I was a bit late at getting to the tennis court that morning. I saw our group clearly behind Court No. Three, but all seven of them were standing – two were pointing at each other with arms stretched, and the others seemed shocked and frozen on the side. I got inside the court and noticed that the two pointing at each other were both yelling – faces red. One said it was clearly “In”. The other said ” No. I call it Out ! ” The one who hit the ball insisted that his ball was “In”. The other said, “When in doubt, the USTA Regulations give the receiving side the final say. ” ” But I swear it was in. I wouldn’t lie to you.” ” I won’t lie to you either, but don’t you know the USTA Regulations ? If you don’t even know the regulations you should not be arguing so stubbornly.” ” Are you suggesting that I am intentionally lying?” ” Are you suggesting that I am just making things up ? ” Their faces are getting redder and they were approaching each other closer and closer as if each step was going to improve their credibility. As the six other friends were watching, personal credibility and integrity became much more important. Oh my gosh !
Luckily two elderly friends in the eighties stepped in and pulled the two just over seventies apart. I also decided to inject my Chinese humor to help. Since I was the eldest member in the group, the group usually shows me extra respect. I said to the group,” My dear younger brothers. Whether the ball is “in ” or “out”, we know in this case it’s not that important since there is no trophy involved. I see here, we are questioning each other’s honesty and integrity. Let me be Judge Pao ( equivelent of King Solomon ) and resolve the dillema once and for all. I proclaim you both honest as your faces were both red as fire. If your were not honest you would not be that fired up. I congratulate both of you for being true and honest, But my dear younger brothers, you have yet to learn how to be more generous. So next week we start our lesson on Generousness.”
“Billy, you are full of Bull !’ The group yelled and laughed. The two seventy year olds shook hands. The Good Group Comrade Spirit sustained.
PC Mar (left) receiving FF Fraternity Poker Championship Award 2014
Everyone knows what friendship is, and everyone has a friend, but for this article, let me categorize the different types of “friendship”, and more importantly, talk about how friendships get broken. With such a broad topic, of necessity one has to use generalities, and everyone will have anecdotal evidence why this or that generality is untrue or incorrect. But this is my personal perspective, so please allow me some latitude, and I hope that each reader will get some insight from these observations.
In considering how to do this article, I looked up the definition of friendship, of which there are several, but most in general, say this: the state of being a friend, who is further defined as a person whom one knows well and is fond of, an ally, supporter, or sympathizer, or is a member of The Society of Friends (from Webster’s New World Dictionary).
In thinking about different categories of friendship, I visualize something similar to the Maslow’s hierarchy of needs, a theory in psychology comprising a five-tier model of human needs, often depicted as levels within a pyramid. … From the bottom of the pyramid upwards, the needs are: physiological, safety, love and belonging, esteem, and self-actualization.
The reader can find descriptions of this pyramid of needs elsewhere, via a search of the keywords Maslow Hierarchy.
So I created my own hierarchy pyramid which I call the Friendship Hierarchy:
I hope that this visual categorization of different types of friendship that every person has is clearly presented and evident, from the most broad based casual/social type of acquaintances that one calls “friends” progressing up the pyramid to more specific, and possibly fewer, committed or contractual, to friends that one might say has “bonding” characteristics that makes that type of friend special. Then, at the top, each person might have a “best friend”, someone who shares similar values, that one might sacrifice oneself for, and/or has frequent contacts with.
On the right side of the pyramid, I list the kinds of things that might cause a rupture in the friendship. The most obvious example of such a breakdown of a friendship might be a friend asking for a loan, which when given as a token of friendship, doesn’t get repaid, or a sale and purchase of a used car.
Another evident example would be those who say “my wife/husband is my best friend”, but if a divorce or separation occurs, usually that friendship is severed.
For the rest of this article, I will talk only about the “bonding” category, with some comments about Rotary, and more about the FF Fraternity of Chinese American males.
From Wiikipedia, “Rotary International is an international service organization whose stated purpose is to bring together business and professional leaders in order to provide humanitarian service and to advance goodwill and peace around the world. It is a non-political and non-religious organization open to all.”
There may be a million Rotarians, both male and female, around the world, organized into districts with Rotary Clubs of various names with several to hundreds of Rotarians in the clubs. Its stated purpose is to do good, by community service projects and charity donations.
I was a Rotarian in the Hong Kong Northeast Rotary Club for 5 years from 1997. Rotary basically accepts anybody wishing to join, though there is a sponsor who does the introduction into his/her club. What Rotary did for me at that time in my life was that it gave structure to my life – through weekly lunches, annual fund raising parties, and other scheduled projects and happy hours.
The main issue I had with that Rotary Club was that the members thought themselves somewhat elitist and that they served a noble purpose, which if truly noble was a worthy cause, but to do projects and make donations, just for the sake of showing that they were doing something, did not sit well with me, so I left that Rotary Club, and now, once in a long while, may meet up with other former Rotarians.
