others in her organization, I was challenged with questions and found my answers in the Bible.
For example, I discovered my pride was a sin. Yes, I was like an ignorant, prideful man who refused any spiritual instruction, yet all the while, knowing deep down, I knew that I did not have the answers.
Someone once said that the Bible is an acronym for: Basic Information Before Leaving Earth. Interesting!
Once I opened my mind and heart, I made my peace with God and started my spiritual journey and adventure. Countless Chinese students from the university also discovered Christianity at the same place. Truly, what Mrs. Torjeson did will echo loudly in eternity!
Recently, I took on an “Almost an Impossible Task”, that of trying to understand how our brain work?
Yes, our brain is one of the most studied subjects in the world. In recent years, we have developed tools that allow us to measure all the activities of the brain and know which part is responsible for what function, yet, we still don’t know how it works. For example: The brain weights less than 4 pounds and yet it uses 20% of our blood. It contains 100 billion neurons, one thousand trillion synapses, more than all the stars in our galaxy! How do they all fit into a 4 pound brain and worked together? Tell me if you can.
Here are a few simple examples:
1. Our amazing brain (mental integration )
Try this experiment with me: Turn on your TV set and watch a program. Now, block your right eye with a book held a few inches from the right eye that completely blocks out the TV images.
Now open both eyes, you can see right through the book! Amazing!! Now, with both eye open, you can also read the book! How? The brain can integrate and understand the information from both eyes and put the pictures together mentally. Incredible!
Now, try another experiment, put your opened hand in front of your nose and separate your two eyes. You see different pictures with each eye. Yet if you open both eyes, you see the whole picture as if the hand were not there. Amazing! This is called “mental integration.” Your brain or mind can put the two different pictures together as one! And you can judge distance (parallax) as well.
There is a movie called: “The Winning Team” starring Ronald Reagan, before he became our president. It is a story about the famous baseball pitcher Grover Cleveland Alexander, he was doing very well until he got hit on the head by a baseball and experienced “double vision”. He lost his “mental integration”. He saw two pictures with his eyes and could no longer pitch. Fortunately, he regained his “mental integration” after some rests and was able to finish his wonderful career! If you have not seen this picture, get the DVD or watch it on You-tube. (Co-star with Doris Day!) Well worth watching!
2. Hunters and prey
Have you ever noticed that animals that are hunters have their eyes in front (e.g.: humans, Lions, tigers, dogs, eagles and owls), while the prey animals (cows horses, deer, birds have their eyes on the side of their heads.)
Side eye placement allows for greater peripheral or side vision. This enables the animal to see predators approaching from the side as well as from behind. That is why it is extremely hard to sneak up on a bird.
It is interesting to note that the birds can see everything (almost 360 degrees) via mental integration, but how do they judge distances? I saw a sparrow flying very fast toward a fence; I thought for sure it would hit it. Yet, when it got close, it flapped its wings backwards and stop and landed on the fence. How does a bird judge distance? Do you know?
Answer: It does this task by moving its head constantly from side to side or up and down to get depth perception. Amazing!
It is even more amazing to know that all that beautiful flying and coordinated maneuvers are done and controlled by electrical impulses from a little brain no bigger than a bean.
If you have interest in this area, please join me in this research. No one knows yet how our memory and creative thinking work. Share with me your findings. My email is drrcklee@gmail.com. Thank you!
Dr. Leeis a retired rocket scientist. He earned his Ph.D. in Aerospace Engineering from MIT. He worked more than twenty years in the aerospace industry. He was also an engineering professor at the University of California at Irvine. He was listed in Who’s Who in the West 1970– 1971. He has served as chairman and CEO of several companies. He was elected as “Entrepreneur of the Year 2004” by the ABAOC. He wrote several motivational books: “Build the Rainbow of your success”; and many other books, His latest book is: “Building Smart Kids in Challenging Times” All are available in Amazon.com
My friend and FF Fraternity Brother Billy Lee asked me this question: “What makes a friendship click and bond for the long haul?” He added: “I know you have a lot of experience in inspiring people, young and old, individually and collectively. How about writing an essay shining light on this topic?” The way Bro. Billy asked the question made me feel appreciated and gave me a sense of importance, two important criteria to build trusted and lasting friendships.
