By Billy Lee，September 2018

April 2012, Women of China Magazine, a publication in English by ACWF – All China Women’s Federation, included an article I wrotetitled ‘HOME STAYS – Building Amazing Cross-cultural Friendship’. I mentioned in that article that Stanford Alumni Magazine revealed that my Menlo Park neighbors, Mr.and Mrs Robert King had made an amazing donation of 150 million US dollars to Stanford Business School to come up with ideas to assist poor developing countries. It also stated that the Kings were inspired by 4 decades of Homestays they had provided to some wonderful foreign students who came to study at Stanford.

I was greatly moved and was also surprised that the providers of Homestays could be so inspired while I, as a foreign student on the receiving end, could only understand the feeling of Gratefulness. Home Stays build amazing cross-cultural friendships, indeed.

In this article, I want to remember many encounters I had experienced with American Families and members who have become my most enduring friends. I decided that the title should be ‘ My More Than 65 Years of HomeStays in America.’

I was only 14 ½ years old when I was sent to America from Shanghai to pursue a Western education. My father entrusted my older brother and me to his Amherst room-mates, President Charles Cole of Amherst College and Kenneth Higgins, a successful Private Investment Banker in Worcester, Mass.. We were to stay with the Higgins Family – consisting of Uncle Kenneth, Aunt Poly, and their two sons Billy and Dickie – one year and two years younger than me.

I remember best the Winter holidays we spent at their hillside Colonial Style home at Drury Lane. Uncle Kenneth took us to practice football in a neighborhood park.Dickie in football gears tackled me with full speed and I was knocked almost unconscious. Another time we went skating at a pond, and the neighboring girls were screaming in delight when they saw me on skates my very first time.I actually stood up and started wiggling around but not knowing how to stop. One time we were playing pool in the basement, I missed an easy shoot and started to swear “Jesus“ which I learned from some friends at Andover. As Catholics, the Higgins taught me that was not a nice expression. So ever since I started yelling “Geewhiz” instead .

Uncle Kenneth and Aunt Polly were devote Catholics but they never pushed their religion on me and my brother. They did introduce us to Santa, however. Santa was a jolly old fellow who brought us each wonderful gifts on Christmas Eves.

I went to a summer camp in New Hampshire with Billy and  against the Grey. Billy was captain one year as he excelled in swimming and riflery. Dickie excelled in swimming and baseball. To my surprise I was the fastest runner in Track and I won the seniors tennis tournament by my amazing defense. I hardly had any winning shots but won finally by the opponents’ own mistakes. The Higgins Brothers and the Lee Brothers enjoyed a very natural bond,indeed. We have shared both laughs and tears as we grew up together.

During the four years at Phillips Academy Andover, I remember special kindness from the following people. First, my freshman year housemaster, Harold Howe III, who became Secretary of Education in President Johnson’s administration. He and Mrs. Howe took us foreign students who were left on campus during holidays, to go climb Mt. Washington, the highest peak in New Hampshire. Home Stay in the mountains with the Howes was my first and most exhilarating encounter with Big Nature.

The second very kind person was my Andover dorm mate, Gordon Hammond, who not only helped me in my studies, but also invited me to spend Thanksgiving with his family in New Hampshire. I believe that his mother, two younger sisters and younger brother had never shook hands with a Chinese before. Nevertheless, they all embraced me with much affection as well as curiosity. Gordon’s family was not well-to-do. Mrs. Hammond, a single mother with four young children, had to work as a nanny for a wealthy family, but the Hammonds extended me great warmth and joy instead of special materialistic treats. I especially enjoyed playing in the haystacks with the Hammond kids, and I even enjoyed the smell of fermenting apple cider in the jars covering almost half of their porch. I still correspond with Gordon and his sister Paula every now and then. We hope to have a reunion in the not too distant future.

The third person was none other than my roommate, Doug Adkins,  during the final two years at PA. He had also invited me to his home in New Jersey several times. His brother Win was also in our class of PA’51. While I was the Captain of the Varsity Soccer Team, Doug served as the team’s Manager. We also worked together as student waiters at the Commons – another name for dinning hall. We were privileged to bring extra milk and buns back to our dorm. Doug always seemed to be hungry as he kept himself occupied with many self-invented extra-curricular activities.

The forth party was in fact two persons, Bill and John Wright. Bill was a year ahead of me and John one year behind. Their father was Governor Wright whose family owned a huge property in Deeth Nevada. For several years they had invited three to four Andover students each summer to go work on their Ranch and experience briefly a rough and tough Western Cowboy-style living. Steve Yamamoto from Tokyo, Japan and I from Shanghai, China were invited to share this Home Stay on The Ranch that summer just after our graduation. It was a hot summer with lots of Steaks for supper. Many co-workers were outlaws and escapees. I learned more variations of swear words and swearing expressions which I knew my Uncle Kenneth would not approve. They were uttered constantly by the Ranch Supervisor’s 12-year old son who was already allowed to drive a truck and to give tractor driving lessons to us foreign students from the East-coast private school. Most exciting was to hear about the sojourns to the brothels told by couple of these tough ranchers who could bend one-inch-diameter iron rods by their two bare hands.

Three families stood out during my years at Yale. Art Kramer who was my Freshman Counselor had a truly kind and caring heart. As did Mr. Arthur Howe III at Andover, Art – not yet married at that time – invited me to visit his home in Washington D.C. where I met his parents and his younger brother Larry who is now well known for championing Lesbian and Gay causes. Many years later Art and his wife Alice had a beautiful house built near New Cannon Connecticut. He again invited me to have HomeStay with them. The weekend included a friendly tennis game on their private tennis court.