What is a fraternity?From Dictionary.com, “a local or national organization of male students, primarily for social purposes, usually with secret initiation and rites and a name composed of two or three Greek letters; a group of persons associated by or as if by ties of brotherhood;any group or class of persons having common purposes, interests, etc.:the medical fraternity; an organization of laymen for religious or charitable purposes; sodality; the quality of being brotherly; brotherhood:liberty, equality, and fraternity; the relation of a brother or between brothers.”
FF Fraternity fits that definition; it was formed in 1910 in Trinity College, Hartford, Connecticut, as a social base for Chinese students studying in the US, and since then has expanded to about 1,000 “brothers” spread over six “lodges” in the US and Canada, and three lodges in Asia, with about half of those brothers affiliated with one of the lodges and the other half “at large” scattered around the globe and not affiliated with any one lodge.
Its stated motto is “fellowship and service”, with more on fellowship, though efforts are being made to do more service. Though non-political, its brothers, being citizens of the countries where they reside and by their own interests, may partake in various political causes and issues; but that is a personal choice.
I was initiated into FF in 1963 while still a student at MIT, and the ebb and flow of life saw me go from the Boston Lodge to the New York Lodge to the Washington DC Lodge, to now the Hong Kong Lodge. I had served as an officer of 3 of the lodges, as well as two officer positions at the National level.
Yes, FF did a lot for me, but it also caused me some distaste in the recent past. Friends brought me into FF, and they would remain friends whether in FF or not. No questions that our friendship strengthened as a result of us being “brothers”, being the result of more meeting up related to the “reunions” which are annual events. Any FF brother would agree that we have met, and made, new friends strictly and solely due to FF’s existence, friends we would not have made otherwise, were it not for FF.
And special bonding does exist between brothers, where were it not for FF, one would not do something otherwise. As an example, I have without any thought, agreed to share a hotel room with another brother also travelling solo to a reunion held in a remote location. As a result of sharing a room with a brother from Singapore, he and I would assume that we would share a room an any other location. I even shared a room with him when the reunion was held in Hong Kong, where I now live.
Another example is with the originator of this F&F website ( Billy ), whom I have known only as an FF brother, and would never have considered doing this article were it requested by any other person not a brother.
But to me, this special bonding extends beyond just being “friendly”; we take an oath when we are initiated, and there should exist honesty, integrity, and trust between brothers. These 3 values, I contend, were broken when FF had to deal with a certain issue that involved the true ethnicity of a new member being asked to be inducted into FF.
Honesty: I was personally lied to by one member brother.
Integrity: the then Chairman repeatedly made claims that he would not substantiate.
Trust: a brother needs to trust that the actions of another brother are done with sincerity and faithfulness, and should not ever have cause to judge the actions of another brother.
All these actions are well documented, to such an extent, that I and several other brothers had been brought to a stage of issuing applications to expel two brothers who committed the above acts. But we came to the realization that such an expulsion application would in and of itself be an “unbrotherly” act that would cause irreparable damage to the fraternity.
But would I ever make any extra effort to meet up or be brotherly to the brothers that I thought deserved expulsion? No way.
And that’s how bonded friendships get broken.
PC Mar
July 2020.
I was born in 1941 in Hong Kong, educated in HK, Japan, and US. College education at MIT in Cambridge, Massachusetts. Worked in computer science and marketing and management positions in the US, Japan, and Hong Kong. Married in 1965, but divorced in 1993, raised one son and one daughter. Have now lived solo in Hong Kong and Bangkok. Hobbies: tennis, ballroom dancing, and love of music. Published author of “Business Communications: Be the Best”, Times Publishing Group, 2003.
Awards: Management award from AMF Incorporated, and 2014 Poker Champion in FF Shanghai Reunion, several Champion/Finalist awards in local HK and club level tennis tournaments.
BFF: a Japanese male friend from Tokyo, Japan whom I have known and travelled with for over 25 years. We share similar values and outlook on life, exchange messages/calls 3 – 5 times a week, speaking in Japanese, and texting in English and Japanese. No hesitation to share cabin on cruises with him, though not considering cruising for near future, due to virus pandemic.
BILLY’ S COMMENTS : In FRIENDSHIPOLOGY we study both the FORMATIONSand the BREAKDOWNS of FRIENDSHIP. It is my hope that after BREAKDOWNS we can find AVENUES FOR RECOVERY and discover causes for possible misunderstandings. I wonder what THIRD PARTY FRIENDS can do to help.
Our good friend Carolyn Hsu in NYC wanted us to meet and support her friend, HAO Jiang Tian (田浩江) who was going to perform at the S.F. Opera. She arranged for Lucille and me to meet Tian at his dressing room after the opera. Immediately after the final curtain call, we rushed to the back stage feeling very excited. The dressing room was not brightly lit, but we found Tian still in his singing costume, smiling widely as he welcomed us. After introducing ourselves a bit more, Tian said,” Please excuse me for a few minutes. I go change in the next room and be right back.” He then left the room. When we turned around we discovered another couple standing in the dark corner. We smiled and nodded politely at each other. The man was a broad and sturdily-built Asain. The woman was a petite Caucasian. They were about our age – maybe just three or four years younger.