I will begin by highlighting a few simple principles that I have learned from my 32 years of working at Hewlett Packard. I will conclude by sharing a recent example of building friendship while mentoring six young professionals during 2018-2019.
Bill Hewlett and Dave Packard, the two founders of Hewlett Packard, have instilled in me an important principle, simple to state, but difficult to implement. That is, think first of the other person. How do I listen to understand the other person? How do I respect the other person’s personality rights? How do I build up the other person’s sense of importance? How do I give sincere appreciation to others?
To form stronger and more durable relationships at Hewlett Packard, I have also learned to smartly erase the line between “personal” and “professional” relationships. For professional business relationships, I had to articulate a shared vision, develop ambitious goals, delegate responsibilities, and drive for results. For personal relationships, I had to be a warm, casual, vulnerable and empathetic human. This was not about choosing one over the other. Both were required, at all times.
I have been a volunteer at the Monte Jade Science & Technology Association mentoring young professionals in Silicon Valley since 2009. Typically we had ten executive mentors, each hosting a small group of 5 to 6 mentees, for an annual class of 50-60 participants. I asked each of the six mentees from my mentoring group of 2018-19 to research a leadership topic of their choice, and lead a group discussion by sharing examples of successes and failures they have encountered. I emphasized: “This is not a presentation. Rather, you must draw out ideas and comments from the others … and lead a discussion while highlighting their viewpoints.” I coached them with tips on how to think first of the other person.
Twelve weeks and six discussions later, the results were rather astounding. Not only did they pick up valuable insights related to the chosen leadership topics, they were clicking and bonding with each other in ways that I had not accomplished in my prior mentoring groups. They felt like a family wanting to help each other.
Taking advantage of this opportunity, I wanted to drive home the importance of erasing the line between “personal” and “professional” relationships. At this time, they saw me as the respected teacher/mentor, a professional relationship. Breaking tradition with the other group mentors, I invited my mentees and their spouse to my home celebrating the Christmas holidays. I requested two things: Bring your best dish to share. Wear a pair of socks with an attitude that makes a statement about you.
Again, the results were astounding. Because I was willing to share my home with them, introduce them to my wife, share my socks with an attitude, and demonstrate our warm, casual and vulnerable behaviors … they responded by clicking and bonding with me and my spouse, and even more with each other. Their personal stories about their best dishes, and their statements for the choice of socks revealed their warmness, casualness and vulnerability.
The story did not end here. Six months later we regrouped on a beautiful Saturday and visited three wineries in the Mountains of Santa Cruz. One year later, four of the six mentees returned to Monte Jade to give back and lead programs for us.
Larry Chang, June 15, 2020
Executive Advisor, Ascend Leadership
Executive Mentor, Monte Jade Science & Technology Assoiciation
I am a volunteer at Cupertino Senior Center teaching Conversational English to an audience of foreign students. The theme is in the area of conversation, on the virtues of being good to others and developing friendships. Billy and I met a few years back. His very being has always been focused on developing friendships. I admire his on-going love for his fellow man/woman, perhaps that is why we headed off so well. Billy asked me to write a short essay on friendship but I’m going to deviate to Virus and Our Legacy as it seems more natural at this time to think about how Covid-19 is affecting us.
Our lives are defined by time, whether we are gifted with a long or short one, we need to better exploit it. Many of the excuses we’ve all heard in the past have been, I’m too busy or I don’t have the time. Personally I try not to prescribe to those thoughts, rather it is a matter of prioritizing within a busy schedule. Friendshipology as Billy would say, is a state of mind and a way of life. Like any habit, it comes naturally and instinctively. My hope in the aftermath of this virus, is that it will bring all of us and the world closer together.
The Covid 19 Pandemic has been devastating, particularly to those who have lost a love one or knowing of someone who has. In times of social distancing, shelter in place, work from home, face masks, no dining out, no social gatherings, etc., our way of life literally changed over night. Since mid-March, my classes have been canceled but I still have phone calls with a number of my students. Inevitably, our conversations always come around to how boring and confined life has become. I tell them, circumstances are what they are and we have to set different priorities. Yes, things have changed and we can change as well. We can bring added light to those we love.