The second family who embraced me most warmly in New Haven was the John Q. Tilsons. Indeed, Congressman Tilson and Mrs. Tilson were god parents to my Uncle Smilie Chang who studied at Yale College and later married my father’s no. one younger sister when he returned to Shanghai. I was to address the elder Tilsons Grand Pa and Grand Ma Tilson. They invited me to their home for dinner or Sunday Family gatherings many times.In fact thru the Tilsons, Senator Prescott Bush from Connecticut helped me obtain my immigration status via the special Refugee Relief Act. I am deeply indebted to the Tilsons and the Bushes, and I have voted for the Bushes for Presidents mostly out of gratitude. Indeed, my number- one-son Prescott was named after Senator Prescott Bush – George Herbert Bush’s father, George W. Bush’s Grandpa.

The third family I hold most dearly in my heart is the Gregg Family from Darien, Connecticut. David Gregg III seeked me out among others to be his future roommate at Pierson College after our Freshman Year. We were both on the Yale Varsity Soccer Team and David already knew that he wanted to study International Business and Diplomacy. Mrs. Gregg, whom I later addressed as Virginia, seemed to care for me more than my own mother. She had David invite me to the Debutant Balls at Plaza Hotel in New York City couple of times. They got a tux for me, fixed me up with cheerful blind dates and taught me all the Etiquettes. Knowing that I was going to study Architecture, they invited me to stay with them in Darien during the summer and arranged for me to work for a local building contractor to gain actual experience. Years later when I started my professional architecture practice, I got my fist commission to design a vacation complex on St. John’s Island in the Caribbean where several of Mr. and Mrs. Gregg’s friends from Darien and New Cannon had just purchased a beautiful piece of property. Mr. David Gregg II, Virginia, and David III are all in Heaven now. I still connect with David’s Wife Sarah, his brother Arthur, and his daughter Tina regularly.

Home Stay Invitations were offered most frequently when I did not have a home of my own. After marriage I had only occasional HomeStays when I traveled to far away cities. I remember staying over at Pete Acker’s home in Akron, Ohio when I was going to make an architectural presentation to the Higbee Co. Chairman in Cleveland for Lawrence Halprins’ Environmental Planning Firm. Pete and I hadn’t seen each other for years after we graduated from Andover. We both remembered fondly Mr. Harold Howe III’s European History Course. Pete got an A, and I a C-. We both laughed when he remembered that I received the ‘Most Improvement Prize’ at graduation.

I was offered HomeStay by George Webb in Darien Connecticut when I told him about the ‘ Chinese Children’s Art on The Environment’ exhibit which I persuaded the New Cannan Library and The Nature Center to co-sponsor in New Cannan. George was a year ahead of me at Andover, and he later became a Founder of a top executive recruit firm in N.Y. City, after his graduation from Princeton. George and his wife Jean treated me royally, but most importantly we were really grateful for the opportunity to get together and to chat about old times. Again we got acquainted thru soccer. George was a fantastic and amazingly courageous goal-tender. On this occasion, however, I tried to learn from him the art in evaluating potential executives.

One of my most trusted friends was indeed John Howson, Captain of our Yale 1955 soccer team. He played right half-back, while I played left wing, so we were always testing each other during practice. John was a methodical person, and in fact became a highly respected patent lawyer. He was very thoughtful and meticulous, and soon after he and Mary got married, he asked me to design their home in Chappaqua New York, a suburb of New York City. If was truly laborious working for me as he wanted me to explain every minute detail in the design, and then he would translate every bit to Mary, his most gentle and attentive wife.

But after the house was constructed, he loved it so much he stayed in that same house until he passed away last year. I can not forget that three years ago, when he learned that I was going to pass by N.Y.C. on my way to my 60^th Andover Reunion, he offered me Home Stay for a few days in his house which I designed for his family almost 50 year ago. They thanked me profusely for the joy their family including three grown children shared in that modern-colonial house. They told me that all the rooms had experienced no changes except paint colors or decorative wall papers. Only the kitchen was refurbished with more modern cooking stoves and a more energy saving refrigerator. Mary was so proud that John had taken up culinary art and wine savoring. In fact John put on his puffed-up white cooking hat and prepared a fantastic sirloin steak for us. It was the best I have ever had. I was treated as a special guest but then they also treated me as their own brother. Such are the feelings only Home Stays can generate. I feel grateful that I have so many wonderful American Friends who generously offer me HomeStays everywhere I travel.

I feel my entire – more than 65 years – life in America can be defined by this series Of Beautiful HomeStays. I am so grateful for having so many wonderful friends. I am 100% convinced that HomeStay Is A Beautiful Way To Build Amazing Cross-cultural Friendships.

by Billy Lee – 李名信

I am a 86 year-old retired Architect – long retired from my professional practice and quite a few years retired from my volunteer work at The 1990 Institute in America.  Physically feebler, mentally slower, but aspiration-wise I still hope to be able to contribute to our constantly changing world. What can I realistically do, I wondered?

This morning, a light bulb flashed in my head, and I quickly dashed out an email to my dear Phillips Academy prep-school classmate, George Rider, who is also our Class Secretary at Andover Alumni News. I wrote:

Dear George, I have an idea for our classmates to ponder. Can we as Grandparents leave one or two truly memorable words to our grand-children before we pass? If so what words would each of us choose? This could be an interesting survey to share. Cheers always,
Billy – Ming Sing
PA’51 YC’55

Actually, I have observed for quite some time now that at our frequent family gatherings – always include many grand children and younger relatives – I have become a much more quiet and passive participant.  Although when opportunities arise I can still tell a few brief humorous stories to entertain the younger members.