We first looked at each other awkwardly since the space between us was too far apart for intimate conversation. We looked at each other more intensely as I began to be curious if I should remember this guy because he looked kind of familiar, but I could not properly identify him. The guy also looked at both Lucille and me with similar curiosity.
Quite simultaneously we moved towards each other with our hands extended and said, “Oh this is my wife Lucille ( or Anna his wife) and I am Billy (John his name). We looked at each other even more intensely. John started asking “ Are you from Shanghai ?”. I said “yes”. He immediately asked,” Noon Zu For Kai Son Lu Ger Lee Ming Sing Va ? ( Are you Lee Ming Sing from Ferguson Road ? ). The sky turned clear blue for me all of the sudden. Yes, I see him; I know him, – dear “Xiao War Gee” ( “Little Funny One “ the nick name my brother and I gave him ( John’s brother Charlie was “Doo Wor Gee” or “Big Funny” ). Oh my God, Sixty some years ago we were neighbours in Shanghai, and we played daily at our home- mostly in the garden – either playing soccer with rubber balls or trying to capture tadpoles or toads from the central artificial pond.
Lucille and John also began to remember that they had worked at a Chinese Restaurants together in New York City when they were in college. John and Charlie were the busboys, and Lucille was an hostess. Lucille remembered the Sie Brothers as nice, fun, young gentlemen. While I remembered the two “ War Gee “s as two really naughty little Friends.
Martha Liao, Mrs. Hao Jiang Tian, invited us all to her famous post-performance Sho Yeh 宵夜 ( evening snack ) at their SF Apartment later. So we had an opportunity to catch up with our life stories. John was very successful in his business ventures, and he and Anna were sponsors of Tian’s opera performance that night in San Francisco. They came to support the Tians all the way from Denver, Colorado. They also have a daughter, Michelle, who now directs their foundation focusing on Downsyndrome. Lucille and I told them about our involvement with The 1990 Institute. So we got reconnected. What a JOY !
It was Serendipity. A Memorable S.F. Opera Night, indeed !
John and Anna have made several generous donations to the 1990 Institute in honor of Billy. John told me that he wanted to express his gratefulness for being allowed to come and play at our home in Shanghai any day any time –as there was a small crack in our Chiang Li Bo ( Bamboo Fence ) that he had enlarged just enough to allow him to slip through freely any day any time.
I was honored when Bro Billy Lee asked me to write an article on his website to promote Friendship and Friendshipology (F&F). I believe making friends is one of the most important values in life. One of my goals in life is to be able to communicate with anyone from age 2 to 100. I still have a ways to go but I am getting closer by leading student education programs.
I have been running an education program that focuses on leadership, team work, communication and creativity in China since my retirement in 2012. My students range from age 5 to 18. I was a little concerned over whether I can make friends with someone as young as 5 years old. It was challenging at first but over time I was able to communicate and make friends with these 5 year old students. I feel there are four keys points to making friends with these:
1) Stay humble and believe we can be better. I tended to be arrogant when I was young. Over time I realized there is so much I can learn from everyone. I can make a better me if I just listen and learn from others.
2) Listen and know the students. It is important to know the students’ names and background before meeting them. They always react positively if we know their names and understand their background.
3) Build trust and make a connection. The best way to build trust is to understand the students’ needs and help them.
4) Forgive others when they make a mistake. We all make mistakes because we are human beings. When people make mistakes, focus on the positive and reflect what we can do to move forward.
I was able to use these four keys to learn something from a nine year old student of mine who told me that she does not have a good relationship with her father. I asked, “why not”? She told me that when he makes mistakes he would always blame others. He never feels it’s his fault. This conversation made me realize the importance of saying sorry when one makes a mistake. It is especially important for parents to admit when they have made a mistake. We are human and we all make mistakes.
I have built long lasting relationships with some of these students. Students graduate from our program and often return as volunteers. After they go to college, they refer other students and volunteers to our program. I have one student, Candice, who graduated from Univ. of Washington. After she got a job with Google, she sent a nice note thanking us for the guidance we gave her over the years. One volunteer was a student from Harvard who came from Burundi, Africa. After Salathiel graduated from Harvard, he decided to go back to his country and start a renewable energy business. One time he had to come to China and purchase water meters. As Salathiel does not speak Chinese, he asked for my help and I accompanied him to Ningbo to help him negotiate an agreement!
Life has become much more meaningful after I started these educational programs – I have made many young friends; interacting with them keeps me young; I learned how to enjoy the moment; and I am trying to learn something new every day. I plan to do these programs for the rest of my life.