Most of my students are grandparents living with their son’s and daughter’s families. Everyone is home pretty much all day long because of the recent mandate. I tell them, instead of focusing on the negatives of the shelter in place, prioritize your thoughts on the grandchildren and the family unit. There are no excuses now that we’re too busy or we don’t have time. This is a opportunity for the grandkids to learn more about us as grandparents and our parents – our history. Often times, they think we are just old people who are there to care and cook for them. We have a rich and colorful history to tell; in hopes of someday, they’ll be sharing our story to their very own. With only 1 hour a week, we can help keep us alive for generations to come. Legacy becomes tradition.
Billy’s notes: I was invited to talk to Phil’s “Senior” students couple of years ago. I noticed that the students held very high respect for Phil as he had well prepared and useful advice for them. As a group, the students interacted very warmly. It seemed more like a friendly social club to me. After the talk, I joined many of them to lunch at a nearby Chinese restaurant – sharing food together and sharing laughs.
When my FF Fraternity Brother, Billy Lee, invited me to contribute an article for his Friendshipology website, I was flattered and surprised. I was impressed by the thoughts and sentiments of himself and others already on the website, and felt it difficult to add to them !
But he encouraged me nonetheless. So here it goes.
I think most people play golf most often with their friends, and I also often do so. But I also enjoy “walking up” to a golf course and asking if there’s room in a group for me to join in. Often there is a group of less than four, and I can be added on. Needless to say, that means I play a lot with “strangers”.
I’ve spoken with many friends who tell me they would never do that. They fear the group may not be friendly and may not like them, and they are nervous that their golf skills will be viewed with scorn.
Sure, that could happen. But in my experience, it never did, and even if it does, it’s not the end of the world. And so I play Casual Golf with strangers.
When meeting a person for the first time, I start off with the standard questions: Do you play here often? Where do you live? Are you working? What did you do before you retired? I ask these questions to express my interest in them as individuals. From their answers, I get a sense of whether they are interested in sharing. Most often they are, and we go merrily from there.
Now, I think a key part of my approach is just enjoying the game, the company of my new comrades, celebrating their good shots, commiserating their “unfortunate” ones, gentle (and cautious) teasing, and laughing at my own miscues as well as undeserved good luck (my actual best golf attribute). I inevitably find much of interest in my new friends, and always learn something of value or enjoyment. And as importantly, I almost always find that I enjoy their amazing personalities. To me, the scores don’t matter. In one of my songs, I cajoled a golf buddy not to get so upset and overly conscientious in his golf game:
Cast aside your scores and you will find
That failure is just a state of mind.
Close your eyes, you’ll clearly see:
The journey can set your spirit free!
It’s really all about Experiencing the Experience, and I try to do my part to make it fun for all.
As we go through the round, I push gently into certain topics to get a sense of their willingness to express opinions and feelings. If there is resistance, I back off. But usually, we develop trust in each other, a willingness to expose ourselves and risk judgement. And at the end of the round, there is almost always genuine warmth and comradery.
Some may say, why “waste” the time and effort on people you may never see again? But I truly enjoy the time and interaction. Making friends on our path through life, even if fleeting, has value unto itself. And sometimes, we do happen to get matched up again!
I take this same general approach in all my interactions off the golf course: I try to learn about others and let myself be vulnerable to their judgements by gently showing who I am and my personal beliefs.
I believe much of the hatred and fear that seem too common today could not happen if we really knew more about each other. I think if everyone took a little time and interest in really getting to know each other, we would achieve much more than tolerance. We would achieve true Empathy, Understanding…and Friendship.
Billy’s notes: Mike is someone who really knows how to enjoy Life. He loves Work as much as Play. He loves singing and composing songs. He loves drawing cartoons with subtle humor. ( He did the cartoon above ). He loves cooking – Eastern or Western. He loves people and exchanging jokes. He loves his wife Karen – just cooked a special dish for her birthday, a day ago.