As a Family Figurehead, I see myself now in a similar role as Queen Elizabeth’s of Britain – an antiquated symbol, but still with great opportunity to wield Influence over her subjects.  Gentleness, kindness, warmth, caringness, empathy, compassion, sensitivity, and sense of humor with dignity, and respectfulness are all important ingredients the Queen must continue to practice if she wishes her subjects to listen and emulate.  As a Grand-parent, I must do the same to win my grandchildren’s attention and to induce them to take seriously what “Two Words” I wish they will forever remember.

BTW, after much deliberation, I changed my “Two Words” for my grandchildren to “Four”: “Be Kind and Smart” instead of just “ Be Kind” or just “ Be Smart “. Of course, what words we choose to leave to our grandchildren will depend on how old they are now and how much they are capable in comprehending.  Indeed, we may also decide to choose specific words for each specific grandchil.

You may be interested in the three very different and endearing grandchildren I am privileged to have: Alana, a 13 year old girl by my second son, is serene, studious, and perhaps a bit passive.  Gage (boy) and Lexi (girl), the 6 year old twins by my number one son, are surprisingly smart, but eager to show off, and rambunctious as a tag team– and laughing like crazy much of the time. The boy is more methodical. The girl is more intuitive.

We don’t see Alana as frequently as we see the twins, as she lives in Berkeley about one hour’s drive away from our home. When the family members get together around the dining table I always make sure that she gets an opportunity to tell everyone her latest encounters in school or at home.  She is still a bit shy, but she is definitely gaining social composure. To make up for our infrequent person to person contacts, we build our bonding by sending each other email attachments of special interests on timely occasions.

My wife, Lucille, babysits for the Twins at our home two evenings a week. The Twins come after school around 3pm and leaves after supper near 7pm.  They always have some idea or several ideas on what they want to experiment at our house –indeed their Play House.  They may do acrobatic exercises under the open-steps stairway. They may do drawings and paste them all over different doors. They may pull down all the cushions from the living room sofas and chairs to create their cave home – each time a different design – amazing!

Supper time is Conversation Time for them, since I accompany them and keep them occupied by telling them stories which I conveniently make up to fit the mood. Often I pump them with mini questions to test their knowledge or personal character. For example I would ask them who is kinder- Nai Nai or Yeh Yeh? I would ask them what can we do to make a cousin feel better after the cousin lost her I- phone?  What happens when we shift things around?- like their cushion habitats. Never too difficult are my questions, but always fun and getting more challenging. We all have a good time, and a Joyful relationship we build together.  It’s Fun for them because they get to quiz their Grandpa too!

William Ming Sing Lee

At a special workshop “ To Promote Friendship” (ICAF’s World Children’s Festival, in Washington DC on July 4^th week 2015)  my colleagues and I came up with this idea for a group of International students to discuss together the meaning of Friendship, compose a Declaration of Interdependence and sketch out a plan for an Ideal International Cross-cultural Institute on Friendshipology.

Friendshipology simply means study about Friendships and Relationships.  It can involve many different cross-disciplines like : History, Religion, Culture, Sociology, Philosophy, Psychology, Anthropology, Neurology, and even Physiology –studying Facial expressions and Body postures. There is so much knowledge and data to be gathered, but todays’ computer technology can help us extract essentials from Big Data very effectively with Algorithms.  Beyond gathering knowledge, our challenge is to search for solutions, methodologies, and exercises which can transform our knowledge to goals, to practices, to habits, which become our good second nature.

Today, scientists and scholars are doing multi-discipline research in many different areas separately and collectively.  I read quite a bit recently about Empathy, Social Emotional Intelligence, Gratefulness, and Happiness, etc. – all important factors in initiating, nurturing, and sustaining Friendship. The following scientists and educators deeply impressed me:

Prof Jamil Zaki , Director of Stanford University’s Neuroscience Lab. on Empathy – Choosing, Harnessing, then Making Choices.  Laura Delizonna’s Wisdom Lab at Stanford on Mindfulness –borrows some ideas from, Thich Nhat Hanh  a very popular Zen Buddhist Monk.  Anabel Jensen, Karen Stone McGown and Susan Stillman’s  SIX –SECONDS – Know/Choose/Give – Emotional Intelligence Network, has provided workshops around the world – including Hangzhou, China.  SIX SECONDS is affiliated with the Yale Center for Emotional Intelligence. Two top high schools in the US , Gunn High in Palo Alto, Ca. and Phillips Academy Andover, at Andover, Mass. – lead by  Instructor Ronen Habib, and Tang Institute Fellow Andy Housiaux, respectively – have established  special Emotional Intelligence training programs and Empathy & Balance philosophies for their school communities . Ashoka Foundation’s Start Empathy Initiative is also note worthy. They now have classrooms around the world.   Finally, Dr. Kerry Howells’  “Gratitude in Education – Mind & Its Potential “- binds Thanking with Thinking. Deep.

Truly significant encouragement came from Harvard Professor Rudolph Tanzi’s  “Super Brain Theory”, which basically suggested that we can train our brains to think positive by practice, and another encouraging discovery was Eboo Patel’s  Interfaith Youth Core – working toward inclusivity by breaking the barriers of religious divisions. His writing and talks have been amazingly effective and inspirational. Indeed, the ultimate purpose for an Ideal International Institute on Friendshipology, is to seek ways to affect people with different backgrounds in our World to relate to each other with “Good Feelings” under most circumstances.

I am indeed passionate about this idea on Studying Friendship – how to initiate, nurture, and sustain what I simply call “Good Feelings”, and my passion comes from seeing much of the world’s chaos caused mainly by people who do not get along and have not learned the Spirit and the Art & Science in building Harmonious Relationships -“ The Necessary Lubricant For All Human Activities In This World ”, as I see it  !