Ben Feng taking questions
” Benjamin Feng was born in Taiwan and moved to United States when he was 12. He lived with his family in Cincinnati Ohio where he graduated from high school. Benjamin received his BS and MS degrees in chemical engineering from MIT. After graduation he worked for Stone and Webster designing waste treatment systems for power and chemical plants. Then he went to Harvard Business School for his MBA.
After HBS Benjamin worked for Citibank for 13 years. He had worked in Foreign exchange trading, corporate banking, investment banking, private banking, and problem loan management. It was during this period he developed a comprehensive understanding of the financial industry. He has lived in New York, Taipei, Singapore and Indonesia during this time.
After Citibank Benjamin became managing director of Kwanghua Securities investment Trust which he helped to become the largest mutual fund company in Taiwan. This sets the stage for him to enter the investment business for the next 20 years.
Benjamin then founded the All Asia Partners which is a venture capital firm that invests in Taiwan and Silicon Valley. The initial investments were in late stage investments. All Asia then began to move into intermediate stage investments. Investments were made in the semiconductor, healthcare, and information technology companies.
In 2008 Benjamin joined Paclink Capital as a senior partner moved to Shanghai to manage the investments in China. Paclink has made investments in auto components, health care, education, Information technology, clean tech industries.
In 2012 Benjamin joined Trans-Pac Institute as a senior partner that provides education to high school and international students. His curriculum is project based and focused on life skills. Life skills include leadership, communication, team work, and creativity. Benjamin has done several charity projects in Yunnan and Qinghai. He hopes to devote the rest of his life running these life skills programs. “
( Audie Chang is former Chairman of FF Fraternity, a non-profit service and fellowship organization founded in 1910 by Chinese students studying at New England colleges. He and his wife Susan have two adult children and two granddaughters. Audie was born in China and immigrated to the U.S. with his family in 1958. He studied theater and history in college but decided to pursue a business career as a CPA and financial executive in the Silicon Valley. He loves music and currently serves on the Board of Directors of the Peninsula Symphony of Northern California.)
Friendship in its simplest form develops from spending time together and sharing common experiences. The FF Fraternity gave its members and me the opportunity to spend lots of time with lots of wonderful people that has led to many lasting friendships.
Back in 1979, I was invited by my girlfriend Susan (later my wife) to a Christmas party hosted by Mateo Go, a doctor in training. Halfway into the party, a bunch of guys carried a huge cardboard box into the living room and out popped Paul Chin, an aeronautical engineer, in boxer shorts. Apparently, he was Susan’s Christmas gift. Instead of running for the door, I stayed long enough to enjoy the party. Turned out Mateo and Paul were FF Fraternity brothers from college.
At the party, I also met Tony Keng, who would later join the FF Fraternity, then sponsor me to join the fraternity in 1983. Tony was an outgoing guy who was gifted with a high EQ (emotional quotient). I often witnessed how he would engage a perfect stranger in a conversation and end up becoming friends after discovering their common connections. A lifelong bachelor, Tony recruited over 50 brothers into the FF Fraternity and made it his family. Tony would often call me at unexpected times for lunch or dinner when I was at work, on vacation or with my family. If I told him I was busy his typical response was “you’re no fun”. I found out his unpredictable phone invitations to be a common experience among his friends. When I did make it for a meal, it would be an event because he would have invited other people without telling me. He was eager to introduce people he had befriended and they were always interesting. Tony was the catalyst that brought people together.
Before joining FF, I was introduced to Billy Lee, an FF brother and one of the friendliest people I have ever met. He is one of the reasons I joined FF. There were many occasions when Billy and Lucille would open their home to host a pot luck dinner for FF brothers and their families. The crowd was always lively, friendly and joyful. Like Tony, Billy was a friendly magnet who attracted talented and interesting people who he enjoyed introducing to his other friends and/or to the FF Fraternity.
Considering the likes of Tony and Billy multiplied by an order of magnitude as members of FF Fraternity, one can appreciate the rich opportunities to develop and maintain friendship for its members. The highlight of the FF experience is its annual reunion where members from the U.S. and Asia gather at a different location every year to renew friendships and share in a wealth of activities that include a business meeting, Ted talks, food tours, skit competition, basketball, tennis and golf tournaments, and a formal gala.
The friendship that has evolved from FF Fraternity often extended to the children. This happens partly by design and partly by accident. In fact back in the 1990’s, a number of FF brothers and sisters with children thought it would be a great idea to get together for a long weekend every summer so the families could enjoy each other’s company and celebrate their common Chinese heritage. As a result, the West Coast Chinese Family Camp was formed at a site in Monterey. Each year a family would volunteer to be the host family and organize activities that included an icebreaker, Family Olympics, skit night, bowling tournament, Chinese cultural event, campfire singalong, sports and games. The children who first attended the camp are now working adults with families of their own. Their friendships which were created during the camp years continue in full display at annual gatherings and recently at weekly Zoom meetings during the COVID-19 shelter-in-place.
Looking back, I believe every community should have an organization like the FF Fraternity to encourage and nurture the friendships that enrich our lives by providing opportunities to spend time together and share common experiences.