This take on friendship is from Bill Shilstone, 81, retired newspaper journalist, Navy veteran and one of Billy’s many tennis victims.
Grandparents are supposed to be role models for grandchildren, but I have a graduating eighth-grader who has taught ME about friendship. He’s only 14, but he has always had more concern for others than for himself. His mother put it in a graduation message to him. (His name is Billy, too.)
“I am so grateful to have been able to watch you win the spelling bee this year. … But you know what made my heart burst with pride was the friendship that you showed to Kathleen, even in the heat and intensity of the final rounds. What was clearly more important to you was to share that experience with a close friend. That is the part of you, Billy, that makes me most proud, and that I see every time I look at you. Your compassion for others, your zest for the joy of life’s experiences, and your ability to engage with others, and make them feel good. Seems to make you feel good too, and that’s quite a gift.”
Where does that feel for friendship come from? I’d say good parenting. But maybe not. Can you teach friendship in a Friendshipology 101 class, or do you either have it or you don’t (nature vs. nurture)?
What could be studied in Friendshipology? Appreciation for all cultures, colors and points of view, of course. How about two years of mandatory public service, as in Peace Corps, Green Conservation Corps, Neighbors Abroad?
Or study Intense Rivalry and Competition. What’s better than watching two top-level tennis players hug at the net after spending hours trying to beat each other? Or spelling bee contestants.
Study Disney. Think of “Never Had a Friend Like Me” from “Aladdin” or “You’ve Got a Friend in Me” from “Toy Story.”
BILLY’s NOTES: Bill Shisltone (Bill) and Billy Lee (Billy) are members of a 70 AND-OVER group of tennis buddies who meet twice weekly to test what’s left of their muscles and brains. Billy is a reliable attendant. Bill, however, often could not make it due to his grandchildren baby-sitting duties. Bill is very close to and proud of his grandchildren. In Bill’s article above, I indeed learned most from Little Billy’s mother. Her right words at the right time produce Miracles !
Jane Constantineau is a ghostwriter, editor, and book reviewer who specializes in biographies and memoirs. For more information, visit www.janeconstantineau.com.
Watching My Words
I work with words every day as a writer, editor, and book reviewer. My job often involves critiquing and changing people’s writing. While some old pros are unfazed by the angry-looking pencil marks of an editor or the cutting criticism of a book reviewer, most writers feel about one inch tall when someone finds fault with their work.
As a writer myself I have worked with many perfectly nice editors who I thought were really mean. This is the nature of getting feedback on our writing—it hurts. When I work as an editor, I never forget that writing makes us vulnerable, exposing a soft, sensitive underbelly that should be handled with care.
I take a piece of writing as seriously as the writer did, reading closely to discover big picture themes, structure, tone, and voice. If I feel an author missed the mark, I figure out why. Often, I can see what someone wanted to achieve and help them do it more effectively.
Also, I find bright spots in every manuscript, no matter how rough. All writers have a unique writing voice. Two people could convey the same information, and it would sound delightfully different. Developing a voice takes time and practice, but I can always find glimpses of it and help writers draw it out.
Finally, I try to convey to the clients I work with that writing is an art and a craft that never stops evolving and improving. Even the most seasoned writers revise their work endlessly, striving for perfection but rarely content that they have achieved it.
It would be a disservice to withhold honest criticism that could help a writer improve. But it would be worse to crush the spirit of someone trying their best. Editors walk that line, knowing that we might bruise egos but hoping that the superficial wound will heal and create a deeper understanding of the writing craft.
Billy’s notes: As classmate Ed Nef’s advisor on his forth-coming new book, which will include one of my articles, Jane advised that I change or delete a few words that may cause misunderstanding – even emotional discomfort. She was most thoughtful and diplomatic. I followed her advise and invited her to share some of her thoughts if she has the time. I thought that her skill and experience can help us all in our Friendship and Relationship Building. She generously provided the article above. Thank you, Jane !