Like Environmental Issues forty years ago, Friendship today has largely been left to Happenstance. Environmental issues were not taken seriously or studied globally and holistically until prominent schools on Environment were established. Isn’t it time now to start focusing on the creation of An Ideal International Cross-cultural Institute on Friendshipology ?

As a retired old Architect, I personally have no expertise on the creation of a new Think-tank – research center, but I am absolutely convinced that it should be done, it can be done, and it will be done by inspired, creative, and dedicated people from various corners of this world to take up this Challenge.

Attached: A design of a souvenir ( Friendship Fan ) given out at the ICAF’s World Children’s Festival.  “ To Promote Friendship – Be A Friend “ on one face.  “Ten Do s and Ten Don’t s”  on the other face. ( Fans For Fanning Friendship )   See below.

April 2013 – by Billy Lee

Having been appointed Membership Director of the USCPFA-South Bay Chapter last March (2012), I began to ask myself more seriously “Why the need of Friendship and Friends, what is really the meaning of Friendship – Person to Person and People to People? What sparks Friendship? What nurtures Friendship? What are the causes for Lack of Interest, Irritations or Failures?

I have spent time to do some reading and googling on this subject and of course reflect on my own life the many different relationships with people. Having immigrated to the U.S. from China at age 15, Cross-cultural Relationship and Friendship is naturally most relevant to me.

From childhood days in China, I was taught by my parents: Dzai Jia Kao Fu Mo, Tsu Wai Kao Pon Yu – At home you rely on your Parents. Away, you Rely on Friends. I have discovered that it is not just for practical considerations but more importantly for MEANING in LIFE.  I now believe that TRUE FRIENDSHIP should be our STRIVE, as important as Love, Education, Environment, and Innovation – too important to leave it to CHANCE and HAPPENSTANCE!

I started to search for definitions of Friends and Friendship. Webster dictionary offered the following; A Friend: 1) One attached by Affection and or Esteem, 2) One not hostile, 3) a favored person. Oxford dictionary on Friendship: Relationship between Friends. These definitions are almost too obvious and not especially enlightening.

What I read about True Friendship was more telling! True Friends: Are there for you no matter what / Don’t lie to you / Keep their promises / Don’t stick you from the back/ Kind and Caring towards you / Enjoyable being together / Accept each other as is /  Loyal and Faithful / Someone you trust and willing to share your inner feelings with.

A few HUMOROUS ones were:  Friends you actually call up to do stuff with / Can borrow $5 and  not to have to pay back / Wow ! okay to fart in front of . And yes on Different types of Friends: Sincere F.-  look you in the eyes / Listening F. –quietly attentive / Big Mouth F. – talking incessantly about everybody and everything / Wise F. – know when to keep quiet or move away for a moment./ Annual  F.- only connect once every year / Interest seeking F.- always asking for something / Magnet F. – bring you along everywhere / Suspicious – always worrying about  being cheated / Neurotic – asks 500 times if you are still friends / Daydream F.- always happily floating in air /  Virtual or Cyber F. – so close yet untouchable / Banker F.- always willing to bail you out when you have financial needs / Tight-fist F. – opposite of the above / Exclusive F. – Don’t want you to have other friends / Popular F. – too busy to engage you much of the time /  Protective F.- protect you physically and your good  reputation /  Pessimistic F.- Can some times make you feel depressed / Comfortable F. – comes to your house, lie on your sofa, put feet on the coffee table, turn on the TV, and doses to sleep / Straightly Honest F.-  will sometimes yell at you, “ For God’s sake, Billy ! Use your head!” / Imposing F,- You must think and do what he thinks is Right and what he wants you to do. Yes, I have all these different types of Friends!  It’s a Rich World I live in!

Most of us believe that we know about Friends and Friendship on a Person to Person level. International and Cross-cultural, People to People, relationships puzzled me a bit. Is it about two groups of people from different countries with different cultural back-grounds wanting to better understand each other and befriend one another? It is a wonderful concept, but is there actual emotional connections that can be deeply felt between groups of people and result in True Bonding? I have given this some thought and from my limited experience I can at least feel certain that People to People’s Friendship efforts can definitely promote more Person to Person relationships, and in reverse the latter can validate and reinforce the former idea.

I learned that President Dwight D Eisenhower initiated People to People International (PTPI) with the purpose to enhance international understanding and friendship through education, culture, and humanitarian activities- by involving the exchange of ideas and experiences directly among peoples of different countries and diverse cultures. Tolerance and mutual understanding were its central themes. A non-government and non profit organization, respecting universal values and aspirations., enabling international youth to value long-term friendship and understanding, believing that individuals can often be more effective than governments in promoting human relationships and world peace, advocating more tolerance and accepting of differences, trusting people’s basic goodness and intelligence, it strives for Peace thru Friendship, Understanding, and Bonding.

Many similar organizations were formed subsequently like Public Diplomacy etc. It is most unfortunate that the word Diplomacy has been given a self-serving connotation today. The word Soft Power for example has also started to ignite more fear in ordinary people by suspicious cynics. Indeed, the world is getting more and more connected. Countries and people are getting more and more inter-dependent. I may be naïve, but I strongly believe in Eisenhower’s non-sibi (not for self ) approach. Once our focus is placed on negative thinking, there will be no end to Tic for Tac, then Tac for Tic. etc. etc. There will never be any long-term satisfactory solutions for World Peace subsequently.