I cannot not think of Joe these days, when the world is questioning, what does the death of George Floyd, a black man choked to death by a white policeman, mean to us, our society, and our humanity. Joe was a highly respected Police Chief in San Jose, California, 1976-1991, and subsequently a much-quoted Research Fellow at the Hoover Institution at Stanford University. “He brought Reform and Modernization to the San Jose Police Department when such changes weren’t popular, and taboo between police and residents, Latino in particular,” wrote SFGate. “An eloquent and engaging critic of Drug War, Reactionary and Aggressive Policing, and Militarization of Law Enforcement,” Washington Post described him. In October 2011, he wrote for the Hoover Institution’s Defining Ideas: “You Say You Want a Revolution”. He was philosophical as well as visionary.
I met Joe around 2008, when I joined a neighborhood group of 70s-and-over retired fellows who still thought they had something to prove on the tennis courts. Joe was a gung-ho baseball-softball fella, but at this late age tennis became his second love. Having directed a large police department of 1000 officers earlier, he was used to directing, but with this group of tennis pals he was just faster in making suggestions. He kind of liked to lead, and the group generally cooperated, as he was always friendly, reasonable, and insightful.
I seemed to be his favorite doubles partner, as we often started the game with him saying, “I play with Billy.” Actually, he had it figured out that our teaming up would not overpower the others, yet we did complement each other, as he would be able to exercise his powerful right-hand down-the-line shot more frequently. Joe constantly encouraged me to use my head and play with the wind. When we played at Stanford University courts, I remember him pointing to the nearby flapping American flag and giving me a wink, more than once. In some way, he seemed a Method Player, like Method Acting. I marveled at the way he controlled, very methodically , not only the hardness of the shots, but also the speed of the ball’s travel. I observed that he had a system in serving. The same swing, but a variation of speed in four distinct arcs — pull back, reach over the top, sting the ball, and follow-thru.
We had a special bond, as he was very dear and close to his grandson Matthew, whose mother, like me, came to the United States from Hong Kong. Matthew came to play with us old folks many times. Grandfather Joe was very proud, as he was instrumental in encouraging Matthew’s tennis development. Matthew seemed proud of his Grandpa in return. It was a delight to observe the LOVE between them.
Our tennis group often dropped into a nearby bar and grill together for special burgers, beers, and peanuts. We gathered socially with our wives together on special occasions — at one of the members’ home, or a favorite local restaurant. I do not know all the wives real well, but I feel a unique bonding with them, just the same.
Joe and Laurie
Joe’s wife, Laurie, is most friendly and outgoing. I have kept in touch with her through email. She sent me recently a letter Joe wrote that was published by the San Jose PBA –describing Joe’s life journey, challenges, friendships, and more. I shall post it below for your interest:
Oct. 7th, 2010 Bill, ( Bill Mattos, Editor and Publisher, The Farsider – Affiliate of SJPBA )
You and Leroy provide a unique service for us. Being a member of the SJPD wasn’t just another job. It was our lives during the good and the bad. I’m fascinated by the various pieces of news in the Farsider. But then, I became fascinated by cops, what they think, and what they do, starting when I joined the NYPD at the age of 21. I never thought I’d stay at it. My dad retired after 26 years as a patrolman, then took a job as an armed bank courier. Along with his pension, it gave him about the same take home pay that he earned on the P.D. He died five years later of cancer at the age of 56.
I viewed his career as a trap to be avoided. My older brother, who died with 30 years of service with the NYPD at the age of 53, also was never promoted. He never married, either, and lived with my mother, then after her death, with my sister, her husband and three kids. “The Job” was his life and love. When he wasn’t working, he and other cops sat in various bars telling each other cop stories.
Despite my original intent, I fell in love with police work myself as a rookie walking a foot beat in Harlem, then New York’s highest crime area. Our precinct covered only one square mile, but we had 100 homicides a year, My first arrest was of a guy who had just stabbed another guy to death with a 10-inch butcher knife. It turned out it was premeditated and he was indicted for Murder One.
They wanted to promote me to detective because of the arrest, but since I hadn’t yet learned how to be a cop, I was successful in avoiding the promotion. Then Uncle Sam called. My fellow cops thought it hilarious, saying the guy I busted will be out before me. It may well be that given the leniency of the New York courts, the killer did get out during my two years on the “Western Front.” After basic training I was stationed in a very strange place: Van Nuys. For a year-and-a-half I unsuccessfully looked for a city called Los Angeles that was supposed to be in the area. (Those who ever visited New York City will know what I mean.)