Phillips Academy Andover, located at Andover, Massachusetts, U.S.A. is indeed a wonderful Prep School for preparing young boys and girls to become good adult citizens. Its mottos as shown on the seal above are: “Non Sibi” ( Not For Self ) and “Fini Origine Pendet” ( The End Depends On The Beginning ). The school excels in “Humanities” and strives for “Knowledge & Goodness”. Prominent lecturers like Professors Angela Duckworth and Carol Dweck came to lecture on Definition of Character – The Heart, The Mind, and The Will, as well as Motivations, Strategies, and Creating Opportunities. The School gives equal emphasis on Academic Excellence as well as Personal Character. It encourages Inclusiveness, Diversity, Love, Caring, and Empathy. Indeed, I believe that it is a superb Incubator for training and building World Citizens. I learned that last year it had students attending from 52 different countries and 43 different states, and it has an outstanding “Learning In the World” program.
Part of the 500 acre campus
Not often talked about is the Friendships formed as students, faculties, and alumni (ae) of Phillips Andover. Thus I like to take this opportunity to introduce a special friend and classmate, George Rider, an “ Admired Jock” in Football, Hockey, and LaCross during our school years, a successful Wall Street Financier throughout his adult life, and an accomplished writer and author after retirement. He is the author of “ The Rogue’s Road to Retirement “- published in 2015, and he has a new book coming: “All Ahead Full. 88 Years in My Wake”.
George has been our PA’51 class’s long time Alumni Correspondence Secretary. I did not realize how important that role was until I started to study and do research on Friendship and Friendshipology. Due to his personal enthusiasm and his creative writing skill, his columns in PA Alumni Magazines have always been something that many classmates and myself look forward to reading with high anticipation. More than other class reports, his news stir up deep feelings joyful or sad. This actually has helped many of us know many other classmates much deeper and more appreciatively. George has been, indeed, our CONNECTOR, our GLUE, our FACILITATOR, and I must point out that he has always shown real appreciation for his “International Friends” – myself included luckily.
Last week, George sent me a section of his upcoming book- a section titled: “SOME ENCHANTED AFTERNOON “ Friendship “YOU’VE GOT TO BE CAREFULLY TAUGHT”. He started off with “ I pinch myself, as I am reminded about how lucky I am. —— thoughts turned to Andover and four “International Classmates” directly affected by WWII. ” Presented below are portions of what George wrote about Billy MingSing Lee, George Strzetelski. Frank Yatsu, and Steve Yamamoto.
“ Billy came to America as the “lucky son of a prominent HongKong movie producer”. ——In Billy’s third year, his father’s business collapsed, Andover came to Billy’s rescue and granted him a full scholarship and a job washing dishes in the Beanery ( Kitchen & Dining Halls ). —–He went on to captain Andover’s soccer team and starred at Yale —– has become an avid advocate of “Home Stays” in both US and China —–his current project: ”To Promote Friendship – Be A Friend”.
“ George Strzetelski was born in Warsaw, Poland. George’s family resources had been wiped out —-but with luck and the help of his mother’s hairdresser, who also had wife of Andover’s Headmaster Dr. Claude Feuss as a customer——George was awarded a scholarship to Andover and also a job in the Beanery with Billy. —— George later worked his way through Duke University and Boston University School of Law.”
“In 1947, the term Political Correctness had not yet been hatched. The war and its aftermath were still front and center at the time when as 15 year-olds, we were just starting to grasp the significance of what had just happened, and were beginning to question why.”
“Frank Yatsu, first Asian American to become a trustee of Brown University—— at 8 years old was transported to a desert camp in Arizona which held 17,000 internees. —Frank expressed: “I was too young at the time to understand the political and cultural significance of the internment of the Japanese Americans, but the contrasting juxtaposition of interment and my attending Andover have made me realize the greatness of America- that it can learn from past prejudices and injustice to seek a more perfect union”. ——-Senior year, Frank was Head Waiter at the Beanery as well as President of our Student Council.”