Building Relationship with People from Different Cultures, an article by Marya Axner published in Kansas University’s The Community Tool Box, offered some valuable input I found thru Googling.  “We must come together and solve problems that we have in common. Trusting Relationships are the glue that hold people together as they surely need each other’s support. Building Relationships with people from different cultures is key to achieving most significant goals. To become aware of one’s own culture is a first step in learning about other people’s culture. “so stated the author. Why examine your own identities and culture? Learn what influenced your own views on others and learn how others view you in reverse. How to build relationships with people from other cultures?  Realize the difference between learning about others from indeed building relationships. Several important steps suggested were: Make a conscious decision to establish friendship with people from other cultures. Put yourself into situations where you can meet them. Restrain your biases about those who are different. Ask them to tell you their cultures and histories. Listen to their stories and the way their stories are told. Notice differences in communication styles and value emphasis. Identify their positive aspects first. Learn how to be their ally. In summary, the article emphasized that Friendship is our connection to each other and meaning in life. Caring for each other brings us together and motivates us to establish coalitions to solve problems affecting us all together.

One interesting book I discovered from the local library was” The Art of Friendship ‘by Christine Leefeldt & Ernest Callenbach – published as early as 1979.  My Architectural Profession background makes me especially interested in the Art of Creating, the smart Methodologies, and the magic Results. The research covered many intimate life stories, and it stressed that Friendship is indeed a crucial factor in people’s Emotional Health and Happiness. One chapter on Friendship and Power was not totally convincing to me, however. It suggested that mixing profession or business with friendship, like Employer–Employee and Teacher-Student, is unwise because they are inherently divisive. I find that among my best friends in life are my earlier employees, employers, students and/or teachers. I think the issue is not positions or status but rather attitudes and behaviors. But of course the authors were saying that many of us do get carried away by Power and Prestige, thus sometimes forget about Mutual Respect and Caring.

In the chapter, Resolving Conflicts in Friendship, I learned about Timing and Discreet-ness, Open self-revelations vs Need of privacy by certain people, Blunt honesty vs Kind Explanations, Right and Wrong vs. some Compromise but just and fair. Equal status or perfect willingness to lead or follow in Cooperation. The most powerful and most needed ingredient is ATTENTIVENESS, and SYMPATHY could be just your Wordless Presence, a Quick Hug or Pat on the Back, or an Understanding Compassionate look.

The last three chapters inspired me most:  Old Friends and New, Crossing the Barriers, and Creative Friendship.  Old friends appreciate your strength and accept your weaknesses. New Friends introduce new stimuli and wider perspectives. Crossing the Barriers ( Age, Gender, Social-Economic, Educational, Political, and Religious, ) require open-mindedness, tolerance, and flexibility, Globalization makes it even more urgent today How to be creative in maintaining old friends, new friends, provincial or foreign friends is definitely an Art. Creating moments of shared joy and pleasure with impact; offering sympathy, comfort, or material help; giving as well as receiving to and from each other etc. are all Friendship-making skills. But we need to improve our Friendship-making skills in Intellectual as well as Emotional spheres with Honesty and Sensitivity. We know it’s more blessed to Give than to Receive always, but both Gratification (from giving) and Feeling Grateful (from receiving) provide indescribable Joy and Happiness.

One aspect most important in Creative Friendship urged us to be Proactive in Cultivating Friendship. The challenge however still lies often with our lack of Trust due to lack of interacting experience and the Fears promoted by expert Cynics and by people earnestly but exclusively focusing on  security threats. The author’s concluding statement was, “We owe it to ourselves and to our society to combat this Negativism about Human Conditions.  Friendship cannot exist without Trust. Vital interchanges of Friendship can provide us with networks of secure, enlivening, resilient relationships, and mobilize our Human Potential for Warmth, Concern, and Mutual Support, without which we cannot thrive.”

From my own life experience, I have learned not to judge people too quickly, not to stereotype people based on limited or out-of-date information, avoid uncalled-for criticisms or demeaning comments, stop proving you are superior by snide and snotty jokes which are not really humorous to others. Admit your own mistakes and apologize for having caused hurt or harmed other’s self esteem. Be a True Friend to others without demanding equal reciprocation. Understand other’s aspirations and needs. Do whatever you can to help. Appreciate, Enjoy, and Promote Trust.

I am personally 100% committed to the idea of building and promoting Cross-culture Friendship– Person to Person and People to People. Hoping to connect the children from U.S. and China twelve years ago , for example, I initiated the C2C, C2C, ( Children to Children, Connecting 2 Countries ) Magic Moments Exchanges, via The 1990 Institute – in collaboration with All China Women’s Federation , China National Children’s Center, and  China’s Environmental Protection Ministry. Promoting Cross-cultural Friendship among Children, and promoting Art simultaneously with Environment, we ultimately persuaded China National Children’s Center to inaugurate an International Children’s Mural Painting Park in their beautiful Beijing Campus. The Art is always related to Environmental Concerns, and the Annual Festival always involves children from different countries. The immediate effect on all involved – children as well as adults – is validated by their apparent joy and enthusiasm. The long-term effects may actually be more meaningful and more remarkable. The celebrations also involve government leaders representing the children’s countries. We hope that people’s intrinsic needs, feelings and priorities will ultimately affect state and international policies.

To combat CYNICISM, FEAR, and DISTRUST, we must build TRUST and ENGAGE-MENT with diligence, determination, creativity, and commitment. A most encouraging message is indeed what I heard from watching KQED’s special presentation by a Harvard Professor in Neuro-Psychology.  Professor Rudy Tanzi was introducing his SUPER-BRAIN THEORY to the vast TV audience. His main point was that each one of us should and in fact has the ability to control our own Brain instead of letting it control us emotionally and physically. A person can at will lead the brain to focus on happy positive issues, conditions, or ideas and practice it repeatedly. The brain subsequently produces chemical effects that can help the person reduce anxiety and feel healthy and optimistic thus more capable in engaging others. Yes we are better persons when we are not under stress. Why not try this “Think kind and Be kind, Feel good and Be good” practice, and let Friendship THRIVE for a BETTER WORLD ? !