What I started to write about today is the GIANTS baseball team. I grew up about a mile from Yankee Stadium. About five of us were mavericks who hated the Yankees. American League ball was boring. The Yankees bought anyone who played well against them. But the National League had the hated Brooklyn Dodgers as well as Stan Musial and the St. Louis Cardinals. My friends and I walked an extra mile past Yankee Stadium to the Polo Grounds to see Willie Mays play in his first year. He will forever be my favorite player. Baseball was the only sport in those years. We lived for it. No NFL or NBA. I played left field for my high school team. Our home field was just across the street from, Yankee Stadium. In 1952 we played for the NYC High School Championship at Ebetts Field, the home field of the Brooklyn Dodgers. I wish I could say we won and that I starred, but we lost 1-0, and I went 0 for 2. Still, it was quite a thrill for us kids. In 1951, I got home from school just in time to watch Bobby Thomson’s “shot heard ’round the world” off Ralph Branca on TV. All of those years of losses were worth it to beat the Dodgers in the playoffs and win the pennant. Then to our horror, the Giants betrayed us and moved to a far away place called San Francisco, and the Dodgers moved to L.A. They played in the Coliseum, a joke of a baseball park, but servicemen in uniform were admitted free, and when the giants were in town I got to see some games. I played left field on our Battalion softball team and was the only guy who had worked for a living before the Army. The others had all been playing minor league ball. We were to play for the 6th Army Championship finals at the Presidio, and I was looking forward to finally getting to visit San Francisco. Alas, my CO wouldn’t let me go. As Battery Clerk, I was considered indispensable. The First Sergeant and the Executive Officer couldn’t find even a letter in the Orderly Room files. The team lost, but won second place.
After the Army I put in my years with the NYPD, but in 1964 I had a very painful experience. I was promoted to sergeant in the then-28,000 officer military-style NYPD. It meant an automatic transfer, and I was assigned to an adjacent precinct. While it was still in Harlem, it also took in Columbia University and NY City College. This was during the Vietnam War protests. I immediately sought out the cop who was coach of the softball team and asked when there would be tryouts. He said he was sorry, but they had a firm rule: No Bosses. It would be a full 12 years before I would again play softball. I’m grateful to have been a member of the SJPD for many reasons, but one of the most important is that the troops let me play softball with them. Some will remember that Joe DiMaggio was good enough to throw out the first ball in a charity game that the Chief’s team played against the news media for the benefit of kids in San Jose who had diabetes. When we won 17 to 1, I joked and said it was the only time we beat the media all year.
Joe M with Joe D
I was fortunate to get to know Joe D. As chief, you get to pose with presidents and other big shots, but the only picture hanging on my office wall is of Joe D. with me in center field at Municipal Stadium wearing my Chief’s Office softball uniform. Almost all visitors stop, stare, and ask, “Is that Joe DiMaggio?” He and I talked baseball during several lunches with just the two of us. He even took me to lunch in San Francisco after I came to Hoover. Needless to say, I never mentioned to him that I walked past Yankee Stadium to watch Willie Mays. Our conversations were fascinating, and I’ll send them to the Farsider in the future if there’s any interest.
As some may have guessed, this burst of nostalgia was triggered by the Giants winning the Division Championship. It’s been a strange life for a kid from the Bronx who followed in his father’s footsteps as a flatfoot.
You guys had to put up with me for 15 years, so I’ve hesitated to impose more stories on you. But how often do the Giants win a Championship?
Joe (McNamara) <mcnamara@hoover.stanford.edu>
________________________________________________________________ Laurie just told me:
The SJPD Chiefs and officers tell her they still often say,
Frank and Billy are what people call “Kissing Cousins”. They are cousins of their most dear Cousin Millie Yung – Frank from Millie’s father side and Billy from Millie’s mother side.
Friendship is a well deliberated subject and there are many aspects of it for one to explore. As an octogenarian, perhaps it is appropriate that I should reflect on some personal experiences that may be worthy of reminiscence.
I would start my story not too early in life. I arrived in Singapore in 1960 in my late twenties for career prospects but with very little family and social connections. Several factors favour a new arrival like me, the friendliness of the average Singaporean, the absence of social barriers and generally openness to talent. Under these circumstances I made many friends within a reasonably short period, and as could be expected most of whom were in my age group.
There was one notable exception. A gentleman who was a lawyer and retired politician. He was some 25 years my senior. We became well acquainted as I served on the committee of the golf club for which he was the president. We have the same love for golf and common interest in running the club well.
CC had a wide circle of friends but I noticed he had two or three younger friends in roughly similar situation as myself. We were regularly in his social activities including many golfing tours overseas, in which his good connections made the difference. In the next 20 or years before he passed we became close friends. I often sought his advice for his experience. I would in turn helped him whenever some of his physical frailties required. In those days I did not give it much thought but on reflection CC clearly cultivated younger friends, although he did not lack friends of his own age.
Now for myself, over the last dozen years or so I have lost a large number of friends through natural cause. I’m however glad to say I have profited from CC’s example and made a fair number young friends from recreational activities (golf and bridge) and ministries in church.