“ Of all the wonderful, enduring friendships I made at Andover, Steve Yamamoto’s story and how he arrived at Andover is the most compelling. —–Steve came from a family of three generations of naval officers –all Admirals. ——-in 1944 , when he was a 7th grader in Tokyo, attacks by B-24 and B-29s became more frequent —— they moved to a remote area along the Japan Sea coast. —— This first indiscriminate firebombing of Tokyo on March 10, 1945 claimed 8000 lives. Steve recounted, “ I vaguely remembered being with my father over the bombarded area from our yard. —-This was his farewell visit before going on his last naval mission with the Japanese navy. He was 42 when he died. ——- dropping of a “new type of bomb” on Hiroshima on August 6 —- August 15th recorded message by the Emperor —-Japan had surrendered—— There was a sense of relief that there would be no more air raids and no more black curtains to keep the house dark on hot summer nights.”
“ Steve’s mother spoke fluent English and got a job as a receptionist at what was to become the U.S. Embassy.—–On the basis of verbal aptitude test scores, school transcripts, and a few letters of recommendation, Steve was given a full scholarship to Andover. —– He came to Andover in the fall of 1950 from a still Allied Occupied Japan —– “I was oblivious to the possibility that there might be hostile reception in America. I encountered none when I arrived in San Francisco, and during the long bus ride to Washington D.C. a passenger even gave me one dollar for spending money.” ——- a classmate arranged a blind date for Steve to attend a tea dance with Shirley Young an Abbot Academy senior. She was Chinese. ” Shirley had every reason to refuse to be my blind date because of what had happened to her father in Manila during the Japanese occupation. Yet she agreed to come. I was mortified when she told me about what happened when we met. We parted “friends” and saw each other on occasion at Yale.” Many classmates may have assumed that Admiral Yamamoto who led the Pearl Harbor surprise attack was Steve’s father or grand-father, but we embraced Steve without prejudice. We later found out that they were indeed both Admiral Yamamoto but not the same person. “
As Class Secretary ( Alumni Correspondence Secretary ), George Rider has served as our communicator and made special efforts to induce many classmates to stay in touch and contribute to his columns. He received a “Message of Gratitude for Classmates” from Steve, prior to our 60th Reunion: “Thank you again for all your friendship. My Andover Year was very pleasant, rewarding, and an auspicious beginning of my very exciting life both in the United States and Japan.” Yamamoto received a full scholarship from Yale, graduated in 1955, Summa Cum Laude, A PhD from Yale also in Physics. Did his thesis on nuclear physics. —After 20 years of living and working in America, he returned to Japan with his wife Keiko and children. ——-In 1969 he accepted an offer from Tokyo University ——– Retired at 60 and was made professor emeritus.
Rider concluded in that chapter of his new book: “ My father used to say that Friendship is the finest ship that sails ! My four years at Andover were the defining years of my life. ( Indeed, Fini Origine Pendet ). Sharing the educational experience and the trials and tribulation of maturing, with classmates rich and poor, foreign and homegrown, standup individuals coping with situations common to all during our years together at Andover, has left an indelible imprint on me. Reflecting and Remembering in the afterglow is a dividend I will never cash ! My good fortune continues ! “
I like to take this opportunity to point out that Friendships initiated at Andover were thus further extended and nurtured. Classmate George Rider’s contribution as our Alumni Class Secretary has benefitted us all immeasurably. Giving his time, his skill, his heart and spirit for bringing out and sustaining Goodfeelings, and High Spirit among us Old Friends is truly a much appreciated and admirable NON SIBI ( Not for Self) Accomplishment .
Thank you, George ! Thank you, Phillips Academy Andover !
Larry, Frank, and Billy joined FF Fraternity together in Winter 1951. When BIlly asked Larry to contribute an article for this website, Larry selected the following article he wrote nine years ago to express his deep feelings about FRIENDSHIP.