Billy Lee Sept. 2014

Fall 1947, I enrolled as a Freshman at Phillips Academy Andover,located at Andover Massachusetts just north of Boston. Since I was academically delayed one year, the school assigned me to a Lower-middlers’ ( sophomore ) dorm where the students would be mostly of the same age as I and were supposed to  be a bit more mature than the new-arriving Freshmen.

Green House, mastered by a History Teacher – Harold Howe III -with his wife and an one-year old baby – had six students from various parts of United States – plus myself from China, and another Indian-looking fella from South America. Many of them already knew each other after their Freshman year together. To them, I was the “New guy” and  that “Mysterious Specie” from the Orient “.

At first, my dorm mates did not know how to relate to me. They treated me courteously but with a somewhat mischievous curiosity. They were having great fun with each other and played joyously a game called “Got cha !” which to me seemed rather silly , cruel, and hurtful.  The game consists of two boys surprising a third. One of the two will move towards a third student and initiate a conversation. The second one will sneak behind the unsuspected and push an arm through between his legs. The first one will readily grab that hand and lift up together while cheering “Got cha !”.  The victim usually screams in pain but then laughs with the mischievors and the bystanders, as that was the accepted culture.

I was afraid that they may play that game on me, but luckily it never happened. One morning, however, when I was entering the common bathroom on the second floor, I did notice that the majority of my dorm mates were already gathered in the hallway –ready to leave together for  breakfast at the Commons. One of them was very nice and asked me, “Billy Lee, are you coming with us?” I replied, “Yes, can you wait just a minute. I need to comb my hair?” I had left my small bottle of Vitalis hair-tonic in that medicine cabinet where others also kept their toilet articles. When I opened up the bottle cap that morning, however, the normal nice perfume aroma had mysteriously changed to something a bit strange. I found the color remained the same. Just before I was going to pour it over my hair, I noticed that my dorm mates all of a sudden all gathered just outside the door and chuckling. They were all anticipating this special moment to witness this comedy.

I sensed that  someone or a few of them together had planned a trick on me, but I didn’t know exactly what to do.  Spontaneously, however,  I shook the bottle of tonic – or whatever it was in it – and tried to spray it on the them – yelling simultaneously, “ Try this perfume from China !  Few of them actually got sprayed, and I became scared – wondering what they may now retaliate to me. To my surprise, they were not angry with me at all.  They thought that I was a ‘Good Sport’. They laughed and I laughed. Somehow, this incident broke the ICE, and I felt they had subsequently embraced me totally as one of the WE s.

WILLIAM MING SING LEE 李名信

I am a founding member of The 1990 Institute, and I am an active member of the US-China People’s Friendship Association, South Bay Chapter. During a special workshop, To Promote Friendship (International Child Art Foundation’s World Children’s Festival, in Washington DC, the United States,
during the week of July 4th in 2015), my colleagues and I came up with the idea of having a group of international students compose a Declaration of Interdependence and sketch out a plan for an “Ideal International Institute on Friendshipology.” 2015年7月，国际儿童艺术基金会在华盛顿举办了世界儿童节庆典活动。期间，我参加了一个以促进友谊为主题的研讨会。在会上，我和同事受到启发，决定建立一个增进学生友谊、促进文化交流的国际学院。

I am passionate about the idea of studying friendship, about how to initiate, nurture and sustain what I simply call “good feelings.” My passion comes from seeing the world’s chaos caused mainly by people who do not get along, and by people who have not learned the spirit and the art and science in building harmonious relationships — “The Necessary Lubricant For All Human Activities In This World.”

Friendship has largely been left to happenstance, much like environmental issues 40 years ago. Environmental issues were not taken seriously, nor studied globally and holistically, until prominent schools on the environment were established. It’s time to start focusing on friendshipology — now!

On important social issues that relate to the nurturing of children’s development, I always share my concerns with my women friends first. It was a pleasure, and an honor, for me to become friends with the All-China Women’s Federation (ACWF)’s former leaders, including Gu Xiulian, Feng Cui,
Zou Xiaoqiao and Cui Linlin, after they attended the San Francisco forum, entitled Women, Leadership and Sustainable Development, in 2000. I organized that forum on as a board member of The 1990 Institute. The above-mentioned women, with Sarah Randt, wife of former US Ambassador to China, Clark T. Randt, heartily supported my proposal to install an International Children’s Mural Painting Park at China National Children’s Center (CNCC) in Beijing. The murals will focus on both the environment and friendship. Leaders (under Cong Zhongxiao) at CNCC have since made the
International Children’s Mural Painting Festival an annual activity. I feel so rewarded by our spirited collaboration.

Now, on this seemingly “naive” — not really that naive — idea about forming a cross-cultural institute on friendshipology, I again want to present the challenge to my ACWF and CNCC friends, and to the readers of Women of China English Monthly from around the world. I hope you can offer good ideas, useful contacts generous resources and even your personal efforts to make this “naive idea” a reality — wherever and however. It is so important that the study be internationally and cross-culturally focused, since we today are so bonded that we simply cannot afford to ignore one another. Of course, implementation may need to be staged in phases.