Occasionally there is even an element of luck! A couple of years ago I attended a financial services talk, and was approached by someone I barely recognised. He rather kindly reminded me I interviewed him for a job way back in the 70s. In fact subsequently he recorded this episode in his University of Singapore class of 66 Reminisces, as that interview turned out to be a launching pad for his career. I thanked him for sending me a copy and mentioned that 4 of his classmates named in the article are also friends of mine. Two weeks later all these long lost friends met for lunch, amongst whom were a professor and 2 members of parliament. Our conversation recalled Singapore as a struggling new nation in the early days and how each of us dealt with tougher times. And these lunches are now a regular feature.
With younger friends I don’t need to pretend to be their age, I just have to be young at heart and “speak” the same language. I know they enjoy stories about bygone days particularly about names they recognise.
Another pool of my friends is a resource everyone has, one’s old school chums. I went to boarding school in Hong Kong for 5 years as a teen. Now after ignoring each other for some 50 years, I had a hand in organising the first class of 52 reunions in 2001, which was a big success. Old boys residing in US, Canada, UK, Thailand and Singapore met in a Thai resort and followed up with dinner at the same dining hall of our school in Hong Kong.
These reunions have since become an annual ritual, usually include a tour and a cruise. One was held partly in Singapore which has turned out to be not barren as a tourist destination, culturally speaking. Generally there is nothing extraordinary about old boys reunions. In our case most of the participants were boarders and had spent five years in same dormitories and naturally knew each other very well. As teenagers we would exploit and tease each other’s quirks and weaknesses mercilessly. As octogenarians the same teasing would be performed with a morsel of elegance and less unkindness, but nevertheless resulted in great hilarity. Hence even our accompanying spouses have become familiar with this brand of repetitious humour. The highlight of these reunions is the amount of laughter generated by 80 year olds behaving like and making belief they are teenagers. But who can argue against laughter and being happy about remembering teenage days.
Like most youngsters I had a best friend in boarding school. LY was one year older but somewhat more mature. We started off with much common interests and he kind of treated me like a younger brother. On reflection spending time with him strengthened my outlook on certain values and his encouragements built my self esteem. We took different paths in our tertiary education and later careers, and did not meet again until the recent reunions.
At the first opportunity I thought an expression from me would be appropriate. I arranged a quiet meal with just the two of us. I told him not only what his friendship meant for me but also the beneficial outcome in my mature years gained from our association and friendship. My sentimental outpouring somewhat surprised LY but I gather gave him considerable satisfaction. To me it was a celebration of great friendship and the topping off of the old boys reunions.
It would not be unusual to become friends with colleagues or business associates in the normal course. The first 25 years of my career was with two expat corporations. As may be expected there were a large pool of expat staff the majority would return to their home countries on retirement. In addition there were a few of overseas business associates who visited Singapore and whom I would call upon in their home countries. Friendship developed with a good number of these expats, including our wives. Some were kind enough to keep an eye on our children studying overseas and become friends for the whole family, so to speak,
Well in subsequent years my wife and I have been asked to visit these friends in their homes in UK, Europe, North America, Australia and New Zealand. Most if not all times we would be invited to stay with our expat friends. We make it a rule however not to stay more than 3 days. In the process inevitably we get to know each other better and become closer friends. Over the years, I can recall more than 20 of such overseas visits. Many of them returned the courtesy when vacationing in Singapore and stayed with us at our home.
Lastly I have an unusual “friendship pool”. For this I need to return to the mid-19th century! My grandfather YW started life in a mission school in Hong Kong. It so happened the principal, one Rev. Samuel Brown decided to return to New England for health reasons. One day he asked if any of the 13 year old boys in school would like to accompany him back. Well YW created history by putting up his hand. He first attended Monson Academy, Mass. then went on to become in 1854 the first Chinese graduate in Yale, in fact in any US university.
His burning ambition after that was to modernise feudal China. In the process he dreamt of having as many of his young countrymen enjoy the same education he did.. Upon returning to China, he worked his way to become a trusted staff of an influential viceroy. His initial assignment was to establish China’s first modern factory, an arsenal cum machine tool plant. With that under his belt he dared to ask for the project of his heart, modern education for young Chinese students in America. Well 17 years after his graduation from Yale, the Manchu Court allowed YW to take 120 young boys from 11 to 16 years old to New England high schools. YW arranged for all the boys to be accommodated with American families for their all round immersion. This was the beginning of the Chinese Education Mission, CEM.
Many of the 120 became high achievers in Chinese history, amongst whom was the first president of Tsinghua University, a prime minister, the pioneer of railways in China, a foreign minister and 2 admirals. Two of the young students stayed back in US and married American ladies. Now the interesting part of how I come into the picture comes via the descendants of some of the 120 students. To commemorate their grandfathers an informal association was formed. In 1998. One such descendent, who happens to be a distant cousin and also dear friend, organised a first gathering with an informal meeting at Yale. Four descendant families showed up. Since then there have been 4 more such meetings held at Yale and in Zhuhai, YW’s birth place. I have attended all but one of these, missing out on account of 9/11. The last such gathering was attended by 38 families of descendants.