Billy, Frank, and Larry together in early 1990s
My best friend, Frank Tung passed away five years ago on 11/15/06. I have known Frank longer than even his own immediate family – a total of 55 years since 1951 when we both worked at our first job in a summer resort in Vermont. Later we became college roommates and majored in the same discipline at MIT. We were also initiated into the same college Fraternity at the same time. In the fifties, fraternity hazing was at its height. I still remember the remark Frank made after the initiation, “If this is what they do to you when they picked you to be brothers, what happens when they don’t like you”. During college years we even chased after the same girl. But never became jealous of each other and Frank was far more successful. There is an old saying about love, “Men like to be a women’s First Love. Women like to be a man’s Last Love”. Both Frank and I shared that fortune. We proposed to our wives of over 50 years simultaneously (but separately of course) after a double date on Valentine’s Day in 1959. We were best men at each other’s wedding; Godparents to each other’s first-born son and had the same number of children and grandchildren. In terms of careers, except for a few years away in CA and MI resp., we each spent our entire adult life in Greater Boston in one job. To top it off, which two persons in the world can say that they share consecutive Social Security Numbers. Other moments we shared are too many to mention. But one example illustrates them. On the morning my wife and I were going to move into our first house, I came down with a kidney stone attack which was excruciatingly painful. I had to be hospitalized. Overnight there was a snowstorm in addition. In desperation and with two small children of 5 and 3 whom would my wife call? Frank quit work immediately and personally shoveled a path to our new house and helps settle in my wife and two small children. Thus, while we may not be brothers in blood, but certainly in name and in fact.
Finally, we retired within one year of each other. But Frank did not stop his public service. He was invited to chair a study sponsored by the prestigious National Academy of Engineering on FAA preparedness and restructuring. In his typically modest way, I don’t think he even mentioned this to me, his friend.
During retirement, we were members of a lunch club by the name of Romeo, which stands for “Retired Old Men Eating Out”. We took turns to pick a restaurant each month for a leisurely lunch from 11:30 am to past 2 pm. Members ages from 76 to 97. Thus Frank and I were at the younger end of the spectrum. The unofficial motto of the club which is also due to Shakespeare – a famous quote in which Shakespeare wrote “Isn’t it strange that “desire” outlives by so many years over “performance?” to which Frank and I always responded by “speak for yourself and not for me”. During these lunches, we talk about anything and everything, China, politics, religion, and even sex. Our first meeting next year will be at Frank’s favorite restaurant and we shall order his favorite dishes.
I think it is also fate that we never got to say goodbye to each other since I was away on an extended trip and did not even know he was seriously ill. In this sense and in my mind, he is still with us. This is only a temporary separation. So here to you, Frank. Reserve a seat at the Romeo table on the other side. I’ll be joining you in due time.
On this day of Thanksgiving and Remembrance in 2011, I am privileged to call Frank my Best Friend.
STEPHEN LEE – A Fellow Founding Member of The 1990 Institute – always there when Billy needs input in critical thinking .
Combination of words create mental images in our mind, often leading to emotion or tension in this case. Our reaction to these images may be action or more thoughts.
Among Bill’s friends, I am probably most unqualified to write about friendship, loyalty, or righteousness. On the other hand, because these words are not innate to me, encountering them together has stirred anew my thinking and led my mind to explore their relevance to me in the current global situation. That settled the title of this essay.
Almost immediately, the word polarization came up, and in no time, its opposite concept in which I have always believed, unity in diversity, popped into my consciousness. It is thus only natural that I choose these two concepts as the subtitle.
Friendship is easy when no substantial gain or loss are involved. 君子之交淡如水 (Gentlemen’s friendship is bland as water.) There are probably numerous Chinese sayings about friendship. That this one surged to my mind without effort tells me why I have had few friends in my life. It also explains why loyalty is not high in my list of values.
Loyalty is towards a person or an ideal. It implies constancy of motivation and actions. It may even require or at least encourage unquestioning. To me, it is danger and a potential barrier against objectivity and its non-aligned values, such as equality for all, trade-off with other alternative or competing values.
Righteousness is measured according to some standard. How are standards set? Who set them? Are they universally accepted? What are the consequences of not following the standards of righteousness agreed by the majority of a community? Is freedom of belief higher than the community’s standards of righteousness? What are the consequences on an individual upon breaking the community’s standards of righteousness? What are the rewards for upholding or advancing such standards? Are they socio-religious consequences or legal consequences? Let me stop our thoughts here, lest we detour away from the subtitle.