Friendshipology simply refers to the study of friendship. It can involve many cross-disciplines, including history, religion, culture, sociology, philosophy, psychology, anthropology, neurology and even physiology — the studying of facial expressions and body postures. There is so much knowledge and data to be gathered, but today’s computer technology, with relevant algorithms, can help us effectively extract essentials from big data. Beyond gathering knowledge, our challenge is to search for solutions, methodologies and exercises, which will transform our knowledge into goals, practices, habits and our normal behavior.

During the last two years, I have read a lot about empathy, social-emotional intelligence, gratefulness and happiness — all important factors in initiating, nurturing and sustaining friendship.

The following scientists and educators have impressed me: — Professor Jamil Zaki, Director of Stanford University’s Neuroscience Lab on Empathy — Choosing, Harnessing, then Making Choices;
— Laura Delizonna, whose Wisdom Lab at Stanford University (which is aimed at transforming cultures through mindfulness) borrows some ideas from Thich Nhat Hanh, a very popular Zen Buddhist Monk; and
— Anabel Jensen, Karen Stone McGown and Susan Stillman, who established Six Seconds – Know/Choose/Give – Emotional Intelligence Network, and who have conducted workshops around the world, including in Hangzhou, in China. Six Seconds is affiliated with the Yale Center for Emotional Intelligence.

Two of the top high schools in the US — Gunn High, in Palo Alto, and Phillips Academy, in Andover and lead by instructor Ronen Habib and Tang Institute fellow Andy Housiaux — have established special training programs on emotional intelligence and empathy and balance philosophies for their school communities.

Ashoka Foundation’s Start Empathy Initiative is also noteworthy. It now has classrooms around the world. Dr. Kerry Howells’ Gratitude in Education at Mind & Its Potential binds thanking with thinking.

Significant encouragement came from reading Harvard Professor Rudolph Tanzi’s Super Brain Theory, which basically suggested we can train our brains to think positively through practice.

Another encouraging discovery was Eboo Patel’s Interfaith Youth Core, or working toward inclusivity by breaking the barriers of religious divisions. His writings and talks have been amazingly effective and inspirational. Indeed, the ultimate purpose for an Ideal International Institute on Friendshipology is to seek ways to affect people with different backgrounds, so they relate to others with “good feelings” under all circumstances.

As a retired, 84-year-old architect, I personally have no expertise in the creation of a new think-tank-research center, but I am absolutely convinced that it should be done. It can be done. It will be done, by inspired, creative and dedicated people, from various regions of this world
— and possibly led by women!

By Billy Lee  Feb. 24, 2016 <WilliamMSLee@gmail.com>

Since becoming an active member of the South Bay Chapter of USCPFA  ( US-China People’s Friendship Association) I have contributed four articles to Voice of Friendship, a publication by Chinese People’s Association for Friendship with Foreign Countries.  Although USCPFA focuses on Friendship between US and China, my real interest is indeed in learning about and promoting Cross Cultural Bonding and Friendship world wide – People to People and Person to Person.

The first article was “Homestay – Building Cross Cultural Friendship” (March 2013) Embrace visitors as Friends by opening your home to welcome them.

The second:  “Meaning of Friendship” ( Sept. 2013 ) Mentioned Harvard Prof. Rudy Tanzi’s Super Brain Theory which suggested that we can instruct our brains to make us behave more kindly and more empathetically.

The third: “To Promote Friendship – Be a Friend” ( March 2015 ) A souvenir Fan specially designed with main title on one side of the fan, and a list of  10 Dos and 10 Don’ts on the opposite face – basically about  Caring and Respect vs. Ignorance or Arrogance.

The fourth ( Sept. 2015 ) : “A Special Workshop – To Promote Friendship” at ICAF’s World Children’s Festival, Washington DC on July 4^th week.  The idea for a group of International students to create a Declaration of Interdependence popped alive – with an urgent call for a Coordinated International Institute on Friendshipology.

Friendshipology simply means study about Friendship.  It can, however, involve many different cross-disciplines like: History, Religion, Culture, Sociology, Philosophy, Psychology, Anthropology, Physiology, and Brain-science, etc., etc.. Todays’ computer technology can help us extract essentials from Big Data very effectively with Algorithms. Recent educational focus on Emotional Intelligence and Emotional management etc. are also teaching us new social skills.  Beware! Studies simply means gathering knowledge, but knowledge itself can be dangerous when abused.

“ Coordinated International Institute “ has serious purposes.  “International” emphasizes global Perspectives, Practices and Inclusive Collaborations.  The word “Coordinated” suggests “pulling separate efforts together” to compare, and possibly to cross-fertilize. Today, scientists and scholars are doing multi-discipline research in many different areas separately. More Coordinated exchanges and collaborations seem to make good sense.  Establishment of a Coordinated International Institute will also finally signify our recognition of the importance of Friendshipology, which in my opinion is still being largely neglected and has been taken for granted –like Environmental Issues were forty years ago. Environmental issues were not taken seriously or studied holistically until prominent schools on Environment were established.

There is another important dimension requiring Coordination. That is the need to extend pure knowledge to searching for solutions, methodologies, and practices which can transform our goals to habits and to second-natured behaviors. This is possible according to Harvard Prof. Tanzi’s  “Super Brain Theory”.  In discussion about Empathy, Choosing Empathy, Harnessing Empathy, then Making Choices, Stanford Prof. Jamil Zaki, also emphasized the need to complete the three stages of Emphathy First : “Experiencing” –catch another’s distress. Second: “Mentalizing” –rationalize other person’s feelings.  Third: “Feeling Compassionate” – concerned and motivated to take action and help.  Indeed, the ultimate purpose for a Coordinated International Institute on Friendshipology, is to seek ways to affect people with different backgrounds in our World to relate to each other harmoniously under different circumstances. In my simple mind, it’s simply promoting “Good Feelings”.