In the course CEM descendents from all walks and many parts of the world ,and many of whom are professors, meet to talk about their families, starting from their grand dads. But the affinity and warmth generated was almost electric. Between the descendants and myself additionally is something of a mixture of friendship and gratitude. I have visited many of them at their homes in Beijing, Austin Texas, and of course New Haven and Zhuhai. On numerous occasions, after the ice breaking, they would say to me’….if it were not for your grandfather, we wouldn’t be where we are today…..” I know these expressions to be heartfelt. My response have always been “….if it were not for Rev. Brown, none of us would be here today…..”.Then would come the warm hugs. Where can one have such readymade friendship and how blessed I am to have relationships like these.
A game changer for cultivating friendship in the last 30 years has been technology. The internet ,4G , skype and Zoom enabled us to dig into and keep in touch with our reserve of friends, many times find lost friends, and most important of all, talk to and see each other on our home screens. Distances have been overcome. What is more, the thought that we have a generous resource we can reliably call upon to reconnect almost any time we desire, I believe make us more wealthy than we could hope for. We are the blessed people.
WHAT IS A FRIEND ? IT’S ONE CORNER OF MY LIFE TRIANGLE
MYSELF ———————- MY FAMILY ——————– MY FRIENDS
Life is not complete without any one corner. With no family, life becomes “MEANINGLESS”. With no friends, life becomes “ FUNLESS “.
I have four good friends since I was 13 (from year 1944) . They (let me call them Z, Y, J and S) were all my classmates at the lower middle school we attended . Z was our leader. He was an ardent reader of novels and some “serious “ reading (on philosophy and economics) , He recommended those “out-of-school” books to us , and we met once every week at his home (he had a small living room for himself) to discuss what we read. Those books were mostly on “revolution”, and we all became “revolutionists” – but with no action except talks.
We came from different social classes. I from a prosperous family (My Grandfather was a retired high government official and later the President of a University), Z and Y from medium middle-class, while J and S from lower status. We were cordial with each other – no “class-struggle” among us.
In 1947, my family sent me to America for higher education; we kept writing letters to each other. I was deeply moved by their letters. I still remember one letter from S, in which he wrote about working as an apprentice in a bookstore, one of his jobs was to deliver newspaper to subscribers. He described how he used to ride the bicycle under heavy rain and strong wind and felt proud and happy.
I returned to China in 1951, but we were still separated – S and I in Beijing, Z, Y and J in Shanghai, but we kept close contact. There were a few incidents I remember well :
When computers came, it was a luxury to own one at home. S (then the Editor-in-Chief of the China Youngsters Daily) bought one and asked me to help him on how to operate it. I happily agreed but then there was a period with no news. I was surprised and soon learned that his grandson (the only son of his only son) wanted to play games with it, and did not want to share it with his Grandfather. So till S’s death he couldn’t master a computer of his own.
J’s father owned a small workshop with 4 weaving machines which he passed over to J. Under the new regime, the workshop produced cloth for public use with cotton supplied by the government. During the anti-corruption movement in 1952, one of his cousins falsely accused him of stealing government’s cotton so he was jailed and the cousin took over the shop. Though the court later found that he was wrongly accused, he still lost the shop and was out of job. He soon applied for a teaching job at a far-away western city in China. He was there for more than 20 years till he decided to return to Shanghai. Before he left, the whole school (teachers and students) came to the terminal to bid him good-bye. He was jobless when he returned (the anticipated workshop was already absorbed by some state enterprise). It was Y who introduced him to the Municipal Tourism School, where he served as a gatekeeper. The trainees (mostly local tourism officials) liked him very much and many invited him to tour in their cities. After he retired , he was taken care of by his two daughters. They provided him a living room with toilet and kitchen where he could have a peaceful life by himself. He passed away merrily at old age.
Y returned to his home city (in northern Jiangshu) after finishing lower middle-school. There he used his knowledge of the local conditions to serve as a guide for Communist cadres from Shanghai in danger of arrest after escape secretly into the “red” district. His guidance was so successful that it became the safest route available. After the new regime was set up , he returned to Shanghai and was later appointed the Director of the Municipal Tourism Bureau He enjoyed reading my Memoirs and when he was hospitalised he asked me to translate the poem Remember (by Christina Georgina Rosetti) into Chinese which he recited wholly and carried it to his death.
Now only Z and I are left out of the Five – he in Shanghai and I in Beijing. He was appointed leader of the journalist team to Shanghai for the Peoples’s Daily and was quite popular with the articles he wrote on economic affairs. We have corresponded by letters, and each year we have met once or twice either in Shanghai or Beijing. Now he sends me his writings and some other articles he considers worth reading. We sometimes talk on the phone but my bad hearing limits its use.
I deeply enjoyed our friendship, because it made me feel life more meaningful. It opened to me the door to the outside world. The pleasure and regrets it offers make me feel life more colorful and worth living, more valuable and enjoyable – MORE FUN – than routine reading and traveling.