If we label Loyalty and Righteousness as “virtues”, then we affirm (at least subconsciously) that they have polarities. Loyal vs disloyal. Righteous vs unrighteous. If we become convinced that one direction is good and the opposite direction is evil, we may succumb to polarization. On a more inclusive consideration of other ideals and effects, for example, equality, respect, love and forgiveness, etc., then we can find our personal equilibrium.
Polarization can turn friends into enemies in the extreme, or at least strangers if one is more charitable. In the former outcome, cohesiveness with like-minded friends is the right and loyal thing to do. In the latter case, diversity of values can be tolerated but not advocated. Unity in both cases is out of the question.
Sadly, this is a significant and current mentality of the world. Its manifestation in the media is most vocal and its effects on the global and personal relationships are alarming.
How can unity be regained while retaining diversity? Or how can polarization be reversed?
I have a mental aid that dawned on me recently. Remember the combination of three keys to perform aReboot or Reset of the old personal computer?
Control + Alternate + Delete.
Before I explain it, let me quote a short passage from one Confucian classic, “The Doctrine of the Mean中庸”:
“While there are no stirrings of pleasure, anger, sorrow, or joy, the mind may be said to be in the state of Equilibrium. When those feelings have been stirred, and they act in their due degree, there ensues what may be called the state of Harmony. This Equilibrium is the great root from which grow all the human actings in the world, and this Harmony is the universal path which they all should pursue.”
Back in the 1960’s growing up in Hong Kong, this Confucian classic did not resonate with me. Modernization meant Westernization. The middle ground just seemed compromise, mediocrity, static and conservative. Now, seventy two years old, I learned that Confucius had anticipated such criticisms.
“The Master said, “I know how it is that the path of the Mean is not walked in:-The knowing go beyond it, and the stupid do not come up to it. I know how it is that the path of the Mean is not understood:-The men of talents and virtue go beyond it, and the worthless do not come up to it.”
In thirty years, the good will between US and China has changed substantially. If not turned 180 degrees, it must be at least 90 degrees? Why and how can it be reversed?
Obviously this is a very complex and difficult subject to discuss, explain and prescribe a way out. Instead, I would start from the Reset button and describe how a simple mental reminder working on each and every one of us may help change the global direction. I wrote the following a few months ago.
With polarization having “semi permanently” moved us apart, causing us to fixate our mental and spiritual base points away from the common center we used to share, in the silence of our souls, we can examine our shifted base points, and remember that the key to being centered and balanced is to hit the RESET button when we are acting or reacting from our current polarized base points.
The three RESET steps are:
Control our emotions and reflex triggered by the encounter.
Consider Alternate thoughts and possible explanations, assessments and reactions triggered by the encounter. Instead of reacting from our own biased set point, reflect on whether the other side has a valid point. Or that the other side did not really mean what was said. Or that the other side had no bad intention. Or that the other side was under emotional duress. Recall also how we have behaved or said things we did not really mean and hurt others. Remind ourselves that we have an alternative choice on our reaction, that of seeking a balance between our different set points. Recall the past equilibrium, especially when we were loving and hopeful then.
Delete whatever that keeps us fixated in our momentary “conviction”. In the silence and emptiness of emotion, we reflect on our personal values and lessons we have learned and will endeavour to learn.
Let it be Unity in Diversity.
~~~~~~~~
POSTSCRIPT
Bill knows that my better half can provide a complementary perspective to my writing. After receiving her feedback, I realized that my essay has been cold and without the essence of Friendship. Emotions and warm feelings have their attraction to all human beings.
So I will bring us back to the motivation which can attract even polarized people towards one another.
What common values do all people share?
Happiness is probably the most common answer I hear from friends when I ask them their purpose of life.
What makes people happy? Being with loved ones is again probably the most common answer. For the last two to three months, sheltered at home, have we reflected on our lives and re-affirmed what make us happy and motivated to go on?
Are there individuals among our friends with whom we disagree with on some issues? Surely there are. Do we still count them as our friends? Do we wish them good health and happiness? Surely we do.
That still little voice in our hearts is what will bring us all back together!