This last decade, many remarkable studies, experiments, and practices related to Empathy and Social Emotional Intelligence have been developed with help of advanced NeuroScience Technology. Stanford’s Social Neuroscience Lab conducted by Prof. Jamil Zaki has already been mentioned. Laura Delizonna’s Wisdom Lab at Stanford on Mindfulness –borrows some ideas from, Thich Nhat Hanh a very popular Zen Buddhist Monk.  Anabel Jensen, Karen Stone McGown and Susan Stillman’s  SIX –SECONDS – Know/Choose/Give – Emotional Intelligence Network, has provided workshops around the world – including Hangzhou, China.  SIX SECONDS is affiliated with the Yale Center for Emotional Intelligence. Two top high schools in the US -Gunn High in Palo Alto, and Phillips Academy Andover, at Andover, Mass. – lead by Instructor Ronen Habib, and Tang Institute Fellow, Andy Housiaux, respectively – have established  special Emotional Intelligence training programs and Empathy & Balance philosophies for their school communities . Ashoka Foundation’s Start Empathy Initiative is also note worthy. They now have classrooms around the world.  All of the above mentioned can give guidance to the proposed Coordinated International Institute on Friendshipology.

I also like to mention the launching of two very important centers in U.S. this past year. The Berggruen Philosophy and Cultural Center, at the Berggruen Institute Santa Monica, California, was to initiate a special Fellowship Program which will send scholars from around the world to an American or British university for a year followed by a year at Tsinghua and Peking University in Beijing. The aim is to use Philosophy as an East-West Bridge, and to find solutions and not to just underline differences. Yale University this February announced the establishment of the Schwartzman Center to advance intellectual work related to ethnic studies fields; intersectional race, gender, and sexuality research; and Native and Diasporic communities both in US and in other countries. It will sponsor conferences, colloquia, working groups and other programming and help support students and faculty building connections across the country and around the world.

As a retired old Architect, I sadly have no expertise on the actual forming of an effective educational organization.  It would be wonderful if we could tie-in the proposed Coordinated International Institute on Friendshipology with some organizations and scholars like those mentioned above.

Actually, International Institute on Peace Education www.i-i-p-e.org  could possibly be a model to follow. They focus on exchange of theory and practice in Teaching Peace Education. Their stated 3 Purposes are: 1) Development of Substance for Peace Education 2) Build Strategic Alliances and 3) Encourage Regional Cooperation. They hold periodic international conferences at different locations of the World.

A dear friend who truly understands my passion suggested that one might begin with a small Friendshipology Foundation which acts as a resource center and clearing house, and promote Friendshipology by “seeding” the world with dozens or hundreds of independent, local, indigenous “club” s that answer to nobody but themselves. Construct a website which will attract kaleidoscope of different approaches to the common goal. His advice sounds promising, but I will definitely need help from younger friends who are facile with the contemporary media technology to accomplish that.

Desperately I need help, advice, and guidance! Right now, I can only make an urgent call, “ Let us no longer leave Cross-Cultural Friendship to Happenstance. Like Environment, it needs to be better understood, nurtured, and sustained ! “ Indeed, I wish we can create a world where Friendship Has No Borders, and we should seriously work on it as we now work on Environment which has no borders.

We need to have people with will, influence, and creativity from different parts of our World to step up and embrace this challenge. – separately and together !

Please contact me with ideas, comments, and suggestions.

Sincerely,
Billy – William Ming Sing Lee 李名信（美国） 

271 West Floresta Way, Portola Valley, Ca.94028  U.S.A.

<WilliamMSLee@gmail.com>

84 Year old retired Architect

Graduate of Phillips Academy Andover,

Yale College, and Yale School of Architecture

A Founding Member of The 1990 Institute

An Active Member of USCPFA- South Bay Chapter  <USCPFA-SBAY.BLOGSPOT.COM>

By Billy Lee March 2017

The Annual New Years Letter from Abbie and Don arrived from Maine, a bit late this year.  It was, however, filled with joyful events the couple enjoyed during 2016 – with their family members and with friends from different parts of the globe. At bottom of the page, Abbie scribbled by hand: “ We are still chugging along ! We might get to a Reunion ( she meant Andover ) sometime.  All the Best in 2017 “.

Abbie, Don, and I are all over 80 years of age now ! Abbie and I met in 1948 at a Tea Dance hosted by Abbot Academy for Andover students at Andover, Mass. This was almost 70 years ago. As a newly arrived foreign student from Shanghai, I was socially immature, and my house master, Mr. Harold Howe, suggested that I should sign up for the Abbot-Andover Tea Dance. I complied without questioning.

Neatly dressed with coat and tie on, plus carefully polished shoes, I arrived on time at the assigned Abbot Tea Room.  A number of boys clustered on one side of the room at first, and the girls on the opposite side. Abruptly music began, and I found myself challenged by a smiling brown-hair girl: “ Would you like to dance with me ? I am Abbie. “

I had never been to a dance before, and I had never danced before. I had never spoken to a foreign girl before, and I had never been asked to dance by a girl before. Stuttering feebly, I consented, but Abbie had to show me how to stand and how to stretch out one hand and place the other behind her waist. To avoid clashing she suggested that we just do side-steps one two, one two until we feel the rhythm. She was so kind, so encouraging, so joyful, so civil, and so truly friendly.

This was one of my most memorable experiences as an adolescent in a foreign country. Abbie’s kind gestures forever influenced me, and I learned from her on how important it is to reach out to others. Smile, be kind, and be helpful – especially to new Foreign Friends. It’s also truly rewarding to be able to stay in touch after so many  years !  Indeed, Abbie, I hope to see you and Don at our next Andover Reunion!